Coping with the loss of a loved one.

[boombexus]

For those of you that have lost someone that is close to you, (mother, father, sister or brother, wife, husband,. ect.) How have you dealt with it?

My father is near passing. He's stricken with cancer. It's in his brain, lungs, liver, kidneys, rib cage and lymphnodes.
As of today, my mother admited him to the emergency room because his condition has deteriorated so much that my dad can't even walk and must now breathe with the aid of an oxygen tank.

I expect to lose him soon as his prognosis from the doctors is less than a week. (However, it may be much more than that.)

But on the verge of losing my father to cancer, how have the rest of you out there, that have coped with losing someone that is close to you, made it through the journey? What did you do to aleviate some of the pain?

I'm not asking for sympathy, but asking for assistance in how hearing you have dealt with a loss.

Thanks.

 

[Sage]

I haven't had someone that close to me die yet (closest was a grandma and brother-in-law), but I'd say the easiest thing to do is to stop thinking of it as a "loss", and see it as a good time to reflect on that person's past and to celebrate the life that they were fortunate enough to have. The way I personally view my death is that A) I won't know once it happens, and B) what I accomplished while I was living will "justify" (that's the wrong word, but I'm having a brain fart) my life on Earth. I apply that to other people's deaths, and thus there is less reason to actually be saddened/grieve over the death, but instead to think, "Wow, what a great life (s)he had!". Also, I don't see much in being saddened, because it doesn't really help things in any way (except if the death was caused by something like a murder, then the sadness stems from anger, but obviously that's not the case for your father).

I dunno, call me heartless, but I see it as a natural progression of life rather than this dreadful, negative event. And if your father doesn't mind, celebrate his life instead of having a horribly mournful funeral – my grandma specifically asked for a party when she died, and that's what we did, and it worked out really nicely (a formal, talk-to-other-people-get-together-party of course ).

 

[milefile]

I'm sure two posts from people who really can't relate isn't waht you want right now, but I've never lost anyone either, yet. Even though you didn't ask for it, you still have my sympathy.

 

[boombexus]

the easiest thing to do is to stop thinking of it as a "loss", and see it as a good time to reflect on that person's past and to celebrate the life that they were fortunate enough to have.

That's a very good way to look at it Sage. Thank you for that. And thank you too Eric for your post.

I never really fully understood what my dad did for a living as it was mostly classified information, as he worked for the CIA.
But even in light of me not knowing what exactly it was that he did, I can safely assume that it was some pretty cool shi0t! Stuff, that in a way, really did make a difference. (Whether right or wrong depending on how we view the actions of the CIA.)

Thanks again guys.

 

[king jame II]

I've lost several important people in my life. And all i can tell you is that it takes time to get over any loss. You miss alot of things when they are gone. But, you will always have memories of them to comfort you. One day at a time. Family support can also help you through the greiving (sp?) process. I'm really sorry to hear about your father. If he is really ill, i suggest spending as much time as you can now and enjoy it for everything its worth. Take it easy.
James-

 

[Solid Lifters]

It was the death of my father, when I was just 10 years old, that led me to my drinking problem. Remember, I said I started drinking at an early age. But, since you've been down that road before, and know what has happened to me with my former drinking problem, that drinking yourself stupid is not the answer.

I still have problems coming to terms with the death of my father, because of how and when it happened, but obviously, you have a different situation. You are an adult, with many memories of your father, and that's all we will have with us until the end. Our memories.

I would suggest you make the most of what you have left. Make as many fun memories as you can, so when you think of your fathers end, you will think of some wonderful memories, that took place during a sad and difficult time. Remembering your father, with both good stuff, and bad, will help you get through the difficult feeling of losing him. Try to relize your life without him, and then you'll know how lucky you were to have him in your life.

I know I'm not always correct about things, but this is what helps me cope with the death of my father. Maybe it will help you too.

 

[Goomba]

First off, I want to say I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do, give me a call. Hey, I may even let you drive my car. 👍

I haven't lost an immediate family member, but my grandpa (I never called him "grandfather" and I don't plan to start now) passed away a few years ago. We weren't as close as my parents and I are, but I did know the man quite well. My parents hit some rough times when I was seven and we moved in with my grandparents. He was always there for me and was a great person to have around. He moved to an assisted living complex about seven years later, where he passed after a few years.

I let everything get to me, and I felt that was the best way to deal with it. I cried out of sorrow and of joy and mourned his passing. I felt that I was going to have to deal with these emotions at some point, and better now than later. However, I also looked at it like Sage suggested, and reflected upon all the good times that we had. Hah, of course, thats a bit of a Catch 22, because that just makes you want to cry more . But in the end, you realize that you were truely blessed to know this individual and that you could spend as many good times with them as you did.

 

[Jugend]

Never had to deal with loosing a parent yet. Grandparents, yes, but that's not the same thing.

I believe there is no general good way of coping with the loss of a parent, only your way. It will be an event which will shake you in your foundation. Good thing though is that you are reflecting of how to deal with what's coming. Let it take all the time it needs and allow yourself to grieve even after two or four years if that's what it will take.

