The Aluminum Gentleman: BMW M5 '08 (E60)
I think I have found my new love.
What we have here is my high school crush in automotive form. But why a near-2-ton block of aluminum instead of a Ferrari Testarossa? Or an RUF RT12? She isn't a fatty at all, and yet I used a rather large cruise ship to compare to her instead of something sleek and smooth. And why did I christen this with something related to the Dodge Coronet of the glorious muscle car era?
The eyes. The tantalizing eyes. Look at them. No wonder why infatuation starts with faces, rather than chests. Or hips. I noticed its innocent charm in the Spec 2.0 intro movie. The scene where it zips Route X along with its younger cousin, the E92 M3, when the track was still incomplete. The first thing that attracted me was the M5's headlamps- those angel eyes are complete with a pair of eyelashes! These eyes carry the charm this special lady brings along with her. And they look livelier than the Audi R8's futuristic LED eyebags, which makes the MAWD monster yawn and sleep in the middle of class.
I loved the M5 because of its simplicity too. It may look more mundane than the F10 M5, but that's what makes it special. Millions of people may be raving a lot about the F10, but I'm sorry. I prefer Chris Bangle's ideas. The F10 is too edgy for my tastes. It lacks the majestic aura related to the Jaguar S-type. It doesn't feel as romantic as seeing a lady in a dress waiting to dance with you. It's not fitting at all. The F10 does not make me come up with the beautiful girls I have met too.
The face looks a tad bulldog-ish, but it conveys the expression of Sam Fisher waiting for the opportunity to move to the next cover without being seen. The eyelashes should have made the Beemer look serious. It shoulda felt mellow, like its listening to Sade with its eyes closed. Still charming nonetheless.
The rear is where the grin's at. If the front has the angel eyes, the rear has angel wings embossed on the lamps! The rear fascia doesn't look cluttered at all too. There's another pair of eyelashes which have a definite function aside from convincing Forever Alone guy that he has got the girl of his dreams. There's a scarcity of badges, but who needs to drill a whole lot of them anyway. This isn't a JDM car, where long names and a bucket of badges does justice. This car means serious business, which is also said by the quadruple pipes hanging beneath the bumper. And to top it all off, stare at the whole countenance and you can see Angelina Jolie smiling back at you.
As we dive into the details, we can see just why do I think that this car look better than the F10. Just look at it. Contours and bulges aren't cheaply sketched out everywhere like paper being scattered with an electric fan. The E60's all simple. Much like my high school crush too, she doesn't go fancy-schmacy all the time. Its simplicity makes it look good in a variety of colors too. It looks good in Mafioso Black. It looks good on Extremely Girly Pink. It looks good in Very Plain Green, and even in Mundane Grey. Whatever color you throw in, it'll still stand out, all because of its simplistic exterior.
Get inside the car, you'll see for yourself the very definition of tidiness. You get to be greeted with leather seats, a sporty 3-spoke steering wheel with neatly and symmetrically laid out buttons on it, the ever-functional center console and easy to reach dials below the A/C along the center. You can see ///M logos on the meters and the steering wheel. They do mean something. They show you that you aren't in a run-of-the-mill 5-series sedan. They tell you that you have nearly 500 horsepower connected to a tub filled with F1 technology BMW gathered. Visibility is great too. The windshield doesn't seem to be a glass wall like those of the Evo's and Imprezas. They aren't as narrow as a pinky finger either. The meters only comprise of two circles: speedometer and tachometer. The engine temperature and the fuel gauge are housed in either of the two circles. That's a nice touch. Especially with the Calibri font.
You can have comfort at the rear too with extra A/C units. No wonder why Rebecca Black loves kicking in the back seat.
With these good looks, it's a good candidate for winning the American Idol. In fact, chances are Scotty McCreery couldn't have a chance against this Beemer. Slam the throttle, and you'll hear Nadia Ali humming inside the V10. It sounds like a Lamborghini, some of you will say. The fault isn't on PD. Well, not entirely, but just listen to this:
Not all cars need grunty V8's to be music to the ears. You don't need Skrillex to drop and screech a sample of XboxAhoy clearing his throat in order for a car to sound beastly. Well, brute roars from muscly engines do sound powerful but it isn't the only kind of noise that deserves being praise. Lamborghini has proven that, and so has the LFA's falsetto.
It's got the killer looks, it's got the angelic voice, and the last thing to be considered is its graceful dancing. It does well for a saloon. An average of 2:20 lap times over at Nurburging GP/F, which is on par with some sportscars. It responds to your inputs well. I have never seen any car weighing 2 tons handle this good. It's got 7 gears too - I was only asking for 6 but I got 7. Well, an extra gear is good, and that BMW has put a stadium full of effort in applying their F1 technology on this baby. It was worth it. 4.7 seconds for a 0-100 km/h time may be a little slouchy for today's standards, but it's a saloon. It reaches speeds above 200 mph too, which surpassed my expectations by leagues.
Step forward, and she'll step back. Step backwards, and she'll step forward. The Waltz, bro. Waltz. Slow and deliberate steps for a calm and elegant dance routine. This M5 is perfectly suited for that kind of dance. Slow and graceful. You can also fling the back end around if you want, as if you're spinning your partner round and round like a ballerina. It won't panic when you try to hold the drift. Which makes the dance an enjoyable experience.
The M5 is about poise, so you shouldn't push it around, thinking that you should do the cha-cha. You should know its limits. You can't just brake too late and hope for the best. After all, this car nears 2 tons. It's a German saloon, not some laid-back cheetah. It should be treated like a lady. Brake a little early, and be gentle with her hands, or rather, the pedals.
But seriously?! Driver's cars have a soul and they are meant to be used and abused! Mind you, for a car to have a soul, it should have some sort of connection with the driver. This case is a very special one. You have to treat this car like a lady. Which is why I want to compare the E60 M5 to the Dodge Coronet. Both cars are "gentlemen" in their own right. It is drop-dead gorgeous too without the use of excessive make-up, much like my high school crush. This car is a one-in-a-million. Cars don't have to be active to give a satisfying driving experience. Sometimes, you need to waltz with the finest of all lasses. Sometimes, you need to experience the feeling of being an aristocrat. This M5 is a perfect example. It provides comfort and relaxation if you want to treat it as a limousine, and if you want to rip the Nordschleife in half, this car gets the job done too. This is my dream BMW. This is everything I wanted from a BMW. Something simple, yet something unique. Thank you, Chris Bangle, for making my girl look like the Princess of Wales. And thank you, BMW, for giving me something like no other.