Smart ass comments/comebacks

  • Thread starter Renoff
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1) "It was a business doing pleasure with you"
2) "You're a sore sight for eyes"
3) "Did you fail your IQ test?"

Some of the most memorable I've heard in the field:

1) Two couples, dining together, are standing in a pub staring at a table, waiting for the other couple to choose a side of the table to sit at. Eventually one asks the other "What side do you want to sit on?"
The helpful reply: "Backside."

2) Best comeback to a comeback I've ever heard (*bad taste alert*)
"If I wanted comeback from you I'd wipe it off your chin."
 
My favorite is still

"That is so stupid!"
"Your face is stupid!"

Which was the most uncomebackable insult for many years, then someone came back with

"Your mom's face is stupid!"

Which I came up with

"Oh yeah, well you are my mom!"
-or-
"Oh yeah, well your mom is my mom!"

Hahaha still no comebacks to either of those ones. The king of last line.
 
at work we were setting up in car GPS's, somehow the convo got around to this.

Friend to me: I have a GPS so i can find your mum when ever i want.
to which i replied quick as a bullet: You need a GPS to find your way around your mum.

haha.
 
Me, talking to a dumb project manager about some information he said he would get for me from a supplier.

"That's okay, I'll get it from the horse's mouth, not the horse's ass."
 
My friend and I were in a bar watching as several young men attempted to pick up this stunning blond woman seated alone at the bar. We were a bit older than they, and patiently waited for the right moment to swoop in. My friend went first, and came back with the biggest grin on his face I'd ever seen.

"What happened", I asked. He said, "I tried the direct approach figuring she had heard all the one-liners before, so I told her I'd like to get into her pants tonight." So, she said, "I'm sorry, but you see, there's already an a**hole there."

We'll never forget that comeback!
 
Me trying to be sarcastic at my 11 year old son when he didn't shut a door...

"were you born in a barn??"
"well it was good enough for Jesus!!"

cheeky blighter! couldn't be angry cos i was laughing so hard!


there was also an incident recently when Spec was trying to tease him and as quick as a flash he said "i know your just making excuses to talk to me while you undress me in your mind!"

dunno where he gets it from!!
 
Probably my favorite:

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.


The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"


The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
"I haven't got Tourette's Syndrome - you really are a c***."

"I'm not a racist - I drive fast all the time."

"My computer beat me at chess again."
"Try kickboxing with it."

"I'm as pissed as your mom's mattress."

"What are you doing here?"
"Well, Hell was full, so I came back."

"Hey, it doesn't matter. 11 out of every 8 people are mathematically incompetent."
 
The old classic:

"I'd engage in a battle of wits with you but you're only half prepared!"

Or, as revisited by John Cleese in a James Bond movie, when responding to a witty comment from Pearce Brosnan:

"Ah, Bond, I see you brought your wit with you. Well, half of it, anyway..."


There was also a great outtake from the Wing Commander 3 computer game's movie sequences, where Flint is talking to Colonel Blair (played by Mark Hamill)

Flint, slightly flirtateously, and as scripted: "No sir, I wouldn't dream of telling you how to do your job. I just work here."

Hamill's unscripted reply, which did not make it into the game: "Not for long..."

Actually that last one's a lot funnier if you watch it, and remember the original scene. I can't find the vid unfortunately.

Others:

"Stand up and let your brain get some oxygen."
To a short guy who's standing up at the time: "Stand up so we can all see you."

Short, simple, not funny but very effective:
"What are you looking at?"
"Your ugly face."


"I hope you never die."
"Why not?"
"Because if you do, I'll be the ugliest b:censored:d on Earth!"

Person 1:"Oh my God!"
Person 2:"You called?" or "Speaking.." or "Yes, child?"

Person 1 to person eating strange looking and unidentified food: "How can you eat something you can't identify?"
Person eating: "Sometimes it's better that way..."
 
Celebrity Jeopardy (SNL) also has quite a few good ones, especially those pertaining to mothers. 👍
 
exigeracer
My favorite is still

"That is so stupid!"
"Your face is stupid!"

Which was the most uncomebackable insult for many years, then someone came back with

"Your mom's face is stupid!"

Which I came up with

"Oh yeah, well you are my mom!"
-or-
"Oh yeah, well your mom is my mom!"

Hahaha still no comebacks to either of those ones. The king of last line.
Click to expand...

Generally this is how it goes at school:

"That's stupid."
"You're stupid."
"Your mom's stupid."
"Your dad's stupid."
"Your grandma's stupid."
"Your grandpa's stupid."
"Your face is stupid."
"Your mom's face is stupid."
"Your dad's face is stupid."
"Your grandma's face is stupid."
"Your grandpa's face is stupid."
"Your d--- is stupid."
...and so on.

Usually it only gets at most to "your face", but I've been in one that got to the very end when no one could think of anything else.

exigeracer, if you said either of those at my school, they'd say you're a pervert. But hey, good for people not enhanced with hormones!👍

:-)
 
"If there was a competition for stupid people, you'd come second."
"why second?"
"Because you're stupid!"

Don't try use that in anger though. You'll find yourself being declared the winner.
 
"I'm harder to shake than a cocaine addiction."
"Yeah, and you're harder to get to than a midget's [fill in the blank]"

:lol:
 
Omnis
"I'm harder to shake than a cocaine addiction."
"Yeah, and you're harder to get to than a midget's [fill in the blank]"

:lol:
Click to expand...

:lol:

That reminds me of a Douglas Adams one in "Restaurant at the end of the Universe"

Zaphod: "I'm warning you. I'm dangerous when backed into a corner."
Ford: "Yeah. You go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel."
 
Slick6
Probably my favorite:

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.


The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"


The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Click to expand...

:lol: Just got this in an email today.... I actually spit some coffee out on my keyboard....
 
I saw a pretty good one the other day on a clip from the daily show.

John Steward delivered a nasty cutdown, and the guy couldn't think of a snappy comeback so he just said "ok that's one". I realized that was a good escape hatch - to devalue the cutdown while simultaneously putting the fire out.
 
Gil
How about:
"The best part of you obviously ran down your mama's leg."
Click to expand...

A variation of that is "The best part of me obviously ran down your mama's leg.
Maybe we'll have better luck with your little brother."

Or,

"After all the dog contributed to your DNA, you're still an idiot."
 
Renoff
Smart Ass Answer #5:
1 SMART ASS ANSWER
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it , no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Click to expand...

Comes from Bash.org I do believe. Anyway, keep 'em coming guys, I'm actually planning on using some... maybe...
 

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