-McClarenDesign's-
Very Serious SLS AMG Review of the Car of the Week N Stuff
"If you see the tree you're driving into, you have under-steered. If you only hear it, you have over-steered." -Walter Rohrl
Week 4: 2007 Audi TT Coupe 3.2 Quattro
Before we begin this week, I feel I must offer full disclosure. You see, a close colleague of mine once said that the people that drive Audis are plastic surgeons that wear Polo shirts, Oakley sunglasses, and talk to themselves all day on their Bluetooth headsets. Although I don't personally own an Audi, I do have a pair of Oakley sunglasses, a headset, and a few shirts.
Some would say this weeks car was tailor-made for tossers like me. Those same people would also find themselves needing my services to repair their nose afterwards.
Thankfully, we wouldn't be stuck at the office this week. Instead, our producer suggested that we pack everything up, and head over to Germany to give the car some proper justice in Der Vaterland. While there, Audi would provide their own engineer to oversee the cars during the test, named Hans. Naturally, we assumed that we'd be taking the car on a leisurely ride through the Autobahn, but our producer had something far more sinister in mind.
Perhaps after last week's "incident" I've grown a bit paranoid, but lately everyone seems to be acting strange.
According to Polyphony Digital (via Translator-san)
Translator-san
The Audi TT drew the world's attention when it was introduced in the 1990's because of its unique round exterior design and striking face highlighted by a rectangular grille and large headlights. The silhouette of the second-generation model has been conventionalized a bit, looking more like other coupes in its segment, but the new TT remained a vehicle that pleasantly stood out in a crowd.
The car retained its attractive face, while on the rounded rear deck, and electric rear spoiler made its presence known, especially at high speeds reducing lift to the rear part of the car. Inside the sheet metal, the cabin was designed with luxury and taste, thanks to an attractive dashboard and use of high-quality materials.
The car came with two engine options: a 2.0-liter DOHC direct-injected turbo-charged and inter-cooled inline-4 and a normally-aspirated 3.2-liter DOHC V6 rated at 247 HP and 235.7 ft-lbs of torque. Both power plants were mated to either a 6-speed manual or S-tronic transmission, the latter being the DSG twin-clutch system also utilized by Volkswagen.
The new TT featured a space frame construction that combined aluminum and steel, reputed to be 50 percent more rigid than the preceding model (the roadster was actually 120 percent stiffer), despite being 100 kg lighter than the VW Golf which is based off the same platform. A magnetic ride suspension system that allowed the driver to adjust dampening force was also available.
With the new TT, it wasn't just the car's styling that made enthusiasts notice, it was how it performed on the winding road that impressed people the most.
Hans in hand...
no, that's not right, try again.
With Hans alongside me, we proceeded to the garage to take delivery of our Audi TT, which I must confess is personally one of the funniest names given to a car. Really? TT? Isn't "TT" something a 2-year-old would say in reference to needing the facilities? Toddler for "Tinkle?" Hans doesn't seem amused.
Hours later, our car shows up dressed in a beautiful shade of "Phantomschwarzenegg.. Phantomshnizzl...
Hans, quick, how do I say this?... Phantomschwarz Perleffekt? Look, it's freakin Phantom Black Pearl! We all know I'm a stupid American, why can't I just call it Phantom Black? I pay my taxes, I took a year of German almost 20 years ago, and only...
Producer
Glancing at the interior, it's clear this car hasn't been touched. Ever. Even the odometer agrees. Virgin.
I like Virgins, but I know that all you care about are the numbers.
Performance as Purchased: November 24, 2011, Phantomschwarz Perleffekt (its freakin'
black, just say it!)
Displacement: 3,189 cc
Max. Power:
243 hp @ 7,000 rpm
Max. Torque:
228 ft-lbs. @ 2,500 rpm
Drivetrain: 4WD
Length: 4,178 mm Height: 1,352 mm Weight: 1410 kg
Tires: Comfort (Soft)
Performance Points:
429
Mileage: 0.0 mi.
After both car and racing driver recieved their pre-test check-ups, we discovered two problems. First, our car had been setting in the garage collecting dust, and was going to need an oil change. Second, our health-and safety approved racing driver was pregnant.
Don't ask.
With the boffins off to work on the car, I set about finding someone else dumb enough to join us on our misadventures. After placing an ad in the local paper, I began interviewing potential candidates. Looking over the resumés was like hiring for an executive postion. Every applicant was either a banker, lawyer, dentist, used car salesman, tax agent, dotcom nerd, or the wife any of the aforementioned. With such a dismal selection, our producer decided on a man named "The Todd," because he "wasn't
that much of a wanker."
And he had Oakleys.
Meanwhile, the crew had sorted out an additional 7 Performance Points and 12 my-little-ponies from the meager 3.2-liter engine, bringing the total to
436 PP and
255 hp. Hans supervised the work, and although he wasn't exactly thrilled to see me, he was able to borrow a tweaked version of the TT from Audi's own Skunkworks. As long as testing went well, and "The Todd" didn't brick the engine, it'd be waiting for us at our hotel in Ahrweiler. To the track!
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: Max. Power: 255 hp, Max. Torque: 240 ft-lb., Max. Performance Points: 436 PP
At the test track, we gave "The Todd" a crash course in how to handle an emergency on the track. His blank stare reassured us that the info was processed and understood. No matter. All we really need him to do is plant his foot a couple of times and look pretty for the camera, and judging by the looks of it, "The Todd" has been practicing his whole life for this very moment. Off the launch, and the TT punches through the quarter-mile in
0:14.778 seconds, and a 0-60 mph of
0:06.275.
