Depression and Anxiety Thread

[Johnny1996]

There's nothing like being in the presence of about 15-20 people, two of whom are doing something that you clearly don't like no matter how clear you are about it and desperately ask them to stop, and having only one person care, but look away when you look at him with desperation filling your eyes, almost tears with it.

 

[W3H5]

That's not depression. That's just not having the balls to do anything about said situation.

Sounds like you're involved in some sort of bullying, the victim most likely. Bullying doesn't go away on its own, you have to do something about it.

 

[Johnny1996]

Depression or not, it still hurt me like hell. And I was doing something, but those who were participating in the bullying were having none of it. Then to add to it, there's someone who is responsible for what started all my programs years ago bringing back my terrible past when he knows that I don't want anything to be said about it.

Sometimes it just feels like it would make no difference whatsoever if I was gone, which more times than not do I wish I was.

 

[andrew84555]

I don't know if i'm actually depressed but since i have experienced feeling down like some of the post here i thought i can relate.

Nowadays i easily feel down at most things, especially at seeing myself as not useful for not having a job. I'm still studying at uni and maybe its normal to not have a job yet since i'm still a student though at the same time it is normal to have a part time job. Most of my friends had jobs and it makes me feel that i have no responsibility at all since i only help my parents business and it doesn't count as having a job. I want to look for a job but i still can't find my passion and i fear of disrupting my education part. Maybe its peer pressure or something i don't know. At the same time, i constantly trying to pick myself up, researching n how to improve myself as a person (i think i have anger issues, i easily ticked off and swore a lot). Still though, not having a job like anyone else bumps me off a lot even though it's okay to not have a job and focus on my education right now.

I feel really, really useless for not being able to figure out what i can really do at the age of 21. Most of all i'm frustrated at having difficulties of controlling my anger. It made me feel really childish.

As a student I can relate, but you shouldn't worry too much. You will most likely be working for the rest of your life, so you shouldn't beat yourself up for not having a job for a few years while you are studying. As for not knowing what you can or want to do, that is pretty normal. There are loads of students who don't have a clear master plan, including me to some extent. Don't kick yourself for not having a 'passion', just keep trying things till you find something you like.

P.S I wish I didn't need to work and study. There is no point compromising your education just to be like your mates, it will all work out in the end.

 

[Slash]

Bullying doesn't go away on its own, you have to do something about it.

I don't condone fighting, but I turned very violent and it stopped after that.

Granted, bullying changed me as a person but I've covered that in a few threads before.

 

[W3H5]

I didn't want to say it but I was going to say the same thing. My first week of school a few bigger kids tried to cause me trouble and I decided to square up and see what happened. Things got resolved with a few kicks and punches thrown. I came off worse but I'd done enough to keep them from trying to cause me any more troubles.

In the long run sometimes giving or taking a few digs is the only way to stop bullying. You have to realise that a slap in the face isn't going to kill you.

 

[Slash]

Besides my ridiculous behavior (which I turned into a bully after with my new found "power"), I got pretty rough with a few people. It went on to be more than a few punches but it ended everything. In fact, I still have quite a reputation at my local school as someone people are afraid of and these are people I don't even know or have heard of.

Not sure that was something I wanted to leave behind, but it got me through school.

I only chose this method as an ABSOLUTE last resort when all else failed. I always walk away from a fight first.

 

[Spirit]

I was picked on in elementary school and my first year in junior high, which I have already covered I believe. Anyway, it all stopped once we moved away and never had it since. I'm not saying you should go to a different school, I'm just saying there's more than one way to go about it.

 

[motoracer50]

I was picked on in elementary school and my first year if junior high, which I have already covered I believe. Anyway, it all stopped once we moved away and never had it since. I'm not saying you should go to a different school, I'm just saying there's more than one way to go about it.

When we first moved here people made fun of my half missing eyebrow...

 

[FoRiZon]

EDIT: Im confused on what will i share here. Sometimes my bubbles just burst out just immediately. Possibly embarrassing so i just put it down.

 

[Aki Ko]

Didn't know this thread actually existed, but it's probably because I've joined some time in 2013 and haven't explored a lot of GTPlanet. But, I guess I'll add some content to this thread.

"Wait, why is this guy Aki Ishikawa posting in here? Every time I see him, he seems like he's fine with a good life, being nice to some and being active in some parts of GTP."
Well, guess what Sherlock? I also have a background that I don't share too often. EVERYBODY has some sort of background, good and bad.

