Dear America, by John Cleese

[Duke]

I also fail to see why a nation that prides itself on its virility needs to strap on forty pounds of body armour just to play rugby.

Because your average rugby player isn't 6'-6" tall and doesn't weigh 300 pounds. Also, the way American-rules football and Rugby are played is quite different. Those guys can get a lot of momentum going before impact.

Nothing against rugby; it's a good game. But football players are not wimps. I'd like to see the average rugby team go up against the average American football team, with or without gear. I think the rugby players would be in for something of a surprise.

 

[TheCracker]

Because your average rugby player isn't 6'-6" tall and doesn't weigh 300 pounds. Also, the way American-rules football and Rugby are played is quite different. Those guys can get a lot of momentum going before impact.

I bet the average American Football player isn't either. Rugby players like Martin Johnson, Lawrence Dallaglio or Jonah Lomu are of a similar height if perhaps slightly lighter - but then they do spend 80 minutes of a game on the field. I'm sure you'd be hard pressed to find a 6'-6", 300lbs wide receiver.

 

[MP]

Found both of the letters to be very funny, each of them was well written. But I feel the humour has been sucked out of them because of the whole UK vs. USA argument going on in the thread.

 

[Beerz]

*snip*
But football players are not wimps. I'd like to see the average rugby team go up against the average American football team, with or without gear. I think the rugby players would be in for something of a surprise.

I can't quite agree with you on that, Duke.
I'm not a big fan of rugby, but I certainly respect them a lot, seeing some matches from time to time.

I sincerely believe many US professional football players wouldn't play the game as it is, without the armours.
Not saying they're wimps or anything, but thinking logically, a normal human being doesn't do that. Hence my respect.

Here are a few shots of rugby. Would anyone here that praises his/her life do this?

Or this?

Or even this?!

Ok, this last one probably doesn't happen much often, but you guys get the point.

And keeping a bit off topic, I'd just like to congratulate my national rugby team for being the first ever amateur team to have entered a world rugby championship, with a shot of them pwning a Scottish player. (at least I think it's Scottish)

Back on topic, I found both texts amusing, but the first one more than the 2nd.
The 2nd one has some near-offensive remarks and is overall slightly pissed, whereas the 1st one is basically a display of humour with a touch of anger/revenge here and there.



Proceed.

 

[Barracuda]

The thing about football players is that they still manage to get career ending injuries with all of their pads on. Without the pads, I doubt there would be any football players left to watch.

 

[Famine]

The thing with "football" is that the safety equipment is there through escalation. Some guys started wearing helmets, so everyone else had to, or they'd get brain damage from the guys wearing helmets...

As TheCracker points out too, rugby is very much a team game, whereas "football" is a squad game - in rugby you have 15 players and 7 substitutes (and a player may enter or leave the field of play just once - you can't come back on after being subbed off) for the 80 minutes. At least 8 players must play the whole 80 minutes. In "football" you have 46 players, of which any combination of 11 are playing at any one time, with unlimited rolling substitutions and no player must be on the field of play for the full 60.

That's not to say it's inferior, but that your typical rugby player may not be taller or heavier, or even quicker, than your typical "football" player, but he certainly has more stamina.

 

[Jim Prower]

Ah, that one again. It's been going around lately.

I think I'll post my personal response.

An answer to the stipulations. (same spirit as Mr. Cleese's. Don't take all that seriously.)

