Depression and Anxiety Thread

[Slash]

I've been avoiding the issue but i suppose I should address in the hope that someone can lend some advice. It's not like I haven't put all my woes into GTP threads in the past anyway.

I haven't been properly depressed in a good amount of time. More than a year if I remember correctly.

What I seem to be dealing with and have been since February is a full blown existential crisis. I read that they are often depression related but like I say, I've been in the clear and feeling alright for a good while now.

I just feel like I have no purpose, even though I know I do. I have plenty of things I should be happy for and I am but nothing seems to fill the void I have developed out of nowhere. Hobbies aren't cutting it, my old pal booze into helping out and working just about keeps me busy enough to keep my mind of it for a time.

It's really hard to explain, it's a Dark Night type situation but I really don't feel any traditional methods of dealing with it will work.

At the moment I'm coping fine unlike when I'm depressed which is hell. It really is a strange feeling that perhaps was brought on by realising how complex and vast life can be after finishing a life changing tour.

Anyone else had any experience with this? Would like to here anything any of you guys have to say on the subject.

This is me daily dude. It comes and goes like mood swings by the hour.

 

[Downhill Dino]

I have a question for people on antidepressant drugs to treat depression, ocd, or bipolar disorder, etc. What did it do for you and what was your experience like? Do you feel it helped you? Do you feel like it helped you "get better" or rather do you feel like you depend on it in order to be well?

I wouldn't put it as "get better", but rather put me on the right track. Didn't feel "happier", it was just a dull feeling but I guess it did help as I've been off any sort of thing for a couple years now (does my answering your questions still count?). There are still those ups and downs, that's a given though. The, maybe, only major thing drugs did to help me was getting me to sleep. In those tough times sleep really isn't a thing and that's sort of what I mean by getting me on the right track. Sleep = better mood and no crazy stuff happening to your mind.

Huh, I haven't posted in this thread before have I? Well here we go! I have that clinical depression, what a problem.

 

[GTPVenomZombie]

Can I just say to everyone who is depressed or gets anxious or is stressed or anything like that. The best thing to get stuff off your mind (In my opinion), is play your Xbox/Ps3 etc. Play a game console. Focus on completing a game, or just go for a cruise on GTA/Gran Turismo or Forza. That is what helps me get depressing stuff off my mind. Try it.

 

[Johnny1996]

Can I just say to everyone who is depressed or gets anxious or is stressed or anything like that. The best thing to get stuff off your mind (In my opinion), is play your Xbox/Ps3 etc. Play a game console. Focus on completing a game, or just go for a cruise on GTA/Gran Turismo or Forza. That is what helps me get depressing stuff off my mind. Try it.

In a similar light, my go-to and most effective way of clearing my mind is getting behind the wheels of something, most times on GT6 or some other racing game.

 

[Spirit]

Can I just say to everyone who is depressed or gets anxious or is stressed or anything like that. The best thing to get stuff off your mind (In my opinion), is play your Xbox/Ps3 etc. Play a game console. Focus on completing a game, or just go for a cruise on GTA/Gran Turismo or Forza. That is what helps me get depressing stuff off my mind. Try it.

That only does so much and works for so long. Actually, driving and cruising enable me to think even more as it's almost second nature.

 

[Dan]

I play video games to distract me from my self-hatred, but then I check the time and realize I just wasted another three hours of my life on a game that pisses me off to no end. I will say that I love gaming, but it really isn't productive and it's another excuse to lock myself in my room. As you can tell, I'm not a very sociable person. Gaming and acting on stage (Either at my school or community theater) are my only ways to escape my thoughts. I get very angry when something disrupts my only methods to break away from everything else.

 

[Mike458]

When I say 'once in a while' I mean a couple of days every month, even more lately. Does it qualify as depression? Maybe. That varies from person to person in my opinion. As much as I don't want to think myself as a depressed individual sometimes it's just overwhelming, which is why I'm posting this now. I feel it's time for you all to know just where I'm coming from when I make comments on posts relating to depression, sadness, and just going through a rough time. As hard as this is for me to type I hope I'll feel better once I do...

The first 9 years of my fairly young life wen't great, rather spectacular actually. I remember good friends, good times, and no worries as a daily dish for me. My father was, and luckily still is, a construction supervisor and my mother cleaned houses and our church. We weren't the richest but we got by with what we had, and were thankful for it. This was the way life was for a matter of years, arguably the best years I've had in my (almost) 18.

