I have a joke.
Math one-liner -
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
and
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
eat drink and recycle nortel stock enron stock joke
Investor Advice: If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original
$1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
On the other hand, if you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser
(the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the
cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
Low Bridge Joke - Out of Gas
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up
for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick Walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When! dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only
time
I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar!
of Dial
soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this
because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you
to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Here is the joke in MkrtMkr1986's signature -
Stock market report
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker. It is currently only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares," said the client.
"Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
The crooked stock broker was on trial for cheating thousands of people out of their savings with an elaborate stock fraud scheme. The District Attorney asked him how many people he had cheated, and the defendant replied, "None."
Surprised at the answer, the DA said, "Do you know the penalty for perjury sir?"
"As a matter of fact, yes I do. And it's far more amicable than the ones I'm currently facing," said the broker smiling.
LOLOLOLOLOL. That is so great
