Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,421 views
- 3,704
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
- 78
A gay male couple used their sperm and a saraget mother to have a baby, at the hospital after the birth they were looking at the room full of babies. all were crying but 1, the nurse said the quiet 1 was theirs. They were so happy about how calm and almost smiling it was. The nurse said "he's calm now but wait till we take the pacifier out of his butt."
Evolution.
(Banned)
- 3,722
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3. One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.
-----
How do you get an emo down from a tree?
you cut the rope...
-----
What`s the best kind of grass?
Emo grass because it cuts itself
-----
What do emos use as birth control?
Their personalities.
-----
If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first?
The blonde, she drowns in the emo kid's tears.
3. One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.
-----
How do you get an emo down from a tree?
you cut the rope...
-----
What`s the best kind of grass?
Emo grass because it cuts itself
-----
What do emos use as birth control?
Their personalities.
-----
If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first?
The blonde, she drowns in the emo kid's tears.
- 2,343
- Atlanta, GA
- WallRunner51
Three Guys Come Into The U.S., Who can't speak english.
The first guy walks by a candy store and hears a kid saying: goody-goody gumdrops.
The second walks by a McDonalds and hears the manager saying forks and knives, forks and knives.
The third walks by a theater and hears someone saying Mimimimimimiiiiii.
A police officer walks up to the three men and tells them: "three men matching your discriptions killed A guy.
the first man said: "Goody-Goody-gumdrops.
the officer asks the second man: "What Did they kill him with"
the guy says: "Forks And Knives"
the officer Asks the third man: "Who killed him"
The guy says: "Mimimimi"
-----------------------------------------------
what's stranger than seeing a cat-fish?
A goldfish... bowl
From,
The Wall.......Runner
The first guy walks by a candy store and hears a kid saying: goody-goody gumdrops.
The second walks by a McDonalds and hears the manager saying forks and knives, forks and knives.
The third walks by a theater and hears someone saying Mimimimimimiiiiii.
A police officer walks up to the three men and tells them: "three men matching your discriptions killed A guy.
the first man said: "Goody-Goody-gumdrops.
the officer asks the second man: "What Did they kill him with"
the guy says: "Forks And Knives"
the officer Asks the third man: "Who killed him"
The guy says: "Mimimimi"
-----------------------------------------------
what's stranger than seeing a cat-fish?
A goldfish... bowl
From,
The Wall.......Runner
- 5,753
Wallrunner51
!
Rogue Ssv
(Banned)
- 1,448
Well this isnt a joke but its kind of funny...
Have you ever noticed that at Jaguar driving school they give you Corollas?
At Lotus driving school they give you... Corollas?
At Ferrari driving school they give you Malibus?
And at Venturi driving school they give you Accords?
Have you ever noticed that at Jaguar driving school they give you Corollas?
At Lotus driving school they give you... Corollas?
At Ferrari driving school they give you Malibus?
And at Venturi driving school they give you Accords?
- 5,753
emadAre you laughing AT him or are you laughing WITH him?
There's a huge difference in this particular case
What the **** do you think genius?
Reply to my PM too.
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
What a terrible day I've had. It all started when I went to the bank and this little old lady seemed to be having trouble finding which line she should be in. I asked her if I could help and she said she needed to check her balance... so I pushed her over (she had shocking balance).
After the staff threw me out of there, I went to the hardware store to get a couple of things. As soon as I was in the door, the store assistant asked me if I wanted decking... luckily I got the first punch in. I reckon he was related to the bank manager 'cause I got thrown out of there too.
After the staff threw me out of there, I went to the hardware store to get a couple of things. As soon as I was in the door, the store assistant asked me if I wanted decking... luckily I got the first punch in. I reckon he was related to the bank manager 'cause I got thrown out of there too.
- 1,980
somebody
That is so funny
Rogue Ssv
(Banned)
- 1,448
OK, this isnt really a joke but it really happened:
One time my friend and I were fighting. Not seriously, just hitting each other.
He stole my jacket, and I snatched it back. He said 'touch me again and I kill you', so I whipped him with my jacket, and ran.
The teacher saw it, so she called us both over for a talk. We thought we would have to listen to the old 'fighting is bad.. dont do it..' speech, and we did, but it was... FUN! Or rather, funny.
