Depression and Anxiety Thread

[W3H5]

Not for NHS services, I'm talking about private psychotherapy.

The prices can be pretty reasonable (note I'm not talking about psychiatrists - they are borderline extortionate now).

I got top class clinics up the wazoo in my neck of the wood. Top notch healthcare at reasonable prices.

But (here comes the excuses), I barely get time away from the kids to do my chores and run errands. Scheduling an appointment with the right specialist at the right price seems like a logistical hell.

I might have to get back on the Prozac if my compulsions keep plaguing me. It’s a last resort, but I’m pretty much all out of resorts.

 

[JohnBM01]

You know, when you say "just go to the gym" or "just exercise," that's assuming you can muster the courage and desire to do so. If you feel down and depressed, there aren't too many things you happily want to do. Exercise does help nonetheless.

 

[MedigoFlame]

You know, when you say "just go to the gym" or "just exercise," that's assuming you can muster the courage and desire to do so. If you feel down and depressed, there aren't too many things you happily want to do. Exercise does help nonetheless.

I've felt guilty for taking depression naps lately. I feel plenty of times of wanting to go out an do things, especially getting some fresh air. But it feels like there's been so much negativity and crap to deal with in public that I've been hiding away for a month now. I'd like to go out and get some exercise and fresh air, but the prevalence of phone cameras and social media makes me more paranoid to go to a gym than it should be. (Being overly self conscious and one of my biggest fears is becoming "internet" famous for some stupid reason) Still hate the word "just" when people say "just do this" or "just do that" when it comes to the struggle.

Feels like a rather lengthy update I'll be...posting. Apologies for dumping this much.

Figured I'd so a sort of update as of late. My brother and I ended up getting a house together, but it was an hour north and a little over 50 miles commute one way to my now previous job. In some ways, I'm glad I quit my job as it was stressing me out and the pay/work felt low for the amount of effort I'd put in. It wasn't worth 100+ miles a day to commute for a job where my pay would only cover a fraction of the cost to commute, so I put in my notice. Wishing I was fired to get unemployment, but couldn't think of a way to do it without burning bridges. (Would have just stopped showing up, but most companies see that as quitting) Co-workers in my department were sad to see me go, but management didn't even offer me better pay or say goodbye. It was very much out of touch with the general manager who (on my last day) asked me how a wine and cheese place was in my hometown (that I was being priced out of with the rise in rent), while also refusing to join in and use the company card to pay for a sort of celebratory last lunch for me and the end of the year. That's just how cheap of the upper management is, especially saying they like my work, but couldn't even give me a raise when I asked for one. I honestly hated it there and in general, the automotive dealership industry in the United States is miserable.

It's been a little over a month now and I have not gotten a job since moving/quitting. Unfortunately for us Americans, our healthcare is basically dependent on having a full time job, at least to afford it. It's been rather peaceful caring only about settling into our new home and unpacking/organizing things, but of course I feel like a financial burden to my brother despite the fact that he's got a good paying job and I've got a decent amount of money saved up to last a while. Also the feeling of not being productive hasn't really helped my mental state with myself feeling useless. Despite only being a "young adult" (about to hit 30 years old in a couple days), I already feel burnt out on the whole 9-5PM grind that is most jobs, at least with my education/skill level. As an amateur photographer, I enjoy the more creative side and want to do something where it doesn't feel like it's the same thing every time. Unfortunately there's hardly anything lucrative in that, other than the things I refuse to do, such as weddings or people photos.

As I said with being tired of the work grind in society, especially with something as "simple" as commuting everyday. It drained my joy of driving with the aggression felt every morning/evening commuting to/from work. Also stated in one of my previous posts was about how much everyone is out for themselves and it gets tiring dealing with people tailgating, running red lights, and doing generally stupid things in cars to get where ever they're going quickly. The selfishness and "it's all about me me me!" mentality today makes me want nothing to do with the public.

Still have not found a new therapist, but without healthcare, it makes it a bit more difficult to do so now. Itching to be productive (at least with income and photography), especially as I haven't done my usual weekly photoshoots with the large change in life of moving farther away. Still can't help but feel that I have it well off with having an actual house instead of an apartment, or worse, being homeless (as I hear the growing numbers of people losing their living spaces with the rise in costs), but despite that positive, I still feel a bit hopeless. I know there's no easy solution to this struggle either that wouldn't take time and plenty of effort that I struggle to muster the strength to do anything. Funny how my last big post complained about not wanting to work anymore and here I am, a month later complaining about not working... Don't want to go back to a "normal" job at least, but still wanting to be productive and at least have some sort of income would help. Still have so much going on in my head, worrying about this or that, but I can't put my foot down and set a decent goal for myself without some stupid fear of failure.


