Good words from many people so far. I do have to say that spanking or slapping is totally pointless, though in some cases there is nothing else to try. Even as a last resort it rarely works. My elder daughter (12) considered it the cost of doing business sometimes: "I want to do something that's not allowed; they've caught me and yelled at me before, so I'll get spanked this time - yeah, it's worth it." I don't think I've ever had to spank my younger daughter (8), though I've grabbed her hard to stop her from kicking or I've hauled her unceremoniously down the corridor if she refused to move.
We've tried very hard to parent consistently, but the two girls are just different people. The elder is sly, a manipulator who learns how to play the system, and who is fundamentally greedy. She does not instinctively consider other people at all, though she is learning to do so by conscious effort. Not to say she is evil, or even mean, just very self-centered. She is more of a loner. The younger is much more generous and agreeable, much more on-the surface and sensitive. Rather than bide her time and operate in secrecy, she will simply dig in and fight here and now. She prefers company and really doesn't like being alone.
We are not excessively social people - probably less so than many - and we try to have consistent values and parenting styles, which we do for the most part. Yet the two girls have developed in different ways, and developed their recognizable personalities from a young age: 2 or 3 years old, even.
We've strongly encouraged them to think for themselves and to question what they are told. Unfortunately, they've mostly applied that to us, but hey, it's practice for them. We try our best to explain our actions - heck, we try to explain everything we can, as a matter of course - not in the nature of a lesson but to get them exposed to critical thinking and to understand that there are patterns they can figure out. We've also encouraged them to investigate and shown them that learning is FUN and intersting in itself.
The best thing we've done to meet this goal is to read - not just with them, but in front of them, for our own pleasure. Thus they've learned that reading is not a chore but a reward in itself. Both of them were reading on their own before they went to kindergarten, the elder at a 2nd or 3rd grade level. She is a voracious reader, and wasn't daunted by 300 or 400 page books even in elementary school. She's read the Harry Potter books pretty much as soon as they've come out, so she started the series when she was 6 or 7.
D'oh! I just realized how much that sounds like I'm bragging. I guess I am. I'll try not to let it happen again.
The point is that if you teach them that understanding is FUN, and that understanding leads to power and ability, then they learn to
question and not just
rebel. They learn to think for themselves. A big part of that goes back to being consistent, rational, and understandable in our personal and parenting behaviour so that they can realize that there
is a set of understandable, predictable rules that show them right from wrong.
They're both half way to black belt in Tang Soo Do, as well, so they're not just eggheads. This was at their own request, not our pushing them to succeed. They requested the lessons, and they've motivated themselves to pursue it.
Wups, I'm bragging again...
Sorry, but that gave me a picture of how harsh life can be sometimes, found it quite humorous.
I never understood the instinct of parents to not only take great pride in their children but to almost live vicariously through their achievements, no matter how small.... until I became one.
