- 971
- Bomberang
Nice one Mclaren, bet once those guys figure out that they were both duped into beating the crap out of each other they will hate your guts even more. Keep it up! 
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,647 views
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Mclaren didnt actually do that, he took it from another site...
- 35,463
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
Not a joke per se, but I found it amusing. Of course it'll end up only being funny to me as it was my 3 year old that said it.
Last week we were on vacation and my son was constantly asking questions about everything, as 3 year olds do. For a while I was content with answering them, but a man can only take so much. I told him to not ask me any more questions for a while. Without missing a beat, he immediately asked "Can I ask mom a question?"
Last week we were on vacation and my son was constantly asking questions about everything, as 3 year olds do. For a while I was content with answering them, but a man can only take so much. I told him to not ask me any more questions for a while. Without missing a beat, he immediately asked "Can I ask mom a question?"
- 1,250
Ha ha *McLaren*!!!! Your a funny one!!!!!!The one with slapping Hilary Clinton was also hilarious.
Larry the Cable Guy:
You better watch out
I think she's a guy
I'm not sure but I'm telling you why
Hilary Clinton's coming to town
Larry the Cable Guy:
You better watch out
I think she's a guy
I'm not sure but I'm telling you why
Hilary Clinton's coming to town
MagpieRacer
Premium
- 17,461
- Wymondham, Norfolk
- Seagull_Racer
Couple of jokes my dad told me relating to last nights football.
Arsenal set up a helpline for depressed fans after losing to tottenham.
Heres the number: 0800 5 1 5 1 5 1
What do Theo Walcott and titanic have in common?
Neiher of them should have left Southampton.
Arsenal set up a helpline for depressed fans after losing to tottenham.
Heres the number: 0800 5 1 5 1 5 1
What do Theo Walcott and titanic have in common?
Neiher of them should have left Southampton.
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses . . . . . .until they stop running.
2.Strike while the . . . . . . .bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before . . . . .Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of . . . . . .termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but . . . . . . How?
6.Don't bite the hand that . . . . . .looks dirty.
7.No news is . . . . . .impossible
8.A miss is as good as a . . . . . .Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new . . . . . .Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . . .stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust . . . . .Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the . . . . .pigs.
13.An idle mind is . . . . .the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's . . . . .pollution.
15.Happy the bride who . . . . . .gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is . . . . .not much.
17.Two's company, three's . . . . .the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . . .you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . . .You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as . . . . .Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not . . . . .spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed . . . . .get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you . . . . . See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind . . . . .get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand . . . . . is going to poop on you.
26.Better late than . . . . . . Pregnant
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses . . . . . .until they stop running.
2.Strike while the . . . . . . .bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before . . . . .Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of . . . . . .termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but . . . . . . How?
6.Don't bite the hand that . . . . . .looks dirty.
7.No news is . . . . . .impossible
8.A miss is as good as a . . . . . .Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new . . . . . .Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . . .stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust . . . . .Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the . . . . .pigs.
13.An idle mind is . . . . .the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's . . . . .pollution.
15.Happy the bride who . . . . . .gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is . . . . .not much.
17.Two's company, three's . . . . .the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . . .you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . . .You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as . . . . .Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not . . . . .spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed . . . . .get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you . . . . . See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind . . . . .get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand . . . . . is going to poop on you.
26.Better late than . . . . . . Pregnant
- 5,753
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
------------------------------------------------
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm having a party Friday night ... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
------------------------------------------------
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm having a party Friday night ... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
- 5,481
- Seattle, WA
- RykonZero
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
Three blonds were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blonds all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blond immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blond hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blond, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blond sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blond said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?
"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blonds all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blond immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blond hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blond, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blond sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blond said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?
"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
- 38,958
- Application hell
- MP-Omnis
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Gastrologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
The Gastrologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
- 1,250
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
I liked this one:
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, and just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to ... "
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
"Bathtub, couch, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes ... . Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, and just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to ... "
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
"Bathtub, couch, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes ... . Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!
- 29,384
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
- 2,604
- Banbaria.
- GTP_Venari
- 3,603
An Electrician, a Carpenter, and a Dentist were the groom's best men. Before the wedding, they were discussing what pranks they could pull on the newlywed couple.
"I can saw the slats in their bed", mused the Carpenter.
"I'll wire their bed, with AC of course" promised the Electrician.
The dentist, however, wouldn't commit.
A few days later, they each got a note, reading
'The sawn slats were funny. The shock in bed was a bit of a setback. But I'm going to kill whoever put Novocain in my condoms.'
"I can saw the slats in their bed", mused the Carpenter.
"I'll wire their bed, with AC of course" promised the Electrician.
The dentist, however, wouldn't commit.
A few days later, they each got a note, reading
'The sawn slats were funny. The shock in bed was a bit of a setback. But I'm going to kill whoever put Novocain in my condoms.'
Roo
Premium
- 7,446
- Hampshire, UK
- GTP_Roo
In a similar vein:
Important news for those investing in the Far East
'Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.'
- 2,604
- Banbaria.
- GTP_Venari
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,
"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,
"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!
- 5,076
- GTPLoon
- D1 Loon
This is a joke I got from the video below.
If a man in the woods says something, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Through the entire video he cracks jokes, and it is worth a watch purely for his opinions on things, many of which do seem to have alot of truth to them.
Anyways, I thought that joke was pretty good.
If a man in the woods says something, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Through the entire video he cracks jokes, and it is worth a watch purely for his opinions on things, many of which do seem to have alot of truth to them.
Anyways, I thought that joke was pretty good.
- 3,534
- London
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no flashy gifts, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March!
It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
http://www.steakandbjday.com/
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no flashy gifts, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March!
It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
http://www.steakandbjday.com/
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
Some simple Norwegian jokes.
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole said, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street "
The operator said, "How do you spell that?" and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
When he came back on and he said, "I dragged
her over to Oak St , that's O-A-K."
------------------------------------------------
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
------------------------------------------------
Ole died.
So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
------------------------------------------------
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter"
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And my favorite Polish joke, even though I've posted it before, I still love it.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole said, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street "
The operator said, "How do you spell that?" and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
When he came back on and he said, "I dragged
her over to Oak St , that's O-A-K."
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Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Ole died.
So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
------------------------------------------------
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter"
------------------------------------------------
And my favorite Polish joke, even though I've posted it before, I still love it.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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