1. Until you can get Scots, Welsh, English, and Irishmen to all pronounce words the same, We will pronounce words as we please. As well, you must call a four-door car a Sedan, not a Saloon, which is a bar.
2. We shall raise our vocabulary so soon as you repair our current schooling system.
3. See #2
4. Jealous? Why don't you take the day off, too? if nothing else, add the Queen's birthday.
5. Will be instated as soon as your McLaren Formula One team quits the childish act of copying Ferrari, and then consulting a lawyer about it.
6. We shall certainly comply once you deal with the drug dealing.
7a. Vauxhalls are Re-Badged Opels, which is a company owned by General Motors, an American Company. We get these cars already as Saturns. We also get Holdens as Pontiacs
7b. Any cars in the Ford lineup that can be replaced by cars in the European lineup shall be. The Mustang stays. Also, applicable cars from the Australian lineup shall be used.
7c. Chrysler Corporation shall be Merged with Renault/Nissan, and Carlos Gohsn shall be the head. Any Nissan V8 will be replaced with the Hemi, all Chrysler V6s will be replaced with Nissans, and all Inline Fours shall be sourced from Renault, save for the excellent SR20DET.
7d. NASCAR shall be replaced with the V8 Supercar Series, with the addition of Dodge. This shall eliminate Toyota, making the populus happy again. BTCC shall not be accepted, as it allows SEAT to compete. as well, we'd like our own round of the World Rally Championship.
7e. SEAT, a rebadged, low-budget Volkswagen, shall not be sold in America. god knows we don't need another Plymouth.
8. This shall happen once an alternative, known as High-speed Rail, is instated. you shall pay for this yourself.
9a. You shall adopt U.S. prices for petrol. In return, we shall adopt your less stringent Emissions and Safety standards, GLADLY. We all become happy.
9b. Because of this, any high-performance models once banned from American roads shall be imported. The one exception is SEAT, as I have met a SEAT owner and I did not much like him.
9c. Caravans shall be allowed to be towed at normal highway speeds. you haven't lived until you've towed a trailer at 80MPH.
10. Gladly.
11. Gladly.
12. Gladly.
13. Rugby shall be, then, the official sport, as "Football" is about as much fun as Formula 1 is to watch.
14. You shall crush the hopes and dreams of many, many Japanese, as well as Chicago Cubs fans. This shall be ignored.
15. We shall, as soon as you tell us who The Stig is.
16. Consider the fact that you're not speaking German now as payment.
17. Gladly.
18. By my calculations, you may want to try the East River. I'm not sure you'll want your tea back, though...

FURTHER DEMANDS
1. Saloons are Bars, Lorry is a Girl's name. The vehicles you use these names for shall be known as "Sedans" and "Semi-Trucks" accordingly.
2. You shall show Top Gear in every market. No exceptions. We would suggest an American presenter, but we fear Clarkson would kill him.
3. Vauxhall shall become either Saturn or Opel, or Saturn and Opel shall become Vauxhall.
4. British-market Chevrolets will be true Chevrolets, not Daewoos.
5. Was an error. sorry.
6. 10% of all high-performance cars from the European market, not previously sold in the United States, Shall be Imported, regardless of Age. This includes cars made before 1990. This exculdes SEAT. We shall export, to you, in exchange, 10% of all American high-performance cars not sold in Britian. That is, If you didn't have those already. We know you've been sneaking them over there. The Japanese would like their GT-Rs returned, too.
7. A High-speed rail network shall be setup. This will be government owned for 3 years, then given back to the current owners, (UP, BNSF, NS, CSX, KCS) as well as...

The Great Western Railway (from BNSF)
The LNER Company (From CSX)
The LMS Company (From UP)
The Southern Railway (Which shall be created by de-merging Norfolk Southern. Norfolk Southern shall become Norfolk and Western.)

These will provide their own passenger services once denationalization takes effect. As well, we shall require one each of the following.

LNER A3
LNER A4
LMS Royal Scots class
LMS Coronation class
GWR Hall
GWR 5700
SR Bullied Pacific

...in operating condition. If a suitable locomotive is not to be found, then one will be built, or the Flying Scotsman shall be taken hostage. As well, your system will be rebuilt to the American loading gauge, so that we may show you SP 4449, UP 3985, and others.
8. We require that you spread the royalty around. We'd like Prince Harry.

God save the Queen

 

[Famine]

5. Rover shall die. MG too.

Too late.

 

[Jim Prower]

They're still owned by an Indian company, on a respirator. Barely living, but that's still not Dead.

"I'm not dead yet!!!!"

 

[Famine]

No, they actually ARE dead. The rights to the shapes of the cars are owned by a Chinese concern (so even MORE flimsy, amazingly) and are being produced in their market under the brand "Roewe" ('cos they don't have the rights to the name).

 

[Jim Prower]

Oh.

Sorry. I think I just proved Mr. Cleese's point. One of them, anyway.

I still think we should have our own LNER A3.

 

[Beerz]

What are "Ponitacs"?

 

[TB]

Typo's.

 

[Jim Prower]

Damnit! I didn't catch that, either.

 

[Eric.]