Here's the side you hear about when it comes to me: I'm an active GTPer who is 16 and is generally friendly to people at first. He also happened to be gay and isn't afraid to tell others that he is when it's appropriate. He's very caring and will send a word of worry to anyone who seems down; basically helping people out. Some of these people include @Slash, @Johnny1996, and some others. He even drives a Lexus GS 300, a car most of us never thought about driving. You might as well call him spoiled. Radda radda radda, add your comment.

But what you don't know... is that I've also been in a dark state, the kind you'd never see me in and the kind I'd tried not to let you see. Let me explain.

For one, my dad isn't the best of fathers. At the age of 8, I was informed from my dad that I was going to have a little sister... by a different mother. I don't know about you, but that annoys me that he did something that he had no business of doing and having to be stuck with another person to look after occasionally. I will actually tell you that I don't really like her, but I'm not going to say that she deserves to be discarded. I'd just rather not deal with taking care of children, especially considering how I declared I'm not having any kids of my own unless they're adopted. Speaking of care, this past week up until Wednesday/yesterday, my dad has barely cared for her while she was here for the passing week. He did get her money for school clothes shopping this past Saturday up to $300 for her (and $300 for me, which I barely spent half of that that day), but my mother had to take her to go shopping because my dad had to work (and he isn't the one to ask about clothing either). BUT, even I know he was slightly annoyed by her considering how often she eats (and she's 8 years old and I don't eat as much as she do). Even when we took her back to her grandma's house that Wednesday (because I would've been gone for some of the day and there would've been nobody to look after her), he hasn't mentioned a word about her being gone yet. Two full days without mentioning her.

Then, he was deployed overseas to Afghanistan for majority of my middle school years, so I went about 2-3 years without a fatherly figure at a time where I wasn't particularly social with other kids up until late 8th grade to 9th grade (I'm barely social in high school now). I've adapted to be a mother's child, so I want to avoid being around him because of him not being particularly sensitive toward his own son.
And then there was the time where I watched him push on my mother/his wife and being arrested in front of me (charged with domestic violence) which was where I lost respect for him there and then.
And between that time to now, he has a bad drinking habit to where I'm not sure if he'll make it to 50 years old or more. Earlier this months..... no actually when I was registering for school on a wrong day (August 6), my mom came home at 10:30 AM after leaving work for a few minutes and find my dad hasn't came home. He came home at about 11 AM and I overheard my mum fussing at him for coming home late. Even now, he's coming home very late.... late as in my mum and sister leaves for work and he still hasn't returned (6AM-8:30AM) and my mum is pissed about it as it is.

Then you have my personal life. I've been sheltered for most of my life, which is why you see me active online somewhere. I don't really explore or go anywhere by myself since most of the time I'm called for most of the time to do something for someone else. Hell, even today I was called to do something for someone. That's why I can be pretty social able to a stranger (because I've spent so much time sheltered I'm not worried about the consequences to some people. How else are you going to meet others?). My family doesn't really acknowledge my sensitivity most of the time which is why I'd rather stay in my room nearly all of the time. Then you have the difficulty of being gay and not being out to other people, which leads to this.
And then you have my mentality- it's not always stable.

You honestly have no idea how many times I thought that I want to harm someone... but then my mind clicks and suddenly I'm sympathetic and then I click over to depression. I've been depressed over unrequited love (just earlier this year), over my existence and why I should exist, over.... life in general and whether I should've committed suicide. If it wasn't for caring so damn much about others, I would've done so by now or earlier because honestly I don't see a reason to. When I get depressed, I become a whole different person to what you usually see; I become anti-social, lack sympathy and care for other people, basically all of the symptoms of depression.

My depression isn't often, but it happens. I've tried not to be as depressed as I usually be because nobody likes it when I become a completely different person, but if it happens, I'll try to hide it unless it comes out to someone (which then would spread like wildfire).
Will I get help? No, because I'm stubborn and a pessimist. I'd resist like hell if you tried to get me help. At least I know that I have my internal problems.

But you have at least a rough sketch based on part of my life.

It's been a full year since I made this post...


And I'm back into the same depression loop by the looks of it. This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function. That's why I was so depressed over these past few years. I'm contemplating suicidal thoughts again with fear that I may go through with it. I know, I shouldn't do it. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem that only brings more irreversible problems to others. There are a few people that I genuinely care about, and I don't want to put any pain on their part. However... I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Maybe my deathwish at 20 is probably imminent...

 

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

Be a honey badger. Namaste.

 

[FoRiZon]

It's been a full year since I made this post...


