- 86,093
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
You've been a-nominating, and here are the results. Pick the ONE (sorry Famine)
(that's PICK THE ONE)*
films on the list you rate as the worst of the worst. And for heaven's sakes, don't just pick films you've heard are bad. At least try to have watched them...
First on the list, polling SEVEN nominations:
The Matrix: Reloaded
Most people rather liked the Matrix. It rolled along nicely in a cheery, nonsense way and spawned a whole load of teenagers wearing floppy coats and pince-nez shades. The the sequel came out, and spawned a great deal of head-scratching. Pastiche on the human condition, or cynical Wachowski cash-cow? You decide.
Next up, we have the sheer majesty of:
2Fast 2Furious
Astonishingly, after staggering people with speed-blur, "granny-shifting" and nitrous oxide making the bottom of your car fall out, the a-charismatic Paul Walker returned to stun us all again. Dreadful acting and a plotline from a smack-addict-written Christmas-cracker made this sequel truly worse than the first - and that's no mean feat.
The third most/least popular choice was:
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Truly awe-inspiring. The casting genius of Hollywood-great Sean Connery and recent "I'm a baddie in everything" Richard Roxburgh was only matched by the sheer majesty of the appalling plot, script, graphics, supporting cast, music, locations, interior shots and plausibility.
Next on the list - polling the same number of votes as the shameful display above - comes:
Battlefield Earth
The longest advertisement for a cult since the Waco standoff. Written by Scientology guru L. Ron Hubbard, and starring all of his favourite children, this one failed to make any sense - or money. Stupifyingly atrocious.
A bit of a surprise next:
Star Wars II: The Attack of the Clones
Well, not truly a surprise, but only because I considered Jar-Jar Binks to be far more annoying than anything else ever. With the exceptions of acting greats Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson - who are little more than cameos - everyone else is acted off the screen by an animatronic green blob. Remember, we're supposed to believe that Amidala falls in love with the geeky, robot-armed, girly haired Anakin, who was acted off the screen by some of the plants.
Slipping down a notch, comes:
The Avengers
Based on a British TV series from the 1960s - which never made any sense - the film surpassed the original by completely rewriting the laws of sense. Sean Connery is appalling, but by far the best thing in the film.
Scaring us all, apparently, is:
Scream 2
In no way an attempt to make money from silly teenage girls, every plot "twist" is telegraphed and no detail left explained. Dross in the purest sense of the word and as scary as a pogo stick
Just as bad was the parody,
Scary Movie 3
Not wishing to typecast themselves to low-grade sex and drugs "humour", the Wayans brothers made a third "pastiche", making "humourous" nods at recent scary films, such as "Signs" (keep an eye out later on). Aaaaand peppered it with low-grade sex and drugs humour. But there was a wheelchair chase!
Proving that scary films could be just as crap without having "Neve Campbell" or any Wayans in it, comes:
Signs
Featuring an awful Mel Gibson, an awfuller Joaquin Phoenix and aliens which die when exposed to water but can wander around in water vapour-loaded atmospheres, this did everything to enhance M. Night Shyamalan's reputation following "Unbreakable". As a pedlar of third-rate mindless toss.
Playing on everyone's worst fears:
Armageddon
Still, the utter destruction of the planet means you won't have to suffer watching the acting "talents" of Bruce Willis - hamming it up for no reason whatsoever - and Ben "so wooden, he was raised by cricket bats" Affleck. For anyone who can't see the ending coming a mile off, they succeed, but Bruce blows himself up. Thank me for saving you later.
Filmed in full colour vom-o-vision is
The Blair Witch Project
With internet advertising that fooled no-one, this supposedly "real-life" film made most people who saw it sick. Motion-sick, that is, from the atrocious camera-style employed. Was it an innovation? The fact the sequel made less money than it cost says "NO".
A rebel vote for the next one...
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Slated by many for being excessively long and finishing at what appeared to be the middle of a scene. Hammered by Tolkein-o-philes for not staying "true to the book" (although they're clearly stupid, since it was two books. Each film covers one volume, each of which is two books, dumbasses!). Cinematic masterpiece or waffling, aimless swords'n'dragons cobblers?
One I've never seen, mainly because the first was SO bad:
Dumb & Dumberer
What can be more annoying that Jim Carrey pretending to have a mental disability? Yep - someone else pretending to be Jim Carrey pretending to have a mental disability...
The man of wood gets a starring role in the next film:
Paycheck
Hollywood takes another short story from sci-fi mind-messer Philip K. Dick, rapes it and throws the crappiest actors it can find at the screen. Nonsensical drivel only saved by... the fact it finished.
Just like Armageddon, this big-budget summer blockbuster was not exempt...
