Depression and Anxiety Thread

[EF12345678]

OK. One question: What do you like to do?

 

[LeMansAid]

That is the primary reason I'm so depressed, because I get treated like a "social reject".

I don't believe that it works like that. Stop to realise that some people would experience the same treatment, and worse, and it would be ""water off a duck's back". I just wrote elsewhere about how colour doesn't actually exist. How we only have a perception of colour based on what light is absorbed or reflected. It's similarly down to what experiences we absorb or reflect that generate our "colour" states.

I've read that our subconscious processes information faster than our conscious mind, and that our conscious thoughts are subject to what our subconscious offers it. Based on learned behaviours, our subconscious feeds us lies. We end up with filters that mean we absorb what would otherwise be reflected. So - father was abusive, mother didn't protect, I'm not worth protecting, becomes my filter. It's the "I am not worth" filter, and I personally have had it so far in my life.

You need something to hold tight too. Some hope. Something that you know you can do! Go help people, something to make you feel good about yourself. You see that man on the side of the road?

I don't believe that it works like that either. A positive distraction is still just a distraction. The feeling will be fleeting.

There are two main choices - reflect all light, and be blissfully ignorant and "colourless", or work towards removing the filters. The latter is the hard road, but the one that I'm treading inch by inch.

 

[EF12345678]

I don't believe that it works like that either. A positive distraction is still just a distraction. The feeling will be fleeting.

Yes. Every feeling will cease at some point, but if it's good it might jump start your attitude to be more positive. You need to push through every brick wall, no matter how thick.

It's like winding that toy up so it can go where you want it to go.

 

[Michael88]

OK. One question: What do you like to do?

I asked myself that question countless times, I've never had an answer.

 

[EF12345678]

I asked myself that question countless times, I've never had an answer.

Any dreams, passions, or hobbies?

 

[Michael88]

Yes, but as my senses and emotions dull my hobbies and passions cease to serve their purpose, I really feel nothing but unbearable inner pain and bleakness anymore.

 

[LeMansAid]

Yes, but as my senses and emotions dull my hobbies and passions cease to serve their purpose, I really feel nothing but pain and bleakness anymore.

Exactly, it's like asking someone with no sense of taste what their favourite food is. The issue is the lack of sense, not the lack of food.

 

[EF12345678]

Yes, but as my senses and emotions dull my hobbies and passions cease to serve their purpose, I really feel nothing but unbearable inner pain and bleakness anymore.

Exactly, it's like asking someone with no sense of taste what their favourite food is. The issue is the lack of sense, not the lack of food.

This is where I am not able to provide a response because I have no experience in the field. I would seek professional help and tell them everything that you've commented on here. Including the lack of sense and not knowing what you like to do.

 

[Michael88]

Been there, done that, professionals handed out Psychopharmaca right away, I've responded terribly to all of them. Also the conversations didn't help, like I said, they didn't tell or ask me anything I haven't told or asked myself a thousand times before.

But whatever.

 

[EF12345678]

Been there, done that, professionals handed out Psychopharmaca right away, I've responded terribly to all of them. Also the conversations didn't help, like I said, they didn't tell or ask me anything I haven't told or asked myself a thousand times before.

But whatever.

It's not that I don't want to help; I just I can't relate to the feelings you're experiencing.

 

[Michael88]

Thank you for trying.

 

[LeMansAid]

Been there, done that, professionals handed out Psychopharmaca right away, I've responded terribly to all of them. Also the conversations didn't help, like I said, they didn't tell or ask me anything I haven't told or asked myself a thousand times before.

But whatever.

It took me a few tries to find a drug that didn't have serious side-effects, and quite a few tries to find a psychiatrist that was even remotely useful. With every other psyche, I felt like I was leading them through the process. A psychoanalyst (type of psychiatry) will tend to focus much less on the drugs, and more on the frustratingly slow, but occasionally useful, process of gaining insights in to how we ended up as who we are.

To be honest I don't know how much the drug helps, but I'm confident that it doesn't hinder. I had no choice but to find ways to protect myself as a child, it's just that those protection mechanisms are a problem now. I'm a very convincing automaton, but an automaton all the same.

Accelerated change is reportedly possible through methods utilising ayahuasca among others, but I've not been down that road as yet.

