Depression and Anxiety Thread

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

Hmm...My room is painted all in black though there's some colored objects of course and I hate light so its always dark where I'm at. But color and darkness didn't have any impact about my emotions but it has mentally. Uniformity and dullness make me focus. I have bigger problems about not being focused (about work etc because my mind flies a lot, its very active) than depression as it really does not bothered me at all. Even at the worst of times. I don't even remember the last time I felt sad and I'm not happy either. I think "focus" about things can make you forget that you're sad or happy. But it leaves you tired and fatigued if you focused too much.

 

[Michael88]

For over one decade I've been suffering from clinical non-treatable depression, none of my medications have worked and in my late teens I was at the border of becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
I started to climb out of that pit with the help of power lifting, weight lifting, rigorous cardio like cycling for hundreds of kilometers, mountain climbing and other demanding time plus energy consuming hobbies.
The less time and energy you have to ponder about the utter futility of everything the better.

Don't get me wrong, my depressions will always be there but being occupied all the times and having goals keeps the crap at bay like a dam and I can actually live a life thats worth living.

 

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

For over one decade I've been suffering from clinical non-treatable depression, none of my medications have worked and in my late teens I was at the border of becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
I started to climb out of that pit with the help of power lifting, weight lifting, rigorous cardio like cycling for hundreds of kilometers, mountain climbing and other demanding time plus energy consuming hobbies.
The less time and energy you have to ponder about the utter futility of everything the better.

Don't get me wrong, my depressions will always be there but being occupied all the times and having goals keeps the crap at bay like a dam and I can actually live a life thats worth living.

Yes, channel your energy to more important things, to life than use it to drown yourself into depression.

 

[W3H5]

Don't get me wrong, my depressions will always be there but being occupied all the times and having goals keeps the crap at bay like a dam and I can actually live a life thats worth living.

Quoted for truth. Distraction is a great way to put depression in its place.

Cycling really helped for me, as did playing GT4 in a meditative kind of way.

Ultimately though it takes time to break through a depressive episode and find a way to battle it. I would saying doing that is one of the hardest parts of the road to recovery.

 

[Michael88]

Like they say, boredom is the devils playground.

Yes, channel your energy to more important things, to life than use it to drown yourself into depression.

And the fun thing is, if you convert all the negative energy into power you'll excel at sports and physically demanding things. You'll be tougher and have way more durability and ambition than most other people who live a happy relatively carefree life.
Always remember that depression is a form of power, you can convert any power to use it to your advantage. Love, anger, hate, you name it.

 

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

Like they say, boredom is the devils playground.

And the fun thing is, if you convert all the negative energy into power you'll excel at sports and physically demanding things. You'll be tougher and have way more durability and ambition than most other people who live a happy relatively carefree life.
Always remember that depression is a form of power, you can convert any power to use it to your advantage. Love, anger, hate, you name it.

From a man who's been there and fought all the darkness inside him, I trust and approve of this.

 

[Danoff]

Deleted.

Probably a bad idea.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Well since I've got a few minutes... my story is as follows, I'm not really posting it for help, advice, or sympathy, but just in case it helps others to feel more comfortable about talking through their situation.

I've never been a particularly happy person, since as long as I can remember. My life has been okay, my parents were pretty good all things considered, my upbringing was pretty good, I'm basically physically fit, normal, and healthy. I wasn't abused, I didn't blend my pet cat when I was 6... nothing like that. But like I say, I've never felt particularly happy. I struggled being sociable at school, not least because I lived in a small village miles from anywhere, and miles from my friends. I think I was about 14, and I started self-harming, predictable stuff, just cutting, and done so no-one would see.

At 15 I got a part time job in a shop, I was pretty shy, and mostly really struggled with it, but I learned to act like my boss, be all jolly and stuff, it was only a mask, but it seemed to work. My late teens and college were also pretty lonely affairs, I had some good friends, but again, not really any social life to speak of. Whilst at college I still felt terrible a lot of the time, I got pretty angry as a person, but again, kept it hidden, and there was still the occasional issue with self harm. I'll admit, there had been very little action in terms of female company up until this stage, and that didn't help for sure.

