Jokes... in the REAL world... (Caution Advised)

[zoxxy]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

"Every kid in the class was driving a Porsche, except Dave. It was his dads."

So, four monkey walk into a bar, and sit down next to a priest.
'Cheers', said the priest. 'OOHIHIHIHIH!!', answered one of the monkeys.
And the monkeys got kicked out, cause monkeys aren't allowed in the bar.

 

[Danny]

LMFAO.

"Caution, you are about to go."

I assumed that ultra had basically made a typo/brain fart. But now I'm intrigued by this "get ready to go" business.

Now I hate to say I told you so...


An englishman, a scotsman, an irishman and a welsh woman enter a pub.
They drink too much, and a violent rape ensues, for which all three men are facing lengthy prison sentences. The woman has since appeared on the Jeremy Kyle show.

 

[guska]

What do you get when George Bush, John Howard, and Tony Blair are all in the same room?

A Conference

 

[Zrow]

A man gets well hammered at a bar, and finally leaves. He then notices a nun walking past.

Even though he was quite drunk, he still thought it was odd that a nun was walking around late at night in that section of town. He catches a bus home, falls asleep and completely forgets about it the next morning.

 

[GM]

I don't know why, but I found 17 quite funny , aswell as many of the others.

 

[Danny]

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A three-legged donkey.

 

[TopHat]

Heres one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Thats where the chicken feed is.


NO ITS NOT FUNNY


What do you call smart blonde? The apocolypse!

 

[TS]

Blonde Jokes:
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant

I'll try to think of more later.

 

[Famine]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Thats where the chicken feed is.

👍

What do you call smart blonde? The apocolypse!

👎 and an ironic mis-spelling too.

 

[TS]

Q: What do smart blondes and aliens have in common?
A: You hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a cliff, who would hit the ground first?
A: The brunette, the blonde would stop and ask for directions.

 

[Danny]

TS, I'm not sure you get the gist...

Did you hear the one about the two dogs in a bar?

They were removed because dogs weren't allowed.

 

[Touring Mars]

TS, I'm not sure you get the gist...

May I recommend this book?

Did you hear the one about the two dogs in a bar?

They were removed because dogs weren't allowed.

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Neither have I, I think we might be lost"

 

[Lamboracer]

knock knock?
Who's there?
It the police, open up we have a warrant for your arrest.
Says who?
The distric court of California.
OH ****!!

 

[Danny]

Yo momma's so fat she has an increased risk of a heart attack.

What's black, white and red all over?
A multicoloured object.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
Disabled.




It doesn't really fit but my 5 year old cousin tried to tell a joke.

"What do you call a donkey with three legs?"
*Silence*
"A no-eye deer!"

Awwwww....

 

[Touring Mars]

Ha ha... that joke is almost true and more on-topic than TS (sorry man, but it is....)... I really do have no idea what I'd call a three-legged donkey...

On a similar note, my little cousin (when he was very young) once drew a picture based on the front cover of my older cousin's copy of the Paul Hardcastle single, "19"... a song about the average age of US soldiers in Vietnam. The picture was of a young soldier (presumably 19 ) in a tank in Vietnam... pretty grim... but my wee cousin drew the picture and had the soldier singing "The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray!" I don't know if that's really on topic but it's kind of close...

 

[GM]

Heres one, sorry if it's wrong .

'What do you call a dog lying on the floor?'

'Dead'.

 

[Duke]

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor, and a lawyer all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[daan]

Man A - My dog has no nose.
Man B - How does he smell?
Man A - He can't, I've just said he has no nose.



Patient - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor - That's unusual. I'll make you an appointment to see a psychiatrist.

 

[Danny]

Ha ha... that joke is almost true and more on-topic than TS (sorry man, but it is....)... I really do have no idea what I'd call a three-legged donkey...

A wonkey. Duh.


Uh-oh...I can feel it coming....!!!!!!!

On a similar note, my little cousin (when he was very young) once drew a picture based on the front cover of my older cousin's copy of the Paul Hardcastle single, "19"... a song about the average age of US soldiers in Vietnam. The picture was of a young soldier (presumably 19 ) in a tank in Vietnam... pretty grim... but my wee cousin drew the picture and had the soldier singing "The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray!" I don't know if that's really on topic but it's kind of close...

👍


A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no! not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Matthew."

 

[HACKr]

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor, and a lawyer all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Rofl!

 

[GM]

at Duke and TM.

 

[Danny]

A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink.



What do you get if you cross a pig with a knife juggler?

A tiresome afternoon, trying to get pigs blood out of the carpet, which is a nightmare because once it soaks in, that mutha ain't coming out.

 

[markj_87]

What's the difference between Jerry Springer and a rabid dog?

One's a television presenter and the other's a diseased animal.

 

[Kylehnat]

What does a pilot say when he realizes that his plane doesn't have enough fuel to make it to the destination?

"Tower, this is Flight 23. We're a bit short on fuel. Can you send the boys over to top it off before we leave the gate?"

 

[TS]

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
He saw a KFC across the street and ran inside.

 

[Wolfe]

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
He saw a KFC across the street and ran inside.

Chickens don't know how to discern KFCs from other buildings, and I doubt they would care to do anything about it even if they could and saw one.

 

[Kylehnat]

I guess the point was that chickens are stupid. However, since the joke contains a hint of irony, it's not in the spirit of this thread

 

[Danoff]

What's the difference between Jerry Springer and a rabid dog?

One's a television presenter and the other's a diseased animal.

You know, my brain keeps telling me it's going to be a joke. I'm ready for the punchline and then boom! Nothing. Very nice 👍

A priest and his friend are golfing one weekend. The priest is doing quite well, and his friend is starting to get frustrated. The buddy tees up and shanks the ball into the trees.

"God d*** it **** it I missed!!!" He yells.

The priest says "you really shouldn't take the lord's name in vein."

Shortly after on the green, the priest's friend botches an easy put.

"God d*** it **** it I missed!!!" he yells.

The priest says "God will get angry with you if you continue to abuse his name."

On the very next tee the priest's friend misses the ball completely.

"God d*** it **** it I missed!!" he yells.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and strikes the priest dead. The friend looks up at the sky and hears a booming sound... it's thunder echoing off the nearby mountains. The friend then takes the priest to a hospital where he is pronounced dead. He speaks kindly about the priest at his funeral and mourns the loss for years.

 

[F1GTR]

Good one Daan!

 

[kennythebomb]

Three bikers go into a truckstop and sit down next to a man at the bar. The first biker takes the man's sandwich. The second biker snags the man's diet coke. The third biker grabs his cheese fries. Without a meal, the man leaves.

The first biker says to the waitress "he wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress says "Who are you talkin bout?"

The biker looks around and can't find the man. The other bikers shuffle their feet and grunt.