Reciprocity in Relationships

[Danoff]

Ayn Rand talks about the capitalism of emotions in the book Atlas Shrugged . To illustrate this point she puts one of her main characters under siege by his family. His family gives him a hard time because he is not like them. They use him for his power and wealth and chastise him for his lack of consideration of their feelings. His family openly supports much of the things he despises most, and they belittle his success as an inventing scientist and engineer… it gets worse but the point is that they use the fact that he is related (and married) to them to leech off of him and attack him personally simultaneously. They do this without fear that there will be repercussions because, after all, they’re family.

The proposed solution to this problem is reciprocity. Essentially, one should expect nothing without having something to offer (capitalism).

Does this work? Do you owe it to your family to love them and put up with them just because you’re family? Should you expect something from them if they want your emotional support and consideration of their feelings?

Also, feel free to correct me if I am missed the point of the book.

 

[Duke]

No, I don't believe you missed that point in the book. And yes, for the most part I agree with it/you.

I have 3 older sisters. I relate to them in the degree that they relate to us and the rest of the family. Their financial resources vary, bit that is not the salient factor in the discussion. I respect them and return the love they offer in proportion to their emotional investment. It so happens that the most "financially challenged" sister also contributes the least on a personal level, where as the #1 and #2 financially-set sisters are reversed in terms of how much personal investment they make in our larger family.

I feel some extra care and concern is warranted for family members. But would I continue to offer emotional and/or financial support to family who refused to respect me? Not at all. The mere accident of blood realtion does not entitle anyone to lecch from me in any way.

Within my personal portion of the combined larger families, I have to say that we operate on similar principles. Of course, we wouldn't have gotten married originally if we didn't, but that little detail seems to escape a lot of people.

 

[Danoff]

Part of the reason that I bring this up is that my parents and my wife’s parents are uneven with their children. In both cases, one or more children are having more trouble getting through life (in different ways) than the others. In both cases the parents have a tendency to want to favor the child that is having the most difficulty. They are the most generous with their emotional support, money, social lenience and so on with the children having the most difficulty. Oh, and when I say children, I’m still talking about people who are out of college.

Does it help, all this extra support? Not a bit. It only encourages more bad behavior. In financial terms it’s easy to see, why maintain a good job when you can run to the parents. In terms of social and emotional support, it’s more of a justification role: “You weren’t at fault, it’s everyone else who is causing the problem.”

In both cases it encourages the same kind of behavior that is getting these people (the children) into problems in the first place. In both cases the “children” talk to their parents on a regular basis and so don’t get the rude awakening and harsh criticism that they might get in the real world. It’s hurting their progress as adults.

I think it’s interesting because in both cases, the parents are strict capitalists. They love the capitalist system and understand it fully (except where it applies beyond money). I find it fascinating because these fiscal conservatives are socialist in their practice of family politics - Tear down the successful one to eliminate jealousy, help the unsuccessful one as much as possible to get everyone on the same level.

The result is the same no matter what the medium. There is a such thing as tough love.

I’m kinda wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or thinks I’m interpreting the situation incorrectly.

 

[westside]

Danoff, I've had a similar experience. My little brother, who is still in college, gets a ton of emotional support from my parents -- basically, he has no friends because he has no social skills, and my parents reinforce his arrogance and tell him he's doing nothing wrong and he's great and other people are awful and are alienating him for no reason and on and on...they make him a victim. They haven't given any "victim" support to me whenever I've had problems -- probably because I didn't have trouble making friends, so I didn' t need their support. It's completely socialist. To each kid according to his needs. It has definitely distanced me from my brother and my parents.