 

[///M-Spec]

Two and half years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Although she has since beaten it into remission with some cutting edge treatments, doctors tell us this aggressive strain will most likely return within five years and the odds for the long term are slim.

While I can empathise with what you are going through right now, I don't think I can really fully understand what you'll be going through soon. I've lost a grandmother whom I was close to, but I was an adolescent at the time. I have to imagine losing a parent is even worse, especially if you are a fully aware adult.

People deal with grief in different ways. Early in my mother's treatment, I was mostly in denial --the first stage of grief. I must have been in denial a long time because I only broke down once when we threw a party for her. I was talking to her and out of the blue, I just started to ball like a 4 year old.

You may want to read a good book on the process. Psychologists have long documented the various stages of grief and treating its effects are well-known. Sometimes, understanding what you are going through helps you cope with it. I wish I had one to recommend, but I never picked one up while mom was undergoing the chemo --there's the denial again.

I feel how weak and fruitless this all sounds, since death is something no one has an easy time dealing with, much less give advice on. My sympathy still goes to you and your family.


M

 

[Duke]

Hi, Rob. First off, my deepest sympathy to you and your father and your family. I've been through exactly what you're going through now. Don't hesitate to email or PM me if you want to talk, and I will give you my phone number if you wish.

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer almost 20 years after he quit smoking. This was just before Christmas of 1996, so I was almost 32. It involved his lungs and lymphatic system and pericardium, which was what actually killed him 5 months later - congestive heart failure. My mother is also recovering from having a good size brain tumor removed about 10 months ago.

At first he seemed determined to beat it, though he was always up front about the possibility of it being terminal. Then he seemed to give up. At first I was angry at him for giving up, even while he was still alive, but I kept that anger inside when I was with him and tried to be positive and supportive. But I came to realize that he hadn't 'given up' but rather made peace with the idea of dying. He was 69 - not ancient, but in the late stages of a relatively happy life. Luckily he had been able to retire more than 10 years before that, so he had much opportunity to enjoy the benefit of his hard work.

I tried to be as natural as possible around him, not wasting the time left agonizing about the coming separation and not dwelling in the past. I tried to touch him a lot - rest my hand on his shoulder, pat him, hold his hand - because that was one thing that couldn't be replaced. I made sure I told him I loved him many times and how proud I was of him and of what he had taught me. Those are things that don't get said enough and those are things that everyone wants to know, particularly as they are refleecting on their own lives. I wish I had done even more of that and there were a number of really really important things I never managed to articulate even to myself before he died. Due to an unfortunate occurance I was not able to be with him when he died, which is my one true regret from the whole situation.

Sage has put it very well - once again demonstrating that his wisdom is far beyond his years.

After his death I never really did break down. A number of people semi-accused me of repressing the grief, but in fact it was more a function of he and I having dealt with it and put it aside before he died, rather than live in fear of the inevitable. My sisters were more emotional about it, I suppose. There was a small formal service, and we had a 'celebration' much like Sage's grandmother's (also at my father's request) where we invited friends and family to just come and be together and talk about him as the urge struck. It really did work out to be a great thing, with lots of people really sharing their knowledge and love of him rather than just standing silently listening to a sermon. In fact that event was partly where some final understanding came to me of what a great father he had been. Shortly after that I went up to his workshop by myself for a couple hours, and looked through his tools and his old projects and his half-completed projects and his unstarted projects, and I said everything to him that I hadn't understood or gotten a chance to say before his death.

It's funny - the pain will fade, but that doesn't mean you are forgetting him. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of my father, yet I can't tell you the date he died and I have to do some mental calculation to even remember the year it happened. His death itself isn't the important part, so it just can't attach itself to his memory.

 

[boombexus]

Thanks Duke. I'll definately reply to you via PM when I'm a bit more composed.

The thing that really upsets me the most, is not that my father is passing, (I think that I've come to trems with it,) but the pain that my mother is going through.
When she calls me to talk, she usually ends up crying.
It pains me so much to know that she is going through pain, cus I love her so dearly. Her situation is only compounded again by the fact that her sister, who is her dearest freind, is battling brain cancer and losing. Just the situation that she may be loosing two people that are so dear to her in such a short time is ruining her. My mom is an absolute wreck.

I can't type anymore. Sorry.

 

[Arwin]

Thanks Duke. I'll definately reply to you via PM when I'm a bit more composed.

The thing that really upsets me the most, is not that my father is passing, (I think that I've come to trems with it,) but the pain that my mother is going through.
When she calls me to talk, she usually ends up crying.
It pains me so much to know that she is going through pain, cus I love her so dearly. Her situation is only compounded again by the fact that her sister, who is her dearest freind, is battling brain cancer and losing. Just the situation that she may be loosing two people that are so dear to her in such a short time is ruining her. My mom is an absolute wreck.

I can't type anymore. Sorry.