Sometimes it's really surprising how quickly things can change, just look at how abrupt events like 9/11 and the absurd amount of school shootings were. Well, my life, my whole families' at that, was flipped upside down, shattered, and thrown under a bus in a matter of hours. Now, being a nine year old kid I usually wasn't the one to wake up extremely early. But this wasn't the case on October 26 of '06. Now, I remember about every detail of this day, and while I won't share every detail, please remember that this is the worst day and most traumatic experience of my life. It was about 04:30 in the morning when my instincts woke me. I could hear my dad in the next room, talking with a 911 operator in the most panicked I've ever heard him. I climbed down from my bunk to see what on Earth could possible be going on, and all I remember was my mother's limp body draped across their bed. Instantly I knew something was terribly wrong and I made my way into the living room where I cried on the couch until the fire department kicked the door in. I remember chasing the ambulance to the hospital, and promptly ushered to the waiting room where a kind officer gave me a stuffed bear to clutch. It wasn't until a few hours later we transferred her (most likely by helicopter) to a hospital specializing in heart and cardiovascular care. We stayed there until mid-afternoon, and then went home one short of a family. My father didn't even have to tell me, I just knew once I saw the look on his face. My mother had suffered a rather severe heart attack, and didn't survive. She wasn't obese, and was only 37.

After her death I almost instantly slipped into a deep slum. I didn't socialize with my friends, hardly ate, and even went as far as seriously contemplating killing myself at nine years old. I became seriously introverted at school, which wasn't good because I was picked on for sitting in the corner all day being myself. I still received a little support from the friends I still had but I don't feel it was adequate enough to reverse the effects. Today I still have trouble socializing openly with people because of being picked on. I have only one real friend I can socialize with openly, and I've seemingly missed out on the latter part of my complete school experience.

Things haven't been as bad until recently. Apparently even after eight years I'm still struggling to get through everyday life without having a mental breakdown. I'm heaving a breakdown right now just writing this. My mother was the single most important person to me probably ever, and no matter how hard I try sometimes I just can't fill the void, like trying to square in a heart-shaped hole. My dad did get remarried , which was a joint decision between all of us (and no, I never have, never will consider my step-mom to be a "replacement" for my mother, neither will my father). Their relationship hasn't been the best lately and I fear that I may get to trudge through a divorce as well, which doesn't help a thing. What makes it even worse is that I'm usually thrown in the middle of it and have to take tension from both ends.

Because I can't ride/race my motocross bike for the last couple of years, my 'great escape' at this point is online racing, and consequentially, GTPlanet, which is partially why I feel I can share all of this with you. I'm not really sure if what I've been dealing with can be classified as depression, but I feel that this is the most fitting place to share what's been dragging me down over the years. There's probably more I could add to this but I just can't come to words right now.

Thank you so much if you have read this whole thing. It was about time I got all of this off my chest and into sentences.

I hope you feel better after posting this, hopefully you can find some way out of this. If you want to vent out all your depression, then some of the people here are the people to come to. We're all behind you!

 

[Spirit]

I hope you feel better after posting this, hopefully you can find some way out of this. If you want to vent out all your depression, then some of the people here are the people to come to. We're all behind you!

I'll find some way to deal with it all, hopefully sooner than later. The latter part of paragraph five has become of great issue lately but there's nothing I can do about that (like there was anything I could do about all of this in the first place), I guess this is just the way my life's going to be and I just have to deal with it. As much as I regret posting my personal issues on GTP a lot of the time I have to take it somewhere. It's not like I can take it to Facebook or Twitter, that's asking for trouble with the 'sharks' in those waters. Here's the only place I feel I can be open about things and not have involved parties taunt me for it down the road. It's sad when you can hardly speak to your own family about stuff like this but then again, there's not much I can do about it. I just hope they make the right decision and end this calamity and turmoil, I can't take it anymore.

 

[andrew84555]

I'll find some way to deal with it all, hopefully sooner than later. The latter part of paragraph five has become of great issue lately but there's nothing I can do about that (like there was anything I could do about all of this in the first place), I guess this is just the way my life's going to be and I just have to deal with it. As much as I regret posting my personal issues on GTP a lot of the time I have to take it somewhere. It's not like I can take it to Facebook or Twitter, that's asking for trouble with the 'sharks' in those waters. Here's the only place I feel I can be open about things and not have involved parties taunt me for it down the road. It's sad when you can hardly speak to your own family about stuff like this but then again, there's not much I can do about it. I just hope they make the right decision and end this calamity and turmoil, I can't take it anymore.

I read your post, and feel for you. I have no idea how people cope with such things - you are stronger than you probably realize.

I went through a period of depression at your age (~18) but unlike you there was no real reason for it, it just happened. Depression sneaks up on you, and because you are at an age where you are developing so rapidly, it is very hard to catch - you are a different person at 15 compared to 18, so even those close to you may not catch the changes it can cause.

I guess this is applicable to others in this thread, as I had a similar experience - becoming withdrawn, constantly unhappy, anxious. Video games became a coping mechanism, just like I'm sure they are for many of you. My studies suffered, which added to the pressure, and (in my head) personal relationships suffered as well.