Try growing up in the society where you learn in metric and live in imperial.

Welcome to America?

 

[Sureboss]

What are "Ponitacs"?

Little nails that you put into small horse-like creatures.

 

[TB]

Little nails that you put into small horse-like creatures.

Awesome.

 

[Smallhorses]

Little nails that you put into small horse-like creatures.

Noooooooooo! *Runs away*




Just to chip in on the Rugby vs. American Football debate:

I'm sure certain athletic types on the American Football team would do pretty well at Rugby, however, I'd dispute Duke's point about them being surprised by a 300lb Linebacker.
Yes, if they got hit by someone like that at full tilt, it'd be shocking, however a 300lb linebacker is on the gridiron very briefly to do one thing: Spend 10 - 20s at a time trying to stop an opposition player from running by. He's not supposed to come out with the Football / Throwball* and if by chance he does, you very, very rarely see them collect the ball and sprint 90 yards with it to score a touchdown, and then get straight back into the starting lineup and be expected to do it all again. He works in 10 - 20s explosive energy bursts and goes to sit down afterwards, and consequently is generally (but not necessarily always) less physically fit, less agile and flabbier than a Rugby player.
The Rugby player is expected to run, tackle, pass and carry the ball repeatedly for 40 minutes without much of a break (except for Scrums) and then do the same again after halftime (or until he's one of the 7 lucky few who're subbed off or, less luckily, goes off injured!)

* Delete as regionally applicable

 

[Giancarlo]

Sigh. These arguments are so foolish. There is no end to them, or purpose. There are several more important things going on in the world.

This article is downright nationalistic. Nationalism is a pointless ideology that does nothing but harm, because it creates delusions of grandeur amongst drunken sports fans.

Funny how that's what everyone is focusing on, isn't it?

 

[Shadow Wulf 2k]

I found the original post funny, especially the one about lawyers, therapists and guns, and the one about football and rugby.

P.S. - I'm American, hey, pobody's nerfect.

 

[Roo]

Sigh. These arguments are so foolish. There is no end to them, or purpose. There are several more important things going on in the world.

What interests the public is very rarely in the public interest.

 

[Cerbrus1983]

Dear Mr R Gates
From now on are troop carriers will be replaced by Mini Coopers with Union Jacks on the roof. Hope this clears up the whole freindly fire issue you guys have.

Yours sincerly

George Robertson

(copy of an email i received, by an American friend!!!)

 

[a6m5]

I believe the "letter" is a double post, but it still is funny as hell.

I was very excited to find out about this American reply letter, but was very disappointed to see how lame it actually was, just like with most of the American replies in this thread. Reference to Japanese getting nuked was actually offensive to me, I'm from there. I have very high regards to the members of gtp, so I am very surprised by some of the responses.

 

[BayConRong]

what i'd think would be hilarious would be if John Cleese argued with a someone who was a patriotic comedian, i can't think of any really off the top of my head except maybe Colbert.

 

[RealCountryDark]

I like. Very humorous. England would you please take Al Gore off our hands & put him in a blender. He emits too much greenhouse gas.

 

[TB]

England would you please take Al Gore off our hands & put him in a blender. He emits too much greenhouse gas.

Wouldn't it be more cost effective, and produce less greenhouse gas as there would be no shipping, to just do it here?

 

[Peter]

England will not kill vipers or corvettes. Theyre jealous that they creamed their british cars on the nurburgring.

 

[Azure Flare]

Am I the only American who found it pretty humourous?

no, I also thought it was amusing

 

[Pupik]

England will not kill vipers or corvettes. Theyre jealous that they creamed their british cars on the nurburgring.

Funny how they will introduce us to German cars, and not British cars, since their automotive empire makes USA's look like a Golden Age of Automobiles.

 

[Seismica]

Ah, that one again. It's been going around lately.

I think I'll post my personal response.

An answer to the stipulations. (same spirit as Mr. Cleese's. Don't take all that seriously.)