In fact, unrequited love (as much as it is when hormones rule!), and boredom carried on for a bit, my social life still sucked, so I took up drinking, at home. To begin with it was a lot of fun, and didn't take much, Southern Comfort mostly (I have a wicked sweet tooth), but it carried on. Distractions came and went, and the drinking got worse. I started going out, on my own to get drunk too. It was still fun, I was a funny drunk, and other than an empty wallet it wasn't costing me much. But I was still unhappy, the self harm carried on, I'd fallen for a girl - who it turned out wasn't as interested as I was, and things then took a big nose-dive. I was about 22/23 at this stage, still occasionally self-harmed, bottle of SoCo each day, and I got pretty wreckless to, started endangering others --- all mostly behind the scenes, I still wore the mask of the Jolly person on the outside. Somewhere along the line suicide had become an option, and one staged I was pretty sure I had become a schizophrenic - though it was probably just being drunk all the time (still pretty scary though).

It was at this stage I went to the doctor.

I didn't really feel comfortable about talking through things, and just kind of fobbed him off with excuses, ended up on fluoxetine, which, other than giving me random giggle fits after several drinks didn't really do much. I changed jobs, moved out of home, started getting in bigger debt, and carried on drinking... really it then carried on like this for a few years... occasional visits do the doctors, different meds... mostly stuff I stopped taking after a month or two. Therapy was attempted, but didn't go anywhere as I never felt able to talk about things. It was up and down for a bit, my job was paying more, met new people, new hobbies, new iterations of Gran Turismo came and went. The debt carried on, the drinking carried on, but more focused binge drinking at the weekends as I realised turning up to work with 15 units in my bloodstream every morning was going to end in badness....

I'm now 35, and well.. all of that old stuff has become dull background noise, but things are still pretty much the same. A couple of years back I started getting paralysing anxiety, the odd panic attack etc, the drinking is still regular and hard-core, though after these years it does more harm than good, it's mostly stripped my digestive tract and I'm pretty sure some form of cancer is on the cards within the next few years... also most of my back teeth are rotting away thanks to passing out drunk after drinking 2 litres of cola each night with my SoCo!

You'll have to excuse me if some of that didn't make sense, I was trying to keep it short, and I've left out lots of details for the sake of privacy..

I won't mention what I'm currently going through, that's for another time.

But, the moral of this story (and it's aimed more at the younger people) is, IF you think you have a problem, DO something about it, things will not just get better on their own. Before you know it, you will be 35, have done nothing your life other than shortening it by 30 years, things won't just get better, you have to take action. You can loose your life to depression without suicide.. and it doesn't have to happen. It can seem like a huge mountain to climb, but with every step you take it gets easier , and it's not a journey you have to take on your own. I never spoke to my family about things, or my friends - to this day most people don't know this much about me, and I never put the effort in with talking to the Doctor. I regret many many things in my life, and trust me, it's not fun to have to live with that... so please try to make a change before the rot sets in.

That's all. Damn, it's nearly 1am on Friday night, and I've not had a drink yet!

 

[Dan]

Please keep this thread going.

 

[Aki Ko]

Didn't know this thread actually existed, but it's probably because I've joined some time in 2013 and haven't explored a lot of GTPlanet. But, I guess I'll add some content to this thread.

"Wait, why is this guy Aki Ishikawa posting in here? Every time I see him, he seems like he's fine with a good life, being nice to some and being active in some parts of GTP."
Well, guess what Sherlock? I also have a background that I don't share too often. EVERYBODY has some sort of background, good and bad.

Here's the side you hear about when it comes to me: I'm an active GTPer who is 16 and is generally friendly to people at first. He also happened to be gay and isn't afraid to tell others that he is when it's appropriate. He's very caring and will send a word of worry to anyone who seems down; basically helping people out. Some of these people include @Slash, @Johnny1996, and some others. He even drives a Lexus GS 300, a car most of us never thought about driving. You might as well call him spoiled. Radda radda radda, add your comment.

But what you don't know... is that I've also been in a dark state, the kind you'd never see me in and the kind I'd tried not to let you see. Let me explain.

For one, my dad isn't the best of fathers. At the age of 8, I was informed from my dad that I was going to have a little sister... by a different mother. I don't know about you, but that annoys me that he did something that he had no business of doing and having to be stuck with another person to look after occasionally. I will actually tell you that I don't really like her, but I'm not going to say that she deserves to be discarded. I'd just rather not deal with taking care of children, especially considering how I declared I'm not having any kids of my own unless they're adopted. Speaking of care, this past week up until Wednesday/yesterday, my dad has barely cared for her while she was here for the passing week. He did get her money for school clothes shopping this past Saturday up to $300 for her (and $300 for me, which I barely spent half of that that day), but my mother had to take her to go shopping because my dad had to work (and he isn't the one to ask about clothing either). BUT, even I know he was slightly annoyed by her considering how often she eats (and she's 8 years old and I don't eat as much as she do). Even when we took her back to her grandma's house that Wednesday (because I would've been gone for some of the day and there would've been nobody to look after her), he hasn't mentioned a word about her being gone yet. Two full days without mentioning her.