Independence Day
Full of moving imagery, but generally only succeeded in moving bowels. Three words - dog in tunnel.
Driving a stake right through the heart of the Law of Diminishing Returns:
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
A film series SO bad that even Steve Guttenberg had left by now, leaving the film with only that tall bloke, the squeaky-voiced woman, that bloke who likes guns and the one that makes weird noises but was badly dubbed because he wasn't funny anymore. Hopeless tripe.
Probably the biggest loser in terms of cost-to-receipts EVER
Waterworld
But at least Costner gave me one good idea. I drank my own piss to alleviate the boredom.
Good film turned bad series
Highlander 3: The Sorcerer
Specially made for those who thought the second film made no sense at all, this film set out to prove that logic and a coherent timeline are just unnecessary if you have a Frenchman pretending to be Scottish (although he's really an alien - watch the second film, if you can bear it). Mario Van Feebles stomps around looking purposeful and gets lucky when he's decapitated. Jammy git.
Another new experience for me, in the shape of
Cabin Fever
Not seen it. Apparently it's about a group of people in a remote country lodge who contract Necrotising fasciitis - a flesh-eating bacterium.
Not GOING to see it.
Another case of sequel-phobia. Holy dreadful acting, it's
Batman & Robin
Now, you'd think having FIVE leading lights of Hollywood in the main roles would be a good idea. Wouldn't you? Go and watch this film. The character interplay - or rather lack of - is a joy to behold and a script dug straight out of someone's arse. Burton/Keaton's "dark ninja" is replaced by Schumacher/Clooney's dork no-mark, "Hi Freeze! I'm Batman!"
Some more hack'n'slash drudgery, this time looking like
Dungeons & Dragons
Jeremy Irons goes OTT and "that bloke who was Jimmy in the New Adventures of Superman" fails to die horribly (unlike the rest of the film, which does).
And finally we have the last most-polled option,
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Like Spiderman, it's another chance for us all to see how zany Willem Dafoe can be. Like The Net, it's another chance for us to see how flappy and indecisive Sandra Bullock can be. Like Keanu Reeves, Jason Patric couldn't act if his life depended upon it - but Reeves has a head start, in that he doesn't have to pretend to be Keanu Reeves.
A dross sequel to an enjoyable first film.
Ladies and germs, place your votes!
*Please note: "Three" turned out not to be a real number, quantifiable to 3. It was, actually, one. Sorry about that.
(that's PICK THE ONE)*
films on the list you rate as the worst of the worst. And for heaven's sakes, don't just pick films you've heard are bad. At least try to have watched them...
First on the list, polling SEVEN nominations:
The Matrix: Reloaded
Most people rather liked the Matrix. It rolled along nicely in a cheery, nonsense way and spawned a whole load of teenagers wearing floppy coats and pince-nez shades. The the sequel came out, and spawned a great deal of head-scratching. Pastiche on the human condition, or cynical Wachowski cash-cow? You decide.
Next up, we have the sheer majesty of:
2Fast 2Furious
Astonishingly, after staggering people with speed-blur, "granny-shifting" and nitrous oxide making the bottom of your car fall out, the a-charismatic Paul Walker returned to stun us all again. Dreadful acting and a plotline from a smack-addict-written Christmas-cracker made this sequel truly worse than the first - and that's no mean feat.
The third most/least popular choice was:
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Truly awe-inspiring. The casting genius of Hollywood-great Sean Connery and recent "I'm a baddie in everything" Richard Roxburgh was only matched by the sheer majesty of the appalling plot, script, graphics, supporting cast, music, locations, interior shots and plausibility.
Next on the list - polling the same number of votes as the shameful display above - comes:
Battlefield Earth
The longest advertisement for a cult since the Waco standoff. Written by Scientology guru L. Ron Hubbard, and starring all of his favourite children, this one failed to make any sense - or money. Stupifyingly atrocious.
A bit of a surprise next:
Star Wars II: The Attack of the Clones
Well, not truly a surprise, but only because I considered Jar-Jar Binks to be far more annoying than anything else ever. With the exceptions of acting greats Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson - who are little more than cameos - everyone else is acted off the screen by an animatronic green blob. Remember, we're supposed to believe that Amidala falls in love with the geeky, robot-armed, girly haired Anakin, who was acted off the screen by some of the plants.
Slipping down a notch, comes:
The Avengers
Based on a British TV series from the 1960s - which never made any sense - the film surpassed the original by completely rewriting the laws of sense. Sean Connery is appalling, but by far the best thing in the film.
