Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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Why men don't write advice columns.



Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Susie Fox




Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Ted
 
Yup. That's the actual application to USC.

If i were trying to get into USC, id laugh at that application.

Has anyone heard of the new Pollock space program? They say they will go to the sun. How you ask? They say they got it covered. Theyre going at night.
 
It seems to be a variation of that one where the guy asks for advice to the column, I'm pretty sure it was posted in this same thread. And it's funnier.
 
What do you call a pigeon with four legs? A Stool Pigeon!

MMMBWABWABWABWABWABWABWA!
 
The surrealist one reminds me of this old chestnut:

Q: What is the difference between a duck?

A: One of its legs is both the same.



But I have no new jokes funnier than the current government of the UK.
 
What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and the England squad?

Hamilton will have a McLaren next season.
 
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bath with brightly coloured machine-tools.
OH YES! LuftROFL! That's going in my sig from now on.
 
Probably a repost or old but...

If a girl with tits can work at hooters shouldn't a girl with one leg work at ihop?
 
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) Two - one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
b) None, they only screw the poor.
 
^Not sure if that's really suitable for GTPlanet ;)

Just don't think you should risk an infraction for it...
 
This is one i heard recently, its from family guy:

God told peter to come fourth.
Peter came fifth and won a toaster!
 
Here's a really bad one:

What do you call a female fabric?
-There are female fabrics?

Note: The answer is supposed to be Polly Esther)

My little brother told me that one a while back.
 
A motorcyclist hit a woman here recently. He went to jail for it as well. To be honest I have no sympathy for him, what the hell was he doing riding a bike in the kitchen anyway?


Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
 
A man and his wife decide to visit an art gallery. Whilst strolling amogst famous art the couple come across a painting of a naked woman, with leaves covering up her private parts. The woman walks off momentarily and notices her husband has not followed.
"Come on, what are you waiting for?" She asked










"Autumn" He replied
(fall for the americans)
 
A motorcyclist hit a woman here recently. He went to jail for it as well. To be honest I have no sympathy for him, what the hell was he doing riding a bike in the kitchen anyway?


Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

A man and his wife decide to visit an art gallery. Whilst strolling amogst famous art the couple come across a painting of a naked woman, with leaves covering up her private parts. The woman walks off momentarily and notices her husband has not followed.
"Come on, what are you waiting for?" She asked










"Autumn" He replied
(fall for the americans)

:lol: very good
 
WalMart will be selling teddy bears at half price from now on. Apparently they are not allowed to make a profit out of them any more.
 
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only some underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
 
One day when Father Chrsitmas was 14 years old, he was at his school sitting a Science exam, when suddenly he got very stuck on a question. It was...

'What is the perodioc symbol for water'?

Father Christmas thought for a minute, then wrote down in the answer space 'H2ho'.
 
What car does Father Christmas drive...

A Ho, Ho, Hommer H3!



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