I distinctly remember talking to my dad about his work - he manages a mental health center, specializing in adolescents. When I told him I felt depressed, he was shocked, and in hindsight probably feeling very guilty he had not caught it in his own household. Acknowledging I had depression by telling someone I trusted was terrifying for me, as it was no longer internal, and far more real. I could no longer pretend it didn't exist. But it was also the start of getting to a better place, and my only regret was not speaking out sooner.

Now what I experienced probably does not compare to what you guys a feeling right now, and telling you it will get better is an empty promise across the internet. But if I could speak to my ~18 year old self today, this is what I would say:

• If you think that you are not depressed, just 'down some of the time' you probably have depression.
  
• Go easy on yourself. Beating yourself up only makes things worse.
• Things may not be as bad as you think. Because of my grades, I felt for sure my life was ruined academically and at 18 that seemingly meant my whole life was ruined - it wasn't. People accept that this happens, and want you to succeed rather than fail.
• This ties in with my next point - you are not the only one. Depression is an evil SOB because it isolates you, and makes you feel separated, alone and unable to ask for help. Realize that you are not the only person to have felt this way, and you won't be the last.
  
• Don't ignore it. Accept that you are unwell and seek help. Despite no longer taking anti depressants or going to counseling or anything, I don't think I am 'cured' of depression now - I just understand and accept it, and how it acts within me. For me it was a profound and irrational sense of guilt. I was feeling guilty about feeling guilty, and feeling guilty because, unlike redbullrider20, I had nothing to be depressed about. Depression doesn't make sense.
• I really did not want pity-it just made me feel worse. I found that helping people out with small things, like mowing lawns, fixing computers etc. made me feel much better, along with exercise.
  
• Mostly importantly, talk to someone. By getting your thoughts out, be it here or with a trusted friend or family member, talking it out will help you understand what you are going through. Things that seem insurmountable in your head often seem much easier to handle when they are out in the open.

Now I really should get back to studying. I am not a religious man, but my thoughts are with all of you. Go easy and look after yourselves.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Dammit, been instructed by my boss to seek medical help as my current state is having a detrimental effect on the company. No pressure.

 

[Alutec]

This is me daily dude. It comes and goes like mood swings by the hour.

Same here. But I try to dust myself off each time I swing.

 

[Spirit]

...you are stronger than you probably realize.

Certainly not feeling all that strong right now. I have had some people tell me though that my 'life story' is something they couldn't handle, well, I beg to differ. I'm pretty certain I'm not the only person in the world, let alone here, who has lost a parent so young and is still breathing. With what I'm getting at, the stronger you are, the softer you are, more sensitive to things. I certainly am.

I went through a period of depression at your age (~18) but unlike you there was no real reason for it, it just happened.

I was doing just fine until right around mid-July, so I don't think you're alone there. I don't even know what triggered it, it just hit me, like it did in '06.

...becoming withdrawn, constantly unhappy, anxious...

Yes, yes, and yes. You seem to know what you're talking about. I'm reluctant to even be anywhere other my bedroom right now. All everyone seems to do in this house anymore is start a dispute, insult each other (with words and actions that is), and make this divorce that's taking place appear to be each other's fault. So I'm afraid that if I go down there, I'll be "lynched" for things I have nothing to do with, just an innocent bystander who fell for the illusion of "normal". I've come to the conclusion that normal will never exist for me, never again. It's just an idea, illusion, stereotype, etc. now.

If you think that you are not depressed, just 'down some of the time' you probably have depression.

Like I told in my "story", I was trying to think just that. Now after doing some observing and self-assessment, as much as I hate it, I probably do have depression.

Mostly importantly, talk to someone.

That's why I've been posting here. Just to express what I'm feeling and what I've been dealing with. I tried to keep a journal, but that didn't seem to help. No one saw it, read it, or cared for it for that matter (was actually laughed at by some after admitting I kept one...) so I just stopped.

Your post contains some very real information and advice, for that I thank you. I hope you're doing well today than what you were then. 👍 And I'm sure I'll take care of myself, don't really have any intention of self harm or suicide right now, I certainly hope I never resort to that.

 

[Aki Ko]

Yes, yes, and yes. You seem to know what you're talking about. I'm reluctant to even be anywhere other my bedroom right now. All everyone seems to do in this house anymore is start a dispute, insult each other (with words and actions that is), and make this divorce that's taking place appear to be each other's fault. So I'm afraid that if I go down there, I'll be "lynched" for things I have nothing to do with, just an innocent bystander who fell for the illusion of "normal". I've come to the conclusion that normal will never exist for me, never again. It's just an idea, illusion, stereotype, etc. now.

