Respect, Earned or Given?

[lbsf1]

I thought this might a good topic for disscussion, Should respect be earned or given.

For example my dad thinks that I should respect him and not argue back an any or his answers and all the such, however I feel makes hardly any attempt to respect me and my views.

His view is I should respect him no matter what because he is my father.
My view is that If I don't want to respect him because I feel he doesn't repect me then I don't "have" too.


Whats your view?
Should respect be earnt or given.

 

[ragnar666]

well im a bit older and i agree that from your fathers view he has already earned his respect and therefore deserves to recieve it from you.

im guessing your still young so therefore what have you done for him to have to respect your views?

perhaps showing him respect to start with will be the first step in you receiving some back further down the road when you grow up and get a bit more life expereience.

 

[jonboy1066]

My answer is both, Earned and Given.

There are people out there who have done a lot to earn my respect, yet I've never met them....Ranulph Fiennes is a good example.

But in my line of work as a Paramedic I am constantly in contact (sometimes as often as 10 times a shift) with people I've never met before, and who have never done aything to earn my respect......however I will still give them respect and hope for some in return.




While writing these ramblings the idea just popped into my head that perhaps respect is something which is lost rather than given or earned.

 

[lpb-nissan-gt-r]

Give people a basic amount of respect to start with and then mirror how they respect you IMO.

 

[RAZRr1275]

I'm with the above poster. When I first meet some one I try to come off as neutral as possible. I don't act harshly but at the same time I'm not going to treat them as I would my friends. How they respond will then push me in either direction. So to answer the question I guess a degree of it is given and the rest is either earned or lost based on how they act.

 

[blaaah]

One could say in simple natural aspects respect must be given to those superior to you, in terms of physical and mental ability.
It's when doubts over the superiority over one or both of those things occurs conflict can arise.
Sociality make this much more complex though.
A parent must be in control of the offspring until it can fend for itself and be independent.
Strangers force themselves on each other to test control/respect. Friendliness is just one possibility of that battle, by being friendly you are forcing the other person to be friendly too or it makes them seem like an outsider/weaker part of a group if they don't commensurate that friendliness shown to them.
Friends are naturally accommodating, and have respect autopilot.
Anyway that's my quick simple thoughts.

 

[wfooshee]

From the standpoint of a dad, I will say flat out that you aren't seeing the respect he gives you. Words like "respect" and "listen" have no similarity in usage or meaning with "agree."

The fact that his viewpoint differs from yours many times, or even most of the time, is a sign of his respect, at least his respect for what he thinks you ought to be. If he didn't respect you, he wouldn't be trying to teach you; he'd turn you loose with whatever you felt like you could get away with. Then, of course, you'd see someone else as not "respecting" you.

BTW, he has earned your respect. You are an enormous burden both financially and emotionally. You simply have no idea. The fact that someone would put up with that voluntarily, repeatedly, and unconditionally, has no equal in the "earning" of respect.

From my own personal viewpoint, I insisted on unquestioned obedience from my kids. It was difficult for them as they weren't mine, they were teenagers when I married their mother. They soon learned that unquestioned obedience wasn't actual tyrrany, it was simply a sign that I needed from them that I was respected. I had no problem discussing the matter, but only after the behavior I wanted was observed. My example for this was me saying, "Hey! Get out of the street! NOW!" Would they rather get hit by the truck or be standing on the roadside thanking me for pointing it out to them? Discussion afterwards turned out to be pretty easy.

Another thing that earned respect in that relationship was consistency. I would keep my word, and expected the same from them. There is no easier path to respect than someone knowing you can be counted on, and no faster loss of it than them knowing you can't be. Be consistent in your behavior, keep your word, and don't treat situations like "If I don't get caught it will be fine." If it's something you shouldn't get caught doing, then it's something you shouldn't be doing. That's a violation of trust, which you can't easily get back once you've broken it.

One last think. My stepson would sometimes tell me, "Hey, I didn't lie. . . I didn't tell you we were doing such and such." Well, allowing someone to think something that's untrue, even though it's what you want them to think, is still a lie, and it's still a trust violation. A lie of omission, is what that's called, and it's still a lie.

Honesty and integrity will get you you respect, but lacking those, you'll never see it.

 

[blaaah]

That can be subjective. You don't give further examples so it's hard to know what the rules are. But say for example a rule might be "you are not allowed to drink alcohol", and you assume this is followed based on respect and trust,i think it's not really a bad thing if it's disobeyed and rebellious nature takes over. It depends on the detail.
To be under total control might be seen as wrong as no control at all.
To be truthful about an indiscretion is still an ideal though. But that truth should only ever be expected naturally if the consequences of revealing it are fair in the mind of the perpetrator.

