Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,716 comments
  • 786,599 views
My dad, a fishing enthusiast', choice of joke was always:
"What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam"

I'm sure you've all hear that one a million times before.
 
Appreciate the little things, hug a midget.
I was going write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar.
 
turbolefty78
What's the difference between a tribe of intelligent pygmies and an all womens track team?

Well, the first is a bunch of cunning runts...
Click to expand...
I love those kind of jokes!

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

One likes mucking about in fountains...

- - -
​
What's the difference between a blind archer and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit...
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughter’s, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local watering hole which is only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Fat Tire. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Sam Adams, She didn’t like it, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Why does Waldo always wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
—————
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
—————
Why couldn't the bike stand by itself? It was two tired.

Sorry if these are reposts, and I know they're not that good. I'm better at visual and verbal comedy. :lol:
 
In math, Americans deal with long division. Asians have to deal with wide division.
 
Me: "Did you know there's a barcode on condoms?"

Friend: "No, seriously?"

Me: "What, you don't unwrap it that far?"



Jerome
 
I wrote a Family Guy "Like the time" bit:

Peter - Like the time Ed Gein went to the Academy Awards....
Cross to the red carpet, where a reporter spots Mr Gein.
Reporter - Ed, Ed!! Who are you wearing?
 
247819_10151048706217687_2126617045_n.jpg
 
It was funnier in the other thread.
 
A big black piece of tarmac goes into a pub and shoulders a couple of people out of the way at the bar, grunting.

"Give me a pint!" he growls at the barman. He gets his pint and glowers around the pub looking mean.

A small piece of green tarmac comes in and makes his way to the bar. In a high-pitched, effeminate voice he asks "Please can I have a lemonade?". As the barman gets the lemonade he sees the big black piece of tarmac vanishing into the toilets.

The small green piece of tarmac finishes his lemonade and leaves the pub. The black tarmac looks round the toilet door - "Has he gone yet?".

"What's up with you?" asks the barman, "I thought you were supposed to be a tough guy?".

"I am" says the black tarmac, "but he's a cycle-path!".


===================================================================

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Frenchman, Indian, Italian, Israeli, Arab, Russian and a German walk into a pub.

"Oi!", says the doorman, "You can't come in here without a Thai!".
 
I hate football video games.

They're so maddening.
 
Snorevette
Yeah, and they're so expensive. There's a new one every year and you always have to pay a huge FIFA the most up to date ones.
Click to expand...
*American football.

You missed the punchline. :p
 
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court getting a divorce.
The divorce lawyer says to Mickey, "So, you say that you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?"
Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was :censored:ing Goofy!"
 
Back