Is honesty really what you want.

[xcsti]

I'm sure the issue of ignorance has come up before but I would like to see how you guys would apply this to members of the opposite sex.

If a girl knows you like her, would you rather be ignorant of her opinion of you or would you rather know her feelings almost immediatly.

Married members, from your experience does honesty help your relationship? Are there questions you will never answer?

Mods feel free to instantly delete this thread if you feel it serves no purpose. Anyone else feel free to ask question that delve deeper than what I've outlined in my high drunken state (hey I can still type!).

Basically I've been spurred to ask this question over the last few days by
1) admitting to a girl while I was drunk (she wasn't) that I had feelings for her (yeah not the best idea) and getting told to talk to her later when I wasn't in that state (still havent done it, though we've hanged out).
2) Finding out a girl I knew liked me but was she was kind of relieved to move on after hearing about my confessions to the other girl.

Honestly I would rather get denied and get a bit of weight off my shoulders than have to wonder what she really thinks. I still wonder if her telling me to not talk about it then was an instant denial, or a way for her to compile her feelings (whether they are good or bad). And though I feel tense, she doesn't seem to act any different around me (is that good or bad?).

The other girl is a good friend and she says feels a bit better but I can't tell the truth. She had a long talk and she knows that I can't make up feelings but I really don't think that consoles her in any way.

I don't really know what to do, I'm lookin for a bit of advice from those who have succeeded in holding good relationships.

I'm not sure the opinions thread is the best place for this so any mod can move it to where they feel appropriate (as long as it isn't the comedy area).

 

[Jimmy Enslashay]

I'm not sure what you're trying to ask for here. Are you asking whether you should be honest to the friend of yours, or what? Sorry, it's been a long, alcohol-filled weekend, and I just got home from work.

In general response, I think honesty in most cases is the right way to go, especially in relationships. Don't express feelings, let alone anything, in a relationship with a double-meaning. Double-meanings can be very bad for relationships, I know. But with honesty, the problem is timing, and how to go about it. I only believe in lies which in the end hurt noone, and does more good than the truth probably would.

 

[Ten]

Truth is key. You'll never get anywhere in life just taking in what you want to hear.

 

[Minnesota01R6]

The girl telling you to talk to her when you were sober was probably because she didn't want you trying to get some because you were drunk. Tell her that you honestly have feelings for her and she might tell you she likes you too.


As for honesty in a relationship, I would say it is good in most cases. I once told my fiancee I didn't want to do anything with her on a certain day because I wanted to play GT4. NOT A GOOD IDEA. If I had it to do over again I would tell her I was donating a kidney.

 

[DQuaN]

Honesty is allways the best way. It may be painful sometimes. But one can only make a a sensible and justified decision or action, if all the facts are there

 

[Duke]

I would most assuredly want to find out what she wanted. If you truly like her, and she tells you to talk to her later but you don't, she's probably going to think it was only the alcohol talking, and she'll move on even if she also likes you.

And so you'll lose the chance for sure. If you talk to her, though, you've got a much better chance that things will work out well, and no worse chance that they'll work out badly.

Get a few minutes alone to talk about it or send her a note saying though you were drunk that you really meant what you said, assuming you still do. It can't hurt and it may well help.

And YES, honesty is the key to a relationship. There are some times when you should not say anything, but there are never times that you should lie.

 

[Thealosia]

I think honesty is overrated. Think about it! Of course man loves to receive honesty, it gives him the power of knowledge AND fact. A lie only gives him a superficial benefit if anything. However, a lie can also be an unrealized virtue depending on the circumstances of course.
In example: Has anyone seen the movie 'Jacob the Liar?' He lied and gave the Jews hope that the Russians were only a few kilometers away from the Nazis thanks to a false radio he secretly keeps in his home. This kept hundreds if not thousands of Jews alive, and filled with progress, and hope. If he were to tell the truth, suicide would have been a common routine at his ghetto. He would have lost his friends and family.
My conclusion: The only reason why honesty has the better promotion is because it gives man power of knowledge, and fact. A lie can only give a superficial enetertainment if anything.

 

[LoudMusic]

I would want to know for sure. There is no reason to not know. If you find out she's interested in you, you have something to work with. If she's not interested, you have the option to move on without a loss.