From my point-of-view, normalcy in this case is just society made. I recall reading a post from W3HS that in past time, it was normal to be neutral, that happiness is a modern thing. I definitely won't deny that. There is no set definition of 'normal'; what people call 'normal' is what they have dealt with in their own personal life or what they have been taught to think that is normal. Examples are the differences between you and your friends, or me. It's normal for me to be nice and caring; it may be normal for you to be neutral or depressed. That can extend to every piece of life everywhere, even beyond the level of the earth. Normalcy isn't just one thing, but normalcy can be an idea, illusion, stereotype, or etc.

That's why I've been posting here. Just to express what I'm feeling and what I've been dealing with. I tried to keep a journal, but that didn't seem to help. No one saw it, read it, or cared for it for that matter (was actually laughed at by some after admitting I kept one...) so I just stopped.

That irks me. People... society doesn't seem to understand the severity of it until either they went through it themselves or it is too late to act. They don't understand that some need to be heard and taken seriously. Some don't understand that having a journal isn't just a gender specific (girls) thing to have. Talk to people you seriously trust, like on here. Some people in real life just aren't worth dealing with.

 

[Lizard]

I've been avoiding the issue but i suppose I should address in the hope that someone can lend some advice. It's not like I haven't put all my woes into GTP threads in the past anyway.

I haven't been properly depressed in a good amount of time. More than a year if I remember correctly.

What I seem to be dealing with and have been since February is a full blown existential crisis. I read that they are often depression related but like I say, I've been in the clear and feeling alright for a good while now.

I just feel like I have no purpose, even though I know I do. I have plenty of things I should be happy for and I am but nothing seems to fill the void I have developed out of nowhere. Hobbies aren't cutting it, my old pal booze into helping out and working just about keeps me busy enough to keep my mind of it for a time.

It's really hard to explain, it's a Dark Night type situation but I really don't feel any traditional methods of dealing with it will work.

At the moment I'm coping fine unlike when I'm depressed which is hell. It really is a strange feeling that perhaps was brought on by realising how complex and vast life can be after finishing a life changing tour.

Anyone else had any experience with this? Would like to here anything any of you guys have to say on the subject.

Sounds like my year of hell. Only difference is I didn't know I did have a purpose.
Not sure what to advise as my issue got solved because circumstances changed.

 

[W3H5]

It think it might be circumstantial for me too.

 

[andrew84555]

Yes, yes, and yes. You seem to know what you're talking about. I'm reluctant to even be anywhere other my bedroom right now. All everyone seems to do in this house anymore is start a dispute, insult each other (with words and actions that is), and make this divorce that's taking place appear to be each other's fault. So I'm afraid that if I go down there, I'll be "lynched" for things I have nothing to do with, just an innocent bystander who fell for the illusion of "normal". I've come to the conclusion that normal will never exist for me, never again. It's just an idea, illusion, stereotype, etc. now.

Divorces are nasty, messy things. They cause people to lose perspective and become blind to what is happening to others around them. I guess all you can do is try not to get dragged down with it, and keep talking to people who have your best interests at heart.

As for 'normal' - I only recognized what depression was once I got out of it. I felt the same way, that things would never be normal ever again. I later realized that while life may never go back to the way it was before, it can certainly get better, and I sincerely hope it does for you and everyone else here.

 

[W3H5]

It's been a while since I've been medicated and I'm now back on Prozac. I'm not ashamed of it. I need it.

The last week a friend of mine passed away and naturally it upset me. It's really difficult to put on the act of cheeriness which is necessary for my job and during a few classes I felt like I was close to just walking out and having to catch my breath. I remembered to breath properly and got over those close encounters but the anxiety didn't subside so I had to consider the pills again.

It's odd knowing that they're already working after perhaps a year without any and only a week on. I honestly thought I was hardwired by the meds so that I wouldn't need them anymore but I realise now that isn't the case.

So without signs of a depression approaching but with an abundance of anxiety I still feel like I'm in an existential crisis but that doesn't seem to be depression related so I'll save comment on that for now.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Thought this was an interesting article some, infact I'm sure many here, will identify with. http://www.slate.com/blogs/behold/2..._of_people_living.html?wpsrc=sh_all_dt_tw_top

 

[roamer2629]

When I say 'once in a while' I mean a couple of days every month, even more lately. Does it qualify as depression? Maybe. That varies from person to person in my opinion. As much as I don't want to think myself as a depressed individual sometimes it's just overwhelming, which is why I'm posting this now. I feel it's time for you all to know just where I'm coming from when I make comments on posts relating to depression, sadness, and just going through a rough time. As hard as this is for me to type I hope I'll feel better once I do...

The first 9 years of my fairly young life wen't great, rather spectacular actually. I remember good friends, good times, and no worries as a daily dish for me. My father was, and luckily still is, a construction supervisor and my mother cleaned houses and our church. We weren't the richest but we got by with what we had, and were thankful for it. This was the way life was for a matter of years, arguably the best years I've had in my (almost) 18.