To put things into perspective, that's +0.247 to 60 mph, but -0.159 faster in the quarter, compared to last week's Panda Trueno. However, the Audi's Quattro-ness helped in the launch, establishing a better grip level despite its tires.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: 0-1 mi.: 0:36.987, 0-100 mph: 0:15.856, Max. G-Force: 0.91G, Top Speed: 161.8 mph
Remember when I mentioned that the producer had something sinister in mind? Well, upon our arrival in Germany, we discovered exactly what that was. We were to take our stock TT, and a one-of-a-kind test TT (Testies?) to the Green Hell. We were being sent to our deaths.
Sir Jackie Stewart once referred to the Nurburgring Nordschleife as "The Green Hell," and said that he never did a lap there that he didn't have to. Looking at the footage from his days, it's
easy to see why. Today the track is safer, but people die here every year.
Thanks to our producer, now it's our turn.
First up, we were... I should say I was.. forced to take the bone-stock TT through a few laps of the GP circuit. Theoreticaly, this should prepare me for the speeds I'll be facing on the much larger track. And because the staff want to ensure that I alone am the one to die, the track has been completely cleared of all traffic and personnel.
Twenty-five minutes later, I'm back in the pit, triumphant and alive. Despite my best ham-fisted efforts, I was only able to coax the little TT to a best time of
2:31.382. I know I could have done better, but given the limited amount of time, and the need to TT myself, we called it there. During those laps, the car felt easily controlable until pushed. Even though the Comfort tires weren't ideal for this sort of thing, the Quattro all-wheel-drive multiplied the available grip levels, and the car felt communicative through the corners.
You just had to point the damn thing the right way. Honestly, I have no idea why hair-dressers buy this car. It's just going to end up in a tree. I don't buy the "enthusiast" argument because the all-wheel drive will either: a) convince bad drivers they are good, and/or b) kill them when they try to correct the upcoming collision.
The next morning we awoke to the promise of a new car and the full 14-mile track. Since I could hardly sleep out of sheer terror, I compiled a list of things I would need for such an event:
1. Last Will and Testament. Check.
2. Diaper in case fear causes unintentional "TT". Check.
3. Clear conscience with maker.
Uh-oh.
I was immediately hauled outside to check out the car that Hans has procured for us. No time to find a deity to believe in now. No salvation. No last minute call from the governor. My Audi coffin is here, and it's time to give the Devil... or whatever.. his due.
Outside, I'm greeted by a tricked out TT latherd in carbon fiber, and a lovely shade of unpronounceable blue. Racing slicks adore the custom rims, and out back a striking set of titanium-tipped exhaust pipes stick out the back. Do Audi accountants know about this? If they did, there couldn't possibly be a way that they could convince big brother Volkswagen that this was even remotely marketable. Without another thought, I'm thrown behind the wheel, and thrust to the track. Allegedly, this thing has
407 hp,
336 ft-lbs. of torque, and weighs only
1169 kg.
For those keeping score at home, do your own f'n homework. You won't learn anything if I do it all for you. Get off your arse and go play outside.
(Expletive), I'm wearing a Polo shirt...
On the track, the changes made to the car are immediate. Like before, this car inspires a homicidal sense of security. One minute you'll be taking corners feeling like you're on rails. The next few corners may even be the same. But as you push harder and harder, the TT also pushes harder, only against you. If you haven't learned the friction circle of the car before, you're definitely going to lose control. If you haven't learned how to induce the car into a turn, before the turn, you simply won't make it out alive. And above all else, if you should happen to look at a wall, you can be sure you'll kiss it soon.
Audi will tell you that the "TT" stands for Technology and Tradition, and this may indeed be the case. However, after my short stint behnid the wheel of both cars, I've come away with a greater appreciation for how those two words are integrated into the car. When used properly, it will feel slow, but will actually be fast. When it feels fast, you'll be dead.
So the next time you feel abused because of a late fee at the bank, or your hair dresser ruins your hair, or your stock broker piddles your retirement away, or your dentist makes you hurt, or your ex-wife's divorce attorney is now her husband, or the IRS audits you, or even when some yuppy 1% pig cuts you off on the highway...
don't get mad.
Get them an Audi, and watch them TT.
Week 1: 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider 3.0i V6 24V
Week 2: 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider 1600 Duetto
Week 3: 2000 Toyota Sprinter Trueno GT-APEX (S. Shigeno Ver.)
*The views and opinions expressed in this editorial do not reflect the views and opinions of gtplanet.net, any of its members, nor anyone with an IQ above 3. All views, comments, statements, accusations, claims, data... you know what, just forget you read the whole thing and direct your hate mail/Tame Racing Driver applications to McClarenDesign@gmail.com. This ad paid for by Friends of Global Morals support for presidential candidate Jenkins. 
GTKitty4Prez . Please consult doctor before use. Wardrobe provided courtesy of Oakley. McClarenDesign registered very serious SLS AMG. DO NOT ATTEMPT. Your mileage may vary. Some restrictions may apply. All stunts performed on public roads without law enforcement supervision. Void where prohibited. Offer not valid to those that breathe air. Some portions of this show have been filmed before a live studio audience.
Ed Note: RIP Davy Jones
Diese Woche bewerten, in Deutsch, für unsere deutschen Freunde.