 

[Omnis]

Respect is not given and must first be lost before it can be earned. Civilized people naturally treat each other with mutual respect. It's something that is just had.

Disagreeing is not disrespecting. If your father is feeling disrespected then you're doing it wrong.

 

[bullie77]

Respect is owed by those who give it, and must be earned by those who receive it.

 

[Danoff]

His view is I should respect him no matter what because he is my father.
My view is that If I don't want to respect him because I feel he doesn't repect me then I don't "have" too.

I disagree.

well im a bit older and i agree that from your fathers view he has already earned his respect and therefore deserves to recieve it from you.

I disagree.

Give people a basic amount of respect to start with and then mirror how they respect you IMO.

I disagree.

BTW, he has earned your respect.

I disagree.

You are an enormous burden both financially and emotionally.

That wasn't his choice was it?

Perhaps lbsf1's father beats him every night. Perhaps the guy is a drunken loser who does nothing but beat his wife, children, and meat while trying to support a family on welfare, food stamps, and unemployment checks. If you know this guy personally, then fine, feel free to say that his father has earned his respect. Otherwise that's not a given.

And your kid doesn't owe you an ounce of anything for the financial burden he represents. You chose to have a kid, you took on the responsibility, not him. You made him, he's your responsibility. I can't imagine someone who would claim that his toddler owes him for all the food he has to give him. It doesn't stop when that kid turns 13.

All of that being said, I'd bet that wfooshee turns out to be right and that lbsf1 is simply missing the respect that his parents are giving him and have earned from him.

A minimum amount of respect is unearned and can be lost. Additional respect above the minimum is earned. It would be unfair to treat the average stranger the way I'd treat my worst enemy. But it would be just as unfair to me and the people I respect the most to treat the average stranger the same way I treat someone who has gone many an extra mile to earn my respect.

Edit: Oh, and another thing. Respect doesn't have to be mutual. If someone is disrespecting you, perhaps you did something to deserve that. That doesn't make it right for you to disrespect them.

 

[orimarc]

My view it's simple:

I'll give you my respect when you earn it.

 

[Keef]

Respect is a pretty complicated word in my opinion. Should you respect a person who is a higher rank (say, in the President) than you? Not necessarily. I wouldn't respect a president who made poor decisions. He's an idiot. But he is the President, and he didn't get there by sitting on the couch. If you think he's wrong, have a discussion and explain to him why you think he's wrong. Converse with him as an equal, not as a subordinate. He's done the rounds and he knows who is who so he'll probably treat you with the same respect for being courageous enough to confront him, even if he thinks you're an idiot high school kid.

Or something like that.

I tend to just respect by the person themselves, never mind who they are or what they do or how many degrees they have. If you're wrong you're wrong. I don't respect wrong. If I'm wrong and you're right but you call me an idiot I'm not going to respect you because you're an asshole. If you're wrong but refuse to accept it I'm not going to respect you because you're a whiner and I don't like whiners.

If you're wrong, admit it, and show an interest in learning the right way then I'll show you respect. If I'm wrong but you try to help me instead of ridicule me then you're worthy of my respect. I try to get along with people in ways like these but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

 

[Ardius]

I like to live by a simple rule: Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. If you treat people with respect, then you usually will get it back. Making people feel like you will listen to and respect what they have to say is enough, even if you disagree with it all.
To answer the question - its both and neither. You give respect to earn respect but you can also earn respect without giving any at all. You can also give respect and not earn any back. The point is that it certainly helps if you give some respect out first!

If you are visibly respecting your father, then its up to him to show some respect back. If you are not giving him any respect, then he would feel less inclined to give you respect (just as you feel now). There is no obligation to show respect simply because he is your father..however, he is (usually) obviously one of the closer people in your life, so it helps to build a relationship of respect than not at all.
If its possible, this is a topic best discussed with your father....

 

[Joey D]

I give people respect when the earn it, and they lose it when they do something the calls for a loss of respect. There are quite a few people I have little or no respect for that I once did because of something they did or said. However, this is only if it actually matters if the other person cares. For example there's several forum members I have no respect for but do you think they care? Probably not. Just as I'm sure several forum members have no respect for me, but I don't care either. The only people I want to have the respect of are those who are close to me and those who sign my pay cheques.

