Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,700 comments
- 723,880 views
INEEDNAWZZZ
Premium
- 1,833
- Lincoln
- EGGSBAWCKS
- DigitalLuke64DD
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
I just came up with a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake.
Summer: The only thing that can come early
and not disappoint women.
I just saw a girl who had a beautiful face,
but a huge gut. What a waist !
When the **** hits the fan......................
.................your fetishes have gone way too far.
I just had a moment of clarity.
Glad that's over with.
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong.
Me: There is no strong coffee, just weak people.
In my defense…
I didn't realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I bet you $4,567.00…
you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Hoping to get "till death do us part"…
reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I have really immature friends...
every time I pass out drunk, they draw a forehead on my penis.
If you're behind someone at a cash machine,
let them know you're not a threat...
by gently kissing their neck.
I bought a locket today and put a photo of myself inside...
Now I really am independent.
It was a piece of cake.
Summer: The only thing that can come early
and not disappoint women.
I just saw a girl who had a beautiful face,
but a huge gut. What a waist !
When the **** hits the fan......................
.................your fetishes have gone way too far.
I just had a moment of clarity.
Glad that's over with.
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong.
Me: There is no strong coffee, just weak people.
In my defense…
I didn't realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I bet you $4,567.00…
you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Hoping to get "till death do us part"…
reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I have really immature friends...
every time I pass out drunk, they draw a forehead on my penis.
If you're behind someone at a cash machine,
let them know you're not a threat...
by gently kissing their neck.
I bought a locket today and put a photo of myself inside...
Now I really am independent.
- 20,681
- TenEightyOne
- TenEightyOne
A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents, "This is Amanda".
His dad jumps up and says
"it's a ****ing what!?"
His dad jumps up and says
"it's a ****ing what!?"
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
I went to the doctor’s office and told him,
“I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead went into a bar
and asked the bartender for some drinks.
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7?
How much for the gold circle of death?
Sir, they're called Wedding Rings.
My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...
so i came home with tampons...
I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
I've decided to try my hand at writing diet books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.
I went back to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
"Yes we do." replied the assistant.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"
Only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head...I meant to say head.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Spice up your confession…
by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’.
If the first rule of fight club...
is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead went into a bar
and asked the bartender for some drinks.
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7?
How much for the gold circle of death?
Sir, they're called Wedding Rings.
My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...
so i came home with tampons...
I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
I've decided to try my hand at writing diet books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.
I went back to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
"Yes we do." replied the assistant.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"
Only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head...I meant to say head.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Spice up your confession…
by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’.
If the first rule of fight club...
is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
- 29,855
- Bratvegas
- GTP_Liquid
An Essex girl spots a farmer in his wellies and asks him a question;
"Why have you got L and R written on your boots?"
"Well, it's so I know which boot is the left boot and which boot is the right boot."
"Oh, that must be why my knickers say C&A then!"
"Why have you got L and R written on your boots?"
"Well, it's so I know which boot is the left boot and which boot is the right boot."
"Oh, that must be why my knickers say C&A then!"
- 20,681
- TenEightyOne
- TenEightyOne
I have an addiction to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.
- 20,681
- TenEightyOne
- TenEightyOne
My mate has gone completely bald now but he still keeps the comb he bought twenty years ago. He just can’t part with it.
Turbo
(Banned)
- 3,824
- Elizabeth, New Jersey
Did you hear about that new rock band Iraq & Roll? It was the bomb!
Why are there so many unsolved murder cases in Alabama? Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
Why are New Yorkers the fastest readers? They can go through 100 stories in 5 minutes.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
What's long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
Why are there so many unsolved murder cases in Alabama? Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
Why are New Yorkers the fastest readers? They can go through 100 stories in 5 minutes.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
What's long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why do you want me here only from 10:00am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinkingcoffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why do you want me here only from 10:00am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinkingcoffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
DesertPenguin
(Banned)
- 10,691
- Long Island, New York
- DesertPenguin_
Why did the broom miss school?
He overswept.
He overswept.
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
A man was stopped by the police around 2 AM. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late and the adverse effects they have on the human body."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
- 5,662
- Ohio
What do you call an Oreo that hit the floor?
Flooreo™
Flooreo™
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Never understood why ghosts,,
choose to haunt some beat down old house,,, When I die, Im haunting a Victoria Secret modeling agency..
My wife and I split up over my constant use of horoscope puns...
in the end, it Taurus apart.
Caitlyn Jenner wants to become a super hero
but doesn’t know what group to join...
It's down to either Ex-men or a Trans-former.
I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.
Next, I’m gonna try a fig.
Doctor: are you active sexually?
Me: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write virgin.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type...
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Why did the blonde move to LA?
It was easy to spell.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Never understood why ghosts,,
choose to haunt some beat down old house,,, When I die, Im haunting a Victoria Secret modeling agency..
My wife and I split up over my constant use of horoscope puns...
in the end, it Taurus apart.
Caitlyn Jenner wants to become a super hero
but doesn’t know what group to join...
It's down to either Ex-men or a Trans-former.
I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.
Next, I’m gonna try a fig.
Doctor: are you active sexually?
Me: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write virgin.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type...
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Why did the blonde move to LA?
It was easy to spell.
- 27,217
- United Kingdom
- 4,871
- Kentucky
- barrett5
- BarrettMopar
Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom?
Because freedom rings
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...
...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 10 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 10 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
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