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Because of demand, I'm making this thread for you Darwin Award fans out there. Every so often I'll write up more stories for you guys to talk and laugh about.
If you're wondering what the different titles mean, hears a explaination:
Darwin Awards nominees lost their reproductive capacity by killing or sterilizing themselves, and this is the only catagory eligible to win a Darwin Award.
Honorable Mentions are foolish misadventures that stop short of the ultimate sacrifice, but still illustrate the innovative spirit of Darwin Award candidates.
Personal Accounts were submitted by loyal readers blowing the whistle of stupidity, and are plausible but unusually unverified narratives. In some cases readers submitting Personal Accounts have been identified with their permission, but this does not necessarily mean that the sources are directly associated with their Personal Accounts.
Right, here are the ones I've already written in the Conversation Forum:
Personal Account: Pissing Into The Wind
A man from Tuscon was visiting Windy Point, overlooking a sheer cliff on Moutn Lemmon. Because so many gawking tourists flock to the site, a wrought iron safety fence has been installed to prevent hapless rubbernecks from slipping over the cliff. The weather was terrible.
Thunderstorms are common in late summer, and the Tuscon man was the only man there. He decided to take advantage of the privacy and urinate through bars of the fence over the cliff face below.
As he urinated, lightning from a powerful desert thunderstorm atruck the fence, which was a perfect lightning rod due to its size, location and composition. The charged travelled through the fence along the path of least resistance, not only to the ground but also up the mans urine stream, causing his penis to explode.
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie
The 1994 Darwin Award went to the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to get free soda out of it.
Honerable Mention: Mr. Happy's Vacuum
There's apparently not much to occupy residents of Long Branch during the war May evenings. A fifty-one-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow has no saftey qualms, and besides, using a vacuum cleaner has the appealing aspect of tidying up his mess afterward.
Our horny hero didn't realize that the suction on his handheld Singer A-6 was created by a blade whirrling just beneath the hose attachment, adjacent to the collection bag. Hos search for pleasure was court short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off parts of his glands. With a sense of loss he staggered to the phone and called police. He told them he'd been stabbled in his sleep.
When the police pointed out suspecious evidence, the victim claimed not to remember the incident.
Surgeons at Monmouth Medical Center stopped the bleeding, but they were unable to reattach the half-inch severed part. Thought the man is still alive, his ability to reproduce has been curailed by both his injury and his proclivity for household appliances.
Darwin Award: Love From The Heart
1997 Italy
A man was found naked and dead with an unidentifiable mass attached to his penis. The coroner examined the man and, in a brilliant display of detective work, dertermined that he had connected a cow heart to electric cables and plugged the apperatus into a normal 220-volt outlet. He then tried to have sex with the quickly pumping toy, and was killed by the electricity unleashed by the object of his desire.
Darwin Award: The Bumbershoot
A sword-swallower died in Bonn after he put an Umbrella down his throat - and accidentally pushed the button that opened it.
Personal Account: Leveled
An article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer decribes a most outstanding death. A construction worker was busy building a building, when he relised that he needed a three-hundered-pound block suspended above him. But he was the only man on his level, and it normally takes two men to preven the brock from landing too hard on the metal grinder. The worker figured it would save time if he just cut the rope and let the rock fall forty feet.
The block crashed right through the level he was standing on and killed another fellow below. He leaned over to see if the the fellow that the block landed on was okay, and lost his balance. He fell forty feet to the next level, breaking his neck. And so, there was a dead guy underneath the block, and a dead guy on top of it.
Here's some new ones:
Honerable Mention: Airbag Weapons
In South Africa carjacking has become popular in recent years. The South African law has lenient provisions for self-defence, and allows "lethal action" if person property is in danger. Citizens are inventive in creating martial security systems for their cars. Poison gas, acid showers, flamethrowers, and automatic gunfire are not umknown.
One such security system relied upon an airbag installed in the car roof. If a driver sat down without disabling the mechanism, the airbag would inflate and this the victim atop his head with a force strong enough to render him unconscious.
Ans this is exactly what happened to Pieter, who, armed with a pistol, attempted to steal this vehicle. When the airbag exploded, he thought someone was shooting at him, and he instinctively fired the pistol twice. Unfortunatley for him, his gun was still in his pocket at the time.
One bullet hit his knee, and the other lodged in the base of this penis.
Honerable Mention: Right Tool For The Right Job
Carl Wayne, twenty, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he had fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. Apparently, while he was repairing the car he discovered a need to bore a hole in the tailpipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he used the tool of expendiency and tried to shoot a hole in it with his gun.
Darwin Award: The Last Supper
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autospy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood.
His diet has consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, just the right combination of foods to produce a severe gas attack. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.
Has his window been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but they were sealed shut to creat a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an abese man with an unlimited capacity for creating methane gas, and a deadly disregard for proper ventilation.