 

[W3H5]

@Michael88, have you tried removing yourself from the situation? Getting away from a regular routine can sometimes help get your head out of a slump.

 

[Michael88]

With every other psyche, I felt like I was leading them through the process.

Exactly, that´s why I'm done with psychoanalysts, can't be bothered to try again. Also drugs that alter my brain chemistry is not really a solution, my problems persist, I'll just have an altered perception.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Exactly, that´s why I'm done with psychoanalysts, can't be bothered to try again. Also drugs that alter my brain chemistry is not really a solution, my problems persist, I'll just have an altered perception.

Whilst I agree that often treatments for depression don't treat the causes, you can't ignore the neuro-chemical aspects of depression, it's even genetic. If you were severely myopic, you'd get lasered, contacts, or glasses... Why view depression differently?

 

[LeMansAid]

Exactly, that´s why I'm done with psychoanalysts, can't be bothered to try again. Also drugs that alter my brain chemistry is not really a solution, my problems persist, I'll just have an altered perception.

In movie terms, it's like there are professionals that are directors, writers, or viewers. Obviously we don't want viewers because the most they can offer is commentary, these are the psyches that need to be lead, especially when the patient operates on a deep level. Psychologists tend to be more like writers, and try to enact functional behavioural changes, filling the "script" with their ideas for therapeutic living. The director types are the ones that are active, but only with the content that the patient provides. Trouble is, these "directors" can often appear to be at the same level as the "viewer" type. It was very important for me to not let my cynicism get in the way when I eventually did find a "director".

I also needed to realise that the reason it's such a slow process is because I make it so. Much of what I present to people is a synthesised version of the real me, an un-emotional, non-vulnerable version. Emotions, by the way, have very much been synthesised also. How does a doctor get past that? It's like looking at two photos of the same scene - one digital, one analogue. Up close, the make up of the pictures will be evident, but the individual pixels on the synthesised version are not discernible from a distance. That's the challenge for a doctor when a very well digitised version is in front of them, it's very difficult for them to know if they are talking to the real or the fake. So, where some people hide behind a facade, others hide in plain sight, with that trick. The facade type is a much more straight forward proposition for doctors.

 

[kennylmao]

I don't believe that it works like that either. A positive distraction is still just a distraction. The feeling will be fleeting.

There are two main choices - reflect all light, and be blissfully ignorant and "colourless", or work towards removing the filters. The latter is the hard road, but the one that I'm treading inch by inch.

Distractions in life; isn't that what we all live for?* Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, tv, music, video games, toys, humans, etc. Feel free to add to the list or rearrange however you want. I can't help but get that feeling, is there something more?

Is 'removing the filters' meaning to see the world for what it truly is?

*Probably doesn't apply to those who believe in "God's plan"

@Michael88 I think I can roughly make out the problem you are facing but I'm unsure so I'll ask, would you describe what you are going through right now as somewhat of an existential crisis?

 

[Omnis]

I have a question for people on antidepressant drugs to treat depression, ocd, or bipolar disorder, etc. What did it do for you and what was your experience like? Do you feel it helped you? Do you feel like it helped you "get better" or rather do you feel like you depend on it in order to be well?

 

[MatskiMonk]

I have a question for people on antidepressant drugs to treat depression, ocd, or bipolar disorder, etc. What did it do for you and what was your experience like? Do you feel it helped you? Do you feel like it helped you "get better" or rather do you feel like you depend on it in order to be well?

In my personal experience with fluoextine, citalopram and sertraline (low-level default go to prescription meds in the UK), they didn't work. I started on fluoextine (Prozac) and for the first week it felt great - I'm pretty sure though, that this was just the relief of knowing that I was finally attempting to make a change. I ended up doubling my dose to try and get an effect, I thought it was working but to be honest I couldn't be sure. I reported this back to my doctor who put me on citalopram. The effect of this was to turn sadness in to anger - given my penchant at the time for doing things with razors that I shouldn't, it was quickly decided to go back to fluoxetine. Dosages went up and down, periods without, and an attempt back on citalopram.. but, in the end I just stopped taking them because they didn't seem to make any difference. It's worth noting that throughout my time on meds I didn't make much attempt to actually change anything in my life, I was expecting the pills to do it for me, and obviously they didn't. Sertraline was prescribed to try and combat what had become virtually paralysing anxiety. Only gave it a month, and then an external influence (i.e. a person) made much more of a difference than the meds.

