Well... OK... I copied + pasted them off of a local radio station site. But, oh well.
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat.
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There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
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A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
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At the beginning of my shift the doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," he instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
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When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son also overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day when mother and son were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
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Late one Saturday evening, a woman was awakened by the ringing of the phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice she said "Hello."
The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Pam, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, OK?"
Since the woman who had answered the phone didn't have any daughters, she instantly knew it was a wrong number. "I'm sorry, dear," she said into the phone, "I don't have a daughter named Pam."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I knew you were going to be mad, but I didn't think you'd be this mad."
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It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
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There was a lonely guy who decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. It came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the park.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the park with me?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the park with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede?s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the park with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."
The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint
my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly
responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint
and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the
conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes
all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical,
isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time
later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint
leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his
pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
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A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. Stephen Harper was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Martin thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those jackasses deducted $95 in taxes."