Then, he was deployed overseas to Afghanistan for majority of my middle school years, so I went about 2-3 years without a fatherly figure at a time where I wasn't particularly social with other kids up until late 8th grade to 9th grade (I'm barely social in high school now). I've adapted to be a mother's child, so I want to avoid being around him because of him not being particularly sensitive toward his own son.
And then there was the time where I watched him push on my mother/his wife and being arrested in front of me (charged with domestic violence) which was where I lost respect for him there and then.
And between that time to now, he has a bad drinking habit to where I'm not sure if he'll make it to 50 years old or more. Earlier this months..... no actually when I was registering for school on a wrong day (August 6), my mom came home at 10:30 AM after leaving work for a few minutes and find my dad hasn't came home. He came home at about 11 AM and I overheard my mum fussing at him for coming home late. Even now, he's coming home very late.... late as in my mum and sister leaves for work and he still hasn't returned (6AM-8:30AM) and my mum is pissed about it as it is.

Then you have my personal life. I've been sheltered for most of my life, which is why you see me active online somewhere. I don't really explore or go anywhere by myself since most of the time I'm called for most of the time to do something for someone else. Hell, even today I was called to do something for someone. That's why I can be pretty social able to a stranger (because I've spent so much time sheltered I'm not worried about the consequences to some people. How else are you going to meet others?). My family doesn't really acknowledge my sensitivity most of the time which is why I'd rather stay in my room nearly all of the time. Then you have the difficulty of being gay and not being out to other people, which leads to this.
And then you have my mentality- it's not always stable.

You honestly have no idea how many times I thought that I want to harm someone... but then my mind clicks and suddenly I'm sympathetic and then I click over to depression. I've been depressed over unrequited love (just earlier this year), over my existence and why I should exist, over.... life in general and whether I should've committed suicide. If it wasn't for caring so damn much about others, I would've done so by now or earlier because honestly I don't see a reason to. When I get depressed, I become a whole different person to what you usually see; I become anti-social, lack sympathy and care for other people, basically all of the symptoms of depression.

My depression isn't often, but it happens. I've tried not to be as depressed as I usually be because nobody likes it when I become a completely different person, but if it happens, I'll try to hide it unless it comes out to someone (which then would spread like wildfire).
Will I get help? No, because I'm stubborn and a pessimist. I'd resist like hell if you tried to get me help. At least I know that I have my internal problems.

But you have at least a rough sketch based on part of my life.

 

[MatskiMonk]

My depression isn't often, but it happens. I've tried not to be as depressed as I usually be because nobody likes it when I become a completely different person, but if it happens, I'll try to hide it unless it comes out to someone (which then would spread like wildfire).
Will I get help? No, because I'm stubborn and a pessimist. I'd resist like hell if you tried to get me help. At least I know that I have my internal problems.

Sounds tough, it's important that you recognise the changes you go through as your mood changes, the fact you can see this is good. It's also not terrible to be stubborn and pessimistic when it comes to asking for help, I'm much the same, and I know people that have tackled it on their own. But the thing to be careful of if you're not going to admit to others that you might need some support, is loosing perspective - it's good to be able to analyze yourself, and your behavior - but if the depression starts to twist you up, you won't be looking at yourself objectively, and this could then spiral.. That's why it's good to talk to somebody, even if you are not asking for help, just someone to listen. Often when you say things out aloud, or even write them on the web, it can help give you a better perspective on things, even if they say nothing.

Well, that's just my feelings on it anyway.. I'm not an expert!

 

[The Bman]

I made a thread about what I've been through in The Infield.

Nothing more to be said anywhere except there.

 

[Aki Ko]

I made a thread about what I've been through in The Infield.

Nothing more to be said anywhere except there.

*But first, lemme take a selfie, then you buy Premium so you can see the post.

 

[W3H5]

Just to clarify a few things for anybody who isn't sure about why they are depressed:

Depression is a chemical imbalance involving certain receptors in the brain which aren't working properly.
Thinking that it's because of a hard life may be true, but it also boils down to hardwired brain malfunction.

Happiness is not normal. I hear lots of people, many not even depressives, saying they don't feel happy. The concept of being a happy person is a modern invention. 100 years ago is was the norm to feel very neutral on a happiness scale, most felt less than happy due to the conditions then.
Daily happiness is not entirely natural. Remember that when you feel low, there is nothing wrong with being sad.

Medication is not for everybody. I went through several different pills before settling on the ones that worked for me. Like @MatskiMonk said, no pills worked for him. It's trial and error which can take years.