 

[///M-Spec]

Married guy chiming in (almost 5 years married, 7 years in relationship; very happy). Honesty is one of, if not the most important requirements for a solid marriage/relationship. Notice I said requirement, not "nice to have" or "works for some people". You NEED honesty in any kind of relationship, otherwise you always hurt your chances of making sure both parties are getting their needs met. I suppose you could keep a relationship going for years where both people are only partially truthful with one another, but IMO, such a relationship has a definitive shelf life and would not last any serious test of commitment.

Let me also point out that you have to be honest with yourself before you can be completely truthful to your partner.

Just to use Minnesota01R6's example above (I'm not picking on you, just wanted to use the example), you may be tempted to tell your spouse/girlfriend a lie and say you'd rather be spending time with her than playing a video game. I think that is mistake.

The reason is because if you really, really wanted to play a game rather than spend time with her, then you are not only doing her a disservice by pretending something you don't really feel but also yourself one by denying yourself what you really want and making a decision motivated by a desire to avoid a negative consequence rather than being motivated by what makes you happy.

I would place trust in the fact that my wife/girlfriend, whatever, is secure enough in our relationship to be fine with the truth, rather than supressing my own desires just to placate her. She would understand that she is, in fact, not the only thing that exists in universe for me and that I have healthy interests in things that may or may not concern her.

Of course, if for some reason, I seem to ALWAYS prefer to play games over spending time with my "loved one", I would probably have to re-evaluate it's importance to me. Thankfully, I don't actually have that problem. Again, I applogize to Minnesota01R6 for focusing on his particular example, I do not mean to sound critical or to single you out. It simply happened to be a good example to use.

In your situation, I would not regret having told the object of your affection how you felt about her, but rather having done it while you were drunk. Most people take drunken statements with a dose of skepticism and question the speaker's sincerity. In fact, I would say drunk is about the worst way to do it, short of stalking her with little notes left at her home while she is gone. I would suggest that you try to find an opportunity to tell her the truth while not under the influence. Be as truthful and genuine with her as you prefer for her to be with you.

Keep in mind that if she is on the fence about her feelings, then you have an excellent chance to sway her either way by how successful (or unsuccessful) you are with your woo'ing.

Well, sorry for the long discourse. As for whether or not she feels the same about you --why wouldn't you want to know unless you were afraid to know the truth?


M

 

[xcsti]

Thanks for the responses guys and gals.

I guess I'm too much of an introvert but I gotta face up.

Theolosia, I understand your point but I think it applies only to dire situations.

As for whether or not she feels the same about you --why wouldn't you want to know unless you were afraid to know the truth?

Uhh, I would say that I'm real afraid of failure (in all situations) and I find myself not trying at all because of that fear, but its not a good way to live. I think I'm gonna go on a walk with her tomorrow (today is her b-day and the weather sucks). If I don't lose my balls it should be resolved.

As for honesty in a relationship, I would say it is good in most cases. I once told my fiancee I didn't want to do anything with her on a certain day because I wanted to play GT4. NOT A GOOD IDEA. If I had it to do over again I would tell her I was donating a kidney.

Thankfully I don't have a TV to play mine on so it won't be an issue for a while.

Again thanks to all for the mature appropriate responses, this is why I love GTP.

 

[Minnesota01R6]

///M-Spec - I'm not offended. I feel the fact that I bluntly stated "I want to play a videogame" when my fiancee asked me if I wanted to go out with her shows just how comfortable I am with being honest. I discovered a sore spot that she has from being mistreated in past relationships, and we now have a stronger relationship because of it.

xcsti - In the immortal words of Jim Carey from "Cable Guy" - "He who hesitates, Mast*******."

 

[PS]

Erm...Question-

What if you're already friends with her but 90% sure she doesn't like you?

Should I be honest and then have everything be weird around each other for the next 6 months and eventually stop being friends (speaking from experience), or just..."woo" her for the next little while.

And I know how much my female counterparts don't like when they get some guy saying "oh blah blah blah you're so pretty and I like you so much, wanna go out?" etc. It drives them nuts- I can think of like 4 girls off the top of my head who have had this happen to them +5 times and they absolutely hate it.

Stuck.

 

[xcsti]

What if you're already friends with her but 90% sure she doesn't like you?

