-McClarenDesign's-
Very Serious SLS AMG Review of the Car of the Week N Stuff
"Yes, I understand that stage-coachy must mean taking on the characteristics of a stage-coach, Martin. It's just that I haven't got the faintest idea what on earth you're talking about" -Pat Fry
Week 20: 2002 Audi S3
Since arriving back from Japan, I've started getting my new/old life back together again. You might remember that two months ago, my wife and I were having "communication issues", culminating in both her and our daughter taking an extended vacation... from me. Thankfully, the events of this past two weeks have brought a happy ending to a nearly tragic tale.
Crisis averted.
Now that I no longer need to worry about divorce attorneys, or how we were going to divide up the dog, I can focus on more important things. My daughter will be driving soon, so I've began scouring the classifieds in search of something suitable for my offspring. Key words:
my offspring. To assist, our producer has insisted she try out our Car of the Week, something both sensible and safe.
Because I love my daughter, safety is very important, and I've been assured that this week's car has earned a 25 pt., 4-star NCAP safety rating. Because it's sensible, I shouldn't have to worry about any stoplight shenanigans, but keep in mind she does share my genes... so it has to at least be quick. On paper, this should be something that will bring us closer together.
...
(expletive).
You might remember that precisely two months ago, it was
a similar Audi that nearly tore my family to shreds. Now I'm expected to teach my daughter to drive in the baby version? That's like asking the folks near
Three Mile Island to try a baby reactor! Teaching my daughter to drive might as well be like handling a nuclear reactor- any moment she could have a complete meltdown.
When I arrive at the garage, I find Hans already taking delivery of our Audi. We first met Hans when we tested the
Audi TT in Week 4, and once again Audi has sent their top man to look after us. Fresh off another Le Mans victory, Hans is jubilant as ever. Greeting me with a warm smile, we walk over and begin looking over the car.
Why does this Golf have an Audi logo?
According to Polyphony Digital via Translator-san:
Translator-san
Created as the sporty version of Audi's popular A3 hatchback, the S3 extended the Audi's range of its sporty "S" series to the compact-vehicle class. Because it shared the same platform of the Volkswagen's sporty Golf GTI, the S3's handling character was already ensured when it made its debut in 1993. It was what Audi put under the hood that intrigued many.
Under the hood was a transversely-mounted 1.8-liter DOHC inline-4 which is intercooled and twin turbocharged. The output of this powerplant was daunting, with 221 HP and 206 ft-lb. of torque leaking at a low 2200 rpm. it came mated only to a 6-speed manual gearbox that transferred power to all four tires via Audi's excellent Quattro all-wheel-drive system.
The combination of the engine and chassis was flawless as the S3 ripped through straight sections of road like a hot rod, and cornered like a sports car on the twisty stuff. Ride quality was surprisingly smooth for such a small car. Its main characteristic was its quick reflexes, born from the car's low curb weight of 1420 kg.
Audi designers kept the car's visual enhancements to a minimum, retaining the A3's stately overall appearance, with only subtle hints that it was not your typical A3. but it was when the car was on the road that people really noticed the prowess of Audi's version of the hot hatchback.
Perhaps the nicest thing about being a member of the Volkswagen group is having access to all those wonderful parts. I imagine the factories are like the automotive equivalent of Walmart, you simply pick up what you need, then assemble at home. Okay, it is Audi, so it would be a Walmart with upper class white trash, not your typical filth.
"Honey, would you mind picking up some four-wheel-drive on your way home? We're almost out." Sure, not a problem. "Dad, can we have the newest Lamborghini engine from the Reventón?" Absolutely, after you clean your room. Guess I'll need to pick up a Cayenne shell to carry everything in. Simple. If we must have badge engineering, shouldn't be it like this?
In America, we get the Grand Marquis, and something similar called the Crown Victoria. Vickie must be tickled about that one. Dodge/Chrysler/Plymouth is just as bad, although now allegedly less schizophrenic. Chevrolet has more derivatives than there are bagels, so remember that the next time you step into Suburban/Escalade. This isn't badge engineering, it's cookie-cutter-ism! If you've saved a grand because it says Mercury instead of Ford, or GMC instead of Chevrolet, or Plymouth instead of Dodge, you're a bloody
(expletive) idiot.
"If you can't spot the sucker at the table in the first 5 minutes, the sucker is you." -
Doyle Brunson
Performance as Purchased: June 5, 2011, Ming Blue Pearl Effect (
Blue)
Displacement: 1,781cc
Max. Power:
198 hp @ 5,900 rpm
Max. Torque:
188 ft-lbs. @ 2,000 rpm
Drivetrain: AWD
Length: 4,159 mm Height: 1,415 mm Weight: 1420 kg
Tires: Comfort (Soft)
Performance Points:
398
Mileage: 17,981.2 mi.
While Hans and his Bavarian brothers toiled away on the car, our producer pulled me aside to have a quick word. He informed me that our guest driver had several requirements that had to be met before any testing could begin. Immediately I imagined Fernando Alonso walking in, demanding the air around him be cooled to precisely 73 degrees, and being scolded by his personal assistant for making eye contact.
Instead, I'd been handed a stack of papers, and kindly asked to stay in the trailer for the initial tests. Thumbing through the papers, I quickly scanned the words "Restraining Order", and something about a judge. What was the meaning of this? Who the hell would want me left out of testing, and why!? Enraged, I stormed out of the trailer and quickly found the answer.
