- 5,833
- Right behind you
- SRV2NV
Yeah, I got that part, I just thought it had some other joke within it that I didn't get. Ahwell.
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,704 comments
- 725,830 views
Yeah, I got that part, I just thought it had some other joke within it that I didn't get. Ahwell.
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
Three men are sitting (wrapped in towels) in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. Tim presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. in a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows. Invoking the best poker face he can muster, he explains, "I'm getting a Fax."
*EDIT* Didn't realize I was the last one to post in this.
"That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. in a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows. Invoking the best poker face he can muster, he explains, "I'm getting a Fax."
*EDIT* Didn't realize I was the last one to post in this.
- 3,534
- London
Hahahaha!!!!
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
It's little John's 9th birthday when his father asks him:
- Son, do you know how babies are made?
- I don't want to know! Please dad, promiss you won't tell me!
Confused, his father asks:
- But why you don't want to know, Johnny?
To which the boy responds:
- At the age of six I was told there's no easter bunny; when I was 7 I found out there isn't a fairy tooth, nor mermaids; at the age of 8 I understood that Santa Claus is actually you!
Now if I find out that grown-ups don't -F- I'll have no more reasons to live.
- Son, do you know how babies are made?
- I don't want to know! Please dad, promiss you won't tell me!
Confused, his father asks:
- But why you don't want to know, Johnny?
To which the boy responds:
- At the age of six I was told there's no easter bunny; when I was 7 I found out there isn't a fairy tooth, nor mermaids; at the age of 8 I understood that Santa Claus is actually you!
Now if I find out that grown-ups don't -F- I'll have no more reasons to live.
- 19,311
- Inland Empire SoCal
- SOLID_LIFTERS
I went to renew my driver's license on Friday, and just look at the new Greater Los Angeles Area Drivers License Application. 
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
- 33,155
- Hammerhead Garage
Heheh. That's made of awesome.I went to renew my driver's license on Friday, and just look at the new Greater Los Angeles Area Drivers License Application.
- 33,155
- Hammerhead Garage
Excuse the double-post, I just found this, taken fromhere:
Things a Man Should Know About Drinking
By The Esquire Staff
1. There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
2. There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.
3. There is a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.
4. Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.
5. Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.
6. Actually, never order a frozen drink.
7. It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.
8. For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.
9. Champagne is a place. Bordeaux is a place. Champale is not a place.
10. Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.
11. Garnish matters.
12. Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.
13. When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.
14. Better yet: Hire a bartender.
15. The perfect manhattan: two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice. Over rocks or not.
16. At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.
17. Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.
18. That sangria means "bloodletting" is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.
19. Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren't all they're cracked up to be.
20. If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.
21. On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you're so particular.
22. Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
23. Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
24. Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.
25. Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ass.
26. Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.
27. The perfect negroni: four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campad shaken with ice and strained. Orange peel.
28. Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.
29. Jack Daniel's. Rocks.
30. Fresh orange juice. Fresh lemon juice. Fresh lime juice.
31. The perfect margarita: one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.
32. On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.
33. If you must: single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.
34. Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.
35. There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!"
36. No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.
37. A thought for the holidays: Gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.
38. Gift wine, being a gift, is not for tonight's party. Unless the host opens it.
39. Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.
40. Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.
41. The cosmopolitan is over.
42. Rye isn't as popular as it used to be.
43. The perfect highball: one part rye to three parts ginger ale over Ice.
44. There is no upside to karaoke.
45. There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet-T-Shirt contest, as long as you're not in it.
46. It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.
47. On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the "well" liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.
48. Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.
49. Always check your fly before leaving the john.
50. If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet did not fall onto the floor.
51. Try to take care of the sitting thing at home.
52. Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks.
53. If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.
54. The perfect Shirley Temple: ginger ale over ice to fill a wineglass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.
55. If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.
56. Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his actual name, in fact, is Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace.
57. Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.
58. Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.
59. Don't eat the worm.
60. If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.
61. Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.
62. Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.
63. Acceptable drinks for women: whatever they want, except a certain few.
64. A certain few: the grasshopper, the Long Island iced tea, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.
65. Also unacceptable: drinks whose names mimic critical medical conditions or copulative acts and their secretions.
66. And while we're on the subject, drinks that are named after supposedly cute body parts, like navels, which are actually disgusting repositories for sebaceous grime: No.
67. All of that said, never question a woman's drink choice.
68. If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you.
69. Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.
70. Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.
71. The perfect martini: There is no such thing as the perfect martini. Make it the way it tastes best to you.
72. Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
Things a Man Should Know About Drinking
By The Esquire Staff
1. There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
2. There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.
3. There is a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.
4. Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.
5. Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.
6. Actually, never order a frozen drink.
7. It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.
8. For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.
9. Champagne is a place. Bordeaux is a place. Champale is not a place.
10. Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.
11. Garnish matters.
12. Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.
13. When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.
14. Better yet: Hire a bartender.
15. The perfect manhattan: two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice. Over rocks or not.
16. At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.
17. Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.
18. That sangria means "bloodletting" is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.
19. Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren't all they're cracked up to be.
20. If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.
21. On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you're so particular.
22. Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
23. Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
24. Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.
25. Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ass.
26. Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.
27. The perfect negroni: four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campad shaken with ice and strained. Orange peel.
28. Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.
29. Jack Daniel's. Rocks.
30. Fresh orange juice. Fresh lemon juice. Fresh lime juice.
31. The perfect margarita: one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.
32. On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.
33. If you must: single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.
34. Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.