In my opinion, no one is entitled to your respect and you can give it and take it however you wish, it's your respect to give and take after all. And really everyone's guidelines for respect are governed by their own personal morals and ethics. I know people who wouldn't respect me because I own a foreign car, whether you think that's wrong or right can be debated till the cows come home but in the end that person still isn't going to respect me because of my actions and how they feel about them.

 

[blaaah]

There is respect as a whole and respect over parts. To say someone doesn't respect you because of the type of car you own might be an overstatement, they might just not respect your judgement on choice of car and that offends them somehow, but they still might have the capacity to respect you for other skills/behaviour or just for being a human.

 

[Joey D]

Live in Detroit, if respect is all you lose from owning an import then consider yourself lucky. Some of these people would think you vomited on the Pope for buying something that isn't from a domestic auto maker. I can safely say there are people who don't respect any part of me because I own a European car, and really that's fine because I don't want their respect any way since I feel it's worthless.

 

[bullie77]

My view it's simple:

I'll give you my respect when you earn it.

So, until you get to know me, you won't respect me at all? Meaning that you don't respect people you don't know?

 

[Lizard]

Earned.
In the case of your dad he earns it by feeding, housing and clothing you.

 

[Exorcet]

There is a default level of respect that every being deserves before you actually know them. As you know them, they either gain or lose respect.

I'll say now, that being a parent nets you no respect at all. Absolutely none. It is caring for your child/children that you gain respect. If the child is more mature than the adult, the child is the rightful authority.

The problem arises in defining when that is the case. Extreme cases, such as a 2 year old child or a an adult son/daughter [I'm taking equal maturity to fall into the case of the child being a "rightful authority", even in adult hood, a child may be immature, so age is not a garuntee] are fairly east most of the time. But inbetween, it can be difficult to decide. As I was growing up, I fluctuated through thinking that I was being raised too strictly or whether it was fair. Half of the time, I was wrong to question how I was being raised, but looking back, I was justified in speaking out against the other half [half not meaning 50%, but some undefined ratio].

The current system used by society is that parents are in charge until the child moves out. As long as your parents are not bad/abusive (and it doesn't sound like that's the case), just respect them.

BTW, he has earned your respect. You are an enormous burden both financially and emotionally. You simply have no idea. The fact that someone would put up with that voluntarily, repeatedly, and unconditionally, has no equal in the "earning" of respect.

A parent should know what they are getting into when they have kids. It sounds silly, but the child didn't ask to be born. The parent chose to put up with the burden of raising the child. Simply providing money and housing is not enough to earn respect. Sexual reproduction is worth nothing in terms of respect. It must be earned via parenting. Do not just bring a person into the world and keep them alive. Bring them into the world, and help them pursue their goals. I'm not saying that you did not/do not do this, but I don't like the idea of the child as the burden when it is the parents who decide if the child exists at all.






EDIT


Trying to answer the question presented by the thread, I don't know who is right in your situation because I'm not there.

Your father has more life experience than you, and this gives him an advantage when it comes to making decisions. You are young, and might not fully understand things [not saying this is the case, but it's possible], so you might think that you are being cheated when you actually aren't.

One thing I will say, I completely disagree with this:

"Do what I say."

"Why?"

"I'm the parent."

No parent should even use that as the reason for doing something. They should explain their reasoning for the benefit of all involved. Now of course, sometimes kids can be difficult and they won't listen no matter what, so that's a different case. But if your dad never explains himself, try to ask him not to do that nicely. Hopefully, he doesn't take it as "back talk". Understanding will always make things better.

 

[Danoff]

Earned.
In the case of your dad he earns it by feeding, housing and clothing you.

Negative. Feeding, housing, and clothing your child are things you to do avoid going to jail. I don't give someone respect for NOT abusing their child. They chose to have a child, and so they chose to feed, house, and clothe that child.

 

[Lizard]

Negative. Feeding, housing, and clothing your child are things you to do avoid going to jail. I don't give someone respect for NOT abusing their child. They chose to have a child, and so they chose to feed, house, and clothe that child.

So you dont respect your parents for all those things?
Also respect is only earned from the person who you are trying to help for example I respect my mum but I dont expect others to unless she has earned it from them as well.

 

[Joel]

Think of it this way. Next time you see a kid in the store with his parents, do you stop and think "you know, that kid has clothes on. I respect his parents!"

 

[Lizard]

Think of it this way. Next time you see a kid in the store with his parents, do you stop and think "you know, that kid has clothes on. I respect his parents!"

Which is what i mean by respect is only earnt from people you help, be nice too etc not others as well.