My Mom Has Cancer! (Need Advice)!

[Chris30]

Hey guys, I have some questions to ask about this difficult situation, I am distraught about it! My mom went to the doctor Friday morning and they did some CT scans and tests and found two big masses in her stomach/bladder, one was 5-inches and the other was a little smaller than that, turns out she has Stage 4 prostate cancer which is serious. I read that 50-60% of people survive after the diagnosis/surgery and the other percentage don't. I hope nothing happens to her, she has raised me and taught me everything she has known to train me to take on the real world( living on my own). The truth is my grandparents refused to give her money to get medical treatment, she begged them starting in 2006 and they said no, we need to get a job. We have significant health issues now, and her's are way worse than mine.

So, that's the gist of this thread. Have you all or any of your family/friends experienced any cancer? I'd like to research as much as I can to help maybe guide her to healing. Please pray/meditate that things will go smoothly and my mother will recover 100%, I don't want her to die, I'm so upset, I've been up almost 2 days. 😢

She has taught me so much over the past two decades I don't want her to leave this planet. I hope the doctors and nurses can help her recover from this major surgery. Maybe I should get ready for bed soon and calm down. This was a very unexpected surprise at the end of my birthday week, I turned 33 on Monday.

If and I hope this does not happen, but if my mom dies, who do you recommend I should stay with. I don't want to go to a group home. And I don't want to stay with my abusive family members. So idk what to do.

 

[smcqueen46]

I don't understand the "prostate" cancer since women don't have one, but anyway, when I was diagnosed with melanoma I read "Chris Beat Cancer" by Chris Wark and followed it to a successful conclusion.

 

[newmedia_dev]

Chris,

*I'm writing this a letter so I hope you read it that way.

Firstly this is very very sad news. Secondly this is massively sad news.

There is a lot to deal with for you right now and I'd suggest you speak to your moms doctor, he will be able to point you to people to talk to.

It devastates me to hear about your mom as she was such large part of your life.

I want you to know all of us here are thinks of you both and if you need any help or to off load we are all here. Or individually as a collective. The way that helps the most mate is to ask for help.

Thoughts and prayers my friend.

 

[brockie]

Chris, so sorry to read this! Can’t imagine what you’re going through, sending strength from the UK and I am sure I talk for the community when I say we’re all here if you need us!

Hugs brother 🫶

 

[HenrySwanson]

So sorry to hear this. What exactly is the cancer - perhaps you misheard "prostate"?

The important thing right now is to be there for your mum. I have never had cancer, but I can recommend a short book called Falling Leaves and Flying Butterflies that could help your mum in processing this news as well as giving suggestions on the subsequent journey.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

So sorry for this extremely sad news Chris - best wishes to your Mom. Glen is right, speak to your Mom's doctor - they should be your source of truth on this.

 

[Gomario JSP]

Hi Chris,

What a terrible news this is, I'm sorry to hear this, and naturaly I wish you and your mom all the best and hope she can recover.
I suggest you do try to get some sleep, stay healthy yourself so you can return a little care-wise.
And get your medical info from the doctor, not from the internet, that is very important.

Take care Chris, and hang in there,

 

[Chris30]

Thank you guys. Also the best thing I can do is pray hard and maybe go to a church for guidance/assistance? And maybe do a fundraiser in my local town for any type of cancer my family has which is my mother and grandpa.

 

[Hollow]

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s diagnosis, and I can’t imagine how tough and overwhelming this is for you.

Are there any social workers available at the hospital that can assist you with your mom’s case?

Also please feel free to reach out if you ever feel the need.

 

[Dolph Drago]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, Chris. I can only echo what the others have said. Hang in there!

 

[Jeje6410]

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom is sick. Don't give up Chris. Your mom will need you in difficult times because there will be some. But there will be good times too when she needs you too. So rest, gain strength and together you will be stronger. Courage Chris💪💪💪💪

Take care of you and your mom !!!!

 

[Famine]

So.

I appreciate that medical stuff can be confusing and not everyone is able to keep up with it even when explained in the simplest possible manner (because there is only so simple that you can go). However, as pointed out by two people already in this thread, biological women don't have a prostate, making this...

she has Stage 4 prostate cancer

... a rather confusing statement.

I don't know how or what the doctor explained to you, but either you have dramatically misunderstood something or - and I hope this isn't true - she was born male and therefore isn't your birth mother. Resolving this and finding out exactly what the issue here is would seem to be of importance.

Assuming the former (and the largest growth is likely the primary, so it's likely to be bladder cancer), it's important to know what cancer is, what it does, and what we mean when we talk about "stages" in cancer.


