Jokes!!

[911_Carrera]

Isn't there a punchline missing there?

 

[MagpieRacer]

I think it was quite funny

 

[Magic069]

^^ why did I read that?

cause you started and couldn't stop.

 

[TwinTurboJay]

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"



RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"






G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."



RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"



G: "Crisp will be fine."



RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"



G: "What?"



RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"



G: "I don't think so."



RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"



G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."



RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"



G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.



Yes, an English muffin will be fine."



RS: "We bodder?"



G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."



RS: "Wad?"



G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."



RS: "Copy?"



G: "Excuse me?"



RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"



G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."



RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"



G: "Whatever you say."



RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."



G : "You're very welcome."

Thats funny for so many reasons

 

[livemusic]

The blonde and the puzzle:

The blonde calls to her boyfriend's cell phone:
- Honey, hi, it's me. I got a big problem.
- What happened?
- I bought a puzzle, but it's too difficult. The pieces won't connect each other.
- Honey, I taught you a lot of different puzzles already, right? I always tell you to start with the edges, remember?
- Yes, I do, but I can´t find the edges.
- Ok, what´s the figure? There must be a picture on the box.
- It's a tiger.
- Tiger? I don't remember this one. I'm going over there, wait up.

When he gets to her house, she takes him to the kitchen and shows him the puzzle on the table. He looks, shakes his head, cries, and says:

-Goddammit! Put the corn flakes back in the box!

 

[ND4SPD]

Ok this one includes two Newfies...Umm the Canadians in the here would get it...

Ok two newfies are workign on the roof of a building and their ladders blows off the edge. The one newfie says "how are gonna get down" The other newfie replies "Wait let me shine my flashlight and you can slide down the beam of light" The other newfie says.."shut up! You'll just turn off the light when I'm half way down"

2 blonde jokes for your pleasure...

2 Blondes are speeding down the highway, one blonde says to the other blonde " look behind us are their any cops?" The other blonde says "yes!" The other blonde replies "are the cops lights on or off?" The other blonde replies "yes, no, yes, no yes, no......"

2 blondes are walking on a snowy trail. They stumble upon some tracks. One blonde thinks its deer tracks, the other thinks its fox tracks...They argue for over an hour until they were struck by a train...

 

[Electric.......]

2 flies were riding a motorcycle,but suddenly one screamed:
STOP!!!!!!!!!STOP!!!!!!!!!! I have a FLY in my eye!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[skip0110]

Repost? maybe. who cares.

Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

 

[High-Test]

Roy Cohn was a homosexual, right?

No wonder they called McCarthy Tailgunner Joe!




That was wrong.

 

[Touring Mars]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are lost in the desert, with only a small amount of water, and they are slowly starving to death. Then, as if by a miracle, they stumble across the carcass of an animal, and promptly decide to eat it. But being argumentative chaps, they can't decide on who should get what bits of the animal. The Englishman says, "OK, because I support Liverpool, I'll have the liver...", the Scotsman says "Fine... and I support Hearts, so I'm having the heart.", And the Irishman says, "I support Arsenal, and I'm not hungry any more."

 

[skip0110]

Viagra Eye Drops - They don't do anything for your sex life, they just make you look hard!

 

[F1GTR]

There once was a filthy rich man who had loads of money, a big house, and lots of women. In fact, he had everything his life he was a complete bore. To fight it off, he would have annual parties that were just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous debauchery. Yet he was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles.

Halfway through the bacchanalia he announced, "Anyone who can swim across my pool and get out to the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence, nobody took his dare. He spiced up the offer, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence.

Spicing up the offer even more, he threw in not only his house, his investments, and stocks—he threw in all his money as well. Suddenly, there was a loud splash. A man was fighting for his life with the crocodiles. The struggle was bloody but the man managed to swim across the pool and get out alive, half dead with an arm and a leg chomped off from his torso.

"Oh my God," said the rich man, "that was incredible! When do you want the house?" "I don't want the house," said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" The man said he didn't want it either. "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't want your stocks and investments," the brave man added. "Well, what do you want, then?" the rich guy, perplexed, asked. The man replied: "I want the jerk that pushed me in."




A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on-and she's a nun. "Sister, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you," he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God," she replies and then leaves. The bus driver turns to the guy and says, "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about the nun's daily 3PM confession. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy and excited. The next day at three the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness, he says, "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies, "Well if God has said it, we must do it.

However, because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise, I'm the bus driver."



An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Pinoy samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his sword and-swish!-the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. The Pinoy samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword.

SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead." "Anak ng…,"(translated it means "Son of a...") replied the Pinoy samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision...that takes skill!"



There lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. Unfortunately, they made her pass so much gas each time.