Sometimes it's really surprising how quickly things can change, just look at how abrupt events like 9/11 and the absurd amount of school shootings were. Well, my life, my whole families' at that, was flipped upside down, shattered, and thrown under a bus in a matter of hours. Now, being a nine year old kid I usually wasn't the one to wake up extremely early. But this wasn't the case on October 26 of '06. Now, I remember about every detail of this day, and while I won't share every detail, please remember that this is the worst day and most traumatic experience of my life. It was about 04:30 in the morning when my instincts woke me. I could hear my dad in the next room, talking with a 911 operator in the most panicked I've ever heard him. I climbed down from my bunk to see what on Earth could possible be going on, and all I remember was my mother's limp body draped across their bed. Instantly I knew something was terribly wrong and I made my way into the living room where I cried on the couch until the fire department kicked the door in. I remember chasing the ambulance to the hospital, and promptly ushered to the waiting room where a kind officer gave me a stuffed bear to clutch. It wasn't until a few hours later we transferred her (most likely by helicopter) to a hospital specializing in heart and cardiovascular care. We stayed there until mid-afternoon, and then went home one short of a family. My father didn't even have to tell me, I just knew once I saw the look on his face. My mother had suffered a rather severe heart attack, and didn't survive. She wasn't obese, and was only 37.

After her death I almost instantly slipped into a deep slum. I didn't socialize with my friends, hardly ate, and even went as far as seriously contemplating killing myself at nine years old. I became seriously introverted at school, which wasn't good because I was picked on for sitting in the corner all day being myself. I still received a little support from the friends I still had but I don't feel it was adequate enough to reverse the effects. Today I still have trouble socializing openly with people because of being picked on. I have only one real friend I can socialize with openly, and I've seemingly missed out on the latter part of my complete school experience.

Things haven't been as bad until recently. Apparently even after eight years I'm still struggling to get through everyday life without having a mental breakdown. I'm heaving a breakdown right now just writing this. My mother was the single most important person to me probably ever, and no matter how hard I try sometimes I just can't fill the void, like trying to square in a heart-shaped hole. My dad did get remarried , which was a joint decision between all of us (and no, I never have, never will consider my step-mom to be a "replacement" for my mother, neither will my father). Their relationship hasn't been the best lately and I fear that I may get to trudge through a divorce as well, which doesn't help a thing. What makes it even worse is that I'm usually thrown in the middle of it and have to take tension from both ends.

Because I can't ride/race my motocross bike for the last couple of years, my 'great escape' at this point is online racing, and consequentially, GTPlanet, which is partially why I feel I can share all of this with you. I'm not really sure if what I've been dealing with can be classified as depression, but I feel that this is the most fitting place to share what's been dragging me down over the years. There's probably more I could add to this but I just can't come to words right now.

Thank you so much if you have read this whole thing. It was about time I got all of this off my chest and into sentences.

I'm turned 40 years old this year, and, like you did, I lost one of my parents when I was young. And, also a bit of a pariah at school. There's no explanations or answers for what people have to go through, no evident masterplan to get clues from. If I understood correctly you are 17 now, and still trying to figure out what's your part in life. I will not pretend to have any right to tell you what to, not even to tell you I understand what you have suffered, but I can tell you my life looked pretty depressing when I was your age. And I can also tell you that very soon you will be able to choose for yourself what's right or wrong, choose the people you surround yourself with, and then, alternatives and destinies you might not even dream of now will become a reality.
After much work (spiritual and earthly) I've been happily married for 17 years, own my house, have three fantastic friends and have never lived a day having to do something I knew I could not live with. So hang in there my friend, you seem like an intelligent, sensitive young man, and I'm sure a path to happiness is somewhere waiting for you in the next few years. Please don't deny yourself that right. We are free, my friend, only when we believe we are the masters of our own fate.
Last, for all it's worth, the lessons I learned after my dad died made me the men I am today, and even if I would cut a finger in my hand to be able to have one last chat with him, at least I know it was not just senseless tragedy.
Hope this will help you see the future with a bit more hope
Javier

 

[GTboyz]

I don't know if i'm actually depressed but since i have experienced feeling down like some of the post here i thought i can relate.

Nowadays i easily feel down at most things, especially at seeing myself as not useful for not having a job. I'm still studying at uni and maybe its normal to not have a job yet since i'm still a student though at the same time it is normal to have a part time job. Most of my friends had jobs and it makes me feel that i have no responsibility at all since i only help my parents business and it doesn't count as having a job. I want to look for a job but i still can't find my passion and i fear of disrupting my education part. Maybe its peer pressure or something i don't know. At the same time, i constantly trying to pick myself up, researching n how to improve myself as a person (i think i have anger issues, i easily ticked off and swore a lot). Still though, not having a job like anyone else bumps me off a lot even though it's okay to not have a job and focus on my education right now.