So in my personal experience they're a waste of time... HOWEVER, my sister has been on some form of medication for about 20 years, along with therapy. If she goes a full week without meds she completely falls apart, personally I can't imagine the meds still being effective after this long, so whilst I would say she is very dependent on them, I think it's almost a placebo. A friend also started on fluoxetine when he had relationship problems, that was about 4 years ago, he's since totally turned his life around (again, mostly thanks to meeting the right person in my opinion)... but I know he still takes the pills.

That's just my small experience. For a while, during one of my better periods, I was talking to a lot of younger people about issues they had with self-harm, and whilst that's a different kettle of fish, some of the stories I heard about how meds made people feel weren't very good at all - they seemed mostly designed to render people incapable of doing anything at all, perhaps better than the alternative, but certainly not a better quality of life than living with depression etc.

Just my two cents, I'm certainly not an expert on medications.

 

[W3H5]

I've been used a few on and off for the past 8 or so years.

Citilapram had a mild effect but I was on a dose given to depressed pregnant woman so perhaps that's why they didn't work.

Deantics seemed to help with anxiety but did little for the depression.

The little pink pill that I don't know the name of didn't work. I tried similar substances to Prozac but non of them came close to the actual stuff (Fluroxetine).

It took a few years on that and some changes to my life but it definitely helped.

I feel like it permanently rewired my brain so that I can now function without it and have been doing so for around a year. I did wean myself off of them slowly though.

I can't say for sure if the effect is certain to last. It might be just a short time before I'm needing the pills again or I might be a decade. Only time will tell.

They seem to have limited the depression side of things so that if I get on a downer it isn't for too long or as severe as it has been in the past. They don't seem to have done anything to suppress the manic episodes which is great because I thrive on them and have no reason to consider them a problem.

Every antidepressant or anti anxiety med I've ever taken has affected my sex drive. It hasn't had any performance effects but seems to have permanently damaged my need/ want to have any kind if physical sexual relations.
I guess this is just a side affect for the antipsychotic element within some of the meds I've had and I can honestly say it's a small price to pay for a relatively normal existence.

 

[CAMAROBOY69]

My manic phase of my depression is kicking in, which is always kind of scary. My thoughts are racing, my head spinning with negative thoughts that just wont stop - and even though I haven't slept more than 3 hours per day the last two weeks I feel so hyper that I can continue my office work plus weight lifting 1.5 hours / day.
Its very mentally draining though, my mental abilities are definitely impaired, I'm really slow and my short time memory is almost non-existent right now.

The really bad thing is that will go on for weeks till it goes away all of a sudden, and there is nothing I can do.

I know exactly what you are going through and have noticed it is slowing happening to me again. Happens to me every year during the winter. The cold just destroys me. When its sunny, hot, and beautiful out during the summer, I naturally am very happy. But something about the cold, dark, winter days just brings me down and I lose ALL motivation. Overall I am generally a very happy person, just something that this weather, I struggle with every year.

I try to counter the depression by only doing things that make me happy. I try to avoid negative people and negative situations. Especially when I am online gaming. I find that seems to help quite a bit. If I am depressed I avoid any vs multiplayer games. I only play co-op games or games that involve working together. Or I just watch movies. I also try to avoid any type of depressing movies or depressing music. GTP does help a lot too most of the time as long as I avoid threads that have arguments. That's where the ignore list comes in handy.

 

[LeMansAid]

Distractions in life; isn't that what we all live for?* Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, tv, music, video games, toys, humans, etc. Feel free to add to the list or rearrange however you want. I can't help but get that feeling, is there something more?

Is 'removing the filters' meaning to see the world for what it truly is?

*Probably doesn't apply to those who believe in "God's plan"

The way I referred to filters was explaining that our conscious minds work only with what our subconscious minds throughput. Sometimes it means that instead of seeing a detractor as the arse that they are, one might heap the blame on themselves. Unless the filter in the subconscious is altered, the same state will remain. No amount of distraction will change it, only temporarily mask it.

