Got this in an email:
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny!!!
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. It was the worst 15 minutes of my life.
Gun control means being able to hit your target.
Do a mouse a favour... Eat a *****!
Keep working. Thousands on welfare depend on you.
The more people I meet, the more I love my dog.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Save a cow, eat a vegetarian.
If you can read this, you're in range.
Honk if you're illiterate.
No wonder your so fat... Look at the size of you!
My kid beat up your Honors Student.
Fish naked. You might catch the big one.
Wyoming: where men are men and sheep are nervous.
Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional.
Caution: Driver is legally blonde.
Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
I love animals; they're delicious.
FART: Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
Dain bramaged.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that.
Heart Attacks: God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
Money isn't everything, but it keeps the kids in touch!
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are only talking to me!
Don't upset me; I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
All men are animals; some just make better pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Be good to your children; they will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Jeans by Calvin Klein, body by Twinkies.
Got beer?
Make sure you stand for something, or you're liable to fall for anything.
Ignore your health, and it will go away.
Metaphors be with you. [promotion for a "Poetry Alive!" program]
My wife's other car is a broom.
If I wanted your lip, I'd have unzipped my fly.
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Not so close! I'm still making payments.
Jeez if you love honkus.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
My kid impregnated your honor roll student.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
Illiterate? Write for help.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
You! Out of the gene pool!
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
It's been lovely but I have to scream now.
I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.
If you can read this, please flip me back over. [Seen upside down on a Jeep.]
Axe me about ebonics.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at bill collectors... and miss.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
If you say sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Guys have feelings too, but like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Vegetarian: Indian word for bad hunter.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
It's time to pull over and check the air in your head.
I is a college student.
If you're living like there is no God, you'd better hope you're right.
Mean people suck.
Honk if parts fall off.
Want to get laid? Crawl up to a chicken's ass and wait.
Caution: Driver just doesn't give a **** anymore.
Normal people worry me.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Your kid's an honor student, but you're a moron!
Horn broken, watch for finger.
It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you love honking. [seen in NYC]
On a 30 lb. diet I lost 6 days.
Happiness is seeing Clinton's face on a milk carton.
Live your life so the preacher won't have to lie at your funeral.
I'm not completely useless... I can be used to set a bad example.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
Coffee, chocolate, men; some things are just better rich.
Liberal arts major: will think for food.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
Gravity: it's not just a good idea. It's the law.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; sorry, closed.
In dog years I'm dead.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute?
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her... or something like that.
I only jet ski on days that end in y.
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Visualize whirled peas.
I fish, therefore I lie.
I say we fish 5 days and work 2.
Don't steal: the government hates competition.
It's not enough to succeed; others must fail.
Enlighten a liberal; shine a flashlight under his rock.
You've been a bad boy. Go to my room! [on a girl's car]
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
Janet Reno Waco Welcome Wagon. [seen on military Hummer]
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
Princess: having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun.
And your point is...?
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me; you will not win.
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
This isn't clutter; these are my antiques.
Discover wildlife: have kids.
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it.
By the time you find the greener pastures, you can't climb the fence.
I'm not an alcoholic, I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
In America anyone can be President. That's one of the risks you take.
I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people; he made SO many.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Sure you can trust the government; just ask an Indian.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
0-60 in 15 minutes.
If the car's a-rockin', don't bother knockin'.
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, MY CAR DID.
Sex is like air; it isn't important until you aren't getting any.
My honors student used her martial arts training to kick your kid's ass.
It's not pretty being easy.
I am woman, I am invincible, I am tired.
I can handle anything: I have children.
I'm not a housewife, I'm a domestic goddess.
Motherhood: it's not just a job, it's an adventure.
Life is short: pray hard.
Wild women don't get the blues.
Prosecutors will be violated.
I graduated with a 4.0... blood alcohol level.
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face.
Save a pony; ride a cowgirl.
Will drink beer for money.
General Nuclear War in module EARTH.exe. This program will be shut down.
Be a rich man's lackey: vote republican.
There is no I in TEAM but there is a ME.
Don't like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-****.
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.