I feel really, really useless for not being able to figure out what i can really do at the age of 21. Most of all i'm frustrated at having difficulties of controlling my anger. It made me feel really childish.

 

[Aki Ko]

Oh right. This thread.

October always seems to be the worst month for me dealing with depression. The week October 12th to October 19th was a difficult time for me, majority of it. October 12th: I got really upset to the point that I cried twice, and in the next morning I woke up. It takes a lot for me to cry that much, but it happened. That really dampened my Monday (October 13th) since I became unusually quiet, but nobody said anything about it. It was also the day of mid-terms in the first two periods, so I had to force myself to mentally "get-up" so I don't mess it up. I passed both of them just fine. October 14th: I had to write up a rough draft in third period, and another test in fourth. I did have major writer's block, so it was difficult to get it down on paper. I did fine enough in my fourth period. I was trying to be productive that day, and it sort of was.

But then October 15th hit, the first year that one of my close cousins died of old age (or cancer. She smoked quite a bit). I was already feeling mellow when I left for school, but as soon as I was about to enter the school, I get a call from my mother informing me that my Aunt Sarah died during the night. Ouch. So I had to deal with that in mind while getting ready to take the PSAT shortly after that. Then in fourth period, I had to do a presentation when I clearly not in the mood to do so. I somehow got the highest grade of the group when I clearly made a few faults, but I presume the teacher knew about my situation.

Just the past four days alone had worn me out and I was upset enough on one particular day, but life shows no mercy.

Fast forward, I had to go to my aunt's funeral that Sunday. They made us walk in front of her body in the casket, which was disturbing to me yet I didn't change face. During the service, the topic somehow got to desire. My mind drifted off to the many times that I wanted to die, but then I snapped back into what was really going on. Radda radda radda, funeral over, life goes on.

But for the following two weeks, I've been having depressive episodes that start in my fourth period class. I didn't feel like I have any real friends. I don't fit into any social circle; all I do is float around a current one, but I sometimes feel ignored since I have to repeat myself to get any attention to the person I'm trying to talk to. As a result, I didn't bother to try so much anymore. So, I go all silent during class and don't participate in anything that's going on except for the assignment that's been asked. When school ends, I get in my car and leave with no words said.

That's when the depressive thoughts occurs: the sense of worthlessness, emptiness, lack of interest in anything, etc (other symptoms). What makes it worse is that I tend to image any bad situation that can happen to me such as being raped, being molested, being choked, being stabbed, being shot, collapsing over some health issue, the lot. I know I shouldn't have those thoughts, but I'm so done with living right about now... like I had been at age 14. I want to be harmed, yet I don't want to. I want out of this life, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Is there something wrong with me?

So far, November hasn't been bad, but I shouldn't jinx it by saying anything about it (I sort of jinxed someone into having an allergic reaction the past Friday...).

 

[phillgt2002]

That's when the depressive thoughts occurs: the sense of worthlessness, emptiness, lack of interest in anything, etc (other symptoms). What makes it worse is that I tend to image any bad situation that can happen to me such as being raped, being molested, being choked, being stabbed, being shot, collapsing over some health issue, the lot. I know I shouldn't have those thoughts, but I'm so done with living right about now... like I had been at age 14. I want to be harmed, yet I don't want to. I want out of this life, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Is there something wrong with me?

So far, November hasn't been bad, but I shouldn't jinx it by saying anything about it (I sort of jinxed someone into having an

I'll tell what I think of your situation when I sit at a computer to type it out better, but, you're making yourself invisible. participate in class if you want people to notice you.

I have more to say, but it's late.

 

[Aki Ko]

I'll tell what I think of your situation when I sit at a computer to type it out better, but, you're making yourself invisible. participate in class if you want people to notice you.

I have more to say, but it's late.

It doesn't matter if I do participate. At the end of the day, I'm still by myself. Nobody calls for me unless they want something out of me. On the contrary to others, they'll talk and giggle all day long while I feel like an outcast. That's why I get depressed about.

 

[Gerarghini]

Nevee in my life would I find myself in this thread at 5 in the morning, but I just have to share since I can't get some sleep.

Anyways, there's this girl whom I deeply care about and just last night, and she explained to me her ongoing depression story... Her feeling of exclusion, and outcast of sorts. It was quite the complex story, using an image or idea to convey what she need to say without literally saying it. Outside of me acting like a psychiatrist, I was saddened immensely. And it hurt. A lot.

She never looked like the person who's have an issue. I've only known her for a month, but she looked so innocent and kinda carefree that I was so shocked to see what she was going through. I can't sleep right now because it's bothering me too much, but doesn't everyone go through a phase where they're just depressed for whatever reason?

 

[MatskiMonk]

Nevee in my life would I find myself in this thread at 5 in the morning, but I just have to share since I can't get some sleep.

