Jokes!!

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kikie
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him: "how would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days"?

To which he replied: that would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Click to expand...
A couple of weeks earlier, the same man had arrived home in a drunken state and with vomit on his shirt. He had strategically placed a £20 note in his shirt pocket so he could say it was somebody else's vomit and that the money was partly to pay for cleaning and partly an apology from the culprit.

"But there are two £20 pound notes in this pocket?" said his confused and dubious wife.

"Oh, yeah" said the drunk husband, "he **** in my pants too."
 
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note … not too romantic and not too personal.


Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


Chris

P.S.: my mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bir of fur showing.
 
A dad takes his son to his first state fair, looking to buy their next horse.

Dad: I'm thinking of buying this horse, son, but before I buy I want to get to know it. So I'll pet around it's face like this. Then I'll rub my hands down it's back gently. Then to see if it has what it takes, I'll rub my hands along its backside.

The son starts to tear up a little.

Son: Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mommy!



Jerome
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all 3, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more.

The bartender says to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time". The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have 2 brothers. 1 is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders 3 pints and drinks the 3 pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh no", he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking.
 
kikie
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all 3, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more.

The bartender says to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time". The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have 2 brothers. 1 is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders 3 pints and drinks the 3 pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh no", he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking.
Click to expand...
:lol: Nice, I'll need to remember this one for future reference...
 
The Most Awkward Gynecologist Visit Ever.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, threw on some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "my, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we"? I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 y.o. daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth"? I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it".

Never going back to that doctor again ... never.
 
kikie
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all 3, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more.

The bartender says to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time". The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have 2 brothers. 1 is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders 3 pints and drinks the 3 pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh no", he says, "everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking.
Click to expand...
I've been telling this one for a couple years now, but I can't for the life of me remember where I heard it the first time. Great joke for sure.

I've got another Irish one I learned from a baseball broadcaster.

-------

Two Irish men are at the bar and one says to the other "You look familiar, where are you from?"

"Well I'm from Ireland, yourself?"

"Me too! Where at in Ireland?"

"Dublin!"

"Now where did you go to high school?"

"St. Joseph's, of course!"

"No kidding, that's my alma mater!"

Just then another man walks up and asks the bartender how his night has been... he replies "The O'Brien twins are drunk out of their minds again".
 
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Heard a funny (but probably pretty old) joke by the legendary snooker player Ray Reardon earlier tonight...

A man was finishing a long day at work, and spoke to his young, beautiful new secretary. "I'm so tired, it's been a really tough week", he said. She replied "I live just around the corner, I can make you a nice cup of coffee back at my place if you like?", and so he accepted her gracious invitation. After a while, he said "That was very nice, thanks, but I better get home - but I'm so hungry and it'll take me almost two hours to get home, what a nightmare!". So his secretary said "Well, why don't you let me cook you something nice and you can eat here before you head home?", so he accepted her gracious invitation to dinner. After dinner, they chatted and had a few glasses of wine, and then a few liqueurs, and eventually they ended up going to bed where they made love. Around midnight, the man realised how late it was and said "Oh my goodness, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me!"... so, he asked his secretary if she had some whisky, and duly poured some on his hands and applied it all over his face like aftershave. He then gets out some billiard chalk and rubs it all over his shirt.

He arrives home about 2 am and his wife is furious. "I'm sorry love" he explains, "but I was tired and hungry, and I have a wonderful new secretary who invited me back to her place for coffee, then we had dinner, and then we had a few drinks, and I ended up making love to her."

"Don't give me that crap!", she replied. "You stink of whisky and you're absolutely covered in billiard chalk... you've been in that bloody snooker club all night again, haven't you!!"
 
Was writing a research paper and had to use the word butt cheek. I wasn't sure on spelling and asked the teacher if it was all one word, or if I should spread them out.
 
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "how would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of hf the corner of his left eye.
 
kikie
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "how would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of hf the corner of his left eye.
Click to expand...
https://www.gtplanet.net/forum/threads/jokes.41944/page-148#post-13389145 :odd:
 
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "ribbit, 9-iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9-iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away and grabs a 9-iron. Boom, he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "wow that is amazing. You must be a lucky frog". The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog". The mand decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit, 3-wood".

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom, a hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the mand has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next"? The frog replies, "ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what"? The frog says, "ribbit, Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "what do you think I should bet"? The frog replies, "ribbit, $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom, tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "frog, I don't know how to pray you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The for replies, "ribbit, kiss me."

He figures, why not? After all the frog did for him, is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old-girl.

