-McClarenDesign's-
Very Serious SLS AMG Review of the Car of the Week N Stuff
"The Benetton Active Moose and I've got it! It's jumped on my back!" -Kenny Handkammer
Week 23: 1998 Mini Cooper 1.3i
If there's one piece of advice that I can offer young people today, it's to find something you're good at, and do it mediocre.
Don't stand out, blend in. If you're about to rise, bring others up with you so you'll be less noticeable. If you plan on pursuing a career in the field you love, you had better learn to keep it quiet. If you become a rising star, you'll be expected to continue to rise, until the expectations reach a level that cannot be attained. When you're the best, there's only one place left to go... down.
Recently I was approached about my profession at a dinner party. Some bloke that I could care less about was prattling on about the efficiencies of his new Fisker Karma, and how that car represented the wave of the future. Then some
(expletive) informed the gentleman that I review cars, and that I was far more qualified to express an opinion about the automotive future. Curious about his investment, the aforementioned well-to-do man asked me what I've spent years avoiding.
"So, what do you think about my
(insert ridiculous automobile here)?"
Well, I think you're an idiot for asking, an idiot about cars, and I remain confident that whatever I have to say won't make a bit of difference. Of course I can't actually say such things, either at my present environment nor in print, because then people will get offended. Instead, they'd much rather hear you wow them with tales of reliability, exclusivity, or spout out some performance statistics. Then there's the fact that the money is already spent on said automobile, and I can't think of anyone that enjoys hearing that their investment has gone south.
"The Fisker? It's nice, I suppose."
After most of the guests had left, our producer pulled me aside and presented me with an Academy Award for my performance. He had become bored with the conversation and the company, and it was he that ratted me out, expecting a more lively confrontation. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I'm no one's monkey. I'm not going to simply step into a loaded trap merely for someone's entertainment, employer or no.
Combined with "what's the best car for me?", it's a death trap that leads to the direct center of Dante's Inferno. To put it into context, it'd be like asking a figure skating judge who her favorite was just before the skater's performance. If the judge answers honestly, you know the competition has been rigged. Answering either question would then lead to accusations of being "bought" by manufacturers, and any work produced... ever... would be instantly dismissed as biased rubbish. Besides, the correct answer is so simple, it proves that whomever asked the question is a complete idiot!
It depends.
Along with my Academy Award, I was also presented with an envelope, and the instructions to have my luggage and passport ready by morning. At precisely 5:40a, I'd be leaving to take delivery of this week's car. As with every week, I've been assured that "it's the best." Well, we'll see about that
According to Polyphony Digital via Translator-san:
Translator-san
Now considered a timeless classic, the original Mini, which appeared in 1959, was the quintessential compact hatchback, blending utility, style and sportiness into one body body. Sir Alec Issigonis incorporated an ingenious package with his creation as the engine and gearbox were placed sideways, one atop the other, under the hood. Things were even more simplified by the fact that the Mini was front-wheel drive, not requiring a need for a driveshaft and the extra weight associated with it.
The Mini's secret to its success was that it was constantly updated. One of the last special models was the Cooper, whose name comes from John Cooper, a Formula 1 race driver. The reason it bore his name was that Cooper asked Issigonis to create a sporty version of the car, and he complied.
The engine was a 1,271-cc ohv inline-4 that when mated to a 4-speed automatic gearbox produced 52 HP and when combined with a 4-speed manual, produced 61 HP. The sport-tuned suspension made the car fun to toss around on winding roads, and it made for an affordable-yet-thrilling race car.
The Cooper was visually distinctive by its fog lamps and a white stripe down the middle of its body. The Cooper soon became an icon among Mini fans everywhere, and defined the phrase "sporting fun in a small affordable package."
I'm not entirely sure who's infinitely brilliant idea it was to come to London just before the Olympics, but I'm quite certain that the level of lunacy is only rivaled by trying to understand the
rules of cricket. Usually we'd hop on over to the office, pick up the car, turn some laps while mocking the test driver, take some pictures and go home. Instead, this week we're treated to security checkpoints, lines, and millions of people all around us that don't understand English.
But aren't we... you know what, nevermind. I'm an American, I should be used to it.
At the car park, we're greeted by the British Bulldog herself, bathed in a beautiful shade of Flame red. With the exception of the Bond cars, few represent Britain so well. Tiny, cheeky, and as its competition history proves, the embodiment of the work "plucky". Despite its diminutive size, this car is most definitely a David among Goliaths. And no car is so instantly recognizable and beloved as the Mini. Well, except the Volkswagen Beetle... and the Fiat 500...
Since Mini is now owned by the Germans, we reached out for our usual factory support and assistance, and were promptly told
sich verpissen. Failing that, we phoned a
local restoration shop, and within two hours were greeted by one of their mechanics, Nigel. Nigel brought along his
CV, which included an extensive stint with the former Mini factory. For nearly two decades, Nigel has been tinkering with old Minis brought into his shop, even prepping some for competition throughout Europe.