Mediocracy: the shortest blade of grass gets cut last.
Don't honk, it spoils the surprise when you hit me.
Keep comin': two more feet and I'll be rich.
Wife and cat missing. Reward for cat.
Peace is worth shooting for.
Dopeless hope fiend.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
My tires are legally bald.
Caution: vehicle makes sudden stops. Stop riding my ass!
I voted for the other guy.
If you object to logging, try using plastic toilet paper.
My other car is a Millennium Falcon.
Stupidity should be painful.
Gun control means using both hands.
He who dies with the most toys wins.
Keep tailgating me while I reload.
Why suffer from insanity when you can revel in it?
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open.
Heaven doesn't want me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
I'm not drunk, I'm aiming at the pigeons!
I'm home, take me drunk.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.
Avoid AIDS. Do your own thing.
If you can read this then I've lost my trailer.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Dad's pad when mom's mad.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Honk if my dog falls out.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If god had not intended for us to eat animals he would not have made them of meat.
Don't like my driving? Stop following me.
Meat: murder never tasted so good.
Eternity: Smoking or Non?
Would you drive any better with that cell phone shoved up your ass?
God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
I only run over ugly people.
My tax dollars bought your siren.
You can't spell "bull****" without "Bush"!
Turn off your headlights... my bumper stickers can't see.
Hey, I didn't kill you... get away from my trunk.
This car looks familiar because I stole it from you.
I'm not going slowly; you're just tailgating.
WARNING: I go from Zero to ***** in 3.5 seconds.
Save the planet... kill yourself!
Come any closer and I will eat you!
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?
Earth First... we'll log the other planets later.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
What am I? Flypaper for morons?
I'm busy. You're ugly. Now go away!
Remind me to beat you senseless before I leave.
I want to do my part to make this world a better place, but murder is illegal.
Stop animal testing. They're stupid and only give wrong answers.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Learn her, drive her.
Be courteous, you &%$@# idiot!
I 8 NY
Your village called: their idiot is missing.
You thought I was a *****, wait until you meet my mom.
My child has perfect attendance at Huntsville State Penitentiary. [seen on a car in Texas]
It's not a good idea to defuse a bomb using your favorite colors.
I thought I had hit rock bottom, but now I'm tunneling.
How's my driving? Call: 911.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Feminism: The weak attempt by women to make men think women are human too.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? I slap mine until she gets back on the job.
Save the rainforest. Eat a beaver.
I'm not your wife, so get off my ass!
Think globally, kill locally.
Jesus is coming and boy is he pissed!
**** happens.
It was difficult to code. So it damn well better be difficult to use.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Scott me up, Beamy.
I'm flatter than a pancake on a diet.
I brake for hallucinations.
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.
If at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you tried.
My ass isn't itchy, so get the **** off my tail!
I'm so horny the crack of dawn looks good!
So many Christians, so few lions...
If you can read this, I bet you smell it.
Parents are like diapers. They stick to your butt and are full of ****.
Money talks: mine always says goodbye.
Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down!
A hard man is good to find.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
I'd love to help you out, but I don't do brain surgery.
Warning! My tires are from Firestone.
You're just talking out your ass because your mouth knows better.
Better to look like a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast!
Fishing: it's not how big your worm is it's how you wiggle it!
Getting old: Better than the alternative.
If size doesn't matter, how come I'm so popular?
US Government philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.
Warning: In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.
Stop looking at my car's ass!
If love is a matter of chemistry, sex is physics.
Not all people are human.
Try to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out!
You may be going faster than me, but I am in front of you.
This car protected by Smith & Wesson.
Driver carries no cash. Wife and kids have it all.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
The man who says he's boss at home is lying, single or just plain stupid.
Earth is full. Go home!
I'm young enough to know better but old enough not to give a damn!
Jesus is coming, and he's not wearing a condom.
Not all dumbs are blonde.
You can get more with kind words and a 2 by 4 then you can get with kind words alone.
If a man says something in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
There is no gravity... the earth sucks!
My reality check bounced.
The Grey Poupon is in my other car.
Speaking of Grey Poop on it... why would you want to?