@Omnis I don't feel like my drug (Miclobemide) does that much for me, but after freaking out on only one half of a Zoloft tablet, and having my heart skip beats while on Prozac, I was happy to find something that was if anything a bit on the tame side.

If I was to use two categories - painkiller and equaliser - I would be in the former. My issues are largely due to experience and the drug gives me a bit of a boost to help with keeping me going, in order to try and sort all that crap out. For others that I know, it appears to act not as an aid but adjustment to make them feel "normal".

I don't feel like I'm dependent, but I, if anything, am too pragmatic and controlled. I have issues with releasing myself, not with controlling myself, so I don't fear being without them at all, and certainly not as much as someone requiring help in controlling themselves might.

 

[Spirit]

Sounds cliché but I just want to tell all of you here that you are awesome! I read this thread and it brings new perspective on life and just how bad things are compared to what they could be. It's cool that you guys can share what's dragging you down and I have mad respect for that. As much as I'd like to post here sometimes, I don't feel like it's depression rather than just feeling down once and a while. Stay strong guys, I'm rooting for you!

 

[kikie]

I have a question for people on antidepressant drugs to treat depression, ocd, or bipolar disorder, etc. What did it do for you and what was your experience like? Do you feel it helped you? Do you feel like it helped you "get better" or rather do you feel like you depend on it in order to be well?

Edit. Trying to help @Omnis and answering his question seems to be a waste of time on my part.

 

[Spirit]

As much as I'd like to post here sometimes, I don't feel like it's depression rather than just feeling down once and a while.

When I say 'once in a while' I mean a couple of days every month, even more lately. Does it qualify as depression? Maybe. That varies from person to person in my opinion. As much as I don't want to think myself as a depressed individual sometimes it's just overwhelming, which is why I'm posting this now. I feel it's time for you all to know just where I'm coming from when I make comments on posts relating to depression, sadness, and just going through a rough time. As hard as this is for me to type I hope I'll feel better once I do...

The first 9 years of my fairly young life wen't great, rather spectacular actually. I remember good friends, good times, and no worries as a daily dish for me. My father was, and luckily still is, a construction supervisor and my mother cleaned houses and our church. We weren't the richest but we got by with what we had, and were thankful for it. This was the way life was for a matter of years, arguably the best years I've had in my (almost) 18.

Sometimes it's really surprising how quickly things can change, just look at how abrupt events like 9/11 and the absurd amount of school shootings were. Well, my life, my whole families' at that, was flipped upside down, shattered, and thrown under a bus in a matter of hours. Now, being a nine year old kid I usually wasn't the one to wake up extremely early. But this wasn't the case on October 26 of '06. Now, I remember about every detail of this day, and while I won't share every detail, please remember that this is the worst day and most traumatic experience of my life. It was about 04:30 in the morning when my instincts woke me. I could hear my dad in the next room, talking with a 911 operator in the most panicked I've ever heard him. I climbed down from my bunk to see what on Earth could possible be going on, and all I remember was my mother's limp body draped across their bed. Instantly I knew something was terribly wrong and I made my way into the living room where I cried on the couch until the fire department kicked the door in. I remember chasing the ambulance to the hospital, and promptly ushered to the waiting room where a kind officer gave me a stuffed bear to clutch. It wasn't until a few hours later we transferred her (most likely by helicopter) to a hospital specializing in heart and cardiovascular care. We stayed there until mid-afternoon, and then went home one short of a family. My father didn't even have to tell me, I just knew once I saw the look on his face. My mother had suffered a rather severe heart attack, and didn't survive. She wasn't obese, and was only 37.

After her death I almost instantly slipped into a deep slum. I didn't socialize with my friends, hardly ate, and even went as far as seriously contemplating killing myself at nine years old. I became seriously introverted at school, which wasn't good because I was picked on for sitting in the corner all day being myself. I still received a little support from the friends I still had but I don't feel it was adequate enough to reverse the effects. Today I still have trouble socializing openly with people because of being picked on. I have only one real friend I can socialize with openly, and I've seemingly missed out on the latter part of my complete school experience.