For those who find it too much to read: Quit my job, got a house with my brother, been without work for a month, hiding away from the public and hardly leaving the house, still feeling depressed.

 

[W3H5]

I've felt guilty for taking depression naps lately. I feel plenty of times of wanting to go out an do things, especially getting some fresh air. But it feels like there's been so much negativity and crap to deal with in public that I've been hiding away for a month now. I'd like to go out and get some exercise and fresh air, but the prevalence of phone cameras and social media makes me more paranoid to go to a gym than it should be. (Being overly self conscious and one of my biggest fears is becoming "internet" famous for some stupid reason) Still hate the word "just" when people say "just do this" or "just do that" when it comes to the struggle.

Feels like a rather lengthy update I'll be...posting. Apologies for dumping this much.

Figured I'd so a sort of update as of late. My brother and I ended up getting a house together, but it was an hour north and a little over 50 miles commute one way to my now previous job. In some ways, I'm glad I quit my job as it was stressing me out and the pay/work felt low for the amount of effort I'd put in. It wasn't worth 100+ miles a day to commute for a job where my pay would only cover a fraction of the cost to commute, so I put in my notice. Wishing I was fired to get unemployment, but couldn't think of a way to do it without burning bridges. (Would have just stopped showing up, but most companies see that as quitting) Co-workers in my department were sad to see me go, but management didn't even offer me better pay or say goodbye. It was very much out of touch with the general manager who (on my last day) asked me how a wine and cheese place was in my hometown (that I was being priced out of with the rise in rent), while also refusing to join in and use the company card to pay for a sort of celebratory last lunch for me and the end of the year. That's just how cheap of the upper management is, especially saying they like my work, but couldn't even give me a raise when I asked for one. I honestly hated it there and in general, the automotive dealership industry in the United States is miserable.

It's been a little over a month now and I have not gotten a job since moving/quitting. Unfortunately for us Americans, our healthcare is basically dependent on having a full time job, at least to afford it. It's been rather peaceful caring only about settling into our new home and unpacking/organizing things, but of course I feel like a financial burden to my brother despite the fact that he's got a good paying job and I've got a decent amount of money saved up to last a while. Also the feeling of not being productive hasn't really helped my mental state with myself feeling useless. Despite only being a "young adult" (about to hit 30 years old in a couple days), I already feel burnt out on the whole 9-5PM grind that is most jobs, at least with my education/skill level. As an amateur photographer, I enjoy the more creative side and want to do something where it doesn't feel like it's the same thing every time. Unfortunately there's hardly anything lucrative in that, other than the things I refuse to do, such as weddings or people photos.

As I said with being tired of the work grind in society, especially with something as "simple" as commuting everyday. It drained my joy of driving with the aggression felt every morning/evening commuting to/from work. Also stated in one of my previous posts was about how much everyone is out for themselves and it gets tiring dealing with people tailgating, running red lights, and doing generally stupid things in cars to get where ever they're going quickly. The selfishness and "it's all about me me me!" mentality today makes me want nothing to do with the public.

Still have not found a new therapist, but without healthcare, it makes it a bit more difficult to do so now. Itching to be productive (at least with income and photography), especially as I haven't done my usual weekly photoshoots with the large change in life of moving farther away. Still can't help but feel that I have it well off with having an actual house instead of an apartment, or worse, being homeless (as I hear the growing numbers of people losing their living spaces with the rise in costs), but despite that positive, I still feel a bit hopeless. I know there's no easy solution to this struggle either that wouldn't take time and plenty of effort that I struggle to muster the strength to do anything. Funny how my last big post complained about not wanting to work anymore and here I am, a month later complaining about not working... Don't want to go back to a "normal" job at least, but still wanting to be productive and at least have some sort of income would help. Still have so much going on in my head, worrying about this or that, but I can't put my foot down and set a decent goal for myself without some stupid fear of failure.


For those who find it too much to read: Quit my job, got a house with my brother, been without work for a month, hiding away from the public and hardly leaving the house, still feeling depressed.

That commute is enough to put most off. I find my commute actually helps structure my day, but I’m only driving 20km on the highway.

As for working, it’s always a heft if your hearts not in it. Developing passion into a career isn’t something that the majority of us can achieve, so we have to insert our hobbies into the job wherever possible. I’ve been fortunate in this regard, but not until my mid 30s was this possible to achieve, and only them as an extra-curricula activity.

Going forward the best practice would be to find employment where you’re appreciated for you talents and capabilities.

As for “depression” naps… sometimes the best thing to do is not be present in reality and hit the sack. I can’t count the times I’ve felt mentally obliterated and made the decision to hibernate for the evening.

 

[MedigoFlame]

That commute is enough to put most off. I find my commute actually helps structure my day, but I’m only driving 20km on the highway.

