The Sixth Element (short story, please read and help me out)

[my.car.is.cool!]

I am brand new to writing and stuff, so yeah.. help me out please, I need helpful criticism! Experienced people please read and rate!

Dedicated to my lifelong passion – cars

Next pages are in next posts

 

[my.car.is.cool!]

Prologue

Hello, my name is Ron, and today I will tell you about my late father. Robert Glimwich was born May 5th 1955 in the city of Padua, in Italy. He went to school until he was 16, and worked a few years in his father’s restaurant as a cook. With a lifelong dream of being an economist for the government of Italy, he enrolled and graduated from Padua University with a PhD in Economic Studies in 1980 when he was 25. My father was able to find a job as a marketing director, but was quickly fired due to his lack of expertise. Within 5 months, he had applied to the position of Treasurer of the city of Ottawa, and he was swiftly accepted. Generously, the City Of Ottawa paid for all his travelling expenses, and he was soon a happy immigrant living in Ottawa’s Little-Italy neighbourhood. What he didn’t know was that his neighbour, his future wife, was lusting for him. My future mother approached him and started a conversation, and this soon turned into dating, and then into a relationship. Within 5 years he had garnered a reputation so high that many citizens encouraged him for the position of mayor of Ottawa! Sadly, my father refused to apply for that position, but it might have been worse for me, since if he had applied for mayor, my mom would have never had me! Anyways, he married Jacqueline Ethier, my mom, in November 28 1989. He also went on to establish a small-scale business out of selling auto-parts and continued working as a treasurer until October 18 1992, when he was fired due to a big reform in the City Of Ottawa’s policies. He kept the small business until I was born, in July 28 1994. In 2005 my family moved to a brand new neighbourhood in the outskirts of the City of Ottawa. In Christmas 2010, my father bought an apartment in downtown Toronto because he had gotten a new job in an auto parts company, but me and my mother still lived in Kanata. My father came visit us every so often with his Mercedes C63 AMG that he was able to buy with the larger pay he got from working in a high position in such a big company.

Chapter 1

It was 8:00 PM, a warm Sunday 5th of August 2012. My mom was weeping. Little did I know, she was aware of dad’s tragic death. My mother couldn’t bear the pain. She took the keys to the Nissan Primera, and she drove off to a hotel. I attempted calling her cellphone 5 times, and when she finally picked up she told me she wasn’t feeling well and needed to get away from all the commotion. My mother told me to go to dad’s house in Toronto, as there was something in there for me. I grabbed the keys to the C63 AMG, got inside and started it up with the race-styled “start” button, I shifted it in “R” and backed it up; shifted to “D”, and drove off with all 450 horsepower screaming behind my back! Arriving at the streetlight near the hotel, I hear my cellphone ring. it was my old friend Ahmad Haziq.
- Ahmad: Hey! How’s it going Ron?
- Ron: Life as usual, a piece of horse****…
- Ahmad: What do you mean man?
- Ron: I’ll tell you later, dawg, I need to go pick up something at my dad’s house!
- Ahmad: Bye man.
*I hang up…*
I took the highway down to Toronto, but it was a 5 hour trip, and I had to fill up twice. There goes 170 dollars for gas! Finally I got there, I reached 56 Peary road, I got out and went to the door. I paused and then I finally opened it. It was so stale, stale with memories of earlier times. I had to get out of there quick, it was too much. I rushed in to find a letter signed by my father and my mother. I took it with me, unable to open it as I couldn’t bear to know what was inside. I locked the door and went inside the car, I opened the letter with a knife I had in the glove box. I opened it and it was incredible...

Chapter 2

There it was: the most influential piece of paper I’ve ever held in my own hands. The Last Will and Testament of my father, the one dedicated to me. I took out the paper from the envelope, it read: “To my only son, and the only person I truly devoted myself for, this is my gift to you, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it myself: On top of the kitchen table you will find a box with a digital lock, the combination is “45169”. I hope you enjoy your new MP4-12C. There are directions to the garage inside the box. I love you, son.” I put back the paper in the envelope and hurried out of the car going straight inside the house to look for the box my dad left me. As I looked for it I also found a bag on the kitchen counter. There was another box in there, so I used the knife to crack it open, and to my surprise found a note to my mother in there so I put it in my pocket and rushed for the box with the keys inside, I entered the digital combo and there it was, the key fob to a $230,000 McLaren supercar, I started walking towards the door. “I didn’t even know my family was this rich” I thought to myself as I walked towards the C63 AMG, “The most expensive thing we’ve ever had was a $400,000 dollar house in Kanata. How could my dad have bought this?” I opened the Mercedes’ door and got inside, turned it on and started driving toward the garage, as I was driving down the open road towards Mississauga I thought to myself “I remember having read that the MP4 has some serious reliability problems. Oh god, what if I cannot afford to maintain this? NO! I must keep this in great shape! This is my dad we’re talking about, my dad has become this car. It’s more than just a car, it’s my dad. Would I let my dad break down? Get sick? NO! I will do everything possible to make him healthy, same with my new car! It’s a promise dad, I know you’re there, you might be able to hear me or not, but our car will hold your spirit.” I didn’t notice I had been losing my mind until now. Was this car trying to speak to me? I haven’t even seen it in person. After 30 minutes of country driving, I spot a tall building with a small circular entrance for vehicles. I believe this might be it!

To be continued...
Chapter 3
WORK IN PROGRESS!
 

 

[Pyle_PMG]

Jesus! Quintuple post? For crying out loud use the edit button! The story is excellent, but waaaaay too many posts.

 

[uMadson?]

^ C'mon, lots of stuff have been through his head so please don't restrict his creativity. With a please.

Besides, maybe an index in the OP is also part of his plans lul.

 

[my.car.is.cool!]

Jesus! Quintuple post? For crying out loud use the edit button! The story is excellent, but waaaaay too many posts.

It was to separate the chapters, dude.
Way too many posts? LET'S SEE YOUR STORY THEN!

 

[ImaRobot]

It was to separate the chapters, dude.
Way too many posts? LET'S SEE YOUR STORY THEN!

Its just that multiple posts are frowned upon, that being said its not hard to separate chapters within a single post. That is, unless someone doesn't know how to read.

I havnt read the story yet but i will give it a look tonight I'm no expert though.

 

[Jump_Ace]

Holy Schnikez!

Paragraphs are your best friend. And in the prologue instead of saying lusted, try drawn to.

Please don't double/quadruple post. Just edit your original post with the new content 👍

Jerome

 

[my.car.is.cool!]

Holy Schnikez!

Paragraphs are your best friend. And in the prologue instead of saying lusted, try drawn to.

Please don't double/quadruple post. Just edit your original post with the new content 👍

Jerome

Thank you sir, anything else? Maybe help out with the storyline? Just saying...

 

[my.car.is.cool!]

BUMP! Can anyone please! please! Provide feedback on my story!