Audi drivers have a reputation, and if anyone embodies that reputation, it would be the Todd. Things went well for our test of the TT, but when we tested the
RS4 in Week 12, blows were exchanged. Concerned that previous events would repeat themselves, The Todd brought along legal protection in the form of a Restraining Order. And a boyfriend, named Trent, who will be driving... while wearing the requisite Oakleys, Polo, Bluetooth and khakis.
While I was being lead to a secure location by armed escort, Hans' team were finishing up with the inspection and repairs. In my tiny, temporary office, I was handed the data, indicating gains of
21 hp,
20 torques, and
14 Performance Points... which I've just discovered are absolutely useless at picking the locks.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: Max. Power: 219 hp, Max. Torque: 208 ft-lb., Max. Performance Points: 412 PP
The only amenities in my tiny cell were a desk, and a 10in. closed-circuit television to watch the action I was being restrained from. Humiliating. On the fuzzy little TV, I could see Todd and Trent laughing away, before settling into the S3 and pulling up to the line. It was sort of like watching Brokeback Mountain, only at
Old Bridge Township rather than the mountains. Less than a minute later, the clocks flashed a 0-60 mph time of
0:06.754, and the quarter mile in
0:15.188.
Hours later, I was finally released from my oven... I mean cell.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: 0-1 mi.: 0:38.432, 0-100 mph: 0:17.566, Max. G-Force: 0.90G, Top Speed: 148.9 mph
Audi's answer to every question seems to be "just add Quattro," which makes me wonder why it isn't simply offered on everything to begin with. What's the point of having an Audi without it. I'm sure even the Le Mans teams are using some sort of the technological wizardry on their cars, and look how successful it is for them. I honestly can't think of a single person that has told me "no, I'd much rather have the front-wheel-drive model, because it's cheaper." Well if you wanted cheaper, go get a Golf!
That being said, the purpose of our test is to see if this upscale, sensible car is worth being wasted on a thankless teenager. More specifically, a teenaged girl, the most dangerous animal in all of the automotive kingdom. One wrong move, and we may find ourselves flattened on the very sidewalk we were just standing.
The site chosen for our test is Germany's infamous Nurburgring. While we've tested here previously, we've never done so with the challenges before us. In order to fully test the car's capabilities, I will be asked to simulate the driving experience of a 16-year-old female, sans drag. Instead of taking a focused and calculated approach to the Ring, I've been asked to take a single lap...
...while talking on the phone... and painting my nails... and eating... and checking out other local traffic (i.e. "hot guys")... all while simultaneously chatting with the four other 16-year-old high school girls.
God help us.
Despite having a wet track, the Audi felt right at home. Although I did struggle with the multitude of tasks laid out before me, and Becky's riveting tale of what she had for lunch, the Audi felt flawless and confident through each of the slippery bends. Even though I was traveling at near triple digit speeds, none of the passengers seemed to have noticed, although I'm not sure if that's a credit to Audi's level of comfort, or the surprisingly low cumulative IQ amongst the hive.
Of course, my daughter would never approve of this car. It's too small, too bland, and most importantly... not pink. Prior to our family feud, she'd been pestering me for a new Camaro, to which I advised her that I would supply... on the same day Jesus comes back. She then switched over to the new Genesis, which is like going from an abortion to a meth addiction. So help me, if I hear the letters F, R, or S, I'll slap her
Face
Real
Solid.
No, instead I think we'll go with the Audi. As I've said before, it's economical, quick, and most importantly bland. Young men are known for their testosterone, so this should act as a preemptive spermicide. It'll also be a handy indicator, because any 16 year old boy interested in the car will likely end up like The Todd... and I'll be damned if that happens in
THIS family!
Week 1: 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider 3.0i V6 24V
Week 2: 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider 1600 Duetto
Week 3: 2000 Toyota Sprinter Trueno GT-APEX (S. Shigeno Ver.)
Week 4: 2007 Audi TT Coupe 3.2 Quattro
Week 5: 1983 Nissan Silvia 240RS (S110) and 1985 Nissan 240RS Rally Car
Week 6: 1973 BMW 2002 Turbo
Week 7: 2004 DMC DeLorean S2
Week 8: 1971 Nissan Fairlady 240ZG (HS30) and 1971 Nissan 240ZG (HS30)
Week 9: 1985 Lancia Delta S4 Rally Car
Week 10: 1991 Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II and 1992 AMG Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II Touring Car
Week 11: 1999 Lotus Motor Sport Elise and 1996 Lotus Elise and 1998 Lotus Elise Sport 190
Week 12: 2001 Audi RS4
Week 13: 1968 Isuzu 117 Coupe
Week 14: 1969 Camaro Z28 and 1969 Camaro Z28 RM and 1969 Camaro SS
Week 15: The Shelby Cars
Week 16: 1979 Honda Civic 1500 3door CX
Week 17: 1967 Mercury Cougar XR-7
Week 18: 1967 Prince Skyline 2000GT-B
Week 19: 1967 Toyota 2000GT
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Ed. Note- R.I.P. Sergio Pininfarina (9/8/26 - 7/3/12)
However, I can see that his alter-ego has had one or two of these in the workshop and created something a bit more special...