Discuss and laugh away!
If you're wondering what the different titles mean, hears a explaination:
Darwin Awards nominees lost their reproductive capacity by killing or sterilizing themselves, and this is the only catagory eligible to win a Darwin Award.
Honorable Mentions are foolish misadventures that stop short of the ultimate sacrifice, but still illustrate the innovative spirit of Darwin Award candidates.
Personal Accounts were submitted by loyal readers blowing the whistle of stupidity, and are plausible but unusually unverified narratives. In some cases readers submitting Personal Accounts have been identified with their permission, but this does not necessarily mean that the sources are directly associated with their Personal Accounts.
Right, here are the ones I've already written in the Conversation Forum:
Personal Account: Pissing Into The Wind
A man from Tuscon was visiting Windy Point, overlooking a sheer cliff on Moutn Lemmon. Because so many gawking tourists flock to the site, a wrought iron safety fence has been installed to prevent hapless rubbernecks from slipping over the cliff. The weather was terrible.
Thunderstorms are common in late summer, and the Tuscon man was the only man there. He decided to take advantage of the privacy and urinate through bars of the fence over the cliff face below.
As he urinated, lightning from a powerful desert thunderstorm atruck the fence, which was a perfect lightning rod due to its size, location and composition. The charged travelled through the fence along the path of least resistance, not only to the ground but also up the mans urine stream, causing his penis to explode.
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie
The 1994 Darwin Award went to the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to get free soda out of it.
Honerable Mention: Mr. Happy's Vacuum
There's apparently not much to occupy residents of Long Branch during the war May evenings. A fifty-one-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow has no saftey qualms, and besides, using a vacuum cleaner has the appealing aspect of tidying up his mess afterward.
Our horny hero didn't realize that the suction on his handheld Singer A-6 was created by a blade whirrling just beneath the hose attachment, adjacent to the collection bag. Hos search for pleasure was court short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off parts of his glands. With a sense of loss he staggered to the phone and called police. He told them he'd been stabbled in his sleep.
When the police pointed out suspecious evidence, the victim claimed not to remember the incident.
Surgeons at Monmouth Medical Center stopped the bleeding, but they were unable to reattach the half-inch severed part. Thought the man is still alive, his ability to reproduce has been curailed by both his injury and his proclivity for household appliances.
Darwin Award: Love From The Heart
1997 Italy
A man was found naked and dead with an unidentifiable mass attached to his penis. The coroner examined the man and, in a brilliant display of detective work, dertermined that he had connected a cow heart to electric cables and plugged the apperatus into a normal 220-volt outlet. He then tried to have sex with the quickly pumping toy, and was killed by the electricity unleashed by the object of his desire.
Darwin Award: The Bumbershoot
A sword-swallower died in Bonn after he put an Umbrella down his throat - and accidentally pushed the button that opened it.
Personal Account: Leveled
An article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer decribes a most outstanding death. A construction worker was busy building a building, when he relised that he needed a three-hundered-pound block suspended above him. But he was the only man on his level, and it normally takes two men to preven the brock from landing too hard on the metal grinder. The worker figured it would save time if he just cut the rope and let the rock fall forty feet.
The block crashed right through the level he was standing on and killed another fellow below. He leaned over to see if the the fellow that the block landed on was okay, and lost his balance. He fell forty feet to the next level, breaking his neck. And so, there was a dead guy underneath the block, and a dead guy on top of it.
Here's some new ones:
Honerable Mention: Airbag Weapons
In South Africa carjacking has become popular in recent years. The South African law has lenient provisions for self-defence, and allows "lethal action" if person property is in danger. Citizens are inventive in creating martial security systems for their cars. Poison gas, acid showers, flamethrowers, and automatic gunfire are not umknown.
One such security system relied upon an airbag installed in the car roof. If a driver sat down without disabling the mechanism, the airbag would inflate and this the victim atop his head with a force strong enough to render him unconscious.
Ans this is exactly what happened to Pieter, who, armed with a pistol, attempted to steal this vehicle. When the airbag exploded, he thought someone was shooting at him, and he instinctively fired the pistol twice. Unfortunatley for him, his gun was still in his pocket at the time.
One bullet hit his knee, and the other lodged in the base of this penis.
Honerable Mention: Right Tool For The Right Job
Carl Wayne, twenty, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he had fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. Apparently, while he was repairing the car he discovered a need to bore a hole in the tailpipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he used the tool of expendiency and tried to shoot a hole in it with his gun.
Darwin Award: The Last Supper
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autospy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood.
His diet has consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, just the right combination of foods to produce a severe gas attack. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.
Has his window been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but they were sealed shut to creat a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an abese man with an unlimited capacity for creating methane gas, and a deadly disregard for proper ventilation.
Discuss and laugh away!
The rules state no children are allowed.
