Jokes!!

[daan]

I don't get the tractor one.

You see "a tractor" sounds like very much like "attract her."

 

[Obelisk]

You see "a tractor" sounds like very much like "attract her."

Like the two members before you didn't say that?

 

[daan]

Like the two members before you didn't say that?

That @Pete05 posted the same thing half an hour after @Conformation had conformed it was kind of my point.

 

[Turbo]

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark-hives.

 

[Leadfoot530]

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark-hives.

Not gonna lie, I got a good chuckle out of that one.

 

[polysmut]

conformed

Interesting wording.

 

[Daniel]

Political opinions are like penises. Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when you whip them out at dinner.

 

[Spitfiredwod]

My love life.

Alright, I have 2 mouths, 4 eyes, half of a nose, and one arm. What am I?

Spoiler

Ugly

 

[LeMansAid]

Political opinions are like penises. Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when you whip them out at dinner.

Armin Meiwes disagrees.

 

[Roo]

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver... so I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[titleguy1]

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

Stunned, the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.

The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.

Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."

The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[homeforsummer]

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, you should apply daily.

 

[Daniel]

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, you should apply daily.

Smooth delivery.

 

[Sprite]

Batman came up to me the other day and smashed me over the head with a vase
"Tpau!!" he shouted
I said "Don't you mean "Kerpow!!"?
"No" he said, "I've got china in my hands"

 

[polysmut]

Batman came up to me the other day and smashed me over the head with a vase
"Tpau!!" he shouted
I said "Don't you mean "Kerpow!!"?
"No" he said, "I've got china in my hands"

I like that one. It was this very thread that taught me it.
https://www.gtplanet.net/forum/threads/jokes.41944/page-133#post-11176340

 

[polysmut]

This year's top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe:

---

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark
Smith

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

---

I think the contact lense one is the best.

2017 results:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

 

[BobK]

2017 results:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Treed

 

[Touring Mars]

2017 results:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Can't say I found #1 funny - #9 is great though!

 

[TB]

Someone want to explain #6 to my idiot friend?

 

[W3H5]

Someone want to explain #6 to my idiot friend?

Harvester is a big chain of pub-style restaurants in the uk.

 

[TB]

Harvester is a big chain of pub-style restaurants in the uk.

Figured it was a Brit thing.

 

[polysmut]

Figured it was a Brit thing.

& a combine harvester is a well known piece of farming machinery. 👍

 

[TB]

& a combine harvester is a well known piece of farming machinery. 👍

I'm from North Dakota. Kids drive them to school instead of cars. Hence my confusion.

 

[LeMansAid]

Considering how many really good Trump jokes have probably been made recently, #2 is a bit number two.

I like #8 though, and can't help wondering if his boys, 5 and 6, know George Costanza's planned offspring named 7.

 

[polysmut]

Considering how many really good Trump jokes have probably been made recently, #2 is a bit number two.

I like #8 though, and can't help wondering if his boys, 5 and 6, know George Costanza's planned offspring named 7.

I've had a fued with the number 8 guy. It makes me think he's not funny.

 

[Roo]

What do we want?
Race car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeooowwwww

 

[Com Fox]

Why was the Feminist picnic a total disaster?

No one wanted to make the sandwiches.

 

[Liquid]

Did you hear about the dissenting atoms who were asked to get back together?

Spoiler

They refused.

 

[INEEDNAWZZZ]

News has come in that David Hasselhoff has shortened his last name to just 'Hoff'. I guess he can't deal with the Hassle anymore.

 

[Turbo]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "wow!" Then her friend says, "she means 666-3629".

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was an Asian man. This was the Asian PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country.

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go **** yourself, these are my chips."