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A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ............... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to ! ! ! talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
.....continued.....
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say Eat me.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Walmart...
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"
My elbow hurts really bad. I guess I'd better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
Sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a Doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
Computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in Warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
....more below.....
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe Began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
Water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and Daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I
belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this."
"Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful.
Now please stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde named Cathy,
with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding."
"I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted.
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Bob died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little ba$tard!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado,
and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the
Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some
courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I
think I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great
and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the
American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just
standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
A minister decided that a visual demonistratioin would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ............... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to ! ! ! talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
.....continued.....
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say Eat me.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Walmart...
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"
My elbow hurts really bad. I guess I'd better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
Sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a Doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
Computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in Warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
....more below.....
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe Began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
Water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and Daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I
belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this."
"Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful.
Now please stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde named Cathy,
with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding."
"I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted.
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Bob died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little ba$tard!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado,
and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the
Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some
courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I
think I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great
and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the
American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just
standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
A minister decided that a visual demonistratioin would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"