Depression is not getting the short straw in life. People whine about being hard done by all the time which makes them feel sad. That is not necessary a depressive episode. I've had depressions come at times in my life when I've had things sweet, everything working out well and then bam! Chemicals fall out of balance.

Depression is different for everyone and often different for the same person at different times in their life. I've had world ending episodes that lasted over a year and I've had brief stints that last a few months but still leave me soulless and unfeeling, but not necessary sad.

It is possible to beat depression (periodically). When your mind is dark it's hard to see a way out. Find your way of dealing. As I and others will note, drinking feels like a way out but really isn't.
I've been riding the high of a recent adventure and maintained a healthy exercise routine to keep my head about water for over a year now. I'm also pretty sure that many years on Prozac have rewired my brain, but the truth is I will never know if this is the case until I once more get depressed.

Often depression is clinical, brought on by the winter, a run of ill luck, in conjunction with other illnesses or sometimes were born with a depressive disposition which can be hereditary (as far back as I know MD (bipolar these days) has ran in my family). There are lots of reasons for it and none of them are less cause for concern than any other.

Knowing your illness will really help to fight it. Don't feel helpless against depression, read up on it, find out how it's affecting you and do something about it.

Good luck.

 

[Johnny1996]

I don't have a lot of time, so I'll give my full spcheel at a later time, but these days there are very little things that can help with my daily struggles. There's a car show that I'll likely be going to tomorrow, but I don't even feel like going to it or am excited about it, which tells me that there is definitely something wrong.

__________

Usually hopping behind the wheel of something, even if its just Gran Turismo, helps me. Its like there's no past or future; I'm just living in the moment.

 

[Spirit]

I really like this thread. It serves as a reminder that no one here is always what they appear to be on the surface. Now when it comes to my 'story' and how it drags me down is nothing short of too hard for me to type right now, so I just want to let you all know that you're not alone. It's really cool how we can all back one-another on this forum and I am highly grateful to be an "accepted" member of this community. I hope you all have a good day today and brighter days tomorrow. 👍

 

[W3H5]

It's not an uncommon thing, depression. If I remember correctly around 1 in 3 people will or have suffered some kind of depression and there are many types.

 

[Johnny1996]

I've been broken and battered so many times and I just simply have no idea how I can get through it all time and time again.

 

[W3H5]

Human nature makes it possible to continue. We aren't wired to just give in and quit despite how it might feel at times.

I went through a psychosis and, in honestly, it did completely change me and my life, but from then on out after getting through that I found that the world was my oyster and made it my personal business to be harder and stronger than before. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

 

[Dan]

I've had depression for a while, but haven't told anyone except for two friends who won't say anything to anyone (Yes, I know I'm a complete idiot for not getting real help). February of this year was... horrible, to say the least; the months in between weren't as bad, but things have ramped up in severity recently. I am not being bullied or abused by anyone; my parents are great, caring people and only want what is best for me. I haven't told anyone because I honestly don't want help. I don't want to burden anyone, I don't want my parents to freak out. Things are tough right now with money and they are both pretty stressed out with work. I pretty much hate myself because I'm not very social and I also hate what I see in the mirror. I feel alone when I'm in a crowd of people. I sometimes have these sudden feelings of despair in my room (I'm not sure if it's a panic attack or not). I know I should get help, but like I said, I don't want to be a problem or to have my parents pay for treatment. I'm going to conclude with saying that sometimes, I feel like I need to cry, but I just can't anymore.

I'm going to stop here because I don't want to say anything drastic. I'd prefer not having the mods track my IP, alert the local police, and having cops knock on the door in the middle of the night like I read on a Cracked article about depression.

EDIT: Is it strange that I give advice to my friends that have depression, yet I never follow any of my own advice? Does that make me a hypocrite? I honestly couldn't give two craps about myself and my well-being, but I care so much more about other people and making sure they're ok.

 

[Johnny1996]

I've lost it in tears times before, I'm lost in tears right now. I'm about to lose it in tears even more than I already have.

 

[Turtle]

I have been depressed before, pretty seriously depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. I'm not ready to share my story, at this point in my life I don't want to focus on the past, I want to focus on where I want to go. I will say that what pulled me out of depression was unexpected; music really just helped me feel better all the time, so if you ever wonder why I have an obsession with The Beatles, that's why.

Additionally, If you've never been depressed, and don't understand it, play the game Depression Quest. It's free on Steam and you'll really get an idea on what it's like to be seriously depressed.

I'd like to point out that I've not felt suicidal in nearly a year and haven't felt seriously depressed in a very long time either, so you don't have to worry about that.

