Smart ass comments/comebacks

[SolidSnake15]

From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

*doorbell rings*

Carlton-Will go get that.
Will-Why don't you get it?
Carlton-Your closer to the door!
Will-Your closer to the floor!

I love that show.

 

[GT Pro]

Some I use commonly:

1. "Wow, you're really smart"

"No, you're just really stupid"

2."Wow, you're rich"

"No, you're just poor"

3. "Stop thinking so negatively"

"If I didn't, I might not be standing here. Having a negative mindset has naturally developed within humans as an essential defence mechanism"

 

[Alfaholic]

3. "Stop thinking so negatively"

How about "Stop telling me how to think when you obviously have no experience of the phenomenon."

Or,

"Stop telling me how to think. I'm better at it than you are."

Or simply, "What would you know about thinking?"

 

[Solid Lifters]

"Oh my god, is that really your face?"

"No. It's a mirror with some **** smeared all over it."

 

[SwitchFX]

Probably my favorite:

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.


The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"


The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

LMAO! That's so hilarious! I can barely type this after laughing so hard at that. lol

 

[TwinTurbos94]

After a stupid comment I said a person said to me:

"You're a coke head for that"

I just said

"Nah, I hate cocaine,I just like the way it smells."

 

[Year.Zero]

Well, I was pissing around Wal Mart at 3 AM recently and not really doing anything.

Then in the book section, I saw the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf and picked it up. I started flipping through, checking it out, when this lady—about 60—approaches telling me, "You can't read you know."

"Of course I can. What do you think I'm doing?"

Not the greatest..

Edit:

It seems most of these aren't really all that smart-ass—just rude.

Thought this one was good, tells you how to be a smartass...while being a smartass:

Being a smartass is very simple; there are only two rules you need to follow.

1. Tell people what they most want to hear, with a straight face.
2. Then tell them the truth.

I thought this was pretty smart, my girlfriend told me she got a new pair of underwear. She turned around and they said "Bottoms Up" on the back.

 

[Solid Lifters]

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

 

[Touring Mars]

The UK's top 25 put-downs were published today...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7264321.stm

Some picks:-

• Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
  
• Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"
  
• Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: "Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face."
  
• Carla - Cheers. Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."
  
• Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?" Jim: "No. We can still see your face."
  
• Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: "Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show." Waldorf: "Who's a fool? You watched it."
  
• JR Ewing - Dallas. "Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks."
  
• Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
  
• Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: "I think you've forgotten who you're talking to." Sam: "An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"

While I'm here, a couple of Woody Allen quotes... from "Broadway Danny Rose":

I don't wanna badmouth the kid, but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.

and from "Love And Death"

Don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother - just not one of mine.

 

[livemusic]

This is a good one when you want someone to stop arguing with you, plus he'll get pretty pissed: "You're still talking?"

One of my favorite comeback in movies is from Kevin Costner on Bodyguard when some woman approaches him and says: "I've been watching you from across the room all night.", to which he replies "So why don't you go back there and keep watching". Might not be those exactly words, I've never watched the movie with the original audio. Anyway, it cracks me up every time.

 

[SolidSnake15]

Well, I was pissing around Wal Mart at 3 AM recently and not really doing anything.

 

[PeterJB]

"So if X equals 4 then what... Peter, are you listening?"

"Yes"

"What did I just say?"

"You said 'Peter are you listening?'!"

 

[GT Pro]

If someone enjoys trying to tell you what to do, such as always asking you to move, or geting out of their 'way', try to diminish their sense of self-importance by replying - "You want ME to move for YOU?"

 

[benzoboy]

"Have a nice day"

"Screw you, I don't have to do what you say"

*Rimshot*

 

[Beerz]

^

 

[DRIFT4EVA]

Family Guy quote I really like. Peter and some guy are having an argument and peter comes back with.... "Your run like your refigerator.... Very homosexually."

 

[nd 4 holden spd]

A girl was wearing a shirt that said "Nobody is perfect.... except me". I really felt like saing to her, "Hello, I'm Nobody", but I'm not an ass.

 

[Rykon Zero]

I am.

 

[Speedster502]

dunno where he gets it from!!

If he watches any cartoons like Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy or even Ed, Edd and Eddie or whatever it is. Thats where he gets it from, seriously cartoons are packed with it these days.

 

[spauldj3800]

Remembered a good one;

Myself and two friends had a free period in school, back in the day. Ended up at a local furniture store, sitting on a display couch playing cards.

Sit there for about five minutes, a salesman comes up and asks "Are you boys right?"
My mate, a comic genius, pipes up and says "Well I'm in the middle, hes right and he is left"

Left us alone after that. We left quickly.

 

[tupacrulez]

Chick in my school: What do I have to be thankful for? (thanksgiving day BS)
Me: Well, you could be glad your old man didn't wipe you off of the latest edition of playboy...

"Your sex life is like concrete." "Solid and rock hard" "Nah. it crumbles unless supported by an outside substance"

*sniff sniff* "I smell P***y...." " that's because i found some last night" "what's the matter, lost yours or something?"

 

[Omnis]

*sniff sniff* I smell pity.

 

[Famine]

I'd swear the thread title has the word "Smart" in it.

 

[TB]

I'd swear the thread title has the word "Smart" in it.

And ass.

Er, never mind.