Anyways, there's this girl whom I deeply care about and just last night, and she explained to me her ongoing depression story... Her feeling of exclusion, and outcast of sorts. It was quite the complex story, using an image or idea to convey what she need to say without literally saying it. Outside of me acting like a psychiatrist, I was saddened immensely. And it hurt. A lot.

She never looked like the person who's have an issue. I've only known her for a month, but she looked so innocent and kinda carefree that I was so shocked to see what she was going through. I can't sleep right now because it's bothering me too much, but doesn't everyone go through a phase where they're just depressed for whatever reason?

Depression is brain chemistry, it may even be in our DNA, also, we are the sum of our experiences. There's a lot of factor that go into a persons depression, and how it manifests itself, and it's very difficult sometimes to see past the persona that someone may display in public.

 

[jus1029]

You'll be surprised to see me in this thread, but most of my life, I've been under the influence of depression. It mostly has something to do with feeling left out and academics.

You see, I'm the weakest link in my school batch, the last person to be chosen, etc. Back then in grade school, I was the prime target in being wrongly teased as a gay. (I better point out that back then, my knowledge of homosexuality was very limited) It brought me down, but as the years progressed, the name-calling withered and the ignoring began. To this date, even if I've tried to bring myself up, I still feel like...nobody.

The second one was something I've created thanks to the ignorance, poor grades. As I felt left out, I perform poorly in school, taking my time browsing the internet (like right now) looking for a new life. Take note: I used "perform" in present tense since it's still happening to this date. With the downfall of grades, I knew my life is worthless in this world, so back then, I had a few suicide attempts...all failed. However, that does not mean the thought has left my mind.

I am a loser...but will it last forever?

I hope this reply made sense because I feel like I'm wasting your time. I'll try to answer your clarifications.

 

[phillgt2002]

It doesn't matter if I do participate. At the end of the day, I'm still by myself. Nobody calls for me unless they want something out of me. On the contrary to others, they'll talk and giggle all day long while I feel like an outcast. That's why I get depressed about.

That irks me. People... society doesn't seem to understand the severity of it until either they went through it themselves or it is too late to act. They don't understand that some need to be heard and taken seriously. Some don't understand that having a journal isn't just a gender specific (girls) thing to have. Talk to people you seriously trust, like on here. Some people in real life just aren't worth dealing with.

Jesus Christ, dude. Alright. Here is what I have to say for you and many others in this thread.

If you want to be heard, known, and taken seriously, you have to speak up otherwise no one will notice you.

You participating in class can impact you majorly in terms of socialization. There is no reason to be depressed about others enjoying themselves. The main reason why you're not being included in discussions is because you don't open up a door of interest for others. For instance... You're sitting there in the corner not saying anything, and there are people near by, those people are your class-mates. Let's say that they're discussing things about the class. You're known to participate in the class and are very knowledgeable in the subject, so they ask you to come over and join them. It's happened to me, and it doesn't adhere to just that situation. Humans simply want to be around people they can converse with and people who have similar interests or someone that can provide them with a service. If you don't say much or speak about your opinions, who will be able to decode what you're about?

You say that the only time people come around is if they want something... Well, like you, you're posting on GTPlanet to basically be heard by us. You want something from us. It's either you want pity or simply advice. You have to understand that in order for us as humans to socialize, we have to have to be able to sense who will have worth to our live's. No one is going to talk to you if they feel like they're not going to get anything from you, whether it's words, an opinion or simply sex, which is something that has a MAJOR factor in this.

I understand that you're depressed, and you're conversing with a person who has gone through many flash stages of depression, and I'm honestly still battling the **** today. I don't post much about my personal life online because it's not going to get me anywhere. Sitting here, posting walls of text, and digging up problems is not going to help you or me. If you want to change, you have to take some initiative in the process of it, because it's not going to all of a sudden happen over night.

So, I go all silent during class and don't participate in anything that's going on except for the assignment that's been asked. When school ends, I get in my car and leave with no words said.

I'm a quiet dude, and honestly, if I want my presence to be known, I make people listen to me. Trust me, just try to start sub topics about events that relate to the class topic. That is one way to let people know what you think.

There have been many times where I just don't speak to anyone in my classroom. Realize that as you age, you become less social. Try and use this time to get to know at-least some people in your vicinity. Not everyone will like you and something that I noticed is that you can't please everyone in sight, though you can let them know that you exist, and honestly, it's not really that hard despite all of the events that have taken place in your life for the past few years.

If you think you're a wonderful person and can make people happy, then maybe it's you that is being selfish instead of the people out enjoying themselves. Make yourself a factor to possibly improve and change their life, because honestly, there nothing better than the feeling of making someone feel better through doing something for them or simply listening. Let people come to you knowing that you're giving them your service as simply being there for them.. Really, life is simply all about that.

