- 19,655
- Alabamamania
In the course of business, decreases in the value of our local currency due to inflation naturally occur. The consumer thus proposes some nominal reverse surcharges, which may be necessary since banks have determined that our savings are worth a paltry fraction of a percentage in interest accrual. With our best interests in mind to support the economy, we suggest these positive impact fees against our purchases, to further protect our fiduciary responsibilities and support the goodwill of local, national, and international businesses. Please be advised that we may amend any or all of these reverse charges (in essence, a fancy way of suggesting a "discount") if some of these fees do not apply. Or, we could simply blindly affix them for the sake of making a profit, or arbitrarily increase them, so we can spread out our business and leisure interests in the future.
ICK Internet Fee
Due to the wealth of product knowledge available on the Internet, it takes time to discover what items we need or desire attainment towards. Since the internet is not a public service, I request that a fraction of my broadband bill be charged towards the company. This includes (but not limited to) Internet charges, Computer costs and maintenance, Knowledge attainment in billable hours, and other back-up costs. Benefits of this fee may include positive reinforcement for the company so we may increase your overall value of a brand on the internet though social media, product forums, or personal webpages.
TS Transportation Surcharges
If a product cannot delivered to our domicile or business in a timely manner, it may be necessary to personally acquire the item through the means of local, intrastate, or even interstate transportation. We charge this to offset the associated costs of fuel, insurance, mandatory licensing, vehicle maintenance, and vehicle depreciation will be passed onto the end supplier. Additional discounts may apply if we have to borrow a friend’s truck.
BO Bathing and Appearance Fee
Since your business depends on the manner and appearance of your clientele, a small portion of my water bill, grooming supplies, and associated costs of laundry will be applied. After all, an unclean and disheveled buyer makes for a bad reputation. Please be warned that appearance and fashion standards may vary as per your training manual.
MY Storage and Housing
In order to store and present the item(s) we will be acquiring, it will be necessary to keep said goods and services in a climate-controlled domicile, including security costs, electrical supply costs, and cleaning and furnishing costs. Without these fees, there is no way to show the value of your goods and company image without a neat, clean, safe, and (importantly) impressive domicile to house these goods. A portion of mortgage or rent (whichever is greater), utility costs, and upkeep fees will be applied against the upcoming purchase.
RAH Change of Sports Venue
Since local sports teams are a source of local pride and their owners have excelled in raising public money towards a pet project, it may be necessary to charge a nominal fee so that we may be able to afford the rights to visit these ever-changing stadia and arenas during events. Fees may include seat charges, the impact of parking fees, toll charge(s), and acquisition of over-zealously priced foodstuffs.
ADHD Advertising Hard Drive usage
We could never forget remember to buy your product without putting up with a non-stop barrage of your incessant noise-making and attention grabbing during pivotal moments in our collective lives. This takes away our ability to enjoy many things because you have mounted yourself in places before we are allowed to take hold of situations. The demands of annoying jingles, billboards, commercials, pop-up ads, and stupid tag lines take up at least 10% of our brain’s memory capacity, and thus it is time we charged the suppliers of this. After all, we could probably use that ten percent of our brain back if we’re going to improve as a society. Since studies show that you never forget anything, we would like to recoup a nominal charge for your inconvenience towards our lives.
PU Paperwork Upkeep fee
In the course of business, we may have to store and retain receipts, and the unfortunate truth is that there is an environmental offset to this. After all, despite the facts that you’ve spent millions on a computer database that knows what types of cheese and quantities thereof I’ve bought over the years, if I don’t have a receipt proving when and where and how much I paid for an undesirable or defective item, you can deny the return at your leisure. To protect the consumer, we ask for a nominal charge to house these potential liabilities.
Closing
Businesses do not like customer churn, which is a fancy way of figuring out they’re occasionally inept or horrible, offer a product or service we do not desire very often, while describing us as some sort of bacteria which is only desirable in exact quantities inside a dairy product. So we’re doing our part to support them and look forward to our immediate short-term futures as well; they have the option to leave as quickly as possible, while the consumer rarely has that option, unless they’re running from the law. Depending on your political leanings, you may disagree with any of these reverse surcharges, but keep in mind that many companies and businesses see your money as green, and could really care less if you’re blue or red or whatever hue you are. Think about these next time you rent a car, ride in a commercial airliner, require a hotel stay, have to pay extra for the right to use a credit card, have an application fee, or some other such non-refundable nonsense. Also, if you’re taking this too seriously, perhaps you personally charge nonsensical fees, and are afraid to raise prices in a competitive environment without resorting to government intervention. Thanks for your time in reading this, and if you took it seriously enough, shove some cash in an envelope and send it to your nearest politician so this can be beaten down into oblivion while keeping the status quo running strong while confusing the consumer with the transparency of a brick wall.