As for working, it’s always a heft if your hearts not in it. Developing passion into a career isn’t something that the majority of us can achieve, so we have to insert our hobbies into the job wherever possible. I’ve been fortunate in this regard, but not until my mid 30s was this possible to achieve, and only them as an extra-curricula activity.

Going forward the best practice would be to find employment where you’re appreciated for you talents and capabilities.

As for “depression” naps… sometimes the best thing to do is not be present in reality and hit the sack. I can’t count the times I’ve felt mentally obliterated and made the decision to hibernate for the evening.

It really wasn't worth doing 100+ miles a day for a job that basically paid the same as if not less than the "lowly" fast food/big box store chain pay. (Don't like considering folks in that position like so, but that's annoyingly how society views them...) Doesn't help my daily driver isn't the most efficient vehicle where I'd have to fill up the tank about twice a week. I almost wonder if a longer commute would have been nice for listening to podcast or relaxing music after a long day, but with how aggressive everyone is these days on the road, it isn't to be. I can't quite zone out (mentally) when driving and disconnect myself from things around me. Cars are a great pod to spend time away from others in, but it's hard to when you are over observant of your surroundings.

I've been told to not turn my hobby into a career as it could dilute the joy felt with the hobby and make it all the more stressful. Heard about that with cars and photography, the two things I enjoy spending my time with. I just want to wake up before work, looking forward to doing it, and feeling rewarded in some way. (Other than financially) Other thing I always thought of as a sort of dream(ish) job despite being exactly the industry I don't like, is making my own retail store from my hobby of collecting model cars. But it's such a niche thing, especially where I live that it wouldn't be possible to open up a shop locally without having to make it into an internet business.

Being appreciated for my work is sadly kind of easy with the effort I put in, at least from co-workers and sometimes management. But it always comes down to the bottom line for most companies that don't care if you're putting in a good, if not better effort than expected out of the position. I like to put in a lot of effort and improve things for not only colleagues, but even the company if it matters. But it just doesn't to most upper management where they just see people as a replaceable cost to them. My last job, I put in more effort than needed and was only offered a promotion to a position I did not want, only to be told that I wouldn't get a raise because I didn't take it. It just sucks being someone who wants to work hard and improve things, only to be burdened by others who couldn't care less about their job or work. As we've talked about before, communication is a big thing and a lot of humans can't be bothered to do it.

Depression naps have kind of felt a way to pass time where I feel useless. It also doesn't help that there's less light in the day during the winter season here and it can get awfully cold. Funny enough, I like to say I enjoy the cold and darkness, but I feel that seasonal depression like everyone else and don't want do much. I definitely understand the part of feeling mentally out of it and wanting to hibernate as that's what I do quite often. Did it a lot when I would come home from work, hating everything and everyone, not wanting to do much. But it also felt like I was "wasting" my time not being productive at home despite being burnt out.

 

[A_Higher_Place]

You know, when you say "just go to the gym" or "just exercise," that's assuming you can muster the courage and desire to do so. If you feel down and depressed, there aren't too many things you happily want to do. Exercise does help nonetheless.

This is the most empathic response in here. Try finding your smallest threshold for change. Start by simply making your bed in the morning or something. At least you've done that for yourself. If you can't do that, stand and look at your bed and put the effort in to think about how you may actually go about making it. Proceed from there.

 

[HenrySwanson]

I might have to get back on the Prozac if my compulsions keep plaguing me. It’s a last resort, but I’m pretty much all out of resorts.

Could be worth a shot.

It does work for some people with cutting down on alcohol and/or cigarettes.

 

[W3H5]

Could be worth a shot.

It does work for some people with cutting down on alcohol and/or cigarettes.

I’ve made a switch (temporarily) to regular filtered cigarettes in a box so I can track how much I’m smoking. It’s already considerably less because I don’t really like them much.

I’ll see how it goes for cutting down and then if necessary I’ll go back on the meds if I can’t cut down.

 

[RCKakashi14]

Hello.

I don't really share much about my personal life. I only share whatever my interests are - be it gaming, cars, or stuff in general.

But seeing this thread, I can't help but share my struggles:

- It's really difficult for me to share opinions either through in-person chat or online discourses. I always have this fear of being invalidated hence I keep quiet. This is due to the fact that I grew up in an environment where I only have to shut up and can't be vocal. I am hating this toxic mindset that elders (or experienced people) are always right, like they can't do any wrong at all. The fact that I feel that they can shut me down whenever I air out my feelings is what drives me into depression. I can't even be myself anymore at home, work, and even social media because I have to be "normal" and conform to whatever they say must be the standard.


And also, gatekeeping sucks. Big time. I am being gatekept.