1. Until you can get Scots, Welsh, English, and Irishmen to all pronounce words the same, We will pronounce words as we please. As well, you must call a four-door car a Sedan, not a Saloon, which is a bar.
2. We shall raise our vocabulary so soon as you repair our current schooling system.
3. See #2
4. Jealous? Why don't you take the day off, too? if nothing else, add the Queen's birthday.
5. Will be instated as soon as your McLaren Formula One team quits the childish act of copying Ferrari, and then consulting a lawyer about it.
6. We shall certainly comply once you deal with the drug dealing.
7a. Vauxhalls are Re-Badged Opels, which is a company owned by General Motors, an American Company. We get these cars already as Saturns. We also get Holdens as Pontiacs
7b. Any cars in the Ford lineup that can be replaced by cars in the European lineup shall be. The Mustang stays. Also, applicable cars from the Australian lineup shall be used.
7c. Chrysler Corporation shall be Merged with Renault/Nissan, and Carlos Gohsn shall be the head. Any Nissan V8 will be replaced with the Hemi, all Chrysler V6s will be replaced with Nissans, and all Inline Fours shall be sourced from Renault, save for the excellent SR20DET.
7d. NASCAR shall be replaced with the V8 Supercar Series, with the addition of Dodge. This shall eliminate Toyota, making the populus happy again. BTCC shall not be accepted, as it allows SEAT to compete. as well, we'd like our own round of the World Rally Championship.
7e. SEAT, a rebadged, low-budget Volkswagen, shall not be sold in America. god knows we don't need another Plymouth.
8. This shall happen once an alternative, known as High-speed Rail, is instated. you shall pay for this yourself.
9a. You shall adopt U.S. prices for petrol. In return, we shall adopt your less stringent Emissions and Safety standards, GLADLY. We all become happy.
9b. Because of this, any high-performance models once banned from American roads shall be imported. The one exception is SEAT, as I have met a SEAT owner and I did not much like him.
9c. Caravans shall be allowed to be towed at normal highway speeds. you haven't lived until you've towed a trailer at 80MPH.
10. Gladly.
11. Gladly.
12. Gladly.
13. Rugby shall be, then, the official sport, as "Football" is about as much fun as Formula 1 is to watch.
14. You shall crush the hopes and dreams of many, many Japanese, as well as Chicago Cubs fans. This shall be ignored.
15. We shall, as soon as you tell us who The Stig is.
16. Consider the fact that you're not speaking German now as payment.
17. Gladly.
18. By my calculations, you may want to try the East River. I'm not sure you'll want your tea back, though...

FURTHER DEMANDS
1. Saloons are Bars, Lorry is a Girl's name. The vehicles you use these names for shall be known as "Sedans" and "Semi-Trucks" accordingly.
2. You shall show Top Gear in every market. No exceptions. We would suggest an American presenter, but we fear Clarkson would kill him.
3. Vauxhall shall become either Saturn or Opel, or Saturn and Opel shall become Vauxhall.
4. British-market Chevrolets will be true Chevrolets, not Daewoos.
5. Was an error. sorry.
6. 10% of all high-performance cars from the European market, not previously sold in the United States, Shall be Imported, regardless of Age. This includes cars made before 1990. This exculdes SEAT. We shall export, to you, in exchange, 10% of all American high-performance cars not sold in Britian. That is, If you didn't have those already. We know you've been sneaking them over there. The Japanese would like their GT-Rs returned, too.
7. A High-speed rail network shall be setup. This will be government owned for 3 years, then given back to the current owners, (UP, BNSF, NS, CSX, KCS) as well as...

The Great Western Railway (from BNSF)
The LNER Company (From CSX)
The LMS Company (From UP)
The Southern Railway (Which shall be created by de-merging Norfolk Southern. Norfolk Southern shall become Norfolk and Western.)

These will provide their own passenger services once denationalization takes effect. As well, we shall require one each of the following.

LNER A3
LNER A4
LMS Royal Scots class
LMS Coronation class
GWR Hall
GWR 5700
SR Bullied Pacific

...in operating condition. If a suitable locomotive is not to be found, then one will be built, or the Flying Scotsman shall be taken hostage. As well, your system will be rebuilt to the American loading gauge, so that we may show you SP 4449, UP 3985, and others.
8. We require that you spread the royalty around. We'd like Prince Harry.

God save the Queen

This way of thinking kills the thread, most of the info is neither accurate nor humorous.

I particularly laugh at point 9a. The EU has stricter safety and emission regulations than the US by far.

Funny how in the original letter, British cars are pretty much acknowledged to be rubbish, but everyone keeps making a big deal of it