Things haven't been as bad until recently. Apparently even after eight years I'm still struggling to get through everyday life without having a mental breakdown. I'm heaving a breakdown right now just writing this. My mother was the single most important person to me probably ever, and no matter how hard I try sometimes I just can't fill the void, like trying to square in a heart-shaped hole. My dad did get remarried , which was a joint decision between all of us (and no, I never have, never will consider my step-mom to be a "replacement" for my mother, neither will my father). Their relationship hasn't been the best lately and I fear that I may get to trudge through a divorce as well, which doesn't help a thing. What makes it even worse is that I'm usually thrown in the middle of it and have to take tension from both ends.

Because I can't ride/race my motocross bike for the last couple of years, my 'great escape' at this point is online racing, and consequentially, GTPlanet, which is partially why I feel I can share all of this with you. I'm not really sure if what I've been dealing with can be classified as depression, but I feel that this is the most fitting place to share what's been dragging me down over the years. There's probably more I could add to this but I just can't come to words right now.

Thank you so much if you have read this whole thing. It was about time I got all of this off my chest and into sentences.

 

[MatskiMonk]

When I say 'once in a while' I mean a couple of days every month, even more lately. Does it qualify as depression? Maybe. That varies from person to person in my opinion. As much as I don't want to think myself as a depressed individual sometimes it's just overwhelming, which is why I'm posting this now. I feel it's time for you all to know just where I'm coming from when I make comments on posts relating to depression, sadness, and just going through a rough time. As hard as this is for me to type I hope I'll feel better once I do...

The first 9 years of my fairly young life wen't great, rather spectacular actually. I remember good friends, good times, and no worries as a daily dish for me. My father was, and luckily still is, a construction supervisor and my mother cleaned houses and our church. We weren't the richest but we got by with what we had, and were thankful for it. This was the way life was for a matter of years, arguably the best years I've had in my (almost) 18.

Sometimes it's really surprising how quickly things can change, just look at how abrupt events like 9/11 and the absurd amount of school shootings were. Well, my life, my whole families' at that, was flipped upside down, shattered, and thrown under a bus in a matter of hours. Now, being a nine year old kid I usually wasn't the one to wake up extremely early. But this wasn't the case on October 26 of '06. Now, I remember about every detail of this day, and while I won't share every detail, please remember that this is the worst day and most traumatic experience of my life. It was about 04:30 in the morning when my instincts woke me. I could hear my dad in the next room, talking with a 911 operator in the most panicked I've ever heard him. I climbed down from my bunk to see what on Earth could possible be going on, and all I remember was my mother's limp body draped across their bed. Instantly I knew something was terribly wrong and I made my way into the living room where I cried on the couch until the fire department kicked the door in. I remember chasing the ambulance to the hospital, and promptly ushered to the waiting room where a kind officer gave me a stuffed bear to clutch. It wasn't until a few hours later we transferred her (most likely by helicopter) to a hospital specializing in heart and cardiovascular care. We stayed there until mid-afternoon, and then went home one short of a family. My father didn't even have to tell me, I just knew once I saw the look on his face. My mother had suffered a rather severe heart attack, and didn't survive. She wasn't obese, and was only 37.

After her death I almost instantly slipped into a deep slum. I didn't socialize with my friends, hardly ate, and even went as far as seriously contemplating killing myself at nine years old. I became seriously introverted at school, which wasn't good because I was picked on for sitting in the corner all day being myself. I still received a little support from the friends I still had but I don't feel it was adequate enough to reverse the effects. Today I still have trouble socializing openly with people because of being picked on. I have only one real friend I can socialize with openly, and I've seemingly missed out on the latter part of my complete school experience.

Things haven't been as bad until recently. Apparently even after eight years I'm still struggling to get through everyday life without having a mental breakdown. I'm heaving a breakdown right now just writing this. My mother was the single most important person to me probably ever, and no matter how hard I try sometimes I just can't fill the void, like trying to square in a heart-shaped hole. My dad did get remarried , which was a joint decision between all of us (and no, I never have, never will consider my step-mom to be a "replacement" for my mother, neither will my father). Their relationship hasn't been the best lately and I fear that I may get to trudge through a divorce as well, which doesn't help a thing. What makes it even worse is that I'm usually thrown in the middle of it and have to take tension from both ends.