"Why are you not using/doing this (especially in gaming)? Why are you even talking? Do you even have experience in x or y? Then shut up if you don't." like I am some sort of an idiot trying to be different. I have encountered people, who are supposed to be role models turn out to be gatekeepers putting down people who they see don't do things their way. I thought they would appreciate.

I just resort to having... naps. They would at least calm me down. But other times, I would just want to cry but can't, either.


Just thought I would leave this here. Not really good with words but I tried my best get a lot out of my chest.

 

[JohnBM01]

Hello.

I don't really share much about my personal life. I only share whatever my interests are - be it gaming, cars, or stuff in general.

But seeing this thread, I can't help but share my struggles:

- It's really difficult for me to share opinions either through in-person chat or online discourses. I always have this fear of being invalidated hence I keep quiet. This is due to the fact that I grew up in an environment where I only have to shut up and can't be vocal. I am hating this toxic mindset that elders (or experienced people) are always right, like they can't do any wrong at all. The fact that I feel that they can shut me down whenever I air out my feelings is what drives me into depression. I can't even be myself anymore at home, work, and even social media because I have to be "normal" and conform to whatever they say must be the standard.


And also, gatekeeping sucks. Big time. I am being gatekept.

"Why are you not using/doing this (especially in gaming)? Why are you even talking? Do you even have experience in x or y? Then shut up if you don't." like I am some sort of an idiot trying to be different. I have encountered people, who are supposed to be role models turn out to be gatekeepers putting down people who they see don't do things their way. I thought they would appreciate.

I just resort to having... naps. They would at least calm me down. But other times, I would just want to cry but can't, either.


Just thought I would leave this here. Not really good with words but I tried my best get a lot out of my chest.

That's perfectly fine. Honestly, that's why I created this thread many moons ago- to offer an environment to discuss depression. And ever since, the discussion includes both depression and now anxiety. These things will eat away at you the longer you let these things fester.

I been feeling well of late, but I kind of had some insecurity moments when socializing. I'm usually a sociable person, but considering I got banned from two Twitch chats to end last year (even "soft-banned" from one for an incorrect fact I provided), I feel concerned I may have to change my sociable habits to being more private. Being part of one short-lived community with some GTPlaneteers outside of GTP made me feel like I lost their respect entirely. This is all more a concern rather than something really eating at me.

I lately have found some happiness and relaxation by slowly getting back into 3D modeling. I've been on kind of a roll making 3D model game assets and testing them out in GZDOOM and JFDuke3D. It always helps to find activities and other things to help you feel better when down.


Again- we're all here to help each other. We're fighting the same fights against depression and anxiety, so don't be afraid to speak up. Don't let depression or anxiety win.

 

[JohnBM01]

I usually make a habit each month to keep this thread updated so that we all can discuss depression and/or anxiety. Of course, that also means saying we all are battling the same battles, so don't feel like you are alone, because you aren't.

I haven't felt right mentally lately. I probably been thinking about being banned in two different Twitch chats to end last year and trouble I face socializing. These things hit us in different ways. Without help, these things just fester in our minds and make us feel even worse than we already feel. So seek help when you can. If you know anything about it, try to perform certain forms of therapy to help cope.

Hopefully your March 2024 is going well. Let's continue to not let depression and/or anxiety defeat us.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve spent the last 2 days in psychosis, mentally paralysed, staring into the void. Lights on, nobody home. No food, drink, bathroom, sleep, conversation or any normal functions.

I’m sure it’s down to the weed I’ve been using for depression. So that has to stop.

The only upside is now that I’m mostly back in reality, I’ve gone 3 days without tobacco and think I can continue without it.

I can’t think of a reasonable way to explain to my daughter why I’ve been negligent since Tuesday.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve gone 3 days without tobacco and think I can continue without it.

I failed within hours of posting this. Went for some beers and without thinking ended up with a pack of smokes.

 

[Imari]

I failed within hours of posting this. Went for some beers and without thinking ended up with a pack of smokes.

So it goes. It feels bad, but if you turn it around you made it three and a bit days. Enjoy your pack of smokes, and then maybe see if you can go a bit faster go a little longer.

It's absolutely childish, but I find great value in gamifying things like this. If it's a game, I find it mentally takes a lot of the pressure off. Also, I know how to deal with games - you grind it out. Sometimes you get **** RNG and you get annoyed, but then you have another go hoping for a better run.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve looked into meds to help me quit the tobacco. Apparently there’s some really effective stuff called Varenicline, so I’m aiming to give that a go.

 

[MIE1992]

I turned 32 this past Tuesday. But I’ve never had a gf and I can’t comprehend the idea of living my entire life without experiencing romantic love and all it entails. Sure, I have a lot of plans to get out more, but I’m especially upset with how I tried online dating for a couple years - like/matches were so rare for me, I never even got to plan to date, let alone go on one. So I deleted - not merely deactivated, deleted - all my online dating profiles and gave up on the concept.

