- 975
- Seattle
- BayConRong
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,635 views
- 29,383
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Don't give up the day job, BayCon 
- 235
Dunno if this has been done, but it would take a while to read through 860+ posts so here goes:
A man with no legs is at a bus stop.
The bus pulls up and the conductor says, " Hello mate, how're you getting on?"
A man with no legs is at a bus stop.
The bus pulls up and the conductor says, " Hello mate, how're you getting on?"
- 1,825
- Icehawk_9
- 1,825
- Icehawk_9
This really isnt a joke, but it made me laugh.
I was doing mablibs for fun, and at the end of this one entitled "tenis" it read;
And if you win, you must remember to run up and leap cautiously over the pencil. then slap your opponent on the doorknob and say "This Is SPARTA!
the beginning isnt funny, but i like the sparta bit.
I was doing mablibs for fun, and at the end of this one entitled "tenis" it read;
And if you win, you must remember to run up and leap cautiously over the pencil. then slap your opponent on the doorknob and say "This Is SPARTA!
the beginning isnt funny, but i like the sparta bit.
- 5,481
- Seattle, WA
- RykonZero
what is Tenis? is it... oh, wait im not allowed to say that.
- 520
- MKV57
I don't know if it's been posted before, but this is my favorite joke so far:
Comedy Central
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
A woman walks in to the kitchen and finds her husband stalking about with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Hunting flies"
"Oh. Kill any?"
"Yep," he says, "three males and two females"
Intrigued, she asks, "How can you tell them apart?"
"Three were an a beer can, two were on the phone"
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Hunting flies"
"Oh. Kill any?"
"Yep," he says, "three males and two females"
Intrigued, she asks, "How can you tell them apart?"
"Three were an a beer can, two were on the phone"
- 3,534
- London
A couple go for a date together - ate out at a fancy restaurant, went to the cinema and had a wee drive round the countryside. So they park up at a lay by and the guy starts rubbing her leg. She sighs and says "I haven't been totally honest with you here - i'm a prostitute and if you wanna have sex with me it'll cost you £30"
The guy's tuts and sighs "Just my luck..." but gives her the £30 anyways and she shows him a good time. She says "I've had a really lovely date with you, could you take me home please?"
This time its the guy that sighs and says "Love i've not been totally honest with you either - i'm a taxi driver and if you're wanting home it'll cost £40"
The guy's tuts and sighs "Just my luck..." but gives her the £30 anyways and she shows him a good time. She says "I've had a really lovely date with you, could you take me home please?"
This time its the guy that sighs and says "Love i've not been totally honest with you either - i'm a taxi driver and if you're wanting home it'll cost £40"
- 5,833
- Right behind you
- SRV2NV
BAHAhahahahaha 
Classic!
Classic!That's gold, man. 👍
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
A man enters the pub and notices a big vase on the corner, filled with money. Curious, he asks the bartender what that vase is for.
- Well, you put ten bucks inside it, and if you pass three tests you can have all the money for yourself.
- Really? What are these tests?
- Money first. That's the rule.
So the man puts ten bucks into the vase. The bartender says:
- Ok, here's what you'll have to do:
First, you're gonna drink this whole bottle of peppered tequila at once non stop.
Second, there's a pit bull outside with a bad tooth that hurts a lot. You'll have to pull it off with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 years old lady upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her entire life. You'll have to have sex with her until you give her an orgasm.
- I can't do all these tasks. It's impossible!
A few hours and lots of beer later, the man asks:
- Wheeerrrre'z tha teqquiiillazzz?
The bartender gives him the bottle. He grabs it with both hands and drinks the whole bottle at once. He puts the tequila bottle back at the table, stands up a little dizzy, stares at everyone inside the pub with a brave look, and goes outside for the pit bull.
Everyone can listen to the dog barking, the man's screams, a whole mess. This goes on for a few minutes, until they hear a very long howling from the dog, and after that there was silence.
The man enters the pub again, all beaten up, and asks:
- Now where's that old lady with the bad tooth?
- Well, you put ten bucks inside it, and if you pass three tests you can have all the money for yourself.
- Really? What are these tests?
- Money first. That's the rule.
So the man puts ten bucks into the vase. The bartender says:
- Ok, here's what you'll have to do:
First, you're gonna drink this whole bottle of peppered tequila at once non stop.
Second, there's a pit bull outside with a bad tooth that hurts a lot. You'll have to pull it off with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 years old lady upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her entire life. You'll have to have sex with her until you give her an orgasm.
- I can't do all these tasks. It's impossible!
A few hours and lots of beer later, the man asks:
- Wheeerrrre'z tha teqquiiillazzz?
The bartender gives him the bottle. He grabs it with both hands and drinks the whole bottle at once. He puts the tequila bottle back at the table, stands up a little dizzy, stares at everyone inside the pub with a brave look, and goes outside for the pit bull.
Everyone can listen to the dog barking, the man's screams, a whole mess. This goes on for a few minutes, until they hear a very long howling from the dog, and after that there was silence.
The man enters the pub again, all beaten up, and asks:
- Now where's that old lady with the bad tooth?
- 24,128
- Scarfolk
- Grim10
- Are you kidding?
Parable of the Ant and the Grasshopper
TRADITIONAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the
ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
*****MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How
can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being
Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall
overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake. Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an
interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of
the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to
make him pay his ! fair sh are. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic
Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the
summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his
home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to
represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the
case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton
appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses
the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.
TRADITIONAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the
ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
*****MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How
can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being
Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall
overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake. Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an
interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of
the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to
make him pay his ! fair sh are. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic
Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the
summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his
home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to
represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the
case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton
appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses
the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.
- 1,026
- Atlanta, GA, USA
- I Matty R I
A little black kid dies in a shooting. The little black kid goes to heaven. He looks over his shoulder and sees he has wings. He sees an angel flying past and asks the angel, "I have wings like you, does that mean I'm an angel too?" The angel replies, "Naw chigga, that means you're a bat."
If you're offended, sorry. It's just a joke.
If you're offended, sorry. It's just a joke.
- 3,534
- London
Littel Johhnie walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.
His dad smirks and throws a pillow at him saying "get out of here you little sod!".
A couple of hours later Johnnie's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnnie's bedroom. He goes in to find Johhnie giving Grandma one.
When his dad demands to know what he is doing, Johhnie replies - "It aint so funny when its your mother, is it" . . . . . . .
Scouser in a bar having a couple of drinks when a gay guy comes in. He sits at the bar and orders a woo woo.
After a few more woo woo's and an hour of eyeing up the scouser the gay guy goes over to chat him up.
He walks over to the scousers table and whispers ''would you like a blow job'' in his ear, The scouser immediately gets up and beats the crap out of the gay and drags him to the door and flings him outside.
He then goes back to his table and continues drinking his pint.
Barman comes over and says ''ere mate, that was a bit OTT wasn't it, what did he say to you?''
Scouser replies, ''dunno, summit bout a job!''
His dad smirks and throws a pillow at him saying "get out of here you little sod!".
A couple of hours later Johnnie's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnnie's bedroom. He goes in to find Johhnie giving Grandma one.
When his dad demands to know what he is doing, Johhnie replies - "It aint so funny when its your mother, is it" . . . . . . .
Scouser in a bar having a couple of drinks when a gay guy comes in. He sits at the bar and orders a woo woo.
After a few more woo woo's and an hour of eyeing up the scouser the gay guy goes over to chat him up.
He walks over to the scousers table and whispers ''would you like a blow job'' in his ear, The scouser immediately gets up and beats the crap out of the gay and drags him to the door and flings him outside.
He then goes back to his table and continues drinking his pint.
Barman comes over and says ''ere mate, that was a bit OTT wasn't it, what did he say to you?''
Scouser replies, ''dunno, summit bout a job!''
I'm not good in telling jokes. Actually this is a joke that has to be told in dutch, I hope it makes sense in English.
Here it goes:
A woman at the zoo asked here friend: "what kind of animals are we looking at".
Her friend answered: "dangerous" (if pronounced must sound like kangaroo's)
The woman said: "dangerous"?
Her friend answered: "yes, can't you read"? "The info says" : these animals are dangerous!
Here it goes:
A woman at the zoo asked here friend: "what kind of animals are we looking at".
Her friend answered: "dangerous" (if pronounced must sound like kangaroo's)
The woman said: "dangerous"?
Her friend answered: "yes, can't you read"? "The info says" : these animals are dangerous!
Roo
Premium
- 7,446
- Hampshire, UK
- GTP_Roo
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Daaaamn!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats..."
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Daaaamn!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats..."
- 33,155
- Hammerhead Garage
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Seamus, have a big night down at the local pub and are planning on driving home when they realise Dublin's finest are outside just waiting to book anybody climbing into a car who even looks like they came from the pub. They're slightly put off buy this as they live on the other side of the city and they're not up to walking that far. Seamus, however, quickly had an idea.
"Paddy," he says, once they're out of sight of the police, "I think I've found a way around this. We'll go down to the bus depot and steal a bus and drive it home."
"That's brilliant!" exclaims Paddy. "Let's go." So the two drunks stumble down to the depot and manage to crawl under the chainlink fence surrounding it. They split up and start looking for a bus to steal, but ten minutes later they meet up again.
"What's wrong, Paddy?"
"I couldn't find a number twenty-two bus!" he says.
"Don't be daft, Paddy. We'll just steal a number nine and get off at the roundabout."
"Paddy," he says, once they're out of sight of the police, "I think I've found a way around this. We'll go down to the bus depot and steal a bus and drive it home."
"That's brilliant!" exclaims Paddy. "Let's go." So the two drunks stumble down to the depot and manage to crawl under the chainlink fence surrounding it. They split up and start looking for a bus to steal, but ten minutes later they meet up again.
"What's wrong, Paddy?"
"I couldn't find a number twenty-two bus!" he says.
"Don't be daft, Paddy. We'll just steal a number nine and get off at the roundabout."
- 5,833
- Right behind you
- SRV2NV
Uhh...must be an "only a british person would understand this" joke... 
- 3,534
- London
Uhh...must be an "only a british person would understand this" joke...
Its pretty simple really. The two men are really stupid and they could steal any bus and drive it home but because their stupid they think they can only steal a number 22 bus because that stops near their house or a number 9 bus because it stops at a nearby roundabout.
Im trying to think of an analogy to compare it to but my mind is blank.
- 5,603
- England, Warwickshire
- GTP_Sigma
Yup its really simple, I liked it.
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