- 38,956
- Application hell
- MP-Omnis
Dear coke,
There was a time when coke bottles came with caps that were easily opened.
Old, glorious bottle caps.
The world was a more innocent place. People were kind, hands were blister-free, and only tennis players suffered from tennis elbow. When you were eating a greasy piece of fried chicken or any of the classic american delights that would have been accompanied by a cold bottle of coke, the adroitly designed bottle caps allowed even the oiliest, chubbiest fingers easy access to the bottled drink.
Even this guy could get into a coke.
Then, of course, the world had to change. Environmentalists slowly wheedled people into giving up functionality for the sake of responsibility. Veterans day was ruined by Sun Chips, whose gunshot-loud eco-bags sent PTSD-suffering soldiers into shock at parties across the nation. Coca Cola decided to take advantage of eco-mania after an impassioned speech by Al Gore titled, “Litterers in the Hands Of An Angry Gore.”
They consulted a design team comprised exclusively of hipsters who thought it would be ironic to shape a plastic twist-off cap like the old metal ones that required a bottle opener. They also thought it would be ironic that you wouldn’t be able to use a bottle opener to open it after realizing what a pain in the ass it was to twist off. Naturally, it was a huge hit.
The new caps that you have by now remembered totally suck.
It was approved by Coca Cola after they realized they could cut down on plastic production by 5% annually. The in-house diabetes and obesity committees also reported that the chubby kids in their study groups were 78% more likely to go grab a bag of cheetos before struggling to open their product.
No more health lawsuits-- blame the cheetos.
Of course, they never realized how much they would piss people off with this new move. Only sticky-fingered individuals with slight, scaly hands could remove the new hipster cap with relative ease. The rest of us were left hung out to dry.
“I’m pissed.”
Coke caps used to be functional, but now they’re as hard to open as it is to get into Miley Cyrus’s pants. And unlike with Miley, it’s not getting any easier. In a rush to save 5% on plastics costs, the new bottles were brought to market without proper testing. Testing was only ordered concurrently with the product launch, and now that these stupid caps have been out for a while, there are some horror stories floating around regarding what has been happening to some of the testers.
The result of multiple cap removal trials
This tester’s left arm was too hairy for testing purposes but he was allowed to participate until his other arm grew too large to successfully complete any further trials.
It is my hope that Coke will soon see the folly of its ways. This is worse than New Coke. It’s almost as bad at least. For all of our sakes, Coke, go back to the cap design that actually worked. I don’t care if you keep it low profile for plastic savings, but at least put those awesome ridges back in instead of this stupid slippy convoluted crap.
Long live ridges!
Screw these new caps! Yeah! If you agree, give me a "hell yeah!"
Fisto says hell yeah!
There was a time when coke bottles came with caps that were easily opened.
Old, glorious bottle caps.
The world was a more innocent place. People were kind, hands were blister-free, and only tennis players suffered from tennis elbow. When you were eating a greasy piece of fried chicken or any of the classic american delights that would have been accompanied by a cold bottle of coke, the adroitly designed bottle caps allowed even the oiliest, chubbiest fingers easy access to the bottled drink.
Even this guy could get into a coke.
Then, of course, the world had to change. Environmentalists slowly wheedled people into giving up functionality for the sake of responsibility. Veterans day was ruined by Sun Chips, whose gunshot-loud eco-bags sent PTSD-suffering soldiers into shock at parties across the nation. Coca Cola decided to take advantage of eco-mania after an impassioned speech by Al Gore titled, “Litterers in the Hands Of An Angry Gore.”
They consulted a design team comprised exclusively of hipsters who thought it would be ironic to shape a plastic twist-off cap like the old metal ones that required a bottle opener. They also thought it would be ironic that you wouldn’t be able to use a bottle opener to open it after realizing what a pain in the ass it was to twist off. Naturally, it was a huge hit.
The new caps that you have by now remembered totally suck.
It was approved by Coca Cola after they realized they could cut down on plastic production by 5% annually. The in-house diabetes and obesity committees also reported that the chubby kids in their study groups were 78% more likely to go grab a bag of cheetos before struggling to open their product.
No more health lawsuits-- blame the cheetos.
Of course, they never realized how much they would piss people off with this new move. Only sticky-fingered individuals with slight, scaly hands could remove the new hipster cap with relative ease. The rest of us were left hung out to dry.
“I’m pissed.”
Coke caps used to be functional, but now they’re as hard to open as it is to get into Miley Cyrus’s pants. And unlike with Miley, it’s not getting any easier. In a rush to save 5% on plastics costs, the new bottles were brought to market without proper testing. Testing was only ordered concurrently with the product launch, and now that these stupid caps have been out for a while, there are some horror stories floating around regarding what has been happening to some of the testers.
The result of multiple cap removal trials
This tester’s left arm was too hairy for testing purposes but he was allowed to participate until his other arm grew too large to successfully complete any further trials.
It is my hope that Coke will soon see the folly of its ways. This is worse than New Coke. It’s almost as bad at least. For all of our sakes, Coke, go back to the cap design that actually worked. I don’t care if you keep it low profile for plastic savings, but at least put those awesome ridges back in instead of this stupid slippy convoluted crap.
Long live ridges!
Screw these new caps! Yeah! If you agree, give me a "hell yeah!"
Fisto says hell yeah!
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I feel for you though Omnis, but maybe this is a sign.... Drink water not Coke.. or are the bottle caps on water bottles the same as well?
