“Honey, I’ve laid waste to our front tires”: Alfa Romeo 147 GTA
Welcome to another edition of Niku’s COTW Reviews; where jokes are overused, cars get abused and where I am writing this after visiting the ever wonderful world that is the Autoclássico classic car show, in the heart of Matosinhos’ Exponor exhibition center. Plenty of classic and expensive metal for everyone, as well as a world of car parts, memorabilia and scale models. It is one of Portugal’s largest classic car shows, and it remains a great showcase of our country’s passion for classics.
But I digress. Tonight our main protagonist is a red-headed automobile, one which has caused plenty of headaches for both real-life and GT6 drivers all across the world. Part hatchback, part madness, all Italian… There is a reason as to why the infamous badge of this particular car contains a snake of all animals;
2002 Alfa Romeo 147 GTA. Codename: "Chili Pizza"
It is the last great showcase of the Busso V6, and the car which was our esteemed ride for this now-ending week; the Alfa Romeo 147 GTA. And no, that “GTA” does not stand for “Grand Theft Auto”, that joke does not have to be overused by the reader and friends, let us be realistic for a change. After all, such a designation obviously stands for one sole thing…
“Great Tire Annihilation”, of course.
No, I am being dead serious. The Alfa is not solely a red-head; it is also a tire destroyer of major proportions, a car which has a split-personality hidden within the sum of its parts. It may look elegant, but this car exists with the intention of making its owner’s life a true rollercoaster of emotions, mainly focusing on fear and then pure rage. But I shall start from the beginning…
The Alfa Romeo 147; an award-winning design and many hopes of sheer success for the ailing Alfa Romeo brand, which was in desperate need of a competent city car to replace the ancient duo comprised of the 3-door 145 and the 5-door 146. And with a European Car Of The Year award under its belt in 2001, the 147 was at least successful in helping Alfa’s chances of fighting amongst a lively small city car market. A car with a surprisingly outspoken personality, thanks to a set of eager Twin Spark engines and a stellar handling (although the light steering posed many issues for several drivers) which came as a shock for many, who were expecting yet another dull grocery getter only suitable for equally uninterested owners. But for a brand with a hidden sense of sheer madness such as Arese-based Alfa Romeo, one thing was yet to be done regarding their “baby boy”…
And the answer was clear, at least for Alfa Romeo; make a hot hatchback out of it. But not just any “normal”, run-of-the-mill hot hatchback, not by any means; Alfa Romeo only had one engine worthy of powerful status and might, and their only choice was soon hand-picked to suit their dastardly plan. In 2002, one year after winning the coveted ECOTY award, Alfa Romeo came out of their dungeon with a car suitable only for a dragon tamer; the GTA was born, Alfa once again creating a maniacal monster out of a pure and innocent grocery getter. The recipe was the result of adding chili to a pizza, replacing the pizza’s base with more chili and then selling it out to unknowing customers, who would have their collective mouths set ablaze with the downright explosive contents of their pizzas. Was it mental? Was it furious? Or was it downright wacky? Yes, the GTA was all that and more, thanks to an explosive combination of a fiery engine and a chassis which may have not been prepared to take said engine into consideration.