Man, that's harsh. I've lived my life always knowing that whomever was close to me could pass away, almost as long as I can remember. I find that helped me deal with most situations quite well. Although that might seem the logical consequence, the idea is not to prevent yourself from loving or even getting attached to someone, but on the contrary to appreciate the time you have with him or her more. That's also my stance to life in general - I'm grateful for every day I can live and try to take none of them for granted.

However, carrying and dealing with your own pain is one thing, dealing with the pain of someone you love is another. I can hardly bear it, so I either need to spend all my energy in helping to make that person feel better, and if I absolutely can't, then I need a lot of diversions (like driving the Nurburgring in the GT BMW Demo or Adminstrating a Board's Challenge ... ).

But for me in the end it all comes down to acceptance of not having the power to do anything about it, being grateful for what we do have and have power over, and moving on.

I wish you all the best!

 

[Duke]

Yeah, that is very tough on your mother, and by extension, you. The best thing you can do is talk to her, talk to her, talk to her. Give her the knowledge (even subconscious) that you will be there when the worst happens. Let her know that there will be a 'Plan B' for life after.

 

[Pupik]

For all the people I've lost, fortunately, it's never been a parent. And until I was 20, my extended family had suffered very little in the way of extreme sickness or loss. In the past 10 years, I have lost four grandparents, about 6 or 7 "close" aunts/uncles, and a good mentor (who taught me just about all I know at my present occupation). My mom and her sister have breast cancer, and my dad is in and out of the hospital every year or so for an extended stay.

I don't have the answer to this one. The more I expereince of the passing of those close to me, the more I want to live life as something more than a paycheck, a footnote, or a number. I thirst for understanding of the world around me, for truth no matter how ugly or difficult to attain, love no matter how painful, and happiness as my highest goal. To be without the people I love is painful at times, but you get to remember all the good things later on, and tell great stories.

The void is difficult to fill at times, but you move on. We always have so much more we could have done or said, but you have to face that what didn't do isn't anywhere near as important was what we actually did when you experienced it together in the first place. The tough part is that we always wanted to say one more thing, hear one more thing, share something, etc.

I spend less time trying to do three things at once, and enjoy just doing one thing at a time. I'd rather spend 5 hours waiting with family for a tow truck, watching paint dry, or admiring the grass grow, than waste an hour doing nothing but sitting in front of a TV. I'd rather be with people I care about, than trying to care about something that just puts me down, wastes my time, or complicates my life.

My mother came down with breast cancer about two years ago, and the treatment looks good, but there's always that nagging feeling that things could get worse. Instead of dwelling on it, she now lives for this things she always said she was going to do later life. She's no longer nagging her children about stupid stuff, she calls to participate in our lives in a much nicer way than before (or maybe it's because we're all married now, too).

Rob, be fortunate that you have this time to speak to your dad. I wanted to see my grandfather for what would have been the last time, so I drove like mad for 300 miles, but arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late. I felt like the most defeated man on earth...but I realize that death is tough to deal with because we don't want the story to end. However, since all things are impermanent, and we must deal with the fact that we can't always see everything bloom into what we wanted it to be.

 

[Blackbird.]

I lost my grandpa long ago, and I don't exactly remember how I coped with it. I think I cried myself to sleep and overtime moved on.

 

[High-Test]

I never met my Grandparents, and I still have most of my relatives, so I haven't had to deal with that stuff yet. The only thing wise I would have to say is when the time comes, you shouldn't mourn but concentrate on the wonderful life they had. They would probably rather you be happy that they're going to a better place then sit around wearing black.

(I hope this post made at least a little sense.)

 

[Famine]

I agree with Sage - although in this respect it requires an astonishing degree of pragmatism.

My mother died 10 years ago of... guess... This one was pancreatic. It was unusual as she was one of those people who's never been ill a day in their life. Then her and my dad retire and 3 months later she drops dead (with 4 days notice, I might add. The first of those four days being my 17th birthday, I might further add). The first week was kind of tough - followed by a lot of a weirdly empty place. Truthfully it isn't something you will ever "get over", but by being practical, accepting that **** happens and remembering aspects - even bad aspects... We find remembering those is funnier - of the person you can deal with it given time. That said, I'm still rather edgy talking about it.

My dad's been in and out of hospital the last 18 months. He's had 2 heart attacks, one quadruple heart bypass and two strokes (in that order). The possibility that he might kark it has crossed my mind more than once (not least because general anaesthetics carry a small risk, and having a weak heart exacerbates that risk), and in all I think that it might affect me more - even though I was always a mummy's boy - since in the last 10 years my dad has mellowed to the point of almost unwitting coolness. I think I've had a bad effect on him... I've actually already written his eulogy, mentally. The first words are "Oh bollocks." (which is precisely what he'd say if he were at his own funeral).


Nonetheless, people deal in their own ways. My way is practicality and humour.

 

[DRIFT4EVA]

Yeah the humour thing comes up alot. You just have to be aware of who you say it to and where. Talking definately helps. I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose someone. I've lost my Grandma and Nana, but I was very young, so I didn't really notice it.

We here at GTP, have got your back man. If you want to talk. We'll listen. 👍 You have, without a doubt, my sympathy.