What was to me making my first air fryer hamburger in a while ends up being another episode of sadness. I finally found these burger patties that were still unopened in the freezer. I slammed down the burger patties on the counter to separate them. When I then tried to use a wooden chop board to slam down the patties, I broke up the patties... but I also split the chop board in half. It brought back the feeling of feeling terrible because I seem to break anything I touch or am ultra clumsy and prone to mistakes. Not even making a good meal was enough to fully boost my mood after this episode. And usually, things like making your own delicious meals can bring happiness to you and boost your mood. Not so much this time.
Feeling like you are incapable of doing anything right, including seemingly damaging or breaking things constantly, makes you feel depressed and worthless. Not everything lasts forever, but you feel horrible if nearly anything you touch ends up getting damaged or broken. You have to remember mistakes happen. No one is trash just because someone does such a thing with regularity. Remember to love yourself and know you are better than your faults or mistakes.
Don't let depression and/or anxiety win.
I find myself that way with a lot of things. Always afraid that I'd do something wrong and even when I'm supposed to learn from my mistakes, I still have the possibility of repeating it. I know no one's perfect, but it keeps me from trying.... Thankfully it helps to have some external encouragement from others. Always knew how oil changes worked on cars, but never really got around to doing it myself until a recent trip to visit family and my car was screaming at me for an oil change service due to the mileage. Felt nice having my uncle who owns a mechanic's shop encourage me to do most of the work myself in his shop with his tools and lift.
It's a bit odd as he used to be the uncle that would always make fun of me as a kid and "bully" me, calling me fat and useless like my mom would. (He's one of her older brothers) Does feel weird how much nicer the (family member) adults in my life have gotten with age, but it is a welcomed change from my childhood. Where my mom used to always talk negatively about me as a kid in front of extended family or friends.... She would always say things like "Wow, your kids are so much more helpful than my useless son(s)" or "Look how stupid my son is!" My aunts and uncles would join in and make fun of me to the point of making me always want to hide away as a kid from the adults.
Your post
@JohnBM01 made me think of how much I couldn't accept any mistakes I ever made. Always being told my mistake was the "worst thing ever," and fear of ever doing it again. To the point of never wanting to try something new. Unfortunately I still have that anxiety when it comes to going out of my comfort zone. Especially when my anxiety had basically peaked this past weekend....
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Went to visit family in Pennsylvania and New Jersey this past weekend. But for some reason, this particular drive got me stressed out more than I have before. Probably didn't help this was my first time bringing my own car down to visit them. I'll try to keep it somewhat short as I can.
Had an incident of road rage in downtown Philadelphia where my brother was driving my car through the city and made a genuine mistake due to the lack of signage/road markings. Nearly sideswiped someone who came flying up in what we thought was a bike lane/street parking shoulder. They chased us down through three intersections laying on the horn each time, honestly expecting them to come out to confront us or worse....
Second instance was following the GPS on the long drive back towards home, where it took us off the highway to avoid traffic jams and through the city. (These never really end up going well since everyone else is told the same thing) So of course we got stuck in gridlocked traffic and I was unable to take a left onto a busy one-way road with it's own traffic jam/gridlock. No one would let me take my turn out and always block me in, but a couple drivers behind me were more than upset with the fact (even though they couldn't see my situation) I wasn't moving. So they drove around into the oncoming lane, screaming, honking, making gestures at me, all so they could pull into the already gridlocked intersection that was only going into an even worse gridlocked intersection.
All I want to say about this was....that driving (at least in this country) has only made me feel worse and worse. I'm so sick of the selfishness people have towards driving these days. It's not just the large dense population urban areas or states either, even in my smaller town/state it's bad. I try to be courteous towards other drivers, not blocking intersections, not running stop signs to be ahead of one single car, accepting the fact I missed a turn and not cutting over. But the way people act on the road makes me just want nothing to do with it anymore. As much as I love cars and enjoy driving (when it isn't so stressful), I wish this stupid country was not so dependent on driving everywhere. I'm sure it's about the same if not worse in other countries, but the way people act towards each other makes me hate everything.
I'm sick and tired of it all. Just want to hide away from everything and never go out and deal with the general public. People say to ignore these selfish people, but when those two incidents took place, it only filled me with dread. (if that's the right word) I feel like I don't ever want to drive a car on a long trip again after this past one. I know I'm not a "main character," but I try to be considerate towards others. I don't want to be a part of this rat race.
I know the world keeps moving and no one cares and will move on with their day, but I just can't get these bad moments out of my head. It sticks with me for far too long and all I think about is not wanting to be a part of this all. Always heard people say "you gotta have thick skin and just ignore it." Partly want to blame this on the reason I don't want to get a job that I have to commute to....
Sorry if this was more like a rambling, but after this recent trip. I can't help but feel the need to talk about this somewhere.
