Confession Booth

[Wolfe]

Unbelievable. Now I really feel a part of GTP. I didn't think that I would get that much sympathy from you guys, thanks. I always thought that I was just a member that wasn't noticable, kind of invisible.

Not at all. I can't speak for everyone, but to me, you're one of the many instantly-recognizable regulars around here. That may be in part because of your rather memorable avatar, but it's also because you're a valued member of the community. 👍

Some of the other members here have given you some excellent advice and resources, so I'll just say this: Suicide isn't so much a solution to depression as it is a means of passing it on to those around you -- your family, your friends, and even your e-friends like us -- who will then live with the sadness of losing you.

Now, I know you're kind enough and smart enough to not want to do that, so you have to go about fighting the problem a different way, which means medication, going to the gym, whatever it takes. You've told us that your friends think you're a strong-willed person, which is great -- that means that you'll have the determination to work with your doctors and beat this problem.

I don't know much about psychology and the physiology of the brain, but for what its worth, might I suggest harnessing the sadness that you feel and converting it into something constructive? Other than going to the gym, perhaps you can spend time painting/drawing whatever comes to mind, or playing music. For me, after a rough day, playing the piano can be very soothing, especially if I begin with loud, angry songs, tapering down to eventually end with softer, happier ones.

As MachOne said, just keep on truckin', mate. One day, you'll be able to look back on this period of your life, and you'll be proud to have emerged victorious, happy, and very much alive. Beating life's problems is what life's all about. 👍

 

[Sakiale]

Yeah. I feel the same way every day. Never attempted suicide though... but I keep at it and know that when I'm 18, I'll get to party for 3 years.

Then have a 9 year hangover...

Then start having a boring life.

Yeah, kikie, don't take my advice.

But hang in there mate. You were always one of the bigger members... along with GT4_Rule, keef, Casio, etc...

 

[kikie]

Thanks all

You will always have friends and a listening ear @ GTP, just tell us how your doing every now and again...

GTPlanet.net is like a big family. We are all here for you. If you ever need to get something off your chest, talk about something, advice, whatever

Maybe after my first confession it's time to go all the way. Tell whats going on with me in detail, then you guys understand why it's so hard to live for me.
this depression is just the tip of the ice berg.
I don't know if I'm going to do the right thing by telling all this personal stuff, people may start to look at me as, a weak person with problems.

If it's allowed and if you guys are interested I'll tell it all. yes/no???

This is a confession booth afterall, so lets confess.

 

[Powripper]

I've been on meds to treat deppresion for 3 years now, and Ive had many ups and downs, kikie, If you ever need to chat with someone who understands, feel free to Pm me whenever. Ive been down the same path my friend.

Take care

Chris

 

[kikie]

I've been on meds to treat deppresion for 3 years now, and Ive had many ups and downs, kikie, If you ever need to chat with someone who understands, feel free to Pm me whenever. Ive been down the same path my friend.

Take care

Chris

ok, thanks. You can always add me to MSN, if you want. You don't have to!!!!!

 

[Danny]

Thanks all



Maybe after my first confession it's time to go all the way. Tell whats going on with me in detail, then you guys understand why it's so hard to live for me.
this depression is just the tip of the ice berg.
I don't know if I'm going to do the right thing by telling all this personal stuff, people may start to look at me as, a weak person with problems.

If it's allowed and if you guys are interested I'll tell it all. yes/no???

This is a confession booth afterall, so lets confess.

Wat u ons wilt vertellen, zullen wij luisteren. Wij kunnen raad ook aanbieden, als u wilt. Niemand zal pret van u maken of zal u is zwak denken.
De depressie is een ernstig probleem en soms helpt het om het met vrienden te bespreken.