"And that your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
 
I came across this joke from another site:

An eccentric billionaire one day decides he'd very much like to have a mural painted on the wall of his mansion's library. So, he duly hires a famous painter.

The billionaire tells the painter, "I want a mural painted on this wall. The conceptual theme for it is Custer's final thoughts as he died. I'll be going on vacation for the weekend, and when I come back, I expect it to be finished!"

Said weekend passes by, and the billionaire returns, expecting a masterpiece to be adorning his wall. But what he's greeted with was a painting that depicted a cow with a halo on top of its head surrounded by a bunch of Indians in various tantric sex positions.

Incensed by what he sees, the billionaire summons the painter and begins shouting his head off. "What is the meaning of this pornographic filth?! This isn't what I asked for! How is this Custer's final thoughts?!"

The painter replies with a smirk on his face: "But sir, you told me the conceptual theme will be Custer's final thoughts, didn't you? So, here it is. Custer was probably thinking, Holy cow, look at all these ****ing Indians!"
 
An older gentleman accidentally overturns his golf car. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out "are you okay? What is your name"?

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks" he replies as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later"?

"That's mighty nice of you", he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it".

Oh, come on now", Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very sexy and very persuasive. John was weak. "Well okay", he finally agreed but the thought to himself, "my wife won't like it".

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, get thanks Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.S I'd best go now" he stammers.

"Don't be silly" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she"

John replies: "still under the cart, I guess".
 
A guy was admitted to the psych ward because he thought he was a worm.
After a whole year of therapy he was cured and allowed to go home.
The moment he wanted to go outside to go home he froze because he saw chickens in front of the mental hospital.
The doctor saw this and asked the guy why he stopped.

Doctor: "Why did you stop"?
The guy: "Look, chickens"!
Doctor: "But you're cured, you know you aren't a worm anymore.
The guy: "I know, but do the chickens know?
 
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Buddy and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year Edna would say "Buddy, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Buddy always replied, "I know honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks".

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Edna said, "Buddy, I'm 85 years old and if I don't ride that helicopter I might never get another chance".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you a penny. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".

Boddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed the pilot turned to Edna and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell about, but you didn't. I'm impressed".

Edna replied, "well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Buddy fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks".
 
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio whilst eating their breakfast.

They heard the announcer say that there was going to be 8 - 10inches of snow that morning and would all residents pleas park their cars on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplows could get through.

So the good wife gets up and moves her car.
The following week, they are both again eating breakfast when it comes on the radio that today we will be expecting 10 - 12 inches of snow and please park all cars on the odd side of the street to allow the snowplow through.

The good wife again goes out to move her car.

A week goes by when another announcement over the radio states that this time we are expecting over 14 inches of snow and would residents kindly park ....

The power goes out. The good wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face says to her husband "I don't know what to do, which side of the street do I park on to allow the snowplow through"?

At this point the husband with love and understanding in his voice calmly comforts his blonde wife and says "why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time".
 
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you ... don't bother coming after me". Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him well towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She is finally gone ... yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that ... French nightie. I love you ... can't wait to see you ... we'll do all the naughty things you like".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread, be back in five minutes".
 
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife"? They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, but gentle, don't make a bad situation worse."Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me".

So, Pasquale goes over to Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Pasquale declares, "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home".

"Tell him to drop dead", yells the wife.

"Okay," Pasquale said, "I'll go tell him".
 
kikie
The Most Awkward Gynecologist Visit Ever.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, threw on some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "my, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we"? I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 y.o. daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth"? I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it".

Never going back to that doctor again ... never.
Click to expand...

A wife's husband is a gynecologist, her exam is due, so she slips him a note. During the exam he is surprised to find something, pulls it out and the note says, "We've been trying to reach you about your car's warranty."


Jerome
 
Jack is sitting at the bar staring at his drink.

A big truck driver sits down next to him, reaches over to grab Jack's drink and downs it in a single swig.
Jack starts crying.

Touched by this, the truck driver tells him he's only kidding and will buy him another drink.

Jack says that it isn't the drink he's crying about r but rather he's been reflecting on the worst day of his life.

The truck driver asks "what happened to make this such a terrible day"? Jack says, "I was late for work today, and my boss fired me.

I left work to drive home and found my car was stolen, so I took a taxi home. When we arrived, I realized my wallet was in the car, so I went into my house to get money to pay the tax driver.

I found my wife in bed with my best friend.

I grabbed some money and took the taxi back to this bar. And while I'm sitting here, thinking about ending it all, you come in and drink my poison ....".
 

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