So when she met the man she would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months after her wedding, her car broke down on the way home from work. She called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she stopped at a diner, and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she farted, and upon arriving home she felt sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and said, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned, then went to answer the telephone.

While her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifting her weight to one leg and letting it rip. I was loud, and smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk. She shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. She went on like this for another 10 minutes!

When her husband's call ended, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin. He removed the blindfold, and she saw 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday!"

 

[skip0110]

Last one is good 👍

 

[benzoboy]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are lost in the desert, with only a small amount of water, and they are slowly starving to death. Then, as if by a miracle, they stumble across the carcass of an animal, and promptly decide to eat it. But being argumentative chaps, they can't decide on who should get what bits of the animal. The Englishman says, "OK, because I support Liverpool, I'll have the liver...", the Scotsman says "Fine... and I support Hearts, so I'm having the heart.", And the Irishman says, "I support Arsenal, and I'm not hungry any more."

Old 👎

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were in jail and they were trying to think of ways to break out, so the Englishman shouts 'Tornado!' To distract the guards and give him the chance to escape, it worked, and the Scotsman and Irishman were left on their own, the Scotsman shouts 'Earthquake!' To distract the guards and escape, he does, and the Irishman is on his own, so he shouts 'Fire!' And, well, you know what happens next...

And...

What do you call a man in a bath with no arms or legs?




Bob...

 

[somebody]

I'm too lazy to go back through all the jokes and see if these ones have been said before...

1-
A young guy from the country moves to the big city and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

2-
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

...Thanks to the forums at rpmlive.tv for those jokes

 

[Small_Fryz]

Very nice! 👍

 

[skip0110]

Eh:

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[amp88]

Old 👎

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were in jail and they were trying to think of ways to break out, so the Englishman shouts 'Tornado!' To distract the guards and give him the chance to escape, it worked, and the Scotsman and Irishman were left on their own, the Scotsman shouts 'Earthquake!' To distract the guards and escape, he does, and the Irishman is on his own, so he shouts ' Prisoners ecaping!' And, well, you know what happens next...

"Fire!" makes more sense , considering the joke's supposed to be in front of a firing line...

 

[turboash78]

Whats the difference between a puppy and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.


I'm a sick bastard.

 

[benzoboy]

"Fire!" makes more sense , considering the joke's supposed to be in front of a firing line...

Ahhh yes, that's what it was, I heard it ages ago and I couldn't think what it was

 

[Zardoz]

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were discussing the human body and how it was designed.

"An electrical engineer must have done it", said the EE. "Its got low-voltage wiring and connections throughout every bit of it."

"Yeah, but look at all the joints and support structures", said the ME. "Got to be the work of a mechanical engineer."

"No way", said the CE. "Had to have been done by a civil engineer. Who else would design a sewer system running right through a recreational area?"

 

[F1GTR]

Okay, two Irish brothers walk by a bar, pfft yeah right.




Subject: Engineers



Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
************************************************** *************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
************************************************** *************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes
the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

************************************************** *************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build
targets.

************************************************** *******************

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

************************************************** *************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible Designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the
joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousand electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline right next to a recreational area?"

************************************************** *************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"

************************************************** **********************

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

************************************************** ************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for
a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Zardoz has posted a joke similar to one of those. ^^

 

[crimson_menace]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Only two, but no one knows how they got in there!

Ba-dum-chink!

 

[Vonie]

Whats the difference between an pregnant woman and a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can unscrew a light bulb.

 

[Master_Yoda]

Whats the difference between an pregnant woman and a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can unscrew a light bulb.

lol:


here i have a couple...



The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"






(this one has bad language) (in advance sorry mods 👍 )

Two men are walking down the street...

I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.

 

[skip0110]

Those engineer ones were top notch 👍

 

[F1GTR]

A guy gets on a plane and finds him himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. “You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk”.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK”, says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff…… grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea”.

“So tell me”, says the blonde, “how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know s***?”

 

[Famine]

Which reminds me...

A Texan girl and a New York girl are sitting on a bus. Being the friendly type, the Texan girl decides to strike up a conversation.
"So where y'all from?", she enquires.
"From a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition", replies the New York girl.
Taken aback, the Texan girl thinks for a moment.
"So," she says. "Where y'all from, b***h?"



A bloke goes into a zoo. None of the enclosures contain any animals, but for one small cage with a little dog in it.

It's a Shi'tzu.

 

[skip0110]

A bloke goes into a zoo. None of the enclosures contain any animals, but for one small cage with a little dog in it.

It's a Shi'tzu.

ha! HA!

 

[benzoboy]

Whats the difference between a puppy and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.


I'm a sick bastard.

Wow, and I actually laughes at that, I'm a sick b*stard too