 

[kikie]

I'm going to explain a very personal part of my life. There is more to it then just a depression.
It all started at the age of 13 - 14 when somebody with his friends started to bully me around, calling me names, insulting me, humiliate in public (classroom) every day for years. I'm not a tit, so I stood up for myself but the dominance of this guy and his friends was just too much. This problem also occured when I was e.g. riding with my bycicle. Total strangers just started calling me names in public, insulting me (also almost on daily bases). This mental abuse went on for years. I never did anything about it. Never talked about it. I bottle it all up, until I was around 20 years old and I couldn't go on anymore like that. My mother (whom loved me very much) commited suicide, just when I got my first nervous breakdown. It all happened at the same time. Her first attempt failed. I knew that she was going to do it again and yes, after living in fear for 6 months of loosing my mother, she did it again. Both times I found her. After a while I got blamed by 1 family member for my mother’s death. Nice thing to hear if your in a depression. But I got over it.
At last after some professionel help, I got out of this "ordeal" and started to live with my father, a practical normal life. I'm smart, never had any problems at school, but I never finished anything. I developed a very low esteem and became a very negative person which makes it even harder to overcome this depression and trauma's. I'm an only child.

Now some years later it all started all over again (in may of this year). I wanted to get rid of these bottle up things once and for all but it was too much and I got into this depression again. I have the most severe depression there is, on the verge of a psychoses.
So bottom line, I just don't have a depression but I have 2 youth trauma's to deal with and I have sometimes anxiety attacks about my futur and I can't get over it although I'm a fighter with a strong will
Well that’s it. Now I’ll stop confessing before I get a bad reputation on GTP.

 

[Flame-returns]

Disregard this post.

 

[Duke]

kikie, you won't get a bad reputation here. It seems like you've had quite a bit to deal with, in addition to the possibly genetic origins of your own depression.

As many have said, you don't need to bottle up your feelings - we're here to listen. You can say anything to us, since we are real people, but you will probably never meet us in person. So you can be free to speak your mind, without having to do it in person.

Good luck and good work!

 

[F1GTR]

Hey Kikie, you've gotten this far, don't give up now.

 

[Keef]

Yeah man, don't worry about hiding a damn thing. Nobody's going to make fun of you or put you down like all those peolple you talked about. Those are the kind of people that just shouldn't be here. Most of them live to hurt others, and they just don't care. I'm not like that, and all the people I've seen on this site aren't like that. We'll help you out the beat we can. Like I said, I'm not a very good cheerer upper, but I still care and want you to be happy.

Like Duke said, you aren't going to get a bad rep or be looked down upon. Actually, you're helping us all recognize you and you're becoming an even closer member to all of us. I already know more about you than anyone else, and when I see your name I immediately recognize you. Just tell us what you want whenever you want. Bring it on, we'll listen to you.

 

[kikie]

yeah, thanks again to everyone. Maybe I do meet some of you guys in futur. I think I'm going to visit a pen friend in the US (a girl), take some time off and try to see the GTP members that are interested in meeting me. I have to be honest that these are just plans, nothing concrete yet.
Going to the UK isn't that hard. Just cross the channel and I'm there.
Maybe I get to thank some of you in person.
If I go to the US I definitely have to meet our father (Jordan hehe). I wanted to pay for premium membership for more than a month now but he doesn't have a PO box anymore, so I'll pay him in person. I don't have a credit card.

in addition to the possibly genetic origins of your own depression.

that's what I said to the doctors myself but they deny it.

 

[Evolution.]

Well that’s it. Now I’ll stop confessing before I get a bad reputation on GTP.

Bad rep? Nah. The only way to relieve yourself of all of that pressure inside is to let it out. Talking to anyone with a listening ear will greatly help with relieving depression and purging it from your system. Anyone who wants to even think about giving you a bad rep for that needs to go dig themselves a hole and hide. Talking about it is one of the few ways to help it, and everyone here a GTP is willing to listen ( or else ).

 

[tait]

I don't know if I'm going to do the right thing by telling all this personal stuff, people may start to look at me as, a weak person with problems.

With a past like yours no one is going to look at you as being weak. You've proved to us that you're strong willed in making it this far after all that's happened, and you're not giving up yet. I'm glad you could share with us as i'm sure it's made you feel a bit better (expressing your feelings is always a good step into the right path). As said previously, you just need to keep yourself busy with the gym or a constructive hobby. Something to keep your mind occupied. I myself have been on a bit of a downer note (depression has been off and on for 5 years now) so I decided to get a job telemarketing (don't hate me). Goodluck kikie.

 

[Sureboss]

The response to kikie has been brilliant, very mature stuff boys my rating of this forum keeps going up and up.