Note: There's a reason I didn't put this in Opinions and Current Events - it would never logically work.
ICK Internet Fee
Due to the wealth of product knowledge available on the Internet, it takes time to discover what items we need or desire attainment towards. Since the internet is not a public service, I request that a fraction of my broadband bill be charged towards the company. This includes (but not limited to) Internet charges, Computer costs and maintenance, Knowledge attainment in billable hours, and other back-up costs. Benefits of this fee may include positive reinforcement for the company so we may increase your overall value of a brand on the internet though social media, product forums, or personal webpages.
TS Transportation Surcharges
If a product cannot delivered to our domicile or business in a timely manner, it may be necessary to personally acquire the item through the means of local, intrastate, or even interstate transportation. We charge this to offset the associated costs of fuel, insurance, mandatory licensing, vehicle maintenance, and vehicle depreciation will be passed onto the end supplier. Additional discounts may apply if we have to borrow a friend’s truck.
BO Bathing and Appearance Fee
Since your business depends on the manner and appearance of your clientele, a small portion of my water bill, grooming supplies, and associated costs of laundry will be applied. After all, an unclean and disheveled buyer makes for a bad reputation. Please be warned that appearance and fashion standards may vary as per your training manual.
MY Storage and Housing
In order to store and present the item(s) we will be acquiring, it will be necessary to keep said goods and services in a climate-controlled domicile, including security costs, electrical supply costs, and cleaning and furnishing costs. Without these fees, there is no way to show the value of your goods and company image without a neat, clean, safe, and (importantly) impressive domicile to house these goods. A portion of mortgage or rent (whichever is greater), utility costs, and upkeep fees will be applied against the upcoming purchase.
RAH Change of Sports Venue
Since local sports teams are a source of local pride and their owners have excelled in raising public money towards a pet project, it may be necessary to charge a nominal fee so that we may be able to afford the rights to visit these ever-changing stadia and arenas during events. Fees may include seat charges, the impact of parking fees, toll charge(s), and acquisition of over-zealously priced foodstuffs.
ADHD Advertising Hard Drive usage
We could never forget remember to buy your product without putting up with a non-stop barrage of your incessant noise-making and attention grabbing during pivotal moments in our collective lives. This takes away our ability to enjoy many things because you have mounted yourself in places before we are allowed to take hold of situations. The demands of annoying jingles, billboards, commercials, pop-up ads, and stupid tag lines take up at least 10% of our brain’s memory capacity, and thus it is time we charged the suppliers of this. After all, we could probably use that ten percent of our brain back if we’re going to improve as a society. Since studies show that you never forget anything, we would like to recoup a nominal charge for your inconvenience towards our lives.
PU Paperwork Upkeep fee
In the course of business, we may have to store and retain receipts, and the unfortunate truth is that there is an environmental offset to this. After all, despite the facts that you’ve spent millions on a computer database that knows what types of cheese and quantities thereof I’ve bought over the years, if I don’t have a receipt proving when and where and how much I paid for an undesirable or defective item, you can deny the return at your leisure. To protect the consumer, we ask for a nominal charge to house these potential liabilities.
Closing
Businesses do not like customer churn, which is a fancy way of figuring out they’re occasionally inept or horrible, offer a product or service we do not desire very often, while describing us as some sort of bacteria which is only desirable in exact quantities inside a dairy product. So we’re doing our part to support them and look forward to our immediate short-term futures as well; they have the option to leave as quickly as possible, while the consumer rarely has that option, unless they’re running from the law. Depending on your political leanings, you may disagree with any of these reverse surcharges, but keep in mind that many companies and businesses see your money as green, and could really care less if you’re blue or red or whatever hue you are. Think about these next time you rent a car, ride in a commercial airliner, require a hotel stay, have to pay extra for the right to use a credit card, have an application fee, or some other such non-refundable nonsense. Also, if you’re taking this too seriously, perhaps you personally charge nonsensical fees, and are afraid to raise prices in a competitive environment without resorting to government intervention. Thanks for your time in reading this, and if you took it seriously enough, shove some cash in an envelope and send it to your nearest politician so this can be beaten down into oblivion while keeping the status quo running strong while confusing the consumer with the transparency of a brick wall.
Note: There's a reason I didn't put this in Opinions and Current Events - it would never logically work.