...wait... something went right?
As Nigel was performing system checks and measurements, our little Mini caught the eye of a pair of local hooligans, who came over and chatted us up about the car. Both seemed to be overly excited, nearly screaming as they pointed out the "sick details" and the "mega" wheels. To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea what they were on about, as the effects of jet lag had begun taking their toll. Unless this was wrapped up shortly, I was finished.
Rather than do something sensible like plan ahead, our producer instead hired one of the young men as our test driver. Fry was his name, and he assured us that he was "hella stoked" to be piloting our car at something called "ludicrous speed". Meanwhile his companion ,named Laurie, gave me some pills that he assured me would cure the effects of traveling and give me some much needed energy. Then both he and Fry attempted to prove their manliness by lifting the Mini while Nigel was working on it.
Miraculously they did it, although for some odd reason their pupils seemed quite dilated when they were finished. Where they on somethi... oh dear god...
On the left: Fry, on the right: Laurie- London not calling either anytime soon. Image Source.
Performance as Purchased: November 28, 2010, Flame Red (
Red)
Displacement: 1,271 cc
Max. Power:
59 hp @ 6,000 rpm
Max. Torque:
67 ft-lbs. @ 4,000 rpm
Drivetrain: FF
Length: 3,050 mm Height: 1,350 mm Weight: 720 kg
Tires: Comfort (Medium)
Performance Points:
315
Mileage: 0.0 mi.
With our mechanic and our car firmly back on terra firma, we could begin installing our telemetry equipment and start our baseline tests. Instead of panicking about whatever substance I'd just ingested, I made myself useful by planting the sensors and equipment further up the track. After what I had assumed were seconds, I found myself in a brisk jog back to the pits for absolutely no reason. Rather than risk a heart attack, I forced myself to calm down to a leisurely stroll, heart pounding in my ears.
When I got back,
Fry and Laurie were talking strategy at nearly the speed of light. Much like the
pitchman for a tiny toy car company, it seemed as if the two never took a breath nor used punctuation. Nigel gave me the MOT approvals, along with
3 more horsepower,
3 extra torques, and a whopping
6 Performance Points. According to the MOT, finding those Performance Points was a lot like finding
Wally in Santa's candy cane factory.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: Max. Power: 62 hp, Max. Torque: 70 ft-lb., Max. Performance Points: 321 PP
With a fresh french fried Fry...
am I allowed to say that? With the driver buckled in we brought our very own Micro Machine to the starting line. After several false starts, we managed to record the only necessary "clean" run down the track. After the Olympics were over, our Mini returned to us without a scratch, although the driver appeared to be in worse shape. Glancing at the data, the junkie managed a 0-60 time of
0:15.288, and a quarter-mile time of
0:20.617. Apparently the driver had more speed than the actual car.
Perhaps I should see the medics.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: 0-1 mi.: 0:51.968, 0-100 mph: August 12, 2012, Max. G-Force: 0.33G, Top Speed: 106.7 mph
In 1966, the top 3 Minis were excluded from winning the prestigious Monte Carlo Rally due to their headlamps. Incensed by the disqualification, one British official declared 1966 the end of the rally, however they returned the next year and proceeded to win again, this time passing technical inspection. The simple formula of a small, light car mixed with front-wheel drive proved dominant in the hands of professionals like Timo Mäkinen, while the competition was left fighting over the scraps.
So it'd only make sense, then, to take the car back to Monte Carlo, and compare and contrast the car and city. Perhaps we could even throw on some studded tires, and climb the Alps in the opening stages, before sipping cocktails on our yacht in Monaco. After all, if there's anything women love more than yachts, it's this car.
Instead, we've been trapped within the city of London, unable to transport our car outside of the United Kingdom for at least a few days. With the Olympics in town, security has been extra tight, and tight security means delays. And because they are about to begin, the typical London traffic nightmare has become an
Armageddon. Despite the adversity, our producer worked up a plan with our hooligan friends, which would begin precisely at midnight.
Traffic through the streets of London has never been pleasant, nor has it been light. Short of having a residence within a palace, getting anywhere requires that you be in absolutely no hurry. If you must be at a given place at a given time, your journey had best start out days in advance. That's assuming you don't get lost,
and can afford the congestion charges. Then there are cyclists, buses, lorries, pedestrians, animals, children, policemen, and more lorries to dodge along your commute. Not to mention the fact that your car likely won't fit down any of the streets, and when it does you'll be going the wrong way.
To circumvent all of this, we plotted a simple circuit through the city streets that should be tight enough to push the car's handling limits. Our hooligan heroes would monitor local police traffic on the radios, and our crew had cleverly marked our path with some fluorescent gaffer tape that could easily be seen. Our crew had also worked up a few deterrents along a perimeter for local law enforcement arriving to disturb our festivities.
