- 5,753
FatAssBR
****ing South Americans ruining the jokes.
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,449 views
****ing South Americans ruining the jokes.
- 5,753
A woman gave birth and the doctor walked over to the happy couple,
"We got some good news, and some bad news" Said the doctor and the mother asked for the bad news first whilst holding onto her husbands hand.
"Ok, the bad news is that your baby is an Argentinian and has blonde hair." Replied the doctor. Looking a bit surprised the father asked "Whats the good news then?"
And the doctor replied, "Well the good news is that its dead."
There.
"We got some good news, and some bad news" Said the doctor and the mother asked for the bad news first whilst holding onto her husbands hand.
"Ok, the bad news is that your baby is an Argentinian and has blonde hair." Replied the doctor. Looking a bit surprised the father asked "Whats the good news then?"
And the doctor replied, "Well the good news is that its dead."
There.
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
1
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?".
The salesperson annoyingly answers:"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and
One of Ken's Friends.
2
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his
bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He
had left was a thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while
standing up.
It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one
of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man
should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God
that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place ---first on
the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to
see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the
while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God
3
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her
on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control
top pantyhose". While this was on the edge of Intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke wife with a pinch on each on her breasts and
said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his
dick.
With a death grip in place, she said "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."
4
FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact
on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in
her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they
do??? - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
5
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, and
Early-ish 80's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar
in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.
We were given cowboy guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks
and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke
out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The town football club had tryout for the junior team and not everyone made
the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine
that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
6
You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
7
A man and his wife were sitting in the loungeroom when he turns to her and says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?".
The salesperson annoyingly answers:"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and
One of Ken's Friends.
2
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his
bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He
had left was a thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while
standing up.
It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one
of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man
should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God
that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place ---first on
the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to
see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the
while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God
3
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her
on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control
top pantyhose". While this was on the edge of Intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke wife with a pinch on each on her breasts and
said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his
dick.
With a death grip in place, she said "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."
4
FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact
on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in
her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they
do??? - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
5
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, and
Early-ish 80's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar
in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.
We were given cowboy guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks
and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke
out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The town football club had tryout for the junior team and not everyone made
the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine
that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
6
You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
7
A man and his wife were sitting in the loungeroom when he turns to her and says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
Ok, I'm ignorant... there's no such thing as ^
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
Finishing her bath, the wife stands in front of the mirror and comments to her husband she thinks her breasts are too small. Instead of the usual "No honey, of course they're not" answer, the husband suggests:
"Honey, if you want bigger breasts here's what you do: every day get a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them."
Willing to try anything, she stands in front of the mirror rubbing toilet paper between her breasts.
"How long does it take for them to get bigger?" She asks.
"They'll get bigger in a few years." He says.
So she stops and asks: "Do you really think if I rub some toilet paper between my breasts every day they'll get bigger in a few years?"
"It worked with your butt, didn't it?"
"Honey, if you want bigger breasts here's what you do: every day get a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them."
Willing to try anything, she stands in front of the mirror rubbing toilet paper between her breasts.
"How long does it take for them to get bigger?" She asks.
"They'll get bigger in a few years." He says.
So she stops and asks: "Do you really think if I rub some toilet paper between my breasts every day they'll get bigger in a few years?"
"It worked with your butt, didn't it?"
- 8,707
- Utah
- ceiling_fan
Good one.
- 6,331
- Banbury, UK
- Uberbee
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her and says "Iron This *****!"
- 3,603
Revived!!
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sarah, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. girl is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sarah saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sarah. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s*** to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili #8
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Wow... CollegeHumor's website is amazing.
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sarah, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. girl is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sarah saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sarah. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s*** to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili #8
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Wow... CollegeHumor's website is amazing.
- 3,879
- thevonsteinery
So a guy walks into a bar with his giraffe. When he goes to sit down at a table, the giraffe bumps it's head and is knocked unconscious. The bartender soon comes over and says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' around here."
And the man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a griaffe."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry.
And the man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a griaffe."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry.
- 8,707
- Utah
- ceiling_fan
Posts 257 and 258 are really good.
Chili #6 is hilarious.
Chili #6 is hilarious.
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
- 6,131
- London
- SomaEightyFour
- MrVerloc
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Lulu
Guy1: What's that behind your ear?
Guy2: My hearing aid?
Guy1: But it's a piece of pork skin?
Guy2: I know.
Guy1: How is it, anyway?
Guy2: It's crackling.
Douglas
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Lulu
Guy1: What's that behind your ear?
Guy2: My hearing aid?
Guy1: But it's a piece of pork skin?
Guy2: I know.
Guy1: How is it, anyway?
Guy2: It's crackling.
- 287
- Coltster2003
*laughing* *faints* This is so funny, I can't control my laughter!
- 531
The hearing aid one is great!
- 745
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.
- 87,582
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
Christmas carols for the unsound-of-mind:
* 1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
* 1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
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