Scaring us all, apparently, is:
Scream 2
In no way an attempt to make money from silly teenage girls, every plot "twist" is telegraphed and no detail left explained. Dross in the purest sense of the word and as scary as a pogo stick
Just as bad was the parody,
Scary Movie 3
Not wishing to typecast themselves to low-grade sex and drugs "humour", the Wayans brothers made a third "pastiche", making "humourous" nods at recent scary films, such as "Signs" (keep an eye out later on). Aaaaand peppered it with low-grade sex and drugs humour. But there was a wheelchair chase!
Proving that scary films could be just as crap without having "Neve Campbell" or any Wayans in it, comes:
Signs
Featuring an awful Mel Gibson, an awfuller Joaquin Phoenix and aliens which die when exposed to water but can wander around in water vapour-loaded atmospheres, this did everything to enhance M. Night Shyamalan's reputation following "Unbreakable". As a pedlar of third-rate mindless toss.
Playing on everyone's worst fears:
Armageddon
Still, the utter destruction of the planet means you won't have to suffer watching the acting "talents" of Bruce Willis - hamming it up for no reason whatsoever - and Ben "so wooden, he was raised by cricket bats" Affleck. For anyone who can't see the ending coming a mile off, they succeed, but Bruce blows himself up. Thank me for saving you later.
Filmed in full colour vom-o-vision is
The Blair Witch Project
With internet advertising that fooled no-one, this supposedly "real-life" film made most people who saw it sick. Motion-sick, that is, from the atrocious camera-style employed. Was it an innovation? The fact the sequel made less money than it cost says "NO".
A rebel vote for the next one...
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Slated by many for being excessively long and finishing at what appeared to be the middle of a scene. Hammered by Tolkein-o-philes for not staying "true to the book" (although they're clearly stupid, since it was two books. Each film covers one volume, each of which is two books, dumbasses!). Cinematic masterpiece or waffling, aimless swords'n'dragons cobblers?
One I've never seen, mainly because the first was SO bad:
Dumb & Dumberer
What can be more annoying that Jim Carrey pretending to have a mental disability? Yep - someone else pretending to be Jim Carrey pretending to have a mental disability...
The man of wood gets a starring role in the next film:
Paycheck
Hollywood takes another short story from sci-fi mind-messer Philip K. Dick, rapes it and throws the crappiest actors it can find at the screen. Nonsensical drivel only saved by... the fact it finished.
Just like Armageddon, this big-budget summer blockbuster was not exempt...
Independence Day
Full of moving imagery, but generally only succeeded in moving bowels. Three words - dog in tunnel.
Driving a stake right through the heart of the Law of Diminishing Returns:
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
A film series SO bad that even Steve Guttenberg had left by now, leaving the film with only that tall bloke, the squeaky-voiced woman, that bloke who likes guns and the one that makes weird noises but was badly dubbed because he wasn't funny anymore. Hopeless tripe.
Probably the biggest loser in terms of cost-to-receipts EVER
Waterworld
But at least Costner gave me one good idea. I drank my own piss to alleviate the boredom.
Good film turned bad series
Highlander 3: The Sorcerer
Specially made for those who thought the second film made no sense at all, this film set out to prove that logic and a coherent timeline are just unnecessary if you have a Frenchman pretending to be Scottish (although he's really an alien - watch the second film, if you can bear it). Mario Van Feebles stomps around looking purposeful and gets lucky when he's decapitated. Jammy git.
Another new experience for me, in the shape of
Cabin Fever
Not seen it. Apparently it's about a group of people in a remote country lodge who contract Necrotising fasciitis - a flesh-eating bacterium.
Not GOING to see it.
Another case of sequel-phobia. Holy dreadful acting, it's
Batman & Robin
Now, you'd think having FIVE leading lights of Hollywood in the main roles would be a good idea. Wouldn't you? Go and watch this film. The character interplay - or rather lack of - is a joy to behold and a script dug straight out of someone's arse. Burton/Keaton's "dark ninja" is replaced by Schumacher/Clooney's dork no-mark, "Hi Freeze! I'm Batman!"
Some more hack'n'slash drudgery, this time looking like
Dungeons & Dragons
Jeremy Irons goes OTT and "that bloke who was Jimmy in the New Adventures of Superman" fails to die horribly (unlike the rest of the film, which does).
And finally we have the last most-polled option,
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Like Spiderman, it's another chance for us all to see how zany Willem Dafoe can be. Like The Net, it's another chance for us to see how flappy and indecisive Sandra Bullock can be. Like Keanu Reeves, Jason Patric couldn't act if his life depended upon it - but Reeves has a head start, in that he doesn't have to pretend to be Keanu Reeves.
A dross sequel to an enjoyable first film.
Ladies and germs, place your votes!
*Please note: "Three" turned out not to be a real number, quantifiable to 3. It was, actually, one. Sorry about that.