Firstly, cancer is a definition of a group of disorders characterised by a single action: cells growing and dividing in an uncontrolled manner. There's several preliminary events leading up to a cancerous state, which you can basically sum up as DNA damage leading to cells that don't die the way they ought to, dividing and creating copies of themselves that act the same way, leading to more DNA damage and more aberrant behaviour.

Inherited forms of cancer hit young and hard, because the cells are basically born with damaged DNA. Most environmental forms of cancer affect you as you get older because your cells are old and the DNA damage is just a symptom of aging; they are usually (but not always) less aggressive and less threatening unless they're allowed to progress for a long time and become more advanced. Some "acquired" forms (through repeated exposure to materials or chemicals that cause cancer to develop: cigarette tar or asbestos being most notable) can be highly aggressive.


Cancer kills you by disrupting the organ it's in (leading to systemic damage) or by spreading until it can stop a more vital organ from functioning properly. This is where "stages" come in - and a cancer will progress from one to the next in order.

Pre-cancerous is a state change in cells that can be observed and is known to precede a cancerous growth
Stage 0 is a growth in its earliest stages and is simply the cells dividing out of direct control of normal growth and termination mechanisms.
Stage 1 (I) is a defined tumour which is within a single organ and may be disrupting normal function.
Stage 2 (II) is a tumour which has become "locally invasive", breaking through the wall of the organ and into other tissue.
Stage 3 (III) is the same as Stage II, but is considered more advanced. It's a bit of a blurry line.
Stage 4 (IV) is when the tumour has shed cells into delivery systems (blood or lymph), distributing invasive cells to other organs where new tumours are now growing (known as "metastatic").

We treat pre-cancerous cells with vigilance - regular check ups and monitoring - and Stage 0/I with surgery. Stage II/III have surgical options plus targeted treatments like chemotherapy or radiotherapy designed to kill any other cells ("cytotoxic") of that type. Stage IV may be treated surgically for detectable masses as well as targeted radiotherapy and/or systemic cytotoxic treatments like chemotherapy.

The treatments depend greatly on the type, stage, and location of the cancer: you could use radiotherapy to shrink a tumour that's in an awkward place to operate in order to make it smaller to make the surgery easier, for example.

The more advanced the cancer, the harder it is to treat and the more likely it is to be terminal. And a cancer can progress from Stage II to Stage IV very rapidly, as any tumour over a certain size (I think 2cm, so just under an inch) will require a blood supply in order to sustain itself - and will basically make capillaries grow towards it to do so (a process called "angiogenesis"). Once it's got a blood supply, it can shed cells into the blood stream ("circulating tumour cells") to go elsewhere and grow new tumours ("metastasize").


With the percentage values you gave, this is typically a "five-year survival" rate. That means it's the percentage of patients with this type of cancer who are still alive and not experiencing a return of the cancer five years after it is detected.

This again varies wildly by the type, stage, and location of the cancer; pancreatic cancer, for example, has a woeful five-year survival rate because not only is it incredibly aggressive, it's usually not detected until it's very, very advanced indeed as the symptoms are vague and easily confused with other things.

Five-year survival for Stage I-II pancreatic cancer is about 50%, but for Stage IV it's about 3%. As it's usually Stage IV by the time it's found, and the patient is days from death, five-year survival across all pancreatic cancers is 12% - because there's way more found at Stage IV than at Stage I. That means that, in effect, if you line up 100 people just diagnosed right now with pancreatic cancer, 12 of them will likely be alive and cancer-free in five years' time.

I don't know what the 50-60% number you quote here is but, not to beat around the bush, the five-year survival for any Stage IV cancer is low because it's already spread - if not everywhere then at least to some other organ systems - and the treatment is not just cutting it out of one place any more. For bladder it's 8%, for stomach it's 7%, for kidney it's just about 15%. I can't think of a Stage IV cancer with a five-year survival rate as high as 50%, but I have been out of the loop for 20 years so maybe there's been some improvements (pancreatic used to be 6% across all types; we got better at detecting it earlier).

This is where finding out exactly what it is would be of benefit, at least so that you're informed as to what may happen next.

I'd like to research as much as I can to help maybe guide her to healing.

In situations like this, it's better to accept that you are powerless to help. This isn't like doing the dishes or vacuuming, it's her body's cells going haywire and specialist doctors trying to stop it from attacking the whole body.

There's nothing you can do about it directly. "Healing" will be down to what the cancer is, where it is, how much it's spread, how much of it can be removed, how it responds to the cytotoxic therapies, and her recovery.

The last part is really the only one you can help with, and that's down to nothing more than your interactions: keeping stress levels down and not making too many demands on her time and energy.

 

[GOTMAXPOWER]

@Chris30 I'm sorry to hear that, hopefully she will make a full recovery.

