Tonight! The Sztig drives an Opel, McLaren drives The Sztig and Jag drives itself.
Foreword
I think I owe some explanation to those familiar with previous edition of WrongGear. Well, truth is that we have lost our test track and our tame racing idiot The Sztig. Let's not talk about it. I'll say only that we call it "Toscanian sheeps fiasco".
As Sztig decided to stay with his new friend and authorities forced us to leave, we had to find both new driver and test track, what means we had to test our all cars again on a new track.
And here they are. New Sztig is still useless like previous one, but a little less. Maybe because of that secret KGB training (they sacked him as he refused to drive Lada).
We were searching for new track for many days, but finally we found that little gem. Still in Tuscany (no sheep in sight) but this time it's even better. Faster straight, more various corners, and even a small but deadly jump.
Of course we had to test all our
30 cars again. Results are interesting. See for yourself. Let's start with some big FF ones.
As previously it turned out that Vectra is horrible. We honestly think that cow is more driveable than this. Still we have no idea why most Polish policemen use that thing. Heavy understeer at almost every corner drives you mad.
Honda on the other hand is still great. It's similar size compared to Opel but Accord is better in every aspect. It even looks better. Ok, on straight it's slower than dull German, but corners way way better. I dare to say it is pleasure to drive that thing. Weird statement for 4-door FF car.
Last time we were quite happy with sporty Fiat. It handled not bad at all through streets of rome. On our old test track it was nice too.
This time, though, Fiat disappointed us. Maybe our track is now more demanding, maybe Sztig is allergic to Fiats, but all we know is that Fiat Coupe Turbo is only average. And bad news for Fiat is that even much bigger Honda Accord was faster.
Our beloved batmobile. Our rules of testing are still simple. Totally stock, but this time we rebuild engine and body in all cars. That's why this time some standard cars are faster. But not Merc. It still is shipped with those ridiculous comfort soft tyres. Put sport hards on it and you won't regret any minute spent in this black beauty, maybe except those moments on grass, guard rail, tree. It's not easy to handle, but it's surely fun. And those BBS wheels look fantastic on it.
One of the first cars tested by us. Except color it looks like you could persuade your wife that it's great, economic and ergonomic car for small family. But underneath this orange body you'll find a little factory of fun. Focus just loves to go crazy. And it's almost second faster than Merc Evo II (yes, Merc was on CS). That's not bad for a hatchback. One more thing, with that color, you'll always find it on parking lot.
Last time we've tested Cougar but not Chevelle. I really don't know why. It's a fun car, but remember that it can cause sea sickness with its soft suspension.
When it comes to Cougar I'm biased. My father have convertible one and it's absolutely great. But belive me, this Mercury handles really well for a muscle car. As you see in our test data Chevelle was faster in drag, but Cougar wins overall. Maybe some guys from Mercury visited Europe during war and found something called turns? I don't know, but for a muscle car it rides really well. Only that stupid, short gearbox annoys us.
If you like to drive something less powerful from time to time, you definitely have to try this TVR. It's not the fastest in class. It doesn't stick to tarmac like it's glued. But it just has something you can't describe. You just feel it, you hear like it talks to you and responds to your requests. V8S is like an old friend. You don't see each other very often, but when you meet it's tons of fun.
Camaro. Big Goliath that crushed electric David in our comparison. No, not only in straight line. It's better in terms of range and it's faster on our test course.
What bugs me is that it's not as fun to drive like Cougar, but it's still way faster. It's loud, it's pretty, but just not fun. Still better than next car on our list.
Hello Kitty! Future of sports cars. I hope not. I don't want to hear driller all day. Wait, that is impossible. Duracells won't go all day. In terms of handling it's not that bad. It isn't balanced and slides at almost every corner, but it's kinda fun. The most shocking for me was that it lost in drag race with Camaro. Almost the same power and 200 kg less than fat American and it starts like anemic basset hound.
Top 20, here we go! And for a start Autobacks Godzilla, or something like that. No matter what, try it. It's just a great, little car. Fast, with tons of grip and very enjoyable. We were amazed how fast it is, with only around 200HP. Garaiya should be much slower, but thankfully it isn't. Oversized kart - that's what it is.
Two big, powerfull saloons. I love such machines. You stand on a red light and a flashy tuned Nissan appears, revving like crazy. Green light and you are gone without loud spoilers, exhaust tip size of a bucket and stupid paint job. Just with style and class. To be honest Audi was slightly disappointing. It accelerates like crazy and I'm sure it can go even faster than in our test, but Sztig has wooden leg and doesn't feel pedals well. Sadly when it comes to turning this massive body, Merc wins. Not only it's fast, but also great fun to drive. So leave your racing gear at home. Suit up, jump in E55 and have a nice, entertaining ride in clouds of tyre smoke.