Kikie, you've come over the highest hurdle in letting your feelings out, I've suffered from depression since late 2003, I still have it but it's at the point where I can control it without Anti-depressants.

Sounds like your life had been full of parts that are hard to swallow, but you sound like you have a strong will which is very important in fighting depression.

I've had ups and downs, ended up putting my fist through a window earlier this year needing 4 stitches in 3 cuts, the weird thing was though it happened due to my laptop stopping working (little things can set it off) it happened the bit that set me off I mis-read. I'm fine now though, my self confidence is low, didn't finish school due to CFS and not done any education since (3 years).

My Doctor has been brilliant though, which is a huge help because depression isn't an easy thing to understand, and not many people who haven't had it understand it. I started off on a drug called Amitryptiline, which made me worse and I got really low, thinking some nasty stuff I feel bad about, I hit a waking point when I put a knife to my wrist (thankfully the knife was blunt) we saw the doctor and changed to something called Fluoxetin (iirc) and it helped me on my recovery.

It's made me mature more for having depression though, I look at life with a more mature outlook an think about things. Obviously I'd have rather not gone through it but it shows you can look at negatives and make them positives, which I wouldn't have done 2 odd years ago.

If you ever need to chat (I'm on the south coast of Blighty) please PM me.

It's hard thing but I think you'll pull through due to your strong will and talking about things.

On another matter I also think Depression can be genetic. My Mum has it, as does Cousin and Auntie.

Nigel

 

[emaNresU]

Depression is a gargantuan hurdle to overcome. It seems unfair that you have to suffer it, and it is, but millions of people suffer from depression.

The best advice I could off would be to befriend others who are depressed. Then, you could meet up and do some activities. That lifts you both right out of a depressive state.

Good luck!

 

[kikie]

If there are members whom want to chat PM me or add me to msn: droppingmoonlight@hotmail.com (write a little note to it so I know who you are) thank you.

 

[GT4_Rule]

kikie, like others said, don't give up. You've come this far in life and what's the good in taking your own life because of a condition. Fight and conquer it. I've been repeated called names in my classes by a bunch of caucasian guys just for their own enternainment, and right now I'm going through a difficult period in terms of relationships (both romantic relationships and family) and I've never ever thought of suiciding. You've experienced a lot of stuff in your life. I wish you good luck.

 

[kikie]

The best advice I could off would be to befriend others who are depressed. Then, you could meet up and do some activities. That lifts you both right out of a depressive state.

Good luck!

I've been thinking about that.

 

[Gen.]

I'm going to explain a very personal part of my life. There is more to it then just a depression.
It all started at the age of 13 - 14 when somebody with his friends started to bully me around, calling me names, insulting me, humiliate in public (classroom) every day for years. I'm not a tit, so I stood up for myself but the dominance of this guy and his friends was just too much. This problem also occured when I was e.g. riding with my bycicle. Total strangers just started calling me names in public, insulting me (also almost on daily bases). This mental abuse went on for years. I never did anything about it. Never talked about it. I bottle it all up, until I was around 20 years old and I couldn't go on anymore like that. My mother (whom loved me very much) commited suicide, just when I got my first nervous breakdown. It all happened at the same time. Her first attempt failed. I knew that she was going to do it again and yes, after living in fear for 6 months of loosing my mother, she did it again. Both times I found her. After a while I got blamed by 1 family member for my mother’s death. Nice thing to hear if your in a depression. But I got over it.
At last after some professionel help, I got out of this "ordeal" and started to live with my father, a practical normal life. I'm smart, never had any problems at school, but I never finished anything. I developed a very low esteem and became a very negative person which makes it even harder to overcome this depression and trauma's. I'm an only child.

Now some years later (in may of this year) it all started all over again. I wanted to get rid of these bottle up things once and for all but it was too much and I got into this depression again. I have the most severe depression there is, on the verge of a psychoses.
So bottom line, I just don't have a depression but I have 2 youth trauma's to deal with and I can't get over it although I'm a fighter with a strong will.

Well that’s it. Now I’ll stop confessing before I get a bad reputation on GTP.