Anyway, so she called us over, and gave us a very long talk. I dont remember all of it, but the highlights were (enthusiastically and in a Russian accent):
'now I know that it may be very strange idea for you, but you do NOT HAVE TO FIGHT! (we looked at each other and started to smirk) You can TALK ABOUT it! You can DISCUSS with each other! (she said this like they were totally alien ideas to us, and we were now fighting laughter) You do not have to call each other .. uh.. um, f-word, or..or gay, you can DISCUSS NICELY!! You do not have to fight with each other. We are in war with Iran (no, we're in a war with Iraq you dumbass), but are we blowing them up (yes, we're blowing the **** out of them)? No! We are discuss calmly in UN. We not cursing at them, and we do not hate them. We are very calm.
At this point, our big sibs interrupted, saying 'aww, did our wittle sibbies do anyfink wrong?'
Crazy Russian teacher: Oh, no, no problem, they were just fighting. This one hit this one, but I suspect that the one he hit had something to do with it too, because he say 'touch me again and I turn you into a poseur'. (At this point all four of us were rolling on the ground laughing, I was LITERALLY ROFLing), and so this one want revenge I guess.
Anyway.... thats all I remember, but it was damned funny!
Another true and funny story:
There is a girl in our class who is very violent, and agressive, and beats up people daily. Last week she vowed never to hurt anyone til the end of the year, and she apologized to everyone. When she was apologizing to Blake (who by the way was the person in the crazy Russian teacher incident, besides me), she said 'Blake, Im sorry for any physical harm I may have caused you in this whole year, and I will never do it again, and... yeah. Sorry.
Blake and me and friends sat there for a few seconds, and then Blake pointed out: 'yeah, uhm, your fly is open'.
You can imagine her reaction.
Thats right, she kicked him.
Both of those were soooooo funny! To this day, Blake and I still call each other 'gay' and 'f-word' and try to crush each others hands in handshakes, in memory of the crazy-ass Russian teacher.
One time my friend and I were fighting. Not seriously, just hitting each other.
He stole my jacket, and I snatched it back. He said 'touch me again and I kill you', so I whipped him with my jacket, and ran.
The teacher saw it, so she called us both over for a talk. We thought we would have to listen to the old 'fighting is bad.. dont do it..' speech, and we did, but it was... FUN! Or rather, funny.
Anyway, so she called us over, and gave us a very long talk. I dont remember all of it, but the highlights were (enthusiastically and in a Russian accent):
'now I know that it may be very strange idea for you, but you do NOT HAVE TO FIGHT! (we looked at each other and started to smirk) You can TALK ABOUT it! You can DISCUSS with each other! (she said this like they were totally alien ideas to us, and we were now fighting laughter) You do not have to call each other .. uh.. um, f-word, or..or gay, you can DISCUSS NICELY!! You do not have to fight with each other. We are in war with Iran (no, we're in a war with Iraq you dumbass), but are we blowing them up (yes, we're blowing the **** out of them)? No! We are discuss calmly in UN. We not cursing at them, and we do not hate them. We are very calm.
At this point, our big sibs interrupted, saying 'aww, did our wittle sibbies do anyfink wrong?'
Crazy Russian teacher: Oh, no, no problem, they were just fighting. This one hit this one, but I suspect that the one he hit had something to do with it too, because he say 'touch me again and I turn you into a poseur'. (At this point all four of us were rolling on the ground laughing, I was LITERALLY ROFLing), and so this one want revenge I guess.
Anyway.... thats all I remember, but it was damned funny!
Another true and funny story:
There is a girl in our class who is very violent, and agressive, and beats up people daily. Last week she vowed never to hurt anyone til the end of the year, and she apologized to everyone. When she was apologizing to Blake (who by the way was the person in the crazy Russian teacher incident, besides me), she said 'Blake, Im sorry for any physical harm I may have caused you in this whole year, and I will never do it again, and... yeah. Sorry.
Blake and me and friends sat there for a few seconds, and then Blake pointed out: 'yeah, uhm, your fly is open'.
You can imagine her reaction.
Thats right, she kicked him.
Both of those were soooooo funny! To this day, Blake and I still call each other 'gay' and 'f-word' and try to crush each others hands in handshakes, in memory of the crazy-ass Russian teacher.
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Rogue Ssv
Thats sig material
You just got pwnd by the bullies!!!
Similar threads
