Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,627 views
Thats funny.
- 810
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes,
so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun
is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little
guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer
now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me,
how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun. "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks
around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock "That's all? Only once or twice
a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
*apologies
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.* She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God, "says the old lady,"now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken
advantage of."
Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Scooby when he spotted the surgeon that had operated on him just a few weeks before. The surgeon was there to book his car in for an MOT.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey Doc, come and take a look at this."
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, put it all back together, and when I finish, it works just like new.
The surgeon nodded and the mechanic went on So how come I only make £20k a year and you make over a £100k when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes,
so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun
is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little
guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer
now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me,
how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun. "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks
around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock "That's all? Only once or twice
a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
*apologies
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.* She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God, "says the old lady,"now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken
advantage of."
Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Scooby when he spotted the surgeon that had operated on him just a few weeks before. The surgeon was there to book his car in for an MOT.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey Doc, come and take a look at this."
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, put it all back together, and when I finish, it works just like new.
The surgeon nodded and the mechanic went on So how come I only make £20k a year and you make over a £100k when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
- 1,914
A man is at a golf course having a lesson with a professional.
"Show me your swing" he says. So the man swings and hits the ball about 100 yards.
"Hmm, not bad" says the pro, "But your grip is too hard. Try holding it like you would with your wife's breasts".
So the man holds it like the pro says and he hits it 250 yards. Ecstatic, he goes home and tells his wife about it. After hearing it she decides to book a lesson herself.
At the golf course, the pro asks her to show him her swing. She hits it and the pro says "OK, but your grip is much too tight. Hold it like you would your husband's penis" So she holds it thus and the ball trickles 5 feet.
"OK," says the pro "Try it again, but this time take the club out of your mouth."
"Show me your swing" he says. So the man swings and hits the ball about 100 yards.
"Hmm, not bad" says the pro, "But your grip is too hard. Try holding it like you would with your wife's breasts".
So the man holds it like the pro says and he hits it 250 yards. Ecstatic, he goes home and tells his wife about it. After hearing it she decides to book a lesson herself.
At the golf course, the pro asks her to show him her swing. She hits it and the pro says "OK, but your grip is much too tight. Hold it like you would your husband's penis" So she holds it thus and the ball trickles 5 feet.
"OK," says the pro "Try it again, but this time take the club out of your mouth."
- 708
- 2,343
- Atlanta, GA
- WallRunner51
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
---------
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
From,
Chris.
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
---------
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
From,
Chris.
- 810
two irishmen are walking down the street when they come across a mirror lying in the street.
the first irishman Paddy picks up the mirror and after looking at it for a while turns to Mac and says 'i don't recognise the person looking back at me.' Mac takes the mirror from him and looks into it. 'aahhh ya daft twit' he says 'its me.'
the first irishman Paddy picks up the mirror and after looking at it for a while turns to Mac and says 'i don't recognise the person looking back at me.' Mac takes the mirror from him and looks into it. 'aahhh ya daft twit' he says 'its me.'
opelgt1969
Premium
- 2,267
- Bristol,Va USA
- opelgt1969
Orion
(Banned)
- 1,518
- 1,825
- Icehawk_9
Stand him on his head and it spells MOM
ew...
opelgt1969
Premium
- 2,267
- Bristol,Va USA
- opelgt1969
Do you know how many dumb Blonde jokes they are?
Only one the rest are true.
Only one the rest are true.
- 1,825
- Icehawk_9
- 2,604
- Banbaria.
- GTP_Venari
A man takes his young daughter to the barbers, but aware that she would be bored while he is getting his short-back-and-sides, he buys his daughter a blueberry cake before they enter.
They enter the barbers and the daughter stays right by her father's side while he gets ready in the chair. The barber arrives, looks at the girl in a mock-stern way and says "Watch out, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
The girl looks up at him and says "I'm going to grow breasts too, you dirty old man."
They enter the barbers and the daughter stays right by her father's side while he gets ready in the chair. The barber arrives, looks at the girl in a mock-stern way and says "Watch out, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
The girl looks up at him and says "I'm going to grow breasts too, you dirty old man."
- 2,343
- Atlanta, GA
- WallRunner51
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
From,
Chris.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
From,
Chris.
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