That is a real hard question and my best way to answer it is with another question.

Would you like to try and take the friend angle only to watch her get woo'd (The sixth grader in me is going "Wood, she's gonna get Wood!!!") by other guys? I personally would not. Eventually you would get uncomfortable with the situation and that defeats the purpose of keeping clammed up for the sake of the friendship. I would say it is best to give it a shot a fail if necesary (remember, just because I say that doesn't mean that I would be able to do it myself). If you feel that you can take it and that the friendship is that meaningful then holding you tongue may be best. If you really like the girl someone will eventually notice it, it is innevitable and again that could add to the confusion.

"He who hesitates, Mast*******."

Very blunt but true. She and I agreed to talk tomorrow.

 

[Mecal]

i dunno whats going on, but to the original question about knowing whether or not:

depends on your school/work environment - imo.
If you are in a large public school, it wont matter if someone finds out and whatnot,
but if you are in a small private school, telling someone you like them and such, the word is going to get around quickly, and quite possibly, spoil your chances of getting another girl.

I think that because then if you like someone else its almost like you are trying to hard to get a girl, even if you really like them.
So say you like girl #1 and they reject, then you like girl#2 and they reject.
Well, its possible you will be labled as someone who tries too hard, and everyone will know that, because word gets around quickly, especially at a small school. In a large public school, no one would really care, and not like they would know most of the people there anyways.

why do i say this? I go to a small school, and have thought about telling 2 people before, but then realized the possibilties if certain people knew. Ya know, the gossipers, and the rumer'ers. *sigh*

anyways, yeah, depends on your environment i'd say. Cant go around asking everyone of the opposite sex whether they like you or not. In such a small well known area, it only takes 1 time to get a label. And if/when you do get one, you become the odd one out - and once people think of you a certain way, its difficult to get them to think otherwise.

p.s. no, it has not happend to me (as far as asking a girl in a small environment)
but ive seen it happen to other kids before, they do 1 thing and thats it for them.

 

[PS]

That is a real hard question and my best way to answer it is with another question.

Would you like to try and take the friend angle only to watch her get woo'd (The sixth grader in me is going "Wood, she's gonna get Wood!!!") by other guys? I personally would not. Eventually you would get uncomfortable with the situation and that defeats the purpose of keeping clammed up for the sake of the friendship. I would say it is best to give it a shot a fail if necesary (remember, just because I say that doesn't mean that I would be able to do it myself). If you feel that you can take it and that the friendship is that meaningful then holding you tongue may be best. If you really like the girl someone will eventually notice it, it is innevitable and again that could add to the confusion.

Ahh, this sucks man. I do like her, but if I even ask her I know she'll be peaved. Unless she accepts and does agree to go to a movie or something (not as just a friend), then our friendship will be instantly vaporized and plagued with weirdness until the end of time. At which point I will have destroyed any and all chances of ever....being...with her again. God, it's like you always want them to know, but you don't, y'know?

 

[xcsti]

God, it's like you always want them to know, but you don't, y'know?

Yeah I know exactly. I guess the weirdness differs from situation to situation, so it is possible for it not to occur. (The girl I am after acts no differently now that she knows, though I am now more nervous) If I were you I would wonder if she new that you thought that way of her from the beginning.

 

[///M-Spec]

So how'd the talk go?


M

 

[Chris Criswell]

If you're going after a girl you like, just ask her what she likes to do and ask to hang out. If she says No, then look around for another girl. And yeah I do understand, trust me, there are PLENTYYYYYY of girls out there; even if you really like this particular one. Just make your shyness go away and be straight up with the woman.

 

[xcsti]

So how'd the talk go?

Ehh, it was ok. We cleared up on a few things, but the end result was that she had no idea where she wanted to go with it. I have a feeling we'll end up friends which won't be the worst that can happen.

 

[PS]

If you're going after a girl you like, just ask her what she likes to do and ask to hang out. If she says No, then look around for another girl. And yeah I do understand, trust me, there are PLENTYYYYYY of girls out there; even if you really like this particular one. Just make your shyness go away and be straight up with the woman.

Um, she's not just some random girl that I like you know. I've been friends with her for a few years now and if I told her I liked her out of the blue then it would **** everything up until the end of time.