Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
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- ceiling_fan
I've been on the whiskey diet. In one week I lost 4 days!
- 810
New Study
A local scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that men with very low intelligence read joke forums with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
A local scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that men with very low intelligence read joke forums with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
- 9,209
- DerAlta
The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem"
65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seria."
35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem"
65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seria."
- 24,128
- Scarfolk
- Grim10
- Are you kidding?
Redneck Driving License Application
Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E ___________________________
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of cows living in your front yard ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of tractor in back yard
___ Number of tractor out by the shed
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready!
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you slept with Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?
Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E ___________________________
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of cows living in your front yard ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of tractor in back yard
___ Number of tractor out by the shed
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready!
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you slept with Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?
Roo
Premium
- 7,446
- Hampshire, UK
- GTP_Roo
- 19,311
- Inland Empire SoCal
- SOLID_LIFTERS
A neutron walks into a bar. Says "How much for a drink?" The bartender says "For you, no charge."
Atom A- I think I lost an electron.
Atom B- Are you sure ?
Atom A- Yeah, I'm positive."
Atom A- I think I lost an electron.
Atom B- Are you sure ?
Atom A- Yeah, I'm positive."
MagpieRacer
Premium
- 17,459
- Wymondham, Norfolk
- Seagull_Racer
Nice ones Solid
- 810
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened ! ?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
OBSENITY WARNING, BUT IT DOES REALLY MAKE THE JOKE!
study found that women find different males attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in flocking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his flocking eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his b@s tard ar5e...................
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened ! ?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
OBSENITY WARNING, BUT IT DOES REALLY MAKE THE JOKE!
study found that women find different males attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in flocking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his flocking eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his b@s tard ar5e...................
Roo
Premium
- 7,446
- Hampshire, UK
- GTP_Roo
Ready for a groaner?
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
- 29,383
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Nathan... do you have a coat or do you want to borrow mine? 
Anyway, remember that old joke about 'How many F1 drivers have Scottish places in their names?' and the answers were "Stirling" Moss, Johnny Dumfries and "Ayr Town Centre"... (Ayrton Senna, geddit???) Well, Lewis Hamilton has ruined that joke.... twice
Anyway, remember that old joke about 'How many F1 drivers have Scottish places in their names?' and the answers were "Stirling" Moss, Johnny Dumfries and "Ayr Town Centre"... (Ayrton Senna, geddit???) Well, Lewis Hamilton has ruined that joke.... twice
- 87,647
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
Nathan... do you have a coat or do you want to borrow mine?
Anyway, remember that old joke about 'How many F1 drivers have Scottish places in their names?' and the answers were "Stirling" Moss, Johnny Dumfries and "Ayr Town Centre"... (Ayrton Senna, geddit???) Well, Lewis Hamilton has ruined that joke.... twice
Reminds me of the gag about how many football teams have swearwords in their names.
Three: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and :censored:ing Leeds.
- 29,383
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
A nicely adaptable joke!I'm just surprised that Scunthorpe doesn't trip the swear filter!
- 24,017
- It/It
- GTP_TheCracker
Anyway, remember that old joke about 'How many F1 drivers have Scottish places in their names?' and the answers were "Stirling" Moss, Johnny Dumfries and "Ayr Town Centre"... (Ayrton Senna, geddit???) Well, Lewis Hamilton has ruined that joke.... twice
Johnny Dumfries? You mean: John Colum Crichton-Stuart, 7th Marquess of Bute - The Earl of Dumfries
- 1,572
- Famine's house.
- Milford_Cubicle
I LOLed.
What? I like daft jokes!!
What? I like daft jokes!!
- 24,128
- Scarfolk
- Grim10
- Are you kidding?
- 2,604
- Banbaria.
- GTP_Venari
Prince Charles goes to the zoo, wearing his favourite coat and a big fluffy orange hat.
One of the park keepers wanders up to him and says "Er, aren't you Prince Charles?"
"Indeed I am," replies HRH.
"Ah, well, excuse me for saying, sir, but what are you wearing on your head?"
"Well," begins the Prince. "One was speaking to the Queen earlier, and one said 'Mother, one is off to see Twycross zoo today. Would you like to come?', and she replied, 'Twycross zoo? Wear the fox hat.'"
*duck*and*run*for*cover*
V.
One of the park keepers wanders up to him and says "Er, aren't you Prince Charles?"
"Indeed I am," replies HRH.
"Ah, well, excuse me for saying, sir, but what are you wearing on your head?"
"Well," begins the Prince. "One was speaking to the Queen earlier, and one said 'Mother, one is off to see Twycross zoo today. Would you like to come?', and she replied, 'Twycross zoo? Wear the fox hat.'"
*duck*and*run*for*cover*
V.
- 13,818
- Alabama
LOL!
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