If and I hope this does not happen, but if my mom dies, who do you recommend I should stay with. I don't want to go to a group home. And I don't want to stay with my abusive family members. So idk what to do.

I know it's hard but try not to think like that, being positive will help you both out. Stressing about something which may/hopefully will never happen just makes the situation worse.

 

[Joey D]

I'm not sure what your financial status is or if your mom had insurance, but it's first best to check with the insurance plan to see what they will and will not cover. After that, you'll want to investigate Medicare or Medicaid, depending on your mom's age. If she's 65 or older, she is eligible for Medicare. If she's not 65, investigate Medicaid, which is for uninsured or underinsured people. If you can't get that, seek out nonprofit health systems in your area. Almost all of them will be able to provide charity care.

 

[Chris30]

Update: My mom will be going to the ER on Thursday so they can evaluate her and do extensive testing. I will keep you all posted on what's going on. A neighbor will be staying with me and I have plenty of food, drinks and supplies. I'll have to make sure the front door is locked. I asked the doctor to monitor and call me with the updates of how my mom is progressing.

 

[TB]

My mom will be going to the ER on Thursday so they can evaluate her and do extensive testing.

The emergency room is not equipped to do a battery of cancer testing. And you don't set up an appointment for the ER. She needs to go to an oncologist.

Not to be a downer, just posting my experience so maybe you can prepare yourself better than I did. My mom went from diagnosed with esophageal cancer to passed away in 3 months. Granted, she opted to not have it treated as sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. Hopefully you have a better outcome than I did.

 

[Dan_Tes]

I am really sorry to hear this, Chris; keep us posted on how things go. We might not be able to help much from our various locations around the world but we can offer messages of support and guidance and just maybe having that connection with others will help you better get through this. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time mate!

 

[HenrySwanson]

Update: My mom will be going to the ER on Thursday so they can evaluate her and do extensive testing. I will keep you all posted on what's going on. A neighbor will be staying with me and I have plenty of food, drinks and supplies. I'll have to make sure the front door is locked. I asked the doctor to monitor and call me with the updates of how my mom is progressing.

Is your mum in the hospital now?

 

[Chris30]

Is your mum in the hospital now?

No, we have to pay the rent, get some last minute items, and she wants to make sure I have enough to eat and drink, someone will be staying with me. I gotta step up and help her all I can. We have to go to Lowe's and get a vacuum so I can help clean around the house. I'll let you guys know when she is admitted this week, keep praying. I'm hoping they'll give her a drug/medicine to fight the cancer cells.

 

[Childe Roland]

Hi @Chris30, as others has pointed out I think you missheard or missinterpretate the type of cancer your mum have.
I dont blame you for that because I know it can be hard to focus in such shocking moments.

In situations like this, it's better to accept that you are powerless to help. This isn't like doing the dishes or vacuuming, it's her body's cells going haywire and specialist doctors trying to stop it from attacking the whole body.

There's nothing you can do about it directly. "Healing" will be down to what the cancer is, where it is, how much it's spread, how much of it can be removed, how it responds to the cytotoxic therapies, and her recovery.

The last part is really the only one you can help with, and that's down to nothing more than your interactions: keeping stress levels down and not making too many demands on her time and energy.

Those lines posted by Famine are solid advices.
Dont go mad on the "superman" mindset thinking that is up to you to find that miracle solution hidden somewhere on the internet.

I wish the best of luck to your mum in the fight ahead and keep strong to help her in all what you can.
If you need a word, we are here to support you mate.

 

[Chris30]

UPDATE: I helped my mom pack her stuff in her suitcase. It's so cool, you can roll it around anywhere and pack items and food in it, perfect for ER visits, trips and schooling. I will keep you all updated this weekend on what happens, it's up in the air. I'm totally exhausted. I had to call her doctor this morning and let her know that my mom will be going to the ER tonight. See the doctor has to call the team doctors at the hospital to get her emitted sooner. See usually we have to wait two days before being called to the waiting room. I forgot to tell you guys, when we went in 2021, this man was smoking and wearing an oxygen mask and was walking around the waiting room. We had to keep moving to chairs to sit and be away from him, after 5 hours he finally went to the other side of the building.

 

[TB]

usually we have to wait two days before being called to the waiting room.

in 2021, this man was smoking and wearing an oxygen mask and was walking around the waiting room.

That I'm going to call B.S. on.

No hospital allows smoking inside. If someone starts smoking, they'll be asked to leave. If they don't, security is getting called.

And that's before discussing him trying to blow everyone up.

 

[Chris30]

Well it's always some kind of drama going to the ER!

