Jokes!!

[jamaican]

^^ ^^

 

[livemusic]

I didn´t get the lesbian vampire´s one, and I have no clue what a chicken wire or a pussywillow are, so I didn´t get both.

 

[a6m5]

I didn´t get the lesbian vampire´s one, and I have no clue what a chicken wire or a pussywillow are, so I didn´t get both.

Lesbian Vampire - You know, that time of the month?
Pussywillow - Never heard of this one, it's an willow, so probably a plant.

 

[livemusic]

Ewwww!

 

[jamaican]

I didn´t get the lesbian vampire´s one, and I have no clue what a chicken wire or a pussywillow are, so I didn´t get both.

chicken wire is like 'mesh', you can look it up on google...

about the joke, when the boy was walking with CHICKENwire, he came back with chickens. when he was walking with DUCT tape, he came back with ducks. and the last time he was walking with PUSSYwillow... so you do the math

 

[DQuaN]

I got the lesbian one beat!

There was once a young vampire called mable,

Whos periods were heavy but stable,

So every full moon,

She pulled out a spoon,

And drank herself under the table!!!

 

[F1GTR]

Read my sig

 

[tait]

I got the lesbian one beat!

There was once a young vampire called mable,

Whos periods were heavy but stable,

So every full moon,

She pulled out a spoon,

And drank herself under the table!!!

Haha, oh so wrong

 

[jamaican]

http://www.reubengathright.com/jpg/ricers/TheFastandtheFuriousComic.htm

 

[LoudMusic]

http://www.reubengathright.com/jpg/ricers/TheFastandtheFuriousComic.htm

I can't believe someone spent that much time on that ... I can't believe I took time to read it.

 

[Max_DC]

(got this one by a friend via icq...)
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

 

[livemusic]

Haha, good one! 👍

ICQ... long time I don´t use it.

 

[DQuaN]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?...............


















































2....................



















































The trick is getting the little bastards in there in the first place!!

 

[ash6660]

Two Burberry wearing 'Redline Magazine' reading Chavs are having a race across a minefield in two identical Ferraris.... who wins?










































Society...

 

[G.T]

Sperm Count

The Doctor's Office: An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.'"

 

[livemusic]

I saw it coming, but funny nonetheless.

 

[zoxxy]

No great jokes, but a6m5's sig cracked me up. 👍

 

[livemusic]

Blind Man

A blind man, without knowing enters a gay women´s bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The drink comes, and after a while he shouts - "Ok, I´m going to tell a blond´s joke!"

A woman standing by him says - "Since you´re blind I should warn you of 5 things before you tell the joke."

1 - The bartender is a blond girl;
2 - The bar´s manager is a blond girl;
3 - I´m a very high and strong blond woman;
4 - There´s a blond woman on your left who happens to be black belt in Karate;
5 - Behind you there´s a blond Kung-Fu teacher woman.

"Do you still want to tell the joke?" - She asks.

He says - "Nah, forget about it. If I´ll have to explain it five times I give up."

 

[rollazn]

Blind Man

A blind man, without knowing enters a gay women´s bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The drink comes, and after a while he shouts - "Ok, I´m going to tell a blond´s joke!"

A woman standing by him says - "Since you´re blind I should warn you of 5 things before you tell the joke."

1 - The bartender is a blond girl;
2 - The bar´s manager is a blond girl;
3 - I´m a very high and strong blond woman;
4 - There´s a blond woman on your left who happens to be black belt in Karate;
5 - Behind you there´s a blond Kung-Fu teacher woman.

"Do you still want to tell the joke?" - She asks.

He says - "Nah, forget about it. If I´ll have to explain it five times I give up."

What's funnier is - that person can't spell blonde correctly.

 

[McLaren]

*cough*

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection, at 3:00 pm." came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection, at 3:30 pm." the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and asked,
"So, What time is your lethal injection.??
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Oh that's disgusting....

 

[a6m5]

Blind Man

A blind man, without knowing enters a gay women´s bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The drink comes, and after a while he shouts - "Ok, I´m going to tell a blond´s joke!"

A woman standing by him says - "Since you´re blind I should warn you of 5 things before you tell the joke."

1 - The bartender is a blond girl;
2 - The bar´s manager is a blond girl;
3 - I´m a very high and strong blond woman;
4 - There´s a blond woman on your left who happens to be black belt in Karate;
5 - Behind you there´s a blond Kung-Fu teacher woman.

"Do you still want to tell the joke?" - She asks.

He says - "Nah, forget about it. If I´ll have to explain it five times I give up."

That's pretty good. 👍 I didn't see that one coming.

 

[MagpieRacer]

Warm and Moist
spacer
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why was the rooster so unhappy?






Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

 

[livemusic]

What's funnier is - that person can't spell blonde correctly.

Actually babelfish tricked me. I started to type the joke with blonde, but I wasn´t sure if it was correct so I typed the Portuguese word on babelfish and the translation came up as blond.

 

[Roo]

Either way works. So says the Oxford Dictionary.

"Blond (of women usu. blonde)"

So there.

 

[Touring Mars]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children?"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Crap!" He says "are you that strip-o-gram from my stag night that I
had on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum!?"

"No," she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher"...

 

[F1GTR]

 

[Lee]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can

The bartender asks, "My goodness, why are you drinking so fast '

The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have "

The bartender asks at him curiosly, "What do you have "

The guy responds, "An empty wallet"

 

[kranzx]

honey, i love you too

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Lee]

honey, i love you too

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

hah hah thats pretty funny

 

[McLaren]

Pretty funny sayings.
Learn Chinese In Five Minutes


That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao


Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka