Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,591 views
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Very funny 
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
13 tips for your boss
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover
behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is a
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of
living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover
behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is a
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of
living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then
went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No offense to all the (seriously cool) aussies here
:
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped, and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the freaking thing about half an hour ago!"
The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then
went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No offense to all the (seriously cool) aussies here
:An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped, and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the freaking thing about half an hour ago!"
- 5,622
- eMadman
I chose the wrong conversation to use it in, but still...skip0110we had better get updates on how it went
[10:40:59 PM] amber ...: watch dep housewives, ull like eva longoria
[10:42:04 PM] amber ...: haha, the funniest thing, this guy at the
poster place was looking thru posters trying to buy one
and he stopped at this brad pitt one, asked me if i
wanted it, as iff all girls craazy abt him......im only
a *lil* crazy about him
[10:44:07 PM] www.themadma: hehehe
[10:44:12 PM] www.themadma: btw
[10:44:22 PM] www.themadma: I'm not about to start watching desparate
housewives
[10:45:35 PM] amber ...: think about it , eva longoria
[10:45:42 PM] amber ...: making out with
[10:45:47 PM] amber ...: jesse metcalf
[10:45:50 PM] amber ...: (L)
[10:45:54 PM] amber ...:
[10:46:43 PM] www.themadma: umm
[10:46:44 PM] www.themadma: nah
[10:46:57 PM] amber ...: then ur gay
[10:46:58 PM] amber ...:
[10:47:01 PM] www.themadma: btw, I never knew you get hot off of Eva
[10:47:09 PM] amber ...: ohh yesss
[10:47:20 PM] amber ...: she soo effing hott
[10:47:21 PM] amber ...: im bi btw
[10:47:27 PM] www.themadma: well, good for you
[10:47:30 PM] amber ...: thanku
[10:47:38 PM] www.themadma: find another friend, bring her to my
place
[10:47:41 PM] www.themadma: we'll have some fun
[10:48:02 PM] amber ...: no threesomes
[10:48:05 PM] www.themadma: fine
[10:48:11 PM] www.themadma: wanna give me a cron job every night at
2?
[10:48:37 PM] amber ...: first make me happy
[10:48:57 PM] www.themadma: hmm, how should I go about doing that?
[10:49:06 PM] amber ...: find a way
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
the only things I can think of require us being in the same place at the same time
amber ... says:
ah, sad
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
naah
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
now
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
here's a question
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
what do you think a cron job is?
amber ... says:
i know
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
wow, now that's surprising
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
you truly are a geek
amber ... says:
lol
amber ... says:
and a nerd
amber ... says:
sighh
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
how did you know?
amber ... says:
just did emadu
www.themadmanproject.net || Wooo! Wordpress Implementation! says:
...the fact that you know about database commands scares me
- 6,041
- Puget Sound
- Crash852
Sunday's sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies:
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the *****es."
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the *****es."
- 1,640
- Tulsa, OK
- SixSpeedZ51
- BlackZ28
Wal-Mart Wine
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering
customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The
world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of
California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the
$2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for
cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said,
"But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served
with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering
customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The
world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of
California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the
$2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for
cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said,
"But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served
with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).
MagpieRacer
Premium
- 17,457
- Wymondham, Norfolk
- Seagull_Racer
I have a joke, i can remove if it is found offiensive.
Apparently Bin laden has been working for Cadbury's chocolate.
Few months ago he had a Double decker and a tube.
Apparently Bin laden has been working for Cadbury's chocolate.
Few months ago he had a Double decker and a tube.
Young_Warrior
(Banned)
- 2,285
Thats a crap joke I must say.
MagpieRacer
Premium
- 17,457
- Wymondham, Norfolk
- Seagull_Racer
Young_Warrior
Oh man im so good, i actually know when your gonna post.
Young_Warrior
(Banned)
- 2,285
Yeah how about I add to our crap joke and post the people that died in the attack. Put some faces to your "joke".
- 3,603
Best story I've read in a while: *Warning* Mild Adult Language & Sexual References.
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show...T=words&NSFW=0&page=1&genre=0&rating=nsfw_sfw
If anyone finds this offensive, then I will take down the link immediately.
**Edit**
Apparently this hotlink doesn't work. Try:
http://www.mentallyincontinent.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=120
Or
http://www.brokennewz.com/displaystory.asp_Q_storyid_E_1047walmart
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show...T=words&NSFW=0&page=1&genre=0&rating=nsfw_sfw
If anyone finds this offensive, then I will take down the link immediately.
**Edit**
Apparently this hotlink doesn't work. Try:
http://www.mentallyincontinent.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=120
Or
http://www.brokennewz.com/displaystory.asp_Q_storyid_E_1047walmart
- 3,603
Another one from Kontraband.com.
Because I'm Blonde?
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
Because I'm Blonde?
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
MagpieRacer
Premium
- 17,457
- Wymondham, Norfolk
- Seagull_Racer
Ever hear about the guy who sniffed curry powder?
Hes currently in a Korma
Hes currently in a Korma
- 4,181
- bboygen / GTP_Gen
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
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