Such a nice, girly Porsche. I mean RUF. Not exactly. It's a lot better than you think. I was never a fan of Porsches or RUFs. What this sporty beetle has to offer? It turns out that it has to offer a stupid smile on your face when you push it round corners. It just plays with you and not try to stab you in the back, like some other yellow painted RUFs. Highly recommended.
So you meet Monica Bellucci and find out that she is quite boring. Do you reject immoral proposal from woman like Monica? Hell no! Same is with Maserati. It's heavy, not as fast as other gran tourers, but you just need to try it yourself just because how it looks.
Italian beauty. Even when you try to show it has huge ass you can't becasue that ass is really hot. Our old Sztig couldn't tame this beauty. New one could and result was surprising. Five places up in ranking. When you get used to its wild suspension, it can be really fast, but don't expect miracles. It will try to kill you. That's certain as taxes.
Aston Martin is like James bond with sledgehammer. Sophisticated and stylish but with brute force in hand. It handles great in corners, with huge amounts of grip, but if you want to play bad boy, floor it and you'll leave everybody choking from your tyre smoke.
Netherlands, country full of fun. Maybe that's not true, but how people could see it in other way when you have legal weed, can buy beer at the age of 16, and build something like a Spyker. This car is totally bonkers. Slides through every corner as if it had ADHD. "Oh look, a wall, let's ram it, look look, a tree, lets chop it". Really hard car to manage.
And what about F40? It's hard to control too, but in kinda civilised way. Also you have to remember about huuuuge turbo lag. But it still can be fast and fun... when you're in masochistic mood. Despite this, I still love it. Sometimes it's good to get some adrenaline rush.
And suddenly between those previous supercars, an everyday car pops up. BMW M3 GTR - one of the best cars I've ever driven. Don't know what to add here. It's just brilliant. Precise, insanely fast and it's still normal car. Maybe except that ridiculous, carbon roof. Find it, buy it, take it to the 'Ring and be amazed.
I was apologizing Ferrari last time, when we've tested it. But I still feel guilty. I underestimated California and it turned out that it is bloody brilliant. It just goes, wherever you point its nose, no matter how hard you push it, this Ferrari just goes where and how you want to. Really easy to handle. It's like steroids, but without side effects.
And so what that RUF is faster? Driving RUF is like paying for sex. You get to the finish simply and fast, the end. But where is the fun? Ferrari is like picking a nice, funny girl at great party, drink and play with her all night. Maybe slower, but much more nicely.
Big bad Mercs. Both are great. Both love to powerslide. Both are fast, and we highly recommend both of them. It just depends on your bank account. SLR isn't worth that amount of money when you compare it to how SLS handles. But look at it. This design will be timeless, and even with gull wing doors I can't say the same for SLS.
If you like extreme sports, we have a car for you. McLaren is so extreme and tricky, that only someone with huge patience and huge... those round ones will tame it. The Sztig said that MP4-21-2345-122ABC-971-LK345-12C could go even faster, but unfortunatelly he was so furious about going off track every lap, he broke gear levers and went home.
Saleen is pure terror. Wild, blinding fast, and very hard to master. But when you finally achieve that, you are amazed how fast it is. If you like to sit like on a razorblade while driving, it's a car for you.
Jag is one of only two cars that we have tested, but not tried it on our test course. How stupid it was. After testing it on Trial Mountain I thought "meh, it's not that fast, but I still like it". XJ220 seems to be slow, but you have to check your data 3 times because you can't belive it was soooo fast. Sadly, I don't know why in our GT world it can't go as fast as its name.
Bronze medal goes to... Pagani Zonda. That's right, the mad hatter returns. It's crazy and wild as Saleen, but even faster. Brilliant car.
Second place goes to Lambo SV. It's precise, fast and has a lot of grip, untill you cross thin red line. After that there are only doom, death and despair.
Next time we will test Aventador. I really look forward to it. If Murcielago SV is like Keira Knieghtly, Aventador has to be like Keira Knieghtly with breasts.
And the last car today, 1st place. I hoped that this time it won't win, but you have to agree that it is magnificient piece of engineering. Its speed is in whole different category, than other cars. One look at our data and it is certain that Veyron is Concorde among cars. Sad is, that its novelty fades very quickly. I can't find pleasure and fun driving this car, and those are the most important things which car should have. It's greatest machine of them all but it has no heart. And how can you love something without a heart?
If you have kept that long, here's a bonus. Some of you might not know that months ago we went to visit some places featured in GT5. We'll throw in something from that trip in every issue of WrongGear.
That's all for this issue. Next time we will have regular release with reviews, challenges and more. Any feedback appreciated.
Moar plez!111