35. There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!"
36. No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.
37. A thought for the holidays: Gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.
38. Gift wine, being a gift, is not for tonight's party. Unless the host opens it.
39. Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.
40. Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.
41. The cosmopolitan is over.
42. Rye isn't as popular as it used to be.
43. The perfect highball: one part rye to three parts ginger ale over Ice.
44. There is no upside to karaoke.
45. There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet-T-Shirt contest, as long as you're not in it.
46. It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.
47. On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the "well" liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.
48. Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.
49. Always check your fly before leaving the john.
50. If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet did not fall onto the floor.
51. Try to take care of the sitting thing at home.
52. Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks.
53. If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.
54. The perfect Shirley Temple: ginger ale over ice to fill a wineglass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.
55. If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.
56. Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his actual name, in fact, is Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace.
57. Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.
58. Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.
59. Don't eat the worm.
60. If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.
61. Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.
62. Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.
63. Acceptable drinks for women: whatever they want, except a certain few.
64. A certain few: the grasshopper, the Long Island iced tea, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.
65. Also unacceptable: drinks whose names mimic critical medical conditions or copulative acts and their secretions.
66. And while we're on the subject, drinks that are named after supposedly cute body parts, like navels, which are actually disgusting repositories for sebaceous grime: No.
67. All of that said, never question a woman's drink choice.
68. If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you.
69. Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.
70. Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.
71. The perfect martini: There is no such thing as the perfect martini. Make it the way it tastes best to you.
72. Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
- 24,128
- Scarfolk
- Grim10
- Are you kidding?
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane ' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where d o they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONL Y
< BR>Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset an d I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane ' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where d o they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONL Y
< BR>Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset an d I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
- 3,534
- London
Did you get that from a website? If so linkey prease, I wanna see the comments
Orion
(Banned)
- 1,518
Peter Griffin: Why do girls have boobs?
So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!
____________________________________________________________
Friend: Yeah, you're confused now huh?
Me: Stop Con-f:censored:ing-using me!
Old Lady: Stop using that kind of language!
Me: (Curses in spanish.)
____________________________________________________________
Dad: Goes for it on 4th Down in football, he shouts "This is why god gave us ballz!"
____________________________________________________________
Stranger: What the 🤬 is this? A fat people convention?
Me: No, this is just america.
Stranger: What is the difference?!?!?
____________________________________________________________
So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!
____________________________________________________________
Friend: Yeah, you're confused now huh?
Me: Stop Con-f:censored:ing-using me!
Old Lady: Stop using that kind of language!
Me: (Curses in spanish.)
____________________________________________________________
Dad: Goes for it on 4th Down in football, he shouts "This is why god gave us ballz!"
____________________________________________________________
Stranger: What the 🤬 is this? A fat people convention?
Me: No, this is just america.
Stranger: What is the difference?!?!?
____________________________________________________________
- 2,614
- Metroider17
http://www.commonplacebook.com/jokes/funny_lists/laffy_taffyhtml.shtm
what happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.
how do you mend a broken jack o lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a mann asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore
What falls down but never gets hurt -- snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me
What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the brits)? -- Lets dance and I'll dip you
Why do bees have sticky hair -- they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the icecream shop? -- he wanted to get the
scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.
What did the man say whin the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!
did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do.
What does a car run on? -- wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip
where do pigs park ther cars? -- in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema-the film didn't appeal to him
Why did the little cookie (biscut) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink -- He found a leek there
How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? -- tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball -- a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars -- a martian mellow
how does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)
whats brown and sticky? -- a stick
whats red and not there -- no tomatoes
Whats white and flies through the sky? -- the coming of the lord
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin
what happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.
how do you mend a broken jack o lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a mann asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore
What falls down but never gets hurt -- snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me
What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the brits)? -- Lets dance and I'll dip you
Why do bees have sticky hair -- they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the icecream shop? -- he wanted to get the
scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.
What did the man say whin the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!
did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do.
What does a car run on? -- wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip
where do pigs park ther cars? -- in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema-the film didn't appeal to him
Why did the little cookie (biscut) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink -- He found a leek there
How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? -- tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball -- a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars -- a martian mellow
how does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)
whats brown and sticky? -- a stick
whats red and not there -- no tomatoes
Whats white and flies through the sky? -- the coming of the lord
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin
The lamest jokes ever lol
1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
5. Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing
6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!
7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
8. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...
9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"
1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
5. Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing
6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!
7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
8. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...
9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"
- 33,155
- Hammerhead Garage
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."
"Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."
- 4,760
- Kansas City, MO
- FlyingAGasoline
- 3,534
- London
A few days ago I was having some work done on my car at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its bonnet up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its bonnet up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
- 38
An old man dies and goes to gates of heaven. He gets there and nnotices everyones driving cars, riding bikes etc. So he asks "what gives?" and he gets an explanation. The better person you were the more expensive your transportation. So he gets looked over and they finally decide and POOF hes in a Bentley. Another old man finds him out in the middle of nowhere crying his eyes out. The old man says "You have a bentley, i just have this dirtbike what could you possibly be crying about?" He says, "I just saw my wife" The other old man says "Oh, she got a ferrari didnt she?" He says "Hell no! Shes on rollerskates!!"
- 38
Got this one off myspace:
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!"
I couldnt stop laughing.
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!"
I couldnt stop laughing.
- 8,480
- P_Balance
The version I read had her on a bike with 2 flat tires.
- 38
Is that real? If so, wow.
Danoff
Premium
- 34,070
- Mile High City
Yup. That's the actual application to USC.
- 36,701
- Scotland
- GTP_daan
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