**** man, you're one hell of a guy to go through all of that.

Stay strong, no matter how bad it gets, just be thankful that you're alive. Don't quit now

 

[kikie]

This is maybe a little bit too much but I want to tell one more thing. I'm not seeking for sympathy but I have to get this of my chest. I'm starting to get anxiety attacks again. These are unbearable. I had one when I woke up this morning. I started shaking like hell and thought I was having a nervous brakedown again. To get rid of it I took some meds to sleep almost all day, Again a day waisted , hehe


Ladies and gentleman this was kikie again, the wuss.

Chris Van Roy signing off.

 

[OZZYGT]

Kikie, I assume that you go to the psycologist, is he the one who gave you the medicine? or what does he says about all these problems that you have? Because the way I see it, positive advices and feedback will not be as effective as we thought they would be. Taking in account that you're no longer a teenager (which I thought you were) and your a grown adult.

Professional advice is the best one you can get at this point.






Ciao!

 

[kikie]

Professional advice is the best one you can get at this point.






Ciao!

professional advice means getting locked up in a clinic where you get bored to death (literally). Not my kind of thing.

 

[Keef]

They lock up criminals. They lock up insane poeple. They lock up people with mental disorders that cause them to eat their children, and hours later being completely oblivious to the fact. They lock up crazies who spend years of their life planning a single event, hiding it from everyone, commiting the act, then restarting their lives unknown, just to do it all over again.

I don't think they lock up people who are depressed.

I'm sorry if I sound mean, but an adult mind requires different forms of persuation than that of a kid. My mind, being 18, would much more easily be persuaded by talks with friends, fun activities, and all that happy stuff than an adult mind. A disorder manifests itself much more deeply in an adult mind, and eventually can control the mind and the way it works.

Basically, and I don't know if it's true, but us saying "It'll be okay" might not work for your mind. We aren't psychologists, so all we can do is talk and crack some jokes. A psychologist can--more or less--fix the problem, rather than making it go away for an hour or two, like us.

 

[OZZYGT]

professional advice means getting locked up in a clinic where you get bored to death (literally). Not my kind of thing.

I never meant getting locked up in a clinic Kikie, I just suggested you to seek a better help than just nice comments from us. Like keef said, dealing and advicing a teenager is different than trying to help an adult with possible suicidal thoughts and long term depression.




Ciao!

 

[kikie]

I just suggested you to seek a better help than just nice comments from us.
Ciao!

I've been thinking abou that to see a psychiatrist once a week or so.

 

[G.T]

I've been thinking abou that to see a psychiatrist once a week or so.

Good idea. You may not like the thought of it, but I think it is worth a try to do so, to make sure that you really don't want to take that road.

I have been bullied at school, and had to be pulled out and be Home Educated because mentally I had had enough. I was running home from school, crying all the time, and it made my Mum eventually crack up because of her seeing what I went through.

For about a year a just did what work I could with my mentally bruised brain. I was still very traumatic - and I even admit once during the year I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't cope with the dramatic change of coming out of school. The parents were shocked to know because they honestly thought I was getting better, so they tried to make me as happy as possible - which worked. Things got slowly better for me for the next half year, but things got much worse for my Dad, because he was going through a seriously stressful time at work. At one point it frightened me to bits, because he suddenly went out into the garden and started smashing the garden table yelling as loudly as he could. I felt horrible... Things got more complicated, with both my Grandads and my Nan dieing, but cutting things short, we decided we need some help, as a family, pretty soon. We slowly made plans for a family therapy session (and Dad got one of his own, too). I will tell you now, that these sessions do help. They help you get out all of your feelings, maybe ones that you never though of before. The therapist will try and help you in whatever way they think suits you best. It might be different on a 1-to-1 session like you may have, but I'm sure it will be similar.

At the present, we have done much better overall. Dad is now out of work, as they made him redundant (probably the best thing that has happened in the past 6 years, on par with me being pulled out of school) and everyone is a whole lot happier than before. I myself has come along so much I'm even attending a few College classes. Of course, the memories of school do come back from time to time, but it's getting better with every passing day.

Well done for making it this far, kikie. Keep on fighting, and get that help!

 

[kikie]

I think I'm on the wrong medication.

 

[Dave A]

What makes you think that?

 

[kikie]

Bcause I'm as depressed as I was 6 months ago. There should be any improvement and there isn't. Getting up every morning is like hell.