Ah yes, driving a GTA… No task may be more infuriating for hot hatchback drivers than having to tame a car which is both a step backwards and a step forward at the same time. In fact, as a song once said, the Alfa is “one step forward and two steps back”, since it gives you all the power which drivers dreamed of at the time, while also offering you a chassis that can’t contain the living Vulcan which was lodged underneath the hood. You can tell already by looking at the car that we are dealing with a wild snake, but you are simply not prepared to deal with its deadly poison. But how is the process driving a GTA, exactly? Well, allow me to show you…
Oh, hello there, Mr. Understee. Are you confused by that “warm welcome”? Don’t be; Mr. Understee is a friend of mine, we “go way back”, as young people say these days. He is a fine gentleman when you are not bothering him, but when someone (or something) upsets Mr. Understee, there is no stopping his rage. And he has a very interesting way of expressing his rage; first he blocks out the ability of turning your front wheels, preventing them from doing their job of steering a car. Then, he introduces these “blocked wheels” to your engine, which simply cannot be bothered to deal with any of this, and lets this unbothered engine do the rest. In short, he goes from being a peaceful man to a downright nightmare, all with a flick of the steering wheel. But what does this long metaphor mean, you ask? It is simple; the GTA’s chassis is simply not suitable for the engine which powers it. But then you may ask; “Niku, surely this car must have a 4WD system?” And I will answer by saying “No, it does not, good sir. And do not call me Shirley.” Which then might be followed by another question; “Ok then, the car must have a revolutionary suspension system, which is capable of acting accordingly to the lack of traction and general problems which plague overpowered FF hot hatchbacks, correct?” And my answer then will be… the exact same thing as before. In a straight line, the 147 hardly feels bad to drive, all thanks to its wonderful engine; at the height of its prowess and power, the 247-hp Busso V6 is a godly gift with the heart of Julius Caesar and the voice of Pavarotti. It may start out rather quietly, but once you move up the rev range, you will witness a change in personality which is simply unexpected and incredible at the same time. Acceleration is brutal and after roughly six seconds, the 100 mph mark is blitzed with ease. If you let scream all the way to the top speed mark, you will be welcomed by a number known as 152 mph, or 246 km/h if you are a Metric-type man. The GTA is not necessarily lacking in the speed and power department, but once you hit a corner the story changes severely…
And this is where the GTA suffers; corner-making. It may be simple business at first, but once you put down the power, expecting the front wheels to do their job and put the power down with finesse, the business transforms itself into a death warrant. As it was said by other members of the COTW world, the GTA’s front wheels have to do three jobs at the same time; taming the V6 engine, holding most of the car’s weight and steer it when corners have to be taken. Unfortunately, not a single one of these jobs is done correctly by the GTA’s chassis, and the driver has to deal with the infuriating process of touching all sorts of pedals and/or the steering wheel in order to prevent the car from making a one-way trip towards the outside section of any given curved section of a racetrack (section which may punctuated by a wall, a railing or simply sheer death by understeer). In order to drive the GTA, you need to wrestle with it; this car does not accept finesse as an answer, so the only to respond to such a brawler is to have a street fight with the car. Brake early, pick your line and then hammer that acceleration pedal as if it had gone to bed with your wife; this is the GTA way and you need to abide by its rules. Trying to accelerate the car while turning the steering wheel within a corner will only result in a mind-blowing trip of tire smoke and screeching from the exact same tire(s) in question, due to the lack of rotation from the overexerted front axle, incapable of handling all the tough tasks which were assigned to it. And with a weight distribution of 62:38 , it is somewhat understandable that this is the way to go. The GTA is planted and does have brutal body roll, but everything else demands 100% focus and 120% patience from its driver in the world of racing. But everything is spoiled by the chassis; despite being the same system which appeared in the equally mad 156 GTA, this FF layout is incapable of dealing with an engine far too powerful for any hatchback regardless of whatever sporty tendencies said hatchback may have. A rear-wheel-drive setup would suit the brutal delivery of the V6 much better, but Alfa Romeo persisted with their FF mentality. Such a mentality would have not been a problem if it weren’t for the fact that the setup itself lacks any proper system to keep the front wheels from giving up entirely and stop their attempts at putting power down properly.
