- 87,415
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
1 - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
2 - How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
3 - Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
4 - How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on 0208 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
5 - What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
6 - A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
7 - What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
8 - What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
9 - So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
10 - How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
11 - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
12 - Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
13 - A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
14 - A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
15 Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
17 - A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
18 - A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
19 - What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
20 - A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
21 - How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
22 - What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
23 - A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,
'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'
'Well what's so special about it?'
'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'
'Oh ok.'
The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
25 - A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk too much, which was possibly the point of the study."
26 - A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had."
27 - A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
28 - A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
29 - What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
30 - A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
31 - These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bull****, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.
32 - As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
(don't ask why there isn't a 16)
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
2 - How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
3 - Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
4 - How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on 0208 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
5 - What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
6 - A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
7 - What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
8 - What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
9 - So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
10 - How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
11 - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
12 - Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
13 - A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
14 - A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
15 Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
17 - A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
18 - A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
19 - What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
20 - A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
21 - How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
22 - What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
23 - A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,
'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'
'Well what's so special about it?'
'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'
'Oh ok.'
The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
25 - A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk too much, which was possibly the point of the study."
26 - A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had."
27 - A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
28 - A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
29 - What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
30 - A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
31 - These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bull****, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.
32 - As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
(don't ask why there isn't a 16)
Oh well... I'll stick by the AUP and add to this much maligned and under-valued existing thread...
But that might actually work out better, since half the time I end up looking at the other lights to figure out when mine will go green (so I know when to drop the clutch and put it in 1st). On the otherhand, we have so many people that run redlights it's best that people not be ready for green. On the otherhand (third hand), perhaps we'd have fewer people running lights if they knew everyone would be ready to go.