Because I can't ride/race my motocross bike for the last couple of years, my 'great escape' at this point is online racing, and consequentially, GTPlanet, which is partially why I feel I can share all of this with you. I'm not really sure if what I've been dealing with can be classified as depression, but I feel that this is the most fitting place to share what's been dragging me down over the years. There's probably more I could add to this but I just can't come to words right now.

Thank you so much if you have read this whole thing. It was about time I got all of this off my chest and into sentences.

Loosing a loved one, no matter at what age must be tough, but at 9 I guess we don't have tools to rationalise such an event. I really hope you do feel a little relieved at least now you've posted anyway, well done.

 

[W3H5]

I've been avoiding the issue but i suppose I should address in the hope that someone can lend some advice. It's not like I haven't put all my woes into GTP threads in the past anyway.

I haven't been properly depressed in a good amount of time. More than a year if I remember correctly.

What I seem to be dealing with and have been since February is a full blown existential crisis. I read that they are often depression related but like I say, I've been in the clear and feeling alright for a good while now.

I just feel like I have no purpose, even though I know I do. I have plenty of things I should be happy for and I am but nothing seems to fill the void I have developed out of nowhere. Hobbies aren't cutting it, my old pal booze into helping out and working just about keeps me busy enough to keep my mind of it for a time.

It's really hard to explain, it's a Dark Night type situation but I really don't feel any traditional methods of dealing with it will work.

At the moment I'm coping fine unlike when I'm depressed which is hell. It really is a strange feeling that perhaps was brought on by realising how complex and vast life can be after finishing a life changing tour.

Anyone else had any experience with this? Would like to here anything any of you guys have to say on the subject.

 

[Spirit]

I really hope you do feel a little relieved at least now you've posted anyway, well done.

Yeah, I'm doing a little better now. Not in the perkiest of moods but definitely better than last night. Sometimes I just need to speak what I'm feeling and last night was one of those times. Thanks.

 

[Dan]

My situation right now is basically this:

Imagine a button on a table in front of you. If you were to press it, you would die instantly. Most days I have my hand right on the button. Others, it is further away from me. The past few days, that button has been relatively far away, but I feel like it's coming back again. This is a hypothetical button, I should say. It's not real.

 

[CAMAROBOY69]

I've been avoiding the issue but i suppose I should address in the hope that someone can lend some advice. It's not like I haven't put all my woes into GTP threads in the past anyway.

I haven't been properly depressed in a good amount of time. More than a year if I remember correctly.

What I seem to be dealing with and have been since February is a full blown existential crisis. I read that they are often depression related but like I say, I've been in the clear and feeling alright for a good while now.

I just feel like I have no purpose, even though I know I do. I have plenty of things I should be happy for and I am but nothing seems to fill the void I have developed out of nowhere. Hobbies aren't cutting it, my old pal booze into helping out and working just about keeps me busy enough to keep my mind of it for a time.

It's really hard to explain, it's a Dark Night type situation but I really don't feel any traditional methods of dealing with it will work.

At the moment I'm coping fine unlike when I'm depressed which is hell. It really is a strange feeling that perhaps was brought on by realising how complex and vast life can be after finishing a life changing tour.

Anyone else had any experience with this? Would like to here anything any of you guys have to say on the subject.

I really don't even like talking about this but sheesh it feels like you are reading my mind. A few random things happened early yesterday that just hit me wrong. For whatever reason I went into a really bad depression yesterday and haven't been that "trapped" feeling in a long time. Since winter. I just could not get happy yesterday no matter what. all that happens is bad thoughts and just feel like I don't belong. bla bla bla. So I just pretty much avoided any confrontation and didn't even play with any of my online friends last night. Ended up just going to bed early in hopes to just end the day, end the depression, and start all over again. The crappy gloomy dark weather does not help at all.

Today I feel great and feel normal and happy. I am going to start taking more vitamin D3 pills and see if that helps at all since I cant get any vitamin d from the sun in the fall/winter. Whenever the sun is shining, I am naturally happy. But dang when its not, its an every day struggle.

My situation right now is basically this:
Imagine a button on a table in front of you. If you were to press it, you would die instantly. Most days I have my hand right on the button. Others, it is further away from me. The past few days, that button has been relatively far away, but I feel like it's coming back again. This is a hypothetical button, I should say. It's not real.

I know that exact feeling. Especially during the winter.