And I'm back into the same depression loop by the looks of it. This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function. That's why I was so depressed over these past few years. I'm contemplating suicidal thoughts again with fear that I may go through with it. I know, I shouldn't do it. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem that only brings more irreversible problems to others. There are a few people that I genuinely care about, and I don't want to put any pain on their part. However... I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Maybe my deathwish at 20 is probably imminent...

*Hugs* we want to believe these will end shortly, only to other people to never live it down, exaggerate it, and put the blame entirely on yourself.

Okay, i think this is enough. Just be with the people you actually care about. Stay away from the abrasive people and make a live out of it.

I do have a huge problem and comfused on bursting it out. Best thing i do is let it burst by writing. Like above but was taken down because, like i said, im confused. Many people probably didnt care. Atleast it was in public and only very few actually knows me. In private it was even more painful.

EDIT: Woth noting that when i said depressed, its the whole thing cummulatively. So not just because of stupid reasons like no GT6 updates or anything. That would be bull.

 

[TeamCZRRacing]

What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function.

There's your purpose, right there. Finding someone.

 

[W3H5]

It's been a full year since I made this post...


And I'm back into the same depression loop by the looks of it. This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function. That's why I was so depressed over these past few years. I'm contemplating suicidal thoughts again with fear that I may go through with it. I know, I shouldn't do it. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem that only brings more irreversible problems to others. There are a few people that I genuinely care about, and I don't want to put any pain on their part. However... I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Maybe my deathwish at 20 is probably imminent...

Dude....Uh....where to start.

You've got the odds stacked against you from the outset. Being a 'different' person, if I may use the term, is probably a large part of your problem. That's not to say that you should conform and be regular, but understand that homosexuality isn't the norm and will always attract negative attention as long as there are straight-laced people in the world that want nothing more than biblical (or qu'ranic) perfection in there oh so unperfect lives.

Having somebody to care about might seem menial to regular folk but as a depressive myself I can contest to the quality of life it offers. Having somebody to keep one occupied is more of a plus, be it a life partner or causal acquaintance.
My wife breathed new life into me when I was on a downer and she didn't even know she was doing it, it was just that I was needed as an integral part of her life that helped me through several tough patches.

You don't have to care about people. It doesn't make you a psychopathy or even an insensitive person if you don't feel anything towards the majority of people. I'm a stoic person myself but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of love of affection, I'm just really choosy about who it's directed at.

Suicidal thoughts are common. The act of suicide itself is much rarer and I can say from experience that living through a suicide attempt can make you feel so much shame but also open your eyes to what is really going on. I've done self harm in all shapes and forms except for direct harm, e.g. cutting and stuff. I used to get drunk and pick fights that I knew I couldn't win for the satisfaction of the pain and being 'put down'. That was my release.

Suicide is a selfish act. You're not harming yourself (if successful), you're causing massive distress to all those around you and that care about you. Don't be that guy that has people remember him as "that asshole that couldn't cut it and took the easy way out". It just isn't viable solution for depression. what you can do is find a way to combat the depression, be it through exercise (which is what I use), finding a hobby, eating healthily or straight up medication (which also works for me).

I ain't here to bitch about what you can and can't do. That's your call. You're a young fellow and when I was your age I was also on a path to self destruction, and believe me when I say I was doing better than most (you included). But I did find a purpose in my life, I did find someone to devote myself to and I did get over the slump. That's not to say I don't still get depressed but I've learnt how to deal with it and that alone makes me twice as strong as most people I encounter with 'troubled lives' because some random person gave them a 'look' or some prick at school made a joke me.

Bottom line is - you aren't alone. Millions of people all over the world suffer from depression, some of us are terminal, but there are ways to live with it. I've been through what you are experiencing now and I won't say it is easy, but I'm still here to tell the tale and pass on advice, so if you need it, ask me, I don't mind.

As is my way, I have to make light of the situation as say that if you want to be Rock & Roll about the whole situation you at least have to wait until 27 years old to off yourself or die from a drug overdose. That'll give you a few year to work out your situation.

 

[High-Test]

And I'm back into the same depression loop by the looks of it. This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function. That's why I was so depressed over these past few years. I'm contemplating suicidal thoughts again with fear that I may go through with it. I know, I shouldn't do it. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem that only brings more irreversible problems to others. There are a few people that I genuinely care about, and I don't want to put any pain on their part. However... I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Maybe my deathwish at 20 is probably imminent...

Please tell me you have someone who can get you to help if you need it. There is no shame whatsoever in getting help.

 

[MatskiMonk]

This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function.

