Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
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Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning she comments how lovely it looks.
The new maid pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
The new maid pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
- 1,759
kranzx
- 12,298
- Ealing-London
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "WATSON YOU IDIOT, SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR TENT!!!!"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "WATSON YOU IDIOT, SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR TENT!!!!"
Danoff
Premium
- 34,044
- Mile High City
Two Bananas are floating down the river in inner tubes when they see a turd float by. The turd calls out to the Bananas "Hey! There's a waterfall downstream, we've got to get out of the river!"
One of the Bananas turns to the other and says "Do you believe that ****?"
One of the Bananas turns to the other and says "Do you believe that ****?"
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Irish man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking attractive, I'll go home."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Irish man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking attractive, I'll go home."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."
- 2,760
A guy walks into a bar with a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, "Can I get a pint, and one for the road?"
CAMAROBOY69
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- 18,567
- Michigan
- CAMAROBOY69
WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "OOOH, GROSS! Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "OOOH, GROSS! Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"
CAMAROBOY69
Premium
- 18,567
- Michigan
- CAMAROBOY69
DQuaN
👍
Blackbird.
Premium
- 9,347
- Bay Area
- BlackbirdGTP
- Blackbird5150
My breakfast had an arguement this morning... They said: "Snap, Crackle, and **** you."
- 5,753
I used my stepladder the other day, my real ladder left us when I was 2.
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Blonde's Year in Review:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
- 4,522
- TwinTurboJay
danoffShe sounds pretty.
👍
- 2,760
RO_JA
Ahhh, vintage Carlin. Excellent. 👍
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
Most remember from their school days of having to read and then submit
a book report on what they had read. I wonder what kind of reception this
would have received during your time in school? Students were assigned
to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they
were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this
report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:.....Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic:.....The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.....Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull*t artist.
Titanic:.....In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:.....During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:.....Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:.....Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:.....Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.....Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:.....Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
a book report on what they had read. I wonder what kind of reception this
would have received during your time in school? Students were assigned
to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they
were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this
report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:.....Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic:.....The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.....Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull*t artist.
Titanic:.....In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:.....During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:.....Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:.....Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:.....Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.....Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:.....Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
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