This topic then segues into another problem; the competition. If you are on the market for a deranged hot hatch, you can purchase the Renault Clio V6 Phase 2, a car which somehow manages to outdo the 147 in sheer craziness by offering a V6 inside a small package while installing said V6 in the place where you would once store grocery bags. Of course, this mentality transforms the comfortable, FF Clio into a mid-engine monster which is more than happy to bite your head off the moment you attempt anything close to accelerating in a corner. In the end, choosing this mighty baguette comes down to the owner’s preference for either oversteer or understeer, and how well prepared said owner is to deal with these characteristics. But there is another hidden rival, a car which stunned me when I decided to drive it around the treacherous Nürburgring 24h circuit last night. Something which may have also brought out many stunned faces alongside mine…
Toyota Caldina GT-FOUR. Codename: "Fast 4Dina"
The Toyota Caldina GT-FOUR, a former COTW member and one of many Japanese cars which have seen the track under the COTW banner. And why is this, a rather large station wagon-turned-Celica GT-Four JDM car, fitting to fight a Alfa Romeo hatchback? Well, the answer may or may not surprise you, but that happens because the Caldina works well enough to match the GTA around a twisty track. And of course, the reason for such a strong nº1 contender status lies within its drivetrain; as a heir of the Celica GT-Four’s legacy, the ‘Dina lives alongside a turbocharged engine and a 4WD system which does the exact things that the GTA can only dream of. Mainly, the notions of turning a wheel without destroying the entire front axle and gripping well enough to avoid awkward movements. At the Nürburgring GP circuit, the Alfa Romeo may have beaten one of the Caldina’s times, but it did not beat the other. What do I mean, with this whole “two different times” thing? Well, there was one factor which prevented the Caldina from performing better at the dreaded ‘Ring race yesterday; the transmission. The GT-FOUR, with its 4-speed transmission, simply did not have the punch to keep up with the 147’s far quicker and closer-ranged transmission. So, I performed a little experience; after setting a good lap time with the stock transmission, I changed it to a six-speed, close-range setup which can be bought as a part for the car. Six speeds, just like the GTA. And the results were clear; 2.31.668 from the “6-SPD Caldina” versus a 2.32.495 from the 147 GTA. But wait, there’s more! You see, with an oil change, the GTA has a horsepower rise, to 258 hp. And the Caldina, does it have a better rise? Well, it does…
…to 268 horsepower. More power available than a first-generation Honda NSX, folks.
Ouch, that hit the GTA right in the heart, I’m afraid. And at the price of 27,100 credits, the upgraded transmission and oil change are still not enough to make the Caldina lose on an economical battle. And when a station wagon can match and perhaps even beat your hot hatch, then you did a very bad mistake somewhere in your life.
So, there it is, the Alfa Romeo 147 GTA; clumsy, too awkward around a corner and slower than a Japanese station wagon. Not a good introduction card, especially in face of the ever growing threat of newer, better-honed-for-track hot hatchbacks such as the Golf VI R and the Renault Clio R.S. And if GT7’s list gets upgraded with the 300 horsepower-plus Ford Focus RS, then the GTA will become an even more disjointed dinosaur. And then again, being an Alfa, it is an emotional ride, a car which still stands out and makes people drop their jaws in awe. It is a wild, uncompromising and entertaining ride if you are willing to overlook its understeer issues. It is infuriating, and yet it is your best friend at the same time. Then again, isn’t that how all Alfa Romeo cars work? May you rest in peace well, Busso V6, you have given us madness and atrocious fuel costs, but you were a passionate engine. And the GTA was your best vessel…
"Sorry, bambina. It's not you, it's me. Or rather, it's not you, it's that ungodly amount of understeer and nose-heavy handling. Perhaps you need some Botox for that, just don't apply it directly to the outside of your nose. Keep it "internal affairs", if you know what I mean..."
Pros
- Furious engine packs a mean punch;
- One of Alfa Romeo's most mental hatchbacks;
- Capable of surprising quite a few with handling...
Cons:
- ...surprises which may not be fun for the driver;
- Lacks proper drivetrain to keep power flowing decently;
- Atrocious weight distribution.
Final Veredict: Beater; it pains me to award the GTA with the "Beater" tag, but there is just far too much effort required to keep it on the track properly, when there are better hot hatches on the market which can do that and perhaps even outrun the 147. The Alfa went big, but now it can only go home. Still, if you want to challenge yourself, then this car is suitable for those drivers who want to test their strength... If the Renault Clio V6 does not get in the way, that is.
👍👍👍.