You'll be surprised to see me in this thread, but most of my life, I've been under the influence of depression. It mostly has something to do with feeling left out and academics.

You see, I'm the weakest link in my school batch, the last person to be chosen, etc. Back then in grade school, I was the prime target in being wrongly teased as a gay. (I better point out that back then, my knowledge of homosexuality was very limited) It brought me down, but as the years progressed, the name-calling withered and the ignoring began. To this date, even if I've tried to bring myself up, I still feel like...nobody.

The second one was something I've created thanks to the ignorance, poor grades. As I felt left out, I perform poorly in school, taking my time browsing the internet (like right now) looking for a new life. Take note: I used "perform" in present tense since it's still happening to this date. With the downfall of grades, I knew my life is worthless in this world, so back then, I had a few suicide attempts...all failed. However, that does not mean the thought has left my mind.

I am a loser...but will it last forever?

I hope this reply made sense because I feel like I'm wasting your time. I'll try to answer your clarifications.

You aren't a loser. Read what I posted above.

 

[Dan]

Nevee in my life would I find myself in this thread at 5 in the morning, but I just have to share since I can't get some sleep.

Anyways, there's this girl whom I deeply care about and just last night, and she explained to me her ongoing depression story... Her feeling of exclusion, and outcast of sorts. It was quite the complex story, using an image or idea to convey what she need to say without literally saying it. Outside of me acting like a psychiatrist, I was saddened immensely. And it hurt. A lot.

She never looked like the person who's have an issue. I've only known her for a month, but she looked so innocent and kinda carefree that I was so shocked to see what she was going through. I can't sleep right now because it's bothering me too much, but doesn't everyone go through a phase where they're just depressed for whatever reason?

I'm glad you brought this up, because it's very important: Depression can affect anyone. There are probably dozens of people you know that are suffering from symptoms of depression. They are suffering in silence. There's many reasons why they won't talk about it. The stigma of mental illness is cruel and prevents people with serious issues from getting the help they need.

When you mentioned a girl having depression, and you never expected them to have it, that reminded me of a girl I'm friends with. She is always upbeat, cheery, and usually has a big smile on her face. One day, she noticed I was really sad and started asking me about what was going on. I told I would text her about it later. When I got home, I told her my story, and she revealed that she self-harms and has to take medications for her depression.

 

[Gerarghini]

I'm glad you brought this up, because it's very important: Depression can affect anyone. There are probably dozens of people you know that are suffering from symptoms of depression. They are suffering in silence. There's many reasons why they won't talk about it. The stigma of mental illness is cruel and prevents people with serious issues from getting the help they need.

When you mentioned a girl having depression, and you never expected them to have it, that reminded me of a girl I'm friends with. She is always upbeat, cheery, and usually has a big smile on her face. One day, she noticed I was really sad and started asking me about what was going on. I told I would text her about it later. When I got home, I told her my story, and she revealed that she self-harms and has to take medications for her depression.

For me, depression sorta just comes and goes. Many of my peeps always describe me as comical, sarcastic, rarely serious, stuff like that, but I guess depression for me is just easier for me to deal with I guess. For others it could be the same, and for others it could be so serious that even they don't know the harm they're dealing themselves.

Luckily for me, she opened up about it even though she said she's afraid I would turn her down or something. And it's quite sad since she also self-harms (and an image I can't forget) and has to take medication for that sort of stuff. I mean, never in my life would I've thought someone like her to go through that, I always assumed it'd be someone like myself, someone who's generally regarded as an outcast, someone without belonging. When she was the one that felt that way, I couldn't understand why and that's what sucks because I don't know how to help.

What's better/worse is that she described her feelings about me and I was so moved, but I don't know whether her saying that helped her case or not. All i can right now is be there for her I guess.

 

[Dan]

For me, depression sorta just comes and goes. Many of my peeps always describe me as comical, sarcastic, rarely serious, stuff like that, but I guess depression for me is just easier for me to deal with I guess. For others it could be the same, and for others it could be so serious that even they don't know the harm they're dealing themselves.

Luckily for me, she opened up about it even though she said she's afraid I would turn her down or something. And it's quite sad since she also self-harms (and an image I can't forget) and has to take medication for that sort of stuff. I mean, never in my life would I've thought someone like her to go through that, I always assumed it'd be someone like myself, someone who's generally regarded as an outcast, someone without belonging. When she was the one that felt that way, I couldn't understand why and that's what sucks because I don't know how to help.

What's better/worse is that she described her feelings about me and I was so moved, but I don't know whether her saying that helped her case or not. All i can right now is be there for her I guess.

That's good that you're there for her. It can make a big difference for someone to be able to reveal their secret that they've been hiding for a long time. Stay with her and just listen to her. Let her say everything that's on her mind. You might not think it helps much, but you really could be.