Life on it's own does nothing, it's just an empty basket. When we find things we like, we put them in our basket, and then it has purpose. Better to focus on things to put into it, rather than how empty it may be.

 

[Ken]

It's been a full year since I made this post...


And I'm back into the same depression loop by the looks of it. This time, I'm completely lost on what my purpose is to continue living. What I realized is that I need someone to care about and to love just to function. That's why I was so depressed over these past few years. I'm contemplating suicidal thoughts again with fear that I may go through with it. I know, I shouldn't do it. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem that only brings more irreversible problems to others. There are a few people that I genuinely care about, and I don't want to put any pain on their part. However... I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Maybe my deathwish at 20 is probably imminent...

I wish I could be there for you more. I truly do. I know you better than most, and I know you're a great person. I wish and pray that some day soon, you know that too.

 

[Oshawa-Joe]

I've tried to read some of your posts and don't see any mention of you talking to a doctor. Speaking from experience, they can offer amazing help.

 

[Kitten]

Well a depression thread exists!

On the other note, i have been battling Depression since 8th grade, since i got bullied quite a lot, and after my mom homeschooled me, it got worst, and worst, and college came, that's a whole other thing. The winter was quite hard on me i was quite depressed, but as soon as i finished up the spring semester 2015 i hit rock bottom. My ExGf ignored me for weeks. I was in the complete, dark ended up she cheated one me, which made it 100% worst, my birthday came, and i was just rock bottom, i was just ready to suicide, just i couldnt deal with this. But i didn't. And thats not the first time ive had suicidal thoughts. I quite nutshell'd this. Im still dealing with depression but it isn't as severe as the spring, or before.

I dont think social anxiety, and overthinker, and sensitive, and emotional goes well with the mix :s....

I am doing much better now. Hopefully i can keep myself together with this new semester..

 

[INEEDNAWZZZ]

I'm glad this thread got bumped.

I fear that I have quite serious depression, but I don't want to go and see anyone to confirm it - and I really don't know why. All the signs are there; mood swings, lack of interest in pretty much anything, generally apathetic towards people and other stuff (work, socialising, etc.), just being down all the time and not really having any self confidence or worth.

I just feel like I'm stuck in a pointless cycle of going to work and then doing nothing, and then on the weekends doing nothing there as well. I wake up as late as possible and go to bed early, just because I'm sick of life*. Nothing really captivates me anymore; cars are okay if you have the money, knowledge and time to invest into one, but I don't. Video games just seem like I'm wasting time when I could be out doing something much more resourceful, yet nothing really catches my interest anyway.

At first, I was similar to @Aki Ishikawa in that I felt I needed someone close by. I made myself much more sociable but if anything, its made it more draining as people come to me now with their problems and I'm constantly running around after them and getting nothing in return (both literally and psychologically - I don't feel good about myself for it, I just feel as though I do it out of fear of what they think of me if I reject their requests). I became quite good friends with a girl and it seemed to be going in the way of a relationship, and as soppy as it sounds, it was the happiest I've been in weeks. Although over the past few months, she's been noticeably distant and blunt, and I don't know really how to deal with both talking to her and the situation as a whole.

On top of that, it just seems that literally nothing goes my way at all. The girl, losing a family pet, going through three cars, stressful work duties and travelling, family issues, fall outs/arguing with people, even a recent bad holiday all just shatter any ounces of patience I have with life, and I feel as though I'm going to snap. I have money, a decent job, enough friends to keep close by, a fairly good social life, all the material possessions I could need, so by rights I should be happy. But I'm not.

I guess the reason I haven't seen a specialist is because I don't want to be put on medication. It seems hit and miss generally and I don't want to risk wasting time trialling everything to see what works. I also think that my lifestyle can be easily resolved by patching up one or two areas. I just wish I knew what those areas were.

* By this, I mean life in the general sense. I don't ever plan on killing myself or self-harming, as I know it is something that can be resolved and it's not something I've ever thought would be impossible to get out of.

 

[Oshawa-Joe]

If you think you are suffering from depression, see a doctor. I went 2 years without getting help and regret not seeing one sooner. Within a couple of weeks everything stopped feeling so gloom and doom.

If you need more motivation to see a doctor, there's also a sexual bonus/side effect to taking some meds, but I'll let you google it.

 

[Kitten]

If you think you are suffering from depression, see a doctor. I went 2 years without getting help and regret not seeing one sooner. Within a couple of weeks everything stopped feeling so gloom and doom.

If you need more motivation to see a doctor, there's also a sexual bonus/side effect to taking some meds, but I'll let you google it.

I'm glad this thread got bumped.

I fear that I have quite serious depression, but I don't want to go and see anyone to confirm it - and I really don't know why. All the signs are there; mood swings, lack of interest in pretty much anything, generally apathetic towards people and other stuff (work, socialising, etc.), just being down all the time and not really having any self confidence or worth.

I just feel like I'm stuck in a pointless cycle of going to work and then doing nothing, and then on the weekends doing nothing there as well. I wake up as late as possible and go to bed early, just because I'm sick of life*. Nothing really captivates me anymore; cars are okay if you have the money, knowledge and time to invest into one, but I don't. Video games just seem like I'm wasting time when I could be out doing something much more resourceful, yet nothing really catches my interest anyway.

At first, I was similar to @Aki Ishikawa in that I felt I needed someone close by. I made myself much more sociable but if anything, its made it more draining as people come to me now with their problems and I'm constantly running around after them and getting nothing in return (both literally and psychologically - I don't feel good about myself for it, I just feel as though I do it out of fear of what they think of me if I reject their requests). I became quite good friends with a girl and it seemed to be going in the way of a relationship, and as soppy as it sounds, it was the happiest I've been in weeks. Although over the past few months, she's been noticeably distant and blunt, and I don't know really how to deal with both talking to her and the situation as a whole.

I guess the reason I haven't seen a specialist is because I don't want to be put on medication. It seems hit and miss generally and I don't want to risk wasting time trialling everything to see what works. I also think that my lifestyle can be easily resolved by patching up one or two areas. I just wish I knew what those areas were.

This is how i basically feel. I haven't seen a specialist because, first im too scared ties up with my social anxiety, plus i don't want to be on medication. I also deal with Social Anxiety, its far less worst then it has been, since where i work i need to talk, i need to have active conversations. But i get teased a lot at work, and it quite makes me uncomfortable, but i deal with it.

 

[FoRiZon]

Im now mourning, what future will be held for me. I felt that my life is unpredictable. But felt like going downhill as times goes.

I miss high school where while more strict, atleast i got more optimistic somewhat. Now im scared, scared to have terrible life, losing parents trust, losing friends, etc. I tried to behave. But its just covering the truth behind it.

 

[FoRiZon]

Just asking and sorry for double post. Did anyone has thought of suicide right now?

 

[Kitten]

Just asking and sorry for double post. Did anyone has thought of suicide right now?

Not currently, i mean couple weeks ago yes.

 

[FoRiZon]

Not currently, i mean couple weeks ago yes.

Im worthless in person anyway. Persons i know close who become big now hes a total smug, an arse.

I tried to occupy myself with elementary friends to an island. Sort of worked but not enough. Not having much good friends as when im on high school and elementary. Not much in Middle high.

 

[Kitten]

Im worthless in person anyway. Persons i know close who become big now hes a total smug, an arse.

I tried to occupy myself with elementary friends to an island. Sort of worked but not enough. Not having much good friends as when im on high school and elementary. Not much in Middle high.

FrzGT, you need a hug?

On the serious note, your not a worthless person at all! I mean i've lost so much friends, i'm not even friends with anyone from middle school, elementary school, didnt go to high school so i wont count that. Exception of a couple of people who i barely talk now, I made new friends at College, and im quite good friends with a couple people on GTPlanet. But on point, stay strong man. Keep your head high!

 

[FoRiZon]

Whats the point? They didnt acknowledge me at all. I dont need their appreciation. I feel that it crept out here too in GTP as time goes on and community dwindling down. Not wanting to name names but once i figure it out, i unfollow or ignore.

I also got breaked up twice. Not good. Probably rest from both of it, really. I got almost full schedule last week but didnt help at all.

 

[High-Test]

Im worthless in person anyway. Persons i know close who become big now hes a total smug, an arse.

I tried to occupy myself with elementary friends to an island. Sort of worked but not enough. Not having much good friends as when im on high school and elementary. Not much in Middle high.

No. You are not. I don't even know you, but I will not entertain that thought. I've sat there with a glass of poison on the table, wondering if I was going to chug it to get out of my seemingly worthless existence. Thankfully, a telephone call came along and reminded me of the folly in that thought.

People care, FrzGT. There may not be friendly faces that you can picture around here, but there are friendly people who have faces. Plus, they care. Depression is nasty. Anxiety can turn the most fearsome lioness into a whimpering kit. But - you are not alone. More importantly, with a place like this, you never truly are.