 

[Famine]

the ER

I still don't get why you're going there for what should be at least an outpatient oncology appointment. Per @TB's earlier post:

The emergency room is not equipped to do a battery of cancer testing. And you don't set up an appointment for the ER. She needs to go to an oncologist.

 

[HenrySwanson]

I'll admit, I'm very confused by this thread.

Is it because insurance will better cover it if you go in through the Emergency Department (I have no idea how American healthcare costs work)?

 

[Chris30]

I'll admit, I'm very confused by this thread.

Is it because insurance will better cover it if you go in through the Emergency Department (I have no idea how American healthcare costs work)?

Yes, her insurance will help her pay for any medicines/surgery. If she went to an oncologist they would charge her and we're on a fixed income/budget. Sorry I should have been more specific in the thread. Well just wish us luck. I'm gonna have to pray to God/the universe that things will work out.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Yes, her insurance will help her pay for any medicines/surgery. If she went to an oncologist they would charge her and we're on a fixed income/budget. Sorry I should have been more specific in the thread. Well just wish us luck. I'm gonna have to pray to God/the universe that things will work out.

I would ask @Joey D about that. He's already given good advice in this thread about insurance options.

Cancer is a chronic disease - it's not something where you pop in and come out cured the next day.

 

[Joey D]

I still don't get why you're going there for what should be at least an outpatient oncology appointment. Per @TB's earlier post:

It's common for people without medical insurance to go in through the ED in order to be admitted to the hospital. They might know they have cancer, but they'll come in and say "my stomach hurts," and they run a battery of tests, and low and behold, they find cancer. From there, sometimes they're admitted and go into surgery or at least get treatment going. There are a whole bunch of billing implications, too. For example, an ED can't demand insurance to see you. We have EMTALA in the US, which says an ED must see you and stabilize you. There are some reasons they could turn you away, but most EDs won't because they don't want to get dinged on surveys.

I've worked in EDs several times and the stuff uninsured people come in for is always mind boggling. Now that I work in front end operations for healthcare (billing, scheduling, etc) I see the sheer amount of charity care that health systems give out. It's millions of dollars worth of care a month.

Yes, her insurance will help her pay for any medicines/surgery. If she went to an oncologist they would charge her and we're on a fixed income/budget. Sorry I should have been more specific in the thread. Well just wish us luck. I'm gonna have to pray to God/the universe that things will work out.

The oncologist she's seeing might be out of network. Some insurance plans are really, really, really bad while also being really expensive. Have your mom get something called an "explanation of benefits" or EOB from her insurance company. It'll be able to explain what is and isn't covered. Any doctor's office should be able to do something called RTE (real-time eligibility) which queries various third party vendors to see if your insurance covers your treatment.

Chance are the insurance covers things you're unaware of and doesn't cover things you think it probably should. I'm not aware of any insurance that doesn't cover cancer treatments though, at least cancers not caused by lifestyle choices. You mom can call and talk with a benefits coordinator by calling the number on the back of the card. They'll be able to explain things too.

Worse case, just get the care and worry about the bill later. If she's going to a non-profit or not for profit health system then they will have patient advocated who can work with her on getting the bill reduced or even covered. They can also help getting Medicare or Medicaid setup as well. They do a ton for patients and they are underused. I've helped people get their bill reduced by nearly 90% because I got them in contact with the right person who could help them. If it's a for profit health system, then you're kind of SOL. They don't really care and will pursue getting money out of you.

If you don't know if it's non profit, not for profit, or for profit healthcare system, I'm happy to let you know if you tell me the name of the health system. Typically if it's an academic or has a religious name (St. Mary's) then it's a non profit or not for profit. Anything associated with HCA Healthcare is for profit. You can typically Google the name and you'll be able to find it with some digging. You can also try googling "the name of the health system 501(c)(3)" and see if it returns a report. Under the ACA, all tax exempt healthcare systems (the 501(c)(3) systems) must publish reports. If there's a report, chances are it's not a for profit.

I'm not sure where you live, but if it happens to be Utah or Michigan, I'm happy to point you in the right direction.

 

[Omnis]

I'll admit, I'm very confused by this thread.

Is it because insurance will better cover it if you go in through the Emergency Department (I have no idea how American healthcare costs work)?

I still don't get why you're going there for what should be at least an outpatient oncology appointment. Per @TB's earlier post:

There are a lot of plans that will have, say, 50% co-insurance on inpatient services, but will cover all inpatient expenses incurred following an associated ER visit. Usually there is a different fee or co-insurance rate for emergency care. Medicaid (let's face it, that's what we're dealing with here) operates similarly, where administrator XYZ may push back on direct admission from Dr. ABC, so they just use the ER to bypass the process.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Absolutely crazy.