 

[Spirit]

EDIT: Is it strange that I give advice to my friends that have depression, yet I never follow any of my own advice? Does that make me a hypocrite? I honestly couldn't give two craps about myself and my well-being, but I care so much more about other people and making sure they're ok.

This is me as well. I put so much into making sure my (few) friends are happy that I forget about myself sometimes. Hypocritical? Most likely a yes, but I'm sure a lot of us do it.

 

[Johnny1996]

I'm like that too.

 

[ProjectWHaT]

EDIT: Is it strange that I give advice to my friends that have depression, yet I never follow any of my own advice? Does that make me a hypocrite? I honestly couldn't give two craps about myself and my well-being, but I care so much more about other people and making sure they're ok.

I think everyone's like that, even me.

 

[Aki Ko]

I've had depression for a while, but haven't told anyone except for two friends who won't say anything to anyone (Yes, I know I'm a complete idiot for not getting real help). February of this year was... horrible, to say the least; the months in between weren't as bad, but things have ramped up in severity recently. I am not being bullied or abused by anyone; my parents are great, caring people and only want what is best for me. I haven't told anyone because I honestly don't want help. I don't want to burden anyone, I don't want my parents to freak out. Things are tough right now with money and they are both pretty stressed out with work. I pretty much hate myself because I'm not very social and I also hate what I see in the mirror. I feel alone when I'm in a crowd of people. I sometimes have these sudden feelings of despair in my room (I'm not sure if it's a panic attack or not). I know I should get help, but like I said, I don't want to be a problem or to have my parents pay for treatment. I'm going to conclude with saying that sometimes, I feel like I need to cry, but I just can't anymore.

I'm going to stop here because I don't want to say anything drastic. I'd prefer not having the mods track my IP, alert the local police, and having cops knock on the door in the middle of the night like I read on a Cracked article about depression.

EDIT: Is it strange that I give advice to my friends that have depression, yet I never follow any of my own advice? Does that make me a hypocrite? I honestly couldn't give two craps about myself and my well-being, but I care so much more about other people and making sure they're ok.

My February of this year was one the worst months I've had when it came to depression. But, I've never told anyone about it until months later. That's the thing with me when it came to depression.

I haven't told anyone because I honestly don't want help. I don't want to burden anyone, I don't want my parents to freak out.

But

I give advice to my friends that have depression, yet I never follow any of my own advice? Does that make me a hypocrite? I honestly couldn't give two craps about myself and my well-being, but I care so much more about other people and making sure they're ok.

I can definitely give you two names of who I've helped with their depression, but I always resist other's advice and just let myself wallow. It sounds hypocritical, but it's more of being stubborn.

I'm going to stop here because I don't want to say anything drastic. I'd prefer not having the mods track my IP, alert the local police, and having cops knock on the door in the middle of the night like I read on a Cracked article about depression.

Care to carry this on in a PM?

 

[W3H5]

Not me, I'm giving advice that I've used to get me out of a hole. If I was back in that hole I'd still be following my own advice as best I could.

I find it remarkable that everyone mentions their upbringing and family situation when in reality these have very little to do with depression at a base level, unless, of course, it runs in the family and then there are chances it will be inherited.

If I can help anyone I will, I've been there and done that and come out the other end on top. I'm certainty not in the clear for as long as I'm breathing but I will say one thing; mastering one's mind takes practice, some people never manage it and those that do only manage to a certain degree. Once you have an amount of control over your thought process the sky is the limit, as evident from what I've managed to do only since first suffering a depression in '08. I'd like to be an example of what can be achieved even with this crippling disorder hanging overhead (if you know what I've managed in life then you'll agree). Depression isn't the end. For me it was the beginning.

These days I keep doing what I need to do to keep it at bay. Anxiety sometimes rears its head but mostly because of my alcohol consumption.

The more depressive episodes I've had the more I've been able to manage it and the stronger my control over my mind has grown. I hope it works out the same for some of you guys who are young and perhaps don't know your own mind so well.

Keep on trucking, fellas.

 

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

Caring for someone/something can get you back on track. Adopting pets can alleviate depression. Its used to help people in depressing environments such as prisons, hospitals etc. Adopting them will not only relieve the animal's own depression in the shelter but also save their lives.

 

[Johnny1996]

Caring for someone/something can get you back on track. Adopting pets can alleviate depression. Its used to help people in depressing environments such as prisons, hospitals etc. Adopting them will not only relieve the animal's own depression in the shelter but also save their lives.

This is exactly why I'm feeling down right now.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Good to see people using this thread to let out there feelings.