Inside the car everything was silent, in anticipation of the signal to begin. Moments later, I was given the all clear and began my run. Although our impromptu circuit wasn't very long, it certainly was tight and confining. How anyone could consider
Formula 1 on these streets is beyond me, as I was doing my best just to keep from sliding into a building. Lap after lap ticked by, and with each lap my confidence grew. I don't know if it was my confidence, the drugs still in my system, or a combination of the two, but I turned into a petrol-fueled Mr. Hyde, recording a
1:13.667 over the 1.194 mile track. The sound of approaching sirens and screams of "
ABORT" on the radio finally broke my trance, allowing me to take stock of my situation.
Where on earth did my mirrors go? Too late, can't stop now!
So now the obvious question is "what do you think of this car?" Well, as I've stated before, I think you're an idiot for asking. Upon driving the car I've found that it's everything everyone said it is. It's fun, cheeky, economical, stylish, plucky, and a giant killer. On paper and in the flesh, this is a car that delivers exactly what is on the label, no more, no less.
This car stands in direct contrast to your Fisker Karma. Instead of relying on marketing and something called a
Bieber, the Mini Cooper is instantly loved around the world simply because it's cute. The Mini is quite frugal on gas compared to the Fisker, which eventually burns coal, and if you believe coal is clean then you're qualified to run for Vice President with
another idiot. And let's not forget that the Mini doesn't have a mustache for a grill, unlike the hideous Karma.
Is the Mini Cooper the best compact ever? Is the Cooper something I should get? Is it better than XXX?
It depends.
Week 1: 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider 3.0i V6 24V
Week 2: 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider 1600 Duetto
Week 3: 2000 Toyota Sprinter Trueno GT-APEX (S. Shigeno Ver.)
Week 4: 2007 Audi TT Coupe 3.2 Quattro
Week 5: 1983 Nissan Silvia 240RS (S110) and 1985 Nissan 240RS Rally Car
Week 6: 1973 BMW 2002 Turbo
Week 7: 2004 DMC DeLorean S2
Week 8: 1971 Nissan Fairlady 240ZG (HS30) and 1971 Nissan 240ZG (HS30)
Week 9: 1985 Lancia Delta S4 Rally Car
Week 10: 1991 Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II and 1992 AMG Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II Touring Car
Week 11: 1999 Lotus Motor Sport Elise and 1996 Lotus Elise and 1998 Lotus Elise Sport 190
Week 12: 2001 Audi RS4
Week 13: 1968 Isuzu 117 Coupe
Week 14: 1969 Camaro Z28 and 1969 Camaro Z28 RM and 1969 Camaro SS
Week 15: The Shelby Cars
Week 16: 1979 Honda Civic 1500 3door CX
Week 17: 1967 Mercury Cougar XR-7
Week 18: 1967 Prince Skyline 2000GT-B
Week 19: 1967 Toyota 2000GT
Week 20: 2002 Audi S3
Week 21: 2004 Oullim Motors Spirra 4.6 V8
Week 22: 1988 Toyota SUPRA 3.0GT Turbo A and 1990 Toyota SUPRA 2.5GT Twin Turbo R
*The views and opinions expressed in this editorial do not reflect the views and opinions of gtplanet.net, any of its members, nor anyone with an IQ above 3. All views, comments, statements, accusations, claims, data... you know what, just forget you read the whole thing and direct your hate mail/Tame Racing Driver applications, to McClarenDesign@gmail.com. For ticket information, please include a S.A.S.E. NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. The statements made above are similar to your parents; both are fictional. May cause rash or skin irritation. 
This ad paid for by Friends of Global Morals support for presidential candidate Jenkins. 
GTKitty4Prez . Please consult doctor before use. Some assembly required. Wardrobe provided courtesy of Dr. Marten's. McClarenDesign registered very serious SLS AMG. DO NOT ATTEMPT. Consult manual before use. Your mileage may vary. Some restrictions may apply. Parental supervision is advised. Offer valid with approved credit. All trademarks and copyrights used without permission, because this is a parody and an act of free speech. Reviews may contain natural and artificial flavoring. Please rinse after use. This product is not guaranteed to cure baldness or any other medical condition. All stunts performed on public roads without law enforcement supervision. Void where prohibited. All terms and conditions are subject to late fees and penalties. All your base are belong to us. See store for details. If not entirely satisfied, please return unused portion for a partial refund. Sorry, no C.O.D.s accepted. Offer not valid to those that breathe air. Photos shown with optional equipment. May cause drowsiness. Check your local listings for times and dates. Some portions of this show have been filmed before a live studio audience. + us on Google+ N Stuff! McClarenDesign is not an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Ed. Note- R.I.P. TVR (1946 - 2012)
Best wishes and a Godspeed recovery to: Maria De Villota and TurismoM.G!.
I'll see what I can do with the classic British icon.
Anyway, I finished the GT-500 series and went to check the ucd and what do you suppose showed up about mid way down the list? I am now the proud owner of one 1998 Mini Cooper 1.3i with a bit over 78K miles on her and painted a nice looking color known as Volcano Pearl. 👍 Have to wonder what the odds on that showing up are...maybe I should go get a lottery ticket tonight 
