Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,699 comments
- 723,483 views
- 5,658
- Ohio
The Flat Sixes
- 4,023
- Derbyshire, UK
- DG Silva
Apologies if repost.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too." says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too." says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
Last edited:
- 29,272
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Another Parrot joke...
Mary is an attendee of the local church. The Vicar is concerned for her welfare as he can see there is something troubling her. After the service on Sunday...
V - Mary. I can see you are troubled. Please tell me what bothers you.
M - I cannot Father. It is too shameful.
V - Mary you must tell me. I can help you. It is my job as the Vicar of the parish.
M - Well... We had a wild party at our house last week. Some of the guests have taught our two girl Parrots to say "Hello boys! We are prostitutes. Do you want some fun?" I am so ashamed!
V - Well. My 2 boy Parrots, Jacob and Joseph, play with rosary beads and quote the Bible. If you bring your 2 girl Parrots to my house and let them chat for a while. I am sure they can bring your Parrots back to the path of the right way!
It is agreed that the 4 Parrots will meet the following evening at the Vicar's house. Mary arrives at the agreed time and places a large Parrot cage on the table adjacent to Jacob and Joseph's cage. At this point, one female Parrot announces...
"Hello boys. We are prostitutes. Do you want some fun?"
Jacob turns to Joseph....
"Put the beads way pal. Our prayers have been answered!!!"
Mary is an attendee of the local church. The Vicar is concerned for her welfare as he can see there is something troubling her. After the service on Sunday...
V - Mary. I can see you are troubled. Please tell me what bothers you.
M - I cannot Father. It is too shameful.
V - Mary you must tell me. I can help you. It is my job as the Vicar of the parish.
M - Well... We had a wild party at our house last week. Some of the guests have taught our two girl Parrots to say "Hello boys! We are prostitutes. Do you want some fun?" I am so ashamed!
V - Well. My 2 boy Parrots, Jacob and Joseph, play with rosary beads and quote the Bible. If you bring your 2 girl Parrots to my house and let them chat for a while. I am sure they can bring your Parrots back to the path of the right way!
It is agreed that the 4 Parrots will meet the following evening at the Vicar's house. Mary arrives at the agreed time and places a large Parrot cage on the table adjacent to Jacob and Joseph's cage. At this point, one female Parrot announces...
"Hello boys. We are prostitutes. Do you want some fun?"
Jacob turns to Joseph....
"Put the beads way pal. Our prayers have been answered!!!"
What could be the best Parrot joke of all time....
A family go to buy a Parrot. They enter Migel's Finest Parrot Emporium. There is a very very large selection. They enquire about a fine specimen in red, in a very large cage. Migel warns the family that this Parrot has something of an attitude. Enquiring as to what Migel means, he demonstrates by locking the doors and windows then releases the Parrot from his cage. The Parrot jumps on top of the cage and declares
" I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! "
Dad is well impressed by this and wants to purchase the Parrot. His wife is reluctant. Migel warns them of his "NO refunds" policy and a deal is struck. Parrot purchased.
After a week of " I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! " Mum and Dad are both fed up and want to return the Parrot. Migel is contacted. He reminds them of the refund policy but offers them some advice...
"Place a larger bird in the cage. That may calm him down some. It could work"
On Saturday evening a Crow in placed in the cage. On Sunday morning the Crow is dead and the Parrot announces...
" I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! "
A Seagull is placed in the cage on the following Saturday night. On Sunday morning the Seagull is dead and the same proclamation comes from the Parrot.
Discussions are had and it is agreed that Uncle Albert's Kestrel is borrowed for the weekend as Kestrels are known to be extremely "hard" birds.
Saturday night. The Kestrel is inserted into the Parrot's cage and the family retire to bed. Sunday morning. The Parrot is standing, proudly, on his perch - There is not one single feather left on him. The Kestrel is dead. The Parrots sniffs, shrugs his shoulders and announces....
" I had to take me coat off for that @&%% "
NB - When read in a South London gangster style accent...
Best regards to all here.
Ian.
A family go to buy a Parrot. They enter Migel's Finest Parrot Emporium. There is a very very large selection. They enquire about a fine specimen in red, in a very large cage. Migel warns the family that this Parrot has something of an attitude. Enquiring as to what Migel means, he demonstrates by locking the doors and windows then releases the Parrot from his cage. The Parrot jumps on top of the cage and declares
" I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! "
Dad is well impressed by this and wants to purchase the Parrot. His wife is reluctant. Migel warns them of his "NO refunds" policy and a deal is struck. Parrot purchased.
After a week of " I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! " Mum and Dad are both fed up and want to return the Parrot. Migel is contacted. He reminds them of the refund policy but offers them some advice...
"Place a larger bird in the cage. That may calm him down some. It could work"
On Saturday evening a Crow in placed in the cage. On Sunday morning the Crow is dead and the Parrot announces...
" I am from <your home town> and I am ****** well hard! "
A Seagull is placed in the cage on the following Saturday night. On Sunday morning the Seagull is dead and the same proclamation comes from the Parrot.
Discussions are had and it is agreed that Uncle Albert's Kestrel is borrowed for the weekend as Kestrels are known to be extremely "hard" birds.
Saturday night. The Kestrel is inserted into the Parrot's cage and the family retire to bed. Sunday morning. The Parrot is standing, proudly, on his perch - There is not one single feather left on him. The Kestrel is dead. The Parrots sniffs, shrugs his shoulders and announces....
" I had to take me coat off for that @&%% "
NB - When read in a South London gangster style accent...
Best regards to all here.
Ian.
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