I even had convinced myself that online dating was dead but then made the mistake of posting that on Reddit, where people posted articles from this year implying it was still very active. They also suggested I was ugly and/or boring, so I had a bit of a meltdown and deleted my Reddit profile, too. It’s not that I can’t take personal responsibility, but I just don’t think MatchGroup is innocent at all. I sort of wish I could fly to Dallas, find their CEO, and force them to experience what I did on their ostensible “services.”

I’m also upset over the fact that at least three or four relatives of mine havd found their partners through a dating app, so I sometimes get intensely envious of them.

 

[W3H5]

I turned 32 this past Tuesday. But I’ve never had a gf and I can’t comprehend the idea of living my entire life without experiencing romantic love and all it entails. Sure, I have a lot of plans to get out more, but I’m especially upset with how I tried online dating for a couple years - like/matches were so rare for me, I never even got to plan to date, let alone go on one. So I deleted - not merely deactivated, deleted - all my online dating profiles and gave up on the concept.

I even had convinced myself that online dating was dead but then made the mistake of posting that on Reddit, where people posted articles from this year implying it was still very active. They also suggested I was ugly and/or boring, so I had a bit of a meltdown and deleted my Reddit profile, too. It’s not that I can’t take personal responsibility, but I just don’t think MatchGroup is innocent at all. I sort of wish I could fly to Dallas, find their CEO, and force them to experience what I did on their ostensible “services.”

I’m also upset over the fact that at least three or four relatives of mine havd found their partners through a dating app, so I sometimes get intensely envious of them.

Countless millions found partner out there before dating apps. Is there somewhere you can go to hang out and meet girls?

 

[MIE1992]

Countless millions found partner out there before dating apps. Is there somewhere you can go to hang out and meet girls?

"Hang out," like just loiter around? Not really. I did have some other ideas, like speed-dating, as well as other ways I plan to get out in general, like film festivals and events held at art galleries. But I don't even know if getting into a relationship will even make me happy. At the same time, though, if true love doesn't make me happy, I really don't know what will.

 

[W3H5]

"Hang out," like just loiter around? Not really. I did have some other ideas, like speed-dating, as well as other ways I plan to get out in general, like film festivals and events held at art galleries. But I don't even know if getting into a relationship will even make me happy. At the same time, though, if true love doesn't make me happy, I really don't know what will.

Not loitering, lol. But like you said events, galleries, shows and things like that where people are. If you put yourself out there you’re more likely to meet other people. Just don’t go looking for love, look for a good time.

 

[Jezza819]

I turned 32 this past Tuesday. But I’ve never had a gf and I can’t comprehend the idea of living my entire life without experiencing romantic love and all it entails. Sure, I have a lot of plans to get out more, but I’m especially upset with how I tried online dating for a couple years - like/matches were so rare for me, I never even got to plan to date, let alone go on one. So I deleted - not merely deactivated, deleted - all my online dating profiles and gave up on the concept.

I even had convinced myself that online dating was dead but then made the mistake of posting that on Reddit, where people posted articles from this year implying it was still very active. They also suggested I was ugly and/or boring, so I had a bit of a meltdown and deleted my Reddit profile, too. It’s not that I can’t take personal responsibility, but I just don’t think MatchGroup is innocent at all. I sort of wish I could fly to Dallas, find their CEO, and force them to experience what I did on their ostensible “services.”

I’m also upset over the fact that at least three or four relatives of mine havd found their partners through a dating app, so I sometimes get intensely envious of them.

I turn 59 this year. While I've had a couple of what I call long term girlfriend relationships in my life, neither of them worked out in the end. I also would have loved to try and find someone to share my life with, but at this point, I'm ok knowing that it's never going to come and I'm going to be by myself. Some people I work with don't really understand that and think I should be looking for someone but then there are others that completely agree with my decision.

What I'm trying to say is yes romantic love is nice but if it doesn't work out and doesn't happen, don't treat it as a failure. It's quite nice to be able to do whatever I want to on my own schedule. It's certainly better economically.

 

[Michael88]

Not loitering, lol. But like you said events, galleries, shows and things like that where people are. If you put yourself out there you’re more likely to meet other people. Just don’t go looking for love, look for a good time.

* Jumps into thread * Ah this ''meeting other people'' - So what am I doing wrong? I go to lots of festivals, events, galleries etc. where I meet people and have some mildly-interesting conversations with them and then I drive home completely forgetting I even went to an event at all, feeling the same as before. Every time its all so ''meh'' and completely forgettable, the people, the conversations, all. I've never made any friends or met a partner at events.

I'm not sweating it or anything but whenever people tell me I should go out and ''meet some people'' my eyes roll so hard they start to smoke. I'm not an introvert, I'm an easygoing dude, I'm not socially awkward at all, I think I'm decent looking, I'm polite, I meet other people all the time yet I have zero friends or partners. I just never connect with anyone.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve thought on what you’ve posted all day, @Michael88, and didn’t really come up with anything.

 

[Michael88]

I’ve thought on what you’ve posted all day, @Michael88, and didn’t really come up with anything.

I actually I think I know what it is, I think people subconsciously notice I'm depressed / generally unhappy and people don't like hanging around with depressed people even if they act pretty normal. They feel something is off because its hard to hide completely and when something is off you instinctively keep your distance. 99% of people don't want to have anything to do with people who are not doing so well.

 

[W3H5]

I actually I think I know what it is, I think people subconsciously notice I'm depressed / generally unhappy and people don't like hanging around with depressed people even if they act pretty normal. They feel something is off because its hard to hide completely and when something is off you instinctively keep your distance. 99% of people don't want to have anything to do with people who are not doing so well.

Interesting. I’ve spent long periods of time with depression and not had anyone be instinctively aware of it. Maybe I put on a good ‘face’.

I guess it makes sense. My wife can usually tell when I depressed before I am, which is really weird. That’s only by noticing slight changes in my persona though, and not something that a stranger would necessarily notice in me.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

I'm 34 years old, this year I'll be 35. I currently live with my parents, I have few friends (trusted friends, at least... but few), I don't have a girlfriend, I've had one (and I'll talk about it shortly), I'm not good with girls, I don't know how to approach them.
Right now, I feel like my life is on a dead end.

I have a job in a small law firm (but with many clients) which only brings me a lot of anxiety and a huge workload without being adequately paid, imagine that as a graduate with graduate duties I am paid less than the secretary who has a simple diploma of high school and secretary duties. I tried to participate in competitions for public jobs but so far they haven't gone well.

However, this is a bad situation that I have been carrying with me for several years, but my meltdown began about a year and a half ago, when my ex-girlfriend, my only ex, with whom I continue to maintain good relations and who sincerely I still love and she knows it, unable to complete her university studies (she still hasn't graduated), and that I insisted that she also try public competitions, obviously for high school graduates, won one of these. I really insisted that she try: I told her to believe in herself more, I even accompanied her to take the exam.
When she won I was really happy for her. And she was and still is grateful for it. But in March last year, she told me that she had a crush on a colleague. Then, in the summer, for another one. I feel as if I had introduced them to her, it's a very strange feeling...
And in all of this, my hopes of getting back together with her are increasingly reduced. There is no space for me, despite what I have always done for her, in recent years (we were together as a couple eight years ago, but even after we broke up she was always able to count on me for any help she needed, and so just as I have not undertaken other relationships in these eight years, she has done the same).

You see, many people talk about "destiny", but I saw first-hand how we make our own destiny. I could have minded my own business rather than insisting on her taking that competition, it all backfired on me. It's as if she, after years of nothing (she was always at home studying, she had never had a job before this) has "discovered the world" and wants to continue discovering it, but without me. Despite everything I've done and would do for her, despite the fact that I love her and she knows it perfectly.

Now I've reached the point of thinking that whatever I do, for whoever I do, it will never be enough to be at least on par with others. I feel like ****. I know I'm not a good looking man, but damn, I've always tried to balance with something else, I've always believed in merit, to get good consideration from people, to get love... All this, just to get to the conclusion that nothing goes based on merit.
I'm currently trying to quit alcohol (over the last year I've been drinking like never before in my life, yet without ever getting drunk), I want to lose weight since I currently have exceeded 100 kg on approximately 180 cm of height, but I can't do it, perhaps due to lack of willpower.

The psychological problem unfortunately is real (someone, perhaps to encourage me, tells me that it's not true, that I'm simply down in the dumps) because last October I took a H.A.D.S. questionnaire, which by score led to a diagnosis of anxiety-depressive disorder.
In general I have the feeling that rather than living I'm just getting by. And as you can imagine it's not a pleasant thing.

I'm trying to hold on, but every day it seems harder. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

EDIT: sorry mods for the bad word, thank goodness there's self-censorship. I'll be careful not to write any more bad words. Sorry again.

 

[Michael88]

Interesting. I’ve spent long periods of time with depression and not had anyone be instinctively aware of it. Maybe I put on a good ‘face’.

I guess it makes sense. My wife can usually tell when I depressed before I am, which is really weird. That’s only by noticing slight changes in my persona though, and not something that a stranger would necessarily notice in me.

Yeah I don't know what it is, couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated relatively minor issue and he told me if I'm depressed and if I needed some suggestions for therapists lol. I have no clue what gave him that idea, maybe its my posture, manner of speech or something else I cannot control and I am not aware of.
Though that was the eye of a trained professional and maybe he has so many patients with such issues he automatically hands out suggestions for therapists like free candy. Only thing I ever heard from ''regular'' people couple of times is that I have a 1000yds stare sometimes.

 

[W3H5]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

I'm 34 years old, this year I'll be 35. I currently live with my parents, I have few friends (trusted friends, at least... but few), I don't have a girlfriend, I've had one (and I'll talk about it shortly), I'm not good with girls, I don't know how to approach them.
Right now, I feel like my life is on a dead end.

I have a job in a small law firm (but with many clients) which only brings me a lot of anxiety and a huge workload without being adequately paid, imagine that as a graduate with graduate duties I am paid less than the secretary who has a simple diploma of high school and secretary duties. I tried to participate in competitions for public jobs but so far they haven't gone well.

However, this is a bad situation that I have been carrying with me for several years, but my meltdown began about a year and a half ago, when my ex-girlfriend, my only ex, with whom I continue to maintain good relations and who sincerely I still love and she knows it, unable to complete her university studies (she still hasn't graduated), and that I insisted that she also try public competitions, obviously for high school graduates, won one of these. I really insisted that she try: I told her to believe in herself more, I even accompanied her to take the exam.
When she won I was really happy for her. And she was and still is grateful for it. But in March last year, she told me that she had a crush on a colleague. Then, in the summer, for another one. I feel as if I had introduced them to her, it's a very strange feeling...
And in all of this, my hopes of getting back together with her are increasingly reduced. There is no space for me, despite what I have always done for her, in recent years (we were together as a couple eight years ago, but even after we broke up she was always able to count on me for any help she needed, and so just as I have not undertaken other relationships in these eight years, she has done the same).

You see, many people talk about "destiny", but I saw first-hand how we make our own destiny. I could have minded my own business rather than insisting on her taking that competition, it all backfired on me. It's as if she, after years of nothing (she was always at home studying, she had never had a job before this) has "discovered the world" and wants to continue discovering it, but without me. Despite everything I've done and would do for her, despite the fact that I love her and she knows it perfectly.

Now I've reached the point of thinking that whatever I do, for whoever I do, it will never be enough to be at least on par with others. I feel like ****. I know I'm not a good looking man, but damn, I've always tried to balance with something else, I've always believed in merit, to get good consideration from people, to get love... All this, just to get to the conclusion that nothing goes based on merit.
I'm currently trying to quit alcohol (over the last year I've been drinking like never before in my life, yet without ever getting drunk), I want to lose weight since I currently have exceeded 100 kg on approximately 180 cm of height, but I can't do it, perhaps due to lack of willpower.

The psychological problem unfortunately is real (someone, perhaps to encourage me, tells me that it's not true, that I'm simply down in the dumps) because last October I took a H.A.D.S. questionnaire, which by score led to a diagnosis of anxiety-depressive disorder.
In general I have the feeling that rather than living I'm just getting by. And as you can imagine it's not a pleasant thing.

I'm trying to hold on, but every day it seems harder. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

EDIT: sorry mods for the bad word, thank goodness there's self-censorship. I'll be careful not to write any more bad words. Sorry again.

Sounds like a tough ride. Remember you’re not alone. We all struggle and feel like we’re at the end.

Believe it or not, my first occurrence of depression happened exactly from the experience you’ve described.

If you can, start by seeing a doctor, be honest with them and yourself. Medication can do wonders.

Yeah I don't know what it is, couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated relatively minor issue and he told me if I'm depressed and if I needed some suggestions for therapists lol. I have no clue what gave him that idea, maybe its my posture, manner of speech or something else I cannot control and I am not aware of.
Though that was the eye of a trained professional and maybe he has so many patients with such issues he automatically hands out suggestions for therapists like free candy. Only thing I ever heard from ''regular'' people couple of times is that I have a 1000yds stare sometimes.

Perhaps depression is so common, doctors expect everyone to be dealing with it.

 

[lbpomg95]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

While I can't empathise with the situation with your ex, I can imagine how painful it must be - I'd feel like I'd been betrayed. While you shouldn't expect to be rewarded for your hard work with a girlfriend, it's still a kick in the teeth when you've shown so much dedication for her to come back to you and say she likes someone else. At least she had the respect and decency to tell you before she acted on it - a lot of people in relationships don't do that.

Regardless of why you two split, it's pretty clear that she is the main source of your pain is your ex. I did have a somewhat relatable situation where I thought I was in love with one of my best friends, but she was taken. Her current relationship didn't seem great, so I kinda held out hope that I might have a chance one day, and it stayed like this for years, and I think you're doing the same, hoping your ex will come back. But if she does, there'll always be the risk that the same will happen again, and you're just the backup, which is also not nice. In my case, I was lucky, and found someone better when I wasn't trying to, and since realised that my best friend had no time for me and didn't really care all that much, and I was able to get distance.

If I were in your place, I would try to distance myself from her. If there is a chance to move on you should take it. If she thinks there's someone better out there for her, then there's someone better for you, as well, even if finding them takes time.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

Sounds like a tough ride. Remember you’re not alone. We all struggle and feel like we’re at the end.

Believe it or not, my first occurrence of depression happened exactly from the experience you’ve described.

If you can, start by seeing a doctor, be honest with them and yourself. Medication can do wonders.

Yes, the situation is really tough. Words probably can't even really express how painful it is. Thank you for the kind words of support and for the advice to see a doctor, it's something I should actually do.

While I can't empathise with the situation with your ex, I can imagine how painful it must be - I'd feel like I'd been betrayed. While you shouldn't expect to be rewarded for your hard work with a girlfriend, it's still a kick in the teeth when you've shown so much dedication for her to come back to you and say she likes someone else. At least she had the respect and decency to tell you before she acted on it - a lot of people in relationships don't do that.

Regardless of why you two split, it's pretty clear that she is the main source of your pain is your ex. I did have a somewhat relatable situation where I thought I was in love with one of my best friends, but she was taken. Her current relationship didn't seem great, so I kinda held out hope that I might have a chance one day, and it stayed like this for years, and I think you're doing the same, hoping your ex will come back. But if she does, there'll always be the risk that the same will happen again, and you're just the backup, which is also not nice. In my case, I was lucky, and found someone better when I wasn't trying to, and since realised that my best friend had no time for me and didn't really care all that much, and I was able to get distance.

If I were in your place, I would try to distance myself from her. If there is a chance to move on you should take it. If she thinks there's someone better out there for her, then there's someone better for you, as well, even if finding them takes time.

What I highlighted in bold is exactly what my best friend tells me. To be precise, he tells me that even if she were to get back with me, it would be as if I were her "spare tire" after she had bad dates with others (she's also not very good with guys). In our mutual strangeness, we would actually be a couple that could work, if only she wanted to. But apparently she doesn't want to try again, you see she takes these crushes for this or that colleague... Then she doesn't do anything with it, but the crushes remain and for better or worse things change between us.

I've always had a lot of patience with her, I've never let her lack anything, above all I've always supported her, I've always believed in her and encouraged her to believe in herself too. And in fact, as I explained, she then won this competition for a public job. She is aware of all this, she doesn't have a "short memory", in fact a few months ago she told me that in moments of greatest sadness she thinks that perhaps no one will love her as much as I do... Yet this is not enough to try again be a couple.

I'm perfectly aware that it's full of other girls, yet I can't move forward, both because, as I said, I'm not good with them, and also because (and my best friend severely scolded me about this too) it somehow seems to me to betray her, even if she wouldn't have the same scruples with me... It's going badly for her, but if she were fine with someone else she would tell me without too much care... Yes, of course she would try to comfort me, but then she would go her own way.

In conclusion, yes my life is not good in many aspects, but it is undeniable that a great reason for pain, probably the greatest, is the situation with her. I would really like another opportunity with her, I would really like her to look at me again as a possible partner and not as a best friend. I feel too bad about the fact that I, who have always done so much for her, don't get another opportunity and instead the first one who comes along, without doing anything for her, takes more attention because he's beautiful... Excuse me but also admit that the problem between me and she is this, is somehow pathetic, ugh.

 

[lbpomg95]

In conclusion, yes my life is not good in many aspects, but it is undeniable that a great reason for pain, probably the greatest, is the situation with her. I would really like another opportunity with her, I would really like her to look at me again as a possible partner and not as a best friend. I feel too bad about the fact that I, who have always done so much for her, don't get another opportunity and instead the first one who comes along, without doing anything for her, takes more attention because he's beautiful... Excuse me but also admit that the problem between me and she is this, is somehow pathetic, ugh.

It seems like you may not get that opportunity to try again with her. Painful though it may be, it is what it is. You clearly have a lot of love to give, and it's definitely not a betrayal to give that to someone who actually wants it, and will reciprocate.

Perhaps a direct approach might be worth trying; if you ask her directly "is there ever a chance of us trying again?", her answer could possibly allow you to clear your mind and move on somewhat. And, if she's indecisive, she could just be stringing you along. People do that, even if their intentions aren't malicious.

Once I stopped pining for someone who wasn't interested, I was annoyed